to think it isn't normal to live like this?

[FishFace99]

I'm a SAHM. DP earns around £42k and our rent is low - under £400 pcm, with few other outgoings. I receive child benefit and DP gives me £350 per month. Out of this I need to pay for my phone, our broadband, one shopping account, our car, my credit card plus everything for the pets and DC and food and cleaning products, toiletries etc.

I haven't had a haircut or bought new clothes for as long as I can remember. I can't afford boots or a hat or coat for the winter. I'm having to put things for the DC on my credit card but am nearing the limit. Our dog needs to see the vet IMO but I can't afford it and DP says to leave it and she'll be fine. I have no access to his finances.

Aibu to think this isn't how most couples operate and that the kids, pets and I shouldn't be going withoutlike this?

YANBU. And this is not normal. 42k is more than enough for you to be a SAHP and be comfortable. He is controlling you and being selfish. Without sounding harsh, you would be better off financially (and in every other way) as a single parent. Renting you would get housing benefit, council tax benefit, tax credits, etc.
I am a SAHP to our DD. OH works full time earning £24k. With tax credits we make it work, just! And that's with 900 rent a month! He pays rent, bills, shopping, cars and phones etc. I use my little bit of money for general living, small shops, toddler groups, things our DD needs (unless it's a big purchase).
We are a team, that's how it should be.

Op, you will be better off as a lone parent.
If you're intent on staying with your DP then you need to give him an ultimatum.
Judging by your other posts your life is full of drama and this bloke is a complete prick. Why have 3 kids with someone who financially abuses you?

Fuck that quite simply.

Oh sorry - I didn't realise

People don't, it's because there used to be a scheme where you could but it hasn't existed for years now. Not your fault.

Is he the father of the kids?

aeroflot sorry to be gone such a long time. I'm really glad you are getting some help.

Jeff I didn't know there was a background but your post just makes it sound worse.

This is a situation where I just can't see the partner getting any better.

Sorry you have ended up in such a shit situation op.

We have a household income of around 42k including child benefit. Everything goes up one pot and I control the finances, just because I do the shopping, kids activities, plan for birthdays and Xmas et so I know what we have spare and what's earmarked for school shoes etc.

He is father to two children, I have one from my previous marriage. I have no pension or savings, but a degree from Cambridge which I worked so hard for and feel like I'm completely wasting. I have no family or friends because we recently moved for his work and feel thoroughly trapped tbh.

You feel trapped because you are. There are many different kinds of cages.

Please contact women's aid as I suspect you're not even telling us the whole story (and that's your right of course) but I am worried for you and dc.

I agree, call WA. You are being abused, at the very least financially.

And if you have any friends or family that you trust and are in a position to support you, tell one of them what's going on. You don't have to tell everyone you know, just one person.

Is there any way you can take the children, go back home (to your parent's or a sibling's?), and start to rebuild your life? If you have a degree, I assume you have a marketable skill or should have with perhaps a little more training?

This is absolutely awful, I have been shocked reading your posts fishface. There is absolutely no way on this earth that a man who loved and respected his partner would treat her like this. No way.

He sounds like an utter bastard - and a nasty, controlling and selfish one at that.

You have got to get out of this situation because you deserve so much better! I genuinely can't believe the way he's treating you.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this because it sounds horrendous.

Someone once gave me a quote when I was in a r'ship with a vile man that I didn't have the strength to leave, and it read along the lines of "you can't change someone else's behaviour, you can only change how you respond to it."

Only you can change this situation.

What are you going to do OP?

Op have you sat down with him and gone through figures and shown him in black and white how hard things are financially? I'd start with that and if it didn't help I'd be off to WA.

Op have you ever talked to him about this. If not there may be a slim hope he's just immensely thoughtless, not good but not malicious. If you haven't then do.

If you have then I'm afraid he's a nasty bastard. You'd be better off financially away from him.

Nope, not normal, I'm a SAHM and our mortgage isn't much more than your rent, DP gives me a weekly allowance because i pay for the top-up shopping, my phone and any extra fun stuff for our daughters and I. He pays the other bills, main shop, etc from his wage. Do you have a joint account?

Maybe he doesn't realise how much things actually cost.

On moneysavingexpert.com, there's a budget planner. Why don't you fill in the details, and show him how much it actually all costs.

My rough budget:
£400 food
£30 haircut
£30 clothes
£30 presents
£15 phone
£? Broadband (can't remember)
£20 shoes
£100+ petrol
Etc

Obviously I don't buy presents, have haircuts etc every month, but you need to allow extra for those months when you do have to spend.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/Budget-planning

If you have a Cambridge degree and some form of work history prior to this relationship then bluntly you are crazy to accept this. I'm sure you've been ground down to the point you feel there are no options - that's all part of the abuse.

Are you saying that two of the kids you are caring for and paying for are in fact his - not yours? Or that you have one child at home now? Either way, you'd be better off single unless a LOT changes, and what you describe of the relationship doesn't inspire.

I'm also a Cambridge educated SAHP, incidentally. I am not of the view that it is a worthless role at all. I am saying it is one that allows abuse if the WOHP is that way inclined, especially if unmarried.

Have you asked him for more money op? What is he doing with the rest of it? My dh gives me half of his wages to run the house and he pays bills with the other half. Could you put that to him?

YANBU.
this is not normal at all. it is abuse.
he has already isolated you and he is a financial abuser.
is there other emotional/physical abuse in your relationship?

i have a strong suspicion that he will not change, therefore you need to get some legal help.
call Women's Aid.
you do not have to live in indigence.
get help today.

Do you know what you want to do about it?

Op you know this is wrong.
You still have choices. I'm sure that if you left this twat and went to your local council and present yourself and your dc's as homeless they have a duty of care to accommodate you, even if it's temporary while you go on the housing register. Then you can sort out applying for financial help with the job centre.
This is all doable, I left an abusive partner many years ago. You can do it

Blimey OP - I'm a single parent on a pretty low wage and I have more disposable income than you. I'd seriously consider ending this relationship (after having a good dig around to find out as much as you can about his finances).
If you find work and end the relationship you will be able to claim tax credits to assist with childcare costs and top up your income whilst you find your feet. I did this even whilst we were still under the same roof (as he refused to leave)

DH was recently made redundant. I'm earning £42k, which brings in £2250 net (pension contributions are 7.5%). We have a mortgage of £950, run two cars, and can manage. I wouldn't t dream of doing anythn

Sorry. Pressed post too soon. I wouldn't dream of doing anything else. I can't see how things are going to get better for you, OP. I hope people on here can help you see a way out.

So, you serve him beans on toast every evening and when he complains you tell him that you can't afford to give him anything else.

What does he say when you tell him this isn't enough money?

Why don't you have some joint finances?