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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it isn't normal to live like this?

164 replies

FishFace99 · 10/09/2015 23:08

I'm a SAHM. DP earns around £42k and our rent is low - under £400 pcm, with few other outgoings. I receive child benefit and DP gives me £350 per month. Out of this I need to pay for my phone, our broadband, one shopping account, our car, my credit card plus everything for the pets and DC and food and cleaning products, toiletries etc.

I haven't had a haircut or bought new clothes for as long as I can remember. I can't afford boots or a hat or coat for the winter. I'm having to put things for the DC on my credit card but am nearing the limit. Our dog needs to see the vet IMO but I can't afford it and DP says to leave it and she'll be fine. I have no access to his finances.

Aibu to think this isn't how most couples operate and that the kids, pets and I shouldn't be going withoutlike this?

OP posts:
BiscuitMillionaire · 10/09/2015 23:31

He's treating you like the paid help.

Can he afford a haircut for himself, for example?

SurlyCue · 10/09/2015 23:33

After mortgage and your £350 he has around £1800 left. Over 4 times what he gives you to pay for DC, pets, shopping etc? Hmm

shiteforbrains · 10/09/2015 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheHouseofMirth · 10/09/2015 23:34

My DH earns roughly what yours does and our mortgage is about £150 a month more than yours . He puts £650 a month into the joint account for all monthly bills plus £400 a month for food. I work very part-time and use my money for kid's stuff, fun stuff and me. We don't have much left each month but we're not on the breadline and we live in London. How the hell are you paying all your bills and buying food on £500 a month?

missymayhemsmum · 10/09/2015 23:37

This is financial abuse, FishFace. Have you challenged the arrangement and told him that you want to budget jointly and have equal access to all the money so that you can both see where it goes and prioritise? You'd be better off as a lone parent taking him for maintenance.

Original poster
FishFace99 · 10/09/2015 23:39

I'm not Mirth, that's why my credit card is getting used up. Yes he gets haircuts, clothes and the odd night out. I've had to rotate two pairs of jeans and be hot all summer because I can't afford anything else.

OP posts:
BrideOfWankenstein · 10/09/2015 23:39

I think you'd be better off as a single parent tbh. You'd be getting more in tax credits alone. Plus you'd be getting housing benefit.
I would say - tell him to give you more money or to get out.

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 10/09/2015 23:40

It definitely is not normal.
You need to let him know it's not sufficient and he needs to transfer more money to you. At least £200 more by my guess.

sooperdooper · 10/09/2015 23:44

Do you know what all the other bills add up to? I would sit down and make up a spreadsheet of all the household outgoings and incomings and show him exactly how ridiculous this is and how much more money he has access too- unless he has debts he's paying you don't know about??

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 10/09/2015 23:44

Is he a horrible person generally? He must be.
I don't see how he could stand by and see you scrimp and save and not be able to buy yourself stuff while he does what he wants.

AvaCrowder · 10/09/2015 23:48

You've answered your own question. You were better off without him. Good luck either talk to him and change things or talk to him and leave. This is you and your dc who are suffering. That is not OK.

StormCoat · 10/09/2015 23:52

How did this come about, OP? And what can you do to take steps about ending it?

shiteforbrains · 10/09/2015 23:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/09/2015 23:53

Have you sat down and told him that you don't have enough money to live on? Shown him the maths? Has he said why he thinks what he gives you is reasonable?

I'd stop using the credit cards for one. If something is needed, tell him you need XXX more for it.

DH and I have always had joint finances so I just don't understand the mentality of not sharing 50/50.

Saltedcaramel4 · 10/09/2015 23:54

Are you married

KanyeWestPresidentForLife · 10/09/2015 23:56

Could he possibly be in debt but keeping it from you?

Where is the money going? Is he putting it away? I know some people (my parents and SIL included) think it is okay to live massively parsimonious lifestyles as long as the money is being saved up and see depriving their family of things they need now as virtuous because they're putting money in the bank for some vague time in the future. And they don't seem to realise that they're inflicting the penury they're so afraid of in the future on them in the here and now.

