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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to go to any classes/groups and to avoid the HV?

174 replies

pinwheel · 09/09/2015 21:12

DH and I are planning to start a family...but I hate the idea of antenatal groups or classes or, tbh, anything with the word 'group' in the title; I don't want the HV popping in either so would be opting out of that quicksharp. I'm not really antisocial in the rest of my life, honest, but this stuff just has no appeal whatsoever... AIBU to hope I can get away with this approach??

OP posts:
simplysarcastic · 09/09/2015 21:16

I never went to any classes or groups, they're optional.

Not sure you can swerve the HV though.

Ineedtimeoff · 09/09/2015 21:17

I understand why you might be a bit nervous of antenatal classes but I think it's worth giving them a try. I suppose that you can find out all that you need to know from books, the what to expect when you are expecting range are quite good.

Why don't you want to interact with the HV? What is it you are worried about? You might actually find that the service is useful!

It seems like you have made a lot of judgements without finding out what they are all about and why they are important. Perhaps you need to have a chat with a midwife to discuss your worries???

Rosa · 09/09/2015 21:19

Your baby your choice if you don't want to attend any groups. You might actually find something helpful either before or after but its your choice,
As for a HV they will just be doing their job in ensuring that you and the baby are healthy.

53rdAndBird · 09/09/2015 21:20

Well if you want to, yes? I mean, nobody's going to take your baby away for not attending Rhyme Time.

But it is maybe worth looking at why people do get involved with these things, rather than deciding to opt out entirely whether or not they sound inherently appealing to you right now? I mean, my antenatal classes weren't fun exactly, but they were useful, especially for basic baby care stuff. HV dropping in wasn't my idea of a great social event but was very reassuring for monitoring my newborn's jaundice.

LikeSilver · 09/09/2015 21:21

I've had two babies and the HV has never popped in. Do they do that? In my area the midwife hands over to the HV who visits for all of five minutes, gives you a bunch of leaflets like you have time to sit around reading and you never see them again unless you go to baby clinic (optional).

I didn't go to any antenatal groups - couldn't afford NCT. Post natally I got bored out of my brains hanging out with a newborn for weeks on end and eventually took her to 'mummy morning' vom, made a few friends and now we sit at soft play eating cake instead.

Tootsiepops · 09/09/2015 21:22

I'm starting nct classes week after next and it seemed like a good idea when we signed up. Now I'd rather chew my arm off than actually go, and am trying to think of reasons to get out of it.

As for the hv - you're not obliged to accept any care you don't want.

TenForward82 · 09/09/2015 21:22

I think as long as you educate yourself on pregnancy and birth (I've read shitloads of books) - as opposed to burying your head in the sand, I mean - then there's no harm in avoiding classes. It's not a requirement. But the HV you may not be able to dodge.

ReluctantCamper · 09/09/2015 21:23

It's worse if the HV doesn't come to you. Round here, unless you've had a c section, you have to haul yourself out to baby clinic to get weighed at 5 days or whatever ludicrous time it is.

You'll probably want your baby weighed at the very minimum. You don't have to ask them for any advice, and I never had any unsolicited advice from them.

HedgehogAtHome · 09/09/2015 21:25

I was pleasantly surprised by my current health visitor. She's common sense and comes and weighs the baby every week (even though WHO say not to, but we agreed it's still a good idea to do). My last one had as much purpose as Anne Frank's drum kit.

I avoid the lessons as I don't like lots of people all at once. I am glad I gave the HV a chance though, I can see if we do have any issues she'd be an asset.

Original poster
pinwheel · 09/09/2015 21:25

I'm not nervous, I just don't want to! I loathe group activities and classes in general anyway as the pace of the information being relayed is waaaay too slow. I'd much prefer books. A chat with a midwife sounds like a great idea, I can then ask the questions that I have and dispense with the tedious elements :D

Can't really see the point of the HV; if I need help I'll ask for it! Neither antenatal classes nor HV are a 'thing' in perfectly civilised countries like the US, so why have the intrusion here?

OP posts:
Sparrowlegs248 · 09/09/2015 21:25

I felt the same but we went to labour and New baby classes, and I went to the BF class. The first two we're very helpful for DH but as i had bought an excellent book they didn't tell me anything i hadn't read. The BF class was very helpful.

I'm not sure you can opt out of the first 3 HV appointments. I'm not sure why you would want to.

Both me and DH are a bit anti social and had to grit our teeth a bit in the classes, they were all very happy clappy.

LaurieMarlow · 09/09/2015 21:27

Don't underestimate the value of the network that antenatal classes will give you. You can't get that from books.

That said, up to you. There are no rules.

The HV came to me twice, stayed less than 10 minutes each time. I never bothered with the clinics.

noiwontstoptalking · 09/09/2015 21:28

You don't go for the classes you go to make friends with DC the same age. It can be lonely at home with a newborn it's good to have others who understand how you feel.

