to think it isn't normal to live like this?

[FishFace99]

I'm a SAHM. DP earns around £42k and our rent is low - under £400 pcm, with few other outgoings. I receive child benefit and DP gives me £350 per month. Out of this I need to pay for my phone, our broadband, one shopping account, our car, my credit card plus everything for the pets and DC and food and cleaning products, toiletries etc.

I haven't had a haircut or bought new clothes for as long as I can remember. I can't afford boots or a hat or coat for the winter. I'm having to put things for the DC on my credit card but am nearing the limit. Our dog needs to see the vet IMO but I can't afford it and DP says to leave it and she'll be fine. I have no access to his finances.

Aibu to think this isn't how most couples operate and that the kids, pets and I shouldn't be going withoutlike this?

ideal, not real, sorry

You will be much better off without him. Not in the very short term but within six months. Get your independence back.

You have had a good education, how did you get to be in this situation? No job, no car, no marriage, three or more children = very vulnerable.

There's a few threads running, in another the OP wants separate houses as thinks it will solve everything as she'll be better off financially as she will have a career and not have his children around.

If you career is possible as a single person, why is it not now?

Was he happy for you to be a SAHM? Maybe he's not, have you asked him? It's a very precarious situation to put yourself in if you have a career in waiting.

How are things, OP?

From the other threads looks like you may be getting sexually abused too. I believe you're downplaying what's going on. Like most abused women he's convinced you, that you can't leave that it's just too hard. That's what abusers do.

To the pp who said 'you're educated how'd you end up like this' please stop victim blaming.

Domestic abuse is about FAR more than the physical abuse. It begins with very subtle mentally abusing the victim to get them to a point where they think the abuser is right the victim is wrong and the victim thinks they deserve the abuse.

To the OP,call women's aid and shelter, if its easier for you think of it as simply you finding out where you stand before you decide what to do next, then view it that way.

But no this is not any where near normal.

Things are crap. The best I can do is put myself on the homeless register and leave with nothing. He probably wouldn't challenge it if I said he couldn't have contact with the dc but is that best for them?

What is best for you at the moment is best for them. They will suffer if you stay in an abusive relationship. If you are happy and strong so will they be.

You wouldn't be leaving with nothing. You'd be leaving with dignity, peace of mind and freedom for you AND your children. Within 6 months you'll be doing so much better within a year you'll wonder why the hell you stayed as long as you did and what on earth you ever saw in him!

Do it!

Leave. Just take the children and go. Even being in a shelter is better than how you are living now. Your children are seeing a terrible situation and you don't want them to grow up thinking that's how a marriage is.

Talk to womens aid.

Get proof of any fianancial matters and copy documents. Have you got a friend who will store clothes, toys and basic bits of furniture/bedding for you?

Take womens aid advice but at the end of the day you can just walk away and turn up at the council offices. They won't leave children with nowhere to sleep.

Daunting, yes. Frightening, yes. The right thing to do for your children, yes.

As people say, you will look back and wonder why you stood it for so long.

Not normal, is financial abuse.

Ah, sorry, didn't see how fat the thread had moved. Am glad everyone else said the same thing.

OP, good luck in finding a better way to live. I understand all too well how hard it is to escape this kind of relationship, but it will all be worth it in the end.

fat = far

(I clearly need another cup of tea and some typing lessons)

You would be far better off alone.
It might not feel like it right now but that's the reality.
He would have to pay you around £500 per month child maintenance for 2 kids.
You would get housing and tax credits.
Do you have any family who could help you out initially?
Maybe help with deposit and first couple of months rent to get everything in place?
Could you move in with a family member or a friend for a short while until you get things sorted out?
IF you challenged him, would he even try to step up.
Look up HERE he should be paying you £128 per week for 2 kids.
Could you show him that and at least improve the payments until you get something in place?
Would he take any notice?
Please contact Womens Aid in the first instance.
This is financial abuse which I would imagine is just the tip of the iceberg!
They will be able to put you in touch with solicitors in your area who can help you.