I think you need to ask him for full disclosure of your finances and nothing less.

MakeThemEatCake · 11/09/2015 00:09

I think this is awful. No, it's not how most couples are IME, and I do have a friend who is in a similar situation and we were talking about it recently. She struggles and he lets her, while squirrelling away most of his wages. To me (and it seems other posters) it's abusive.

Does he know how you feel about it and more to the point, does he care? If he doesn't, have a think about the implications of that and whether you're ok with it. You don't deserve this.
Flowers

BabyDubsEverywhere · 11/09/2015 00:12

We operate a one pot method, I wouldn't accept anything else. At points I earned more, hes earned more, I haven't earned at all (for most of the time actually).... all one pot, everything in and out. I do all our banking and spreadsheets etc, pretty much all planning financially and most purchasing. DH earns it though, I consult about medium to large purchases, he consults on everything - even a fiver in Tesco Grin

You are in a precarious position as a SAHM and unmarried, let alone to a partner that clearly doesn't value your role! Does he realise that you are struggling like this? Have you actually told him? Shown him a breakdown of your expected outgoings and how unfair the whole situation is?

If you have, and its continued then you need to get out of there, he doesn't care enough about you, the DC or the poor dog :(

GiddyOnZackHunt · 11/09/2015 00:19

Are they his dc? You mention being a single parent with more dc at home then so it's a bit confusing :) If they aren't his then you can see that he might still see them as your responsibility which is still a rubbish attitude and unacceptable. But might explain it a bit. * If they are his then it's pathetic of him as well as abusive.

*I'm not excusing it but he may have no understanding of parenting.

Smellyoulateralligator · 11/09/2015 00:21

Yanbu. It's not normal and it isn't acceptable that your standard of living is very much lower than your husband's.

Canyouforgiveher · 11/09/2015 00:29

Once we commited to each other (in our case marriage) and certainly once we had children, it was all one pot.

I couldn't imagine wanting to live with someone who gets his own hair cut and buys new clothes for himself but leaves me in 2 pairs of old jeans and my hair uncut for the summer

I'd be so completely repulsed by this kind of selfish behaviour that the relationship would be in serious trouble quite apart from anything else.

If you are in a committed relationship with him, he should want your happiness above anyone else's - how is he showing this by making you live poor while he lives comfortable?

Not only would I seriously reassess whether you should be in this relationship if I were you (I'd be gone myself - how much worse financially could it be?) but even if you have a chat with him and he changes the financial arrangements, I think you should still ask yourself do you want to live your whole life with someone so unkind and inconsiderate who ranks you way way way below himself.

Canyouforgiveher · 11/09/2015 00:34

Sorry for posting again but I am trying to think how this works on a day to day basis?

So he comes in and says

"Hi love, how are things, I'm looking forward to dinner - looks great, will we watch a film after. Oh my mum called today with a bit of news"

And you say

"yes a film will be lovely. looking forward to it, Tell me about your mum"

while thinking

"you selfish bastard you have a lovely new pair of shorts on and your hair looks good and I have sweltered all day in these old jeans, I am frightened to death of my credit card bill, and I can't afford to bring my children to the swimming pool even though it is summer"

Like how do you even continue to relate to him normally? I'd explode.

Kaekae · 11/09/2015 00:34

It isn't normal, why don't you have a joint account?

Garrick · 11/09/2015 00:43

You'd have more money on benefits - which, I'd remind you, are set at the miserably low level of what the government says you need to live on.

He's an arse. And doesn't pull his weight, either! You are being exploited.

I'm sorry you're suffering this; it must be hard to hear your replies here, too. But I'm very glad you're waking up!

What are you going to do? Are you joint tenants on your home?

sproketmx · 11/09/2015 00:43

Not normal. I'm in the same boat with regards to who earns the money but I have access to his online banking, chip and pin card and his PayPal so if there's anything under house responsibilities or kids etc then I physically may pay for it but it comes out his account. I wouldn't be happy about it either if I was you.