to think it isn't normal to live like this?

[FishFace99]

I'm a SAHM. DP earns around £42k and our rent is low - under £400 pcm, with few other outgoings. I receive child benefit and DP gives me £350 per month. Out of this I need to pay for my phone, our broadband, one shopping account, our car, my credit card plus everything for the pets and DC and food and cleaning products, toiletries etc.

I haven't had a haircut or bought new clothes for as long as I can remember. I can't afford boots or a hat or coat for the winter. I'm having to put things for the DC on my credit card but am nearing the limit. Our dog needs to see the vet IMO but I can't afford it and DP says to leave it and she'll be fine. I have no access to his finances.

Aibu to think this isn't how most couples operate and that the kids, pets and I shouldn't be going withoutlike this?

I'm afraid he is just not a nice or kind person. He lets you go short of stuff while he is more than comfortable himself. Not the act of a good partner. If your
DD is his and he put nothing towards her birthday, that's irredeemably mean. It's still pretty mean if he's her stepdad.

Adding to that the fq2acts that you've been forced into being a SAHM because he won't face his childcare responsibilities, and that you were financially better off as a single parent, I can't see much appeal in staying with him. He's doing your kids down as well as you. I know it's not simple just to walk out straight away but you're clearly unhappy.

FishFace is there a reason you have posted now, as this has obviously been gong on for quite a while? You must know that this is not how a "normal" couple manages the family finances.

I think you need to carefully plan your next steps

Not just abusive bordering on slavery!! I wouldn't even bother confronting this arse! Unless with an ultimatum - be a man, support your family or get out!

But tbh I'd just walk!

I'm on full benefits now, and they total £600 per month, and that's not including full housing benefit, which means I pay £0 for rent. And I don't drive/have a car.

That is ridiculous. We earn different amounts and put in the same amount to the joint account. DP pays for our car and most of our 'fun' things though. However anytime I've been short of money he has always offered to help me. How can you live with someone who is so selfish?

We would be living in poverty on £350 per month. Your dp should be ashamed of himself. How do you manage??

Op if you could stick temporary accomodation like a womans shelter or hostel until you got a council property waiting times vary from area to area assuming all parts of uk pay same rates (do they?) you could be up to £3000 a year better off. Then you could afford things like sorting your pet out! what kind of callous bastard keeps £1800 for spends every month but won't take their pet to the vets?

Is he just generally a selfish person?

I'm in kind of a similar situation and looking to get out. I've found part time work but if I can get anything full time then I will be out.

It says a lot that you were better off as a single parent.

You'd be richer on benefits. You'd get benefits, and then maintenance on top as it's not included on the calculations.

This is financial abuse and he is exploiting you. Free childcare, free housekeeper, and you manage to run a home for four people on £400 a month for him. His takehome will be around £2600 a month, so £2200 after rent is taken out. He doesn't even pay for the car. So effectively, if you allow all utilities and council tax as £250 a month, he has £1600 a month to save or spend on himself after essential living expenses.

There is no way £400 a month will cover the list you just gave. None.

I know a guy locally like that. Has shiny motorbikes while his wife has economy brand everything - which is fine, if it weren't from desperation when her DP has a bloody good job and buys himself treats galore. She had to go to him cap in hand to buy school shoes. Usually, she goes cap in hand to her parents instead. Awful.

Off that salary id be demanding £1000 a month from him to cover costs your speak of.

Tell him to get a grip

Your relationship is not a partnership.

You need more than a grand from it, because you are covering the costs for both kids and the car as well as running the household. If you take a grand from the £2600 pot, when his expenses are then around £650, he's got almost a grand to play with as pocket money left. That's family money.

We have a system where food is bought on a family credit card and paid off in full each month; all utilities, children's expenses, car costs and rent come from a family current account; there is a savings account in our joint names for a rainy day; and then what is left is split between us both for spending money. That's surely normal?

Oh, and the pension we overpay on in his name, because it's an extremely good one and as a married couple it is effectively mine, too (I'd be entitled to half if we split up). We also have good life insurance.

Any arrangements for your pension, OP? Life insurance for him? Hmm?

My ex was like that. I set up a separate account for myself which he would pay a minimum amount into and we had a joint account for bills and his wages (a lot more than your DP but I never knew how much) but then I had to justify everything. I once asked if I could have £5, he demanded to know what I could possibly want £5 for - a box of Tampax.

Fast forward and we're divorced, yay! But I'm still tied up with that joint account which I personally haven't used in 10 years.

My ex lied about his cash, his savings and his Pokemon obsession with credit cards - (had to have them all). He took a fit one year after divorce when I asked for some help with uniforms, 3 x uniforms and school shoes so you can imagine how much that added up! Total tight arse.

I would try and save as much money of the £350 you get in a separate (single) acount and use the joint account for almost everything else. Protect yourself and your children's future. This is control and it won't get better.

I am in the same position as you op, I get the same each month off dh who earns similar to yours. However, dh is very weary about trusting me with the money as I have had spending addictions in the past, when I am stressed or down it comes back. I receive directly on top, dd DLA and CB. The money I get from dh is for food and bits only. If I needed any extra like parties for kids, or clothes whatever, I ask him to transfer which he will. Dh does all bills, mortgage, car, broadband. You need to sit down and have a frank discussion with him, your situTion is not on.

Dd DLA goes to her care and every day things she needs.

youd be financially and emotionally better off if you left. It doesnt sound like he really takes you or the children into consideration at all

Aeroflotgirl, you have spending addictions? Does he say that or do you actually?

Those saying 42k isn't enough to support a SAHM aren't living in the real world - you do know that's far more than the average household income?
AND the OPs mortgage is tiny. We manage on 2/3 of 42k, with a mortgage more than the OP.

And you know what, I'm still not a financially abusive dick like the OP's DP. Everything in our house is split.

OP, this is not ok. But you know that. You need to have a serious discussion with him and, if it's not resolved to your satisfaction, leave. I'm sorry you're in this position.

It's not my choice to be a SAHM btw, but he can't be relied upon for any help with childcare and won't help with the upfront childcare payments should I find a job.

I think your problems are bigger than the financial abuse tbh.

Not reasonable at all and financial abuse. Partners should be sharing so that everyone has the same quality of life.

People have dealt with this well above, but just re the dog. I think you could get in trouble , I e. taken to court by RSPCA, if there is something really wrong with the dog and it's not going to the vet. Hopefully they wouldn't blame you alone, but it depends how sick the dog is. I'm just pointing this out ,not because I think the dog is the main concern her, but because your "d" p is exposing you to criminal charges with his abusive behaviour as well as potential poor credit record etc. It's not just a case of no boots, no haircut etc (I know you know this) but really serious consequences.

sorry for crap typing on phone.

I also agree with bacon re bordering on slavery. That was my first thought when i read the op.

Also aeroflot I have had spending addiction type problems myself, as have an addictive personality, but I have to control it myself rather than dh policing me!

OP the problem is that, not being married, you have no claim on his money legally. Morally, of course, he should be sharing it equally with you but he obviously doesn't want to do that.

I don't think you have a leg to stand on. Sorry. Get some legal and financial advice.