In our area you go to the HV at the clinic to get your baby weighed/ask questions (you will have some).

What you do is entirely up to you if course but deliberately isolating yourself with a new baby isn't a great idea tbh.

catzpyjamas · 09/09/2015 21:28

I did attend antenatal clinic/classes but ran off straight afterwards. No coffee and cake etc.
I managed to only have HV visit 3 times after DD was born. I never went to baby clinic. When they phoned Hmm I told them I'd weighed her at home.
DD and I didn't do any clubs etc until she was one and even then it was a mums and toddlers group for a couple of hours each week. I ended up making some really good friends there actually.

DoJo · 09/09/2015 21:29

I felt the same as you when I was pregnant - I have plenty of friends and many of them have children, so I didn't see the need to hang out with other parents just because we all had kids the same age. However, when my son was a couple of weeks old I was invited to a post-natal group at my GP's where I met some people who I now consider firm friends and who I still spend time with, three and a half years later.
I only went to the group because there was one on baby massage which sounded interesting, and it was actually really nice to have people who were just as shell-shocked as I was and we soon started going to another group at the children's centre which was just good for a change of scene after a sleepless night.
I wouldn't rule anything out before you are in that position - you might feel exactly the same once your baby arrives, but you might change your mind, so making a decision and opting out before you are even sure what's on offer might not be what you want when the time actually comes.

HedgehogAtHome · 09/09/2015 21:29

'Can't really see the point of the HV'

If all goes well, it's just protocol. But if you're not coping they could be a life saver. PND is a bastard and however well educated and sensible you are you may not recognise it in yourself if it does happen.

Florriesma · 09/09/2015 21:29

I didn't go to baby groups either. Too busy with other stuff.

The hv is not for your benefit. So if you want the baby weighed, vaccinations etc you have to go to the hv. Also for feeding advice. Don't kid yourself that you will find all this out in a book. Or at least you think you know now. Wait until you've actually got a newborn..

RatherBeRiding · 09/09/2015 21:30

I didn't attend a single antenatal class. Read a couple of textbooks and spent hours and hours in the gym before both my DC, watched my weight and sailed through labour and childbirth without breaking sweat! Wild horses wouldn't have got me in the same building as a mother n' baby group.

You don't need classes and groups if you don't need them. If that makes sense. As for the HV - its not compulsory but you might find the service useful. It's all about what works for YOU.

maryann1975 · 09/09/2015 21:30

You might think differently when you haven't seen another adult apart from your dp for days on end. Child rearing can be lonely. tbh, I don't think you will know how you feel about these groups until you have a baby and have lived the life of a new mum for a few weeks. You might be fine just you and your baby day in, day out, but the days are long and there are lots of them to fill. Do you have friends with babies/children who you would socialise with? Would you have a long maternity leave or plan to go back to work quickly?

Hv are a pain sometimes and i have probably only seen mine twice since dd was six months old, but when they were tiny, going to the hv clinic was quite useful.

CocktailQueen · 09/09/2015 21:30

The hv appointments can be v useful if you are worried about anything or want to ask anything. About the baby.

Groups are optional but you never know, you might enjoy them! I am fairly antisocial yet enjoyed the nct classes and our group stil meets up 11 years on. Good for the dc as well.....

BYOSnowman · 09/09/2015 21:31

don't be rigid - see how you feel as you go along

going into having kids with fixed ideas is never a good idea - often the baby hasn't read the same book!

TitusAndromedon · 09/09/2015 21:31

I don't think ante-natal classes are an intrusion. They certainly aren't required. Saying that, I started NCT yesterday and found it interesting and helpful.

Also, it is not at all uncommon to attend ante-natal classes in the U.S., and there is a vast range of baby groups in many parts of the country. Many people find it useful to be able to share their experiences with someone going through similar things at the same time. I don't think it's just about information.

Thelushinthepub · 09/09/2015 21:33

Yabu and I find your attitude really odd tbh. Obviously you don't have to go to groups, but why wouldn't you see the HV? It's a brilliant service and you have no idea what sort of birth you'll have and what sort of support you will need. Aren't you going to have your baby weighed? What if you need help?

They only come a couple of times, I can't see the harm at all.

Original poster
pinwheel · 09/09/2015 21:33

thanks guys - it is reassuring to know i'm not the only one who doesn't find these things appealing!

at present, i'm planning to only take a few months of mat leave and then DH will be doing the childcare thing. we're both lucky to have great mat/pat leave arrangements through work; he's much more patient and less easily bored than me so it will be up to him if he wants to go to any groups or classes...

OP posts:
ReluctantCamper · 09/09/2015 21:33

Slightly macabre story. My grandad had a baby sister who died while she was a baby and he was a little boy. Their father was away, and their mother wrapped the body up and continued as normal. That's part of the reason we have health visitors.

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