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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think it isn't normal to live like this?

164 replies

FishFace99 · 10/09/2015 23:08

I'm a SAHM. DP earns around £42k and our rent is low - under £400 pcm, with few other outgoings. I receive child benefit and DP gives me £350 per month. Out of this I need to pay for my phone, our broadband, one shopping account, our car, my credit card plus everything for the pets and DC and food and cleaning products, toiletries etc.

I haven't had a haircut or bought new clothes for as long as I can remember. I can't afford boots or a hat or coat for the winter. I'm having to put things for the DC on my credit card but am nearing the limit. Our dog needs to see the vet IMO but I can't afford it and DP says to leave it and she'll be fine. I have no access to his finances.

Aibu to think this isn't how most couples operate and that the kids, pets and I shouldn't be going withoutlike this?

OP posts:

wowfudge · 12/09/2015 17:09

Apologies if this has been asked on the thread already. OP you stated your DP acts as though you are broke (as a family); does he have debts he hasn't told you about? Has his work changed or does he not earn as much as he has told you? A friend's DH was in terrible debt due to spending on credit cards and she had no idea about it. When it all came out it explained his stress, anxiety and periods of depression. Sadly he hadn't wanted to burden her so hadn't told her.

ValancyJane · 12/09/2015 17:15

Not normal in the slightest, as others have said its financial abuse! I would point out exactly what all the things he expects you to pay for cost and I would be insisting on joint finances. If he wouldn't agree to this I like to think I would walk away. This doesn't sound healthy at all!

Original poster

FishFace99 · 12/09/2015 23:36

There's definitely no hidden debt; I supported him while he cleared it before we had DC together. I went to see someone for advice yesterday and was told I could put myself on the homeless register but that means we could be housed in a rough area miles from school, with no car as that's in DPs name.

He just acts clueless about everything until I spell it out and I'm tired of it. For example, any time DC refused to do as he asked, he'd say shall I get mummy instead? And didn't realise why this is a massive cop out. His DD was bullying mine and he did nothing, until I said it was unacceptable and I wanted them to have time apart. I've just well and truly had enough of it all. He's working away this week and I prefer it that way.

OP posts:

Sazzle41 · 12/09/2015 23:42

What bunbaker said tbh. Its emotional abuse to financially control you and infantilise you and leave you without normal resources. If you put up and shut up a) it carries on and b) your children will probably repeat this toxic dynamic when they grow up in their own relationships because they have seen it as 'normal'. Its not. You should have a joint account. £42k is a decent amount so if he is acting like you are poor, to me it spellsmean and people who are mean with money in my long experience, are very often mean in other ways.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 12/09/2015 23:48

So end it then! He's an abusive dickhead and you don't even like being around him. You don't need anyone's permission .

ilovesooty · 12/09/2015 23:59

So he's working away, has left you without money and you have a dog who's suffering and you're unable to access medical treatment for it?

LemonRedwood · 13/09/2015 00:13

FishFace I'm sorry to say, but I think you need to extricate yourself from this relationship. Do you have friends or family whom you and your dc could stay with? This man seems to have you completely under his control whereas a relationship should be a partnership. He doesn't seem to have any respect for you at all.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 13/09/2015 00:22

So he has form for debt? Just because he cleared it once doesn't mean he hasn't run it up again. My xh would get into debt every time he could. I was all over it but he left his next wife in debt. Don't assume he changed his spots. xh was great at hiding his spending and his weakness was things. What did your DH spend on?

Beth2511 · 13/09/2015 00:52

Thats awful i get 448+cb+50 from my dad and i pay for my car, electric, food and DDs saving account. Thats tight enough but we dont have much choice

Baconyum · 13/09/2015 01:21

Giddy has pretty much said what I was thinking. People's spending habits rarely change.

NewBallsPlease00 · 13/09/2015 01:25

On 42k I'm guessing he takes home about 2k month?
So gives you 350 leaving 1650
What is your mortgage
Does he think he has 350 personal spend and you do too?
Fwiw I'm on ML at mo and DH earns similar- we can't afford it and will be taking a loan out when I drop to zero stat mat- our mortgage is 1000 month
I don't think you're communicating with each other to be transparent but potentially he isn't sitting on cash either

Wolknowsitall · 13/09/2015 02:08

Leave him! It's appalling abuse.

sleeponeday · 13/09/2015 04:00

The take-home from 42k is over 2.6k a month.

Shonajay · 13/09/2015 04:22

How many children do you have?

Shonajay · 13/09/2015 04:27

Oh, also, are you married? Because if he behaves like this when you're together, you'll be stuffed for,financial support for the kids if you split.

My dh earns a good wage, and is good with money. I get an "allowance" of £100 a week, and he pays for everything, my phone, petrol, etc. he puts a huge chunk of his wages into his pension, could yours be doing that? I once got terribly in trouble with credit cards so he doesn't want me having one, which I think is fair enough since I spent over 20k gulp! (I was clinically depressed at the time and had just lost my mum and had PND).

LobsterQuadrille · 13/09/2015 08:26

So your DP was in debt once - that could have drastically affected his view of money and given it an over-inflated importance in his eyes. My ex H used to buy the week's shopping and itemise the receipt and present it to me with a total of what I owed him. When I remarked that I'd bought it outright the week before (we were on very similar salaries), he'd say that that was my fault and I should have charged him.

This doesn't excuse your DP, incidentally - just that some people are very protective about "their" money - my ex has never paid anything for his DD. Yours is emotionally and practically absent too, from your other comments. You really wouldn't be worse off without him - it does seem unlikely that he'll be able to undergo any drastic change. Is HE happy or would he see the sense in a split?

Writerwannabe83 · 13/09/2015 08:26

I know it's not the same situation as I'm not a SAHP but anything to do with our son, house or car stuff gets paid from the main pot of money.

Phone bills, petrol, car tax/insurance, clothes/toys for DS, pet insurance, vet bills, food bliss etc. anything that isn't a "treat yourself personal spend" should come out of the main income.

Once all the above has been taken out of our income pot whatever is left over is split into two for me and DH, he does what he wants with his and I do what I want with mine.

During the last 3 months of my Maternity leave I had no income and so my husband paid for everything and I was also given about £200 that was for me to spend on myself to just do as I wished with. He would have never, ever have expected me to be paying for anything practical with that money (ie house stuff, bills, DS related stuff etc) as that's not how relationships work. It's about supporting each other, one partner should not be having lots of free cash to enjoy whilst watching the other parter suffer. It's just an awful, awful set-up that you are in.

You need to sit down with DH and write a list of all the costs of anything that isn't a "luxury spend" for yourself and make sure those costs come out of his salary, not your personal allowance.

dontrunwithscissors · 13/09/2015 08:45

For the sake of clarity, take home pay will vary on the amount of pension--I earn £42k and bring home £2265

badgergirl82 · 13/09/2015 08:57

I could forgive a lot to keep a marriage together when a child was involved, but I'm not sure I could be with anybody who would allow a living creature to suffer. I'm sorry this is happening to you,FishFace, but I do feel this might be something you need to think carefully about. Your child is witnessing this and is learning that money is controlled by males and moreover, that money is more important than the happiness and wellbeing of an animal, not just any animal but a much-loved family pet.

I wouldn't want my child to have that message.

sleeponeday · 13/09/2015 12:35

For the sake of clarity, take home pay will vary on the amount of pension--I earn £42k and bring home £2265

It's relevant for me, because I am married and therefore DH's pension contributions are in my interests, too. It is not relevant to the OP, because she is unmarried and therefore any pension payments he is making must be calculated from his share of the pot, and not hers, as they are solely to benefit him. If he walked out tomorrow, she'd have no claim on any of it. For that reason I disagree that his pension payments should be considered when calculating his take-home. It would be another way his needs and expenses are seen as none of her business and not ones that need to be weighted when calculating a fair split of family money.

OhWotIsItThisTime · 13/09/2015 19:34

When I was on maternity leave, dh paid for everything and gave me money to spend on myself. We are not rich. But we do love each other and support each other.

gallicgirl · 20/09/2015 11:09

Not married? Ouch.

ok, while he's away try to get documents together to show his income and savings.
Get passports, birth certificates etc.

Not sure whose name is on the mortgage but if I were you, I'd stay put and make him move. No reason why the kids should be uprooted.

Original poster

FishFace99 · 20/09/2015 11:28

We're renting and the tenancy is in his name and related to his job so we have no right to stay and no money to leave.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 20/09/2015 11:30

You said you were leaving on your other thread - are you?

gallicgirl · 20/09/2015 11:51

I think you need to talk to Shelter and Womens Aid.
As much as the financial control he has makes it difficult for you to leave, it's not impossible.

You say he's away for the week - does he take the car with him or is there another car that you have access to? You either continue to use the car until he forces it from you or you're used to coping without a car.
Ask him to move out even if only temporarily whilst you find your own place. Although you're right in that you probably have no rights to stay there permanently, there's no reason why he can't stay somewhere else for a few weeks. Check with Shelter anyway.

If you are moved across town, then move the children's schooling. Sure it's not real, but in the long term, they are better off without this man in their lives.

Are you in an area with a shortage of housing and school places, e.g. London?

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