to not want to go to any classes/groups and to avoid the HV?

[pinwheel]

DH and I are planning to start a family...but I hate the idea of antenatal groups or classes or, tbh, anything with the word 'group' in the title; I don't want the HV popping in either so would be opting out of that quicksharp. I'm not really antisocial in the rest of my life, honest, but this stuff just has no appeal whatsoever... AIBU to hope I can get away with this approach??

It is a free country, do what you like OP. However, I'll share my not very exciting tale.

I am a GP. I have worked as a hospital doctor in both obstetrics and paediatrics as part of my training. I have delivered babies, delivered antenatal care to women, attended post-natal clinics for women with gynaecological problems post childbirth, and looked after sickest of the sick babies in the neonatal intensive care unit. I was pretty sure I knew it all and was well-prepared for having a baby.

I did do NCT classes, as I don't know anyone in the area with babies and I did figure out that I might want some people to talk to afterwards, so I went from a social POV. I was, in all honesty, a bit of a know-it-all and corrected the NCT leader etc and probably gave off "I'm too good to be here, I know all this" type vibes, which in retrospect isn't a good attitude if you are trying to make friends! Luckily, they were quite forgiving.

I had a textbook pregnancy and birth, went home the next day. And was a gibbering, snivelling, wreck for at least the next 4 weeks, if not 8. And I had a perfectly healthy happy baby and very little in the way of gynaecological trauma to deal with. I was a ghost of my usual self. I had zero confidence in my own abilities to look after this little dude I'd created. I could barely leave the house, and didn't without my DH there to help.

If my HV had not called round, I don't know what I would have done. She gave me so much reassurance that what I was doing was right, told me to stop stressing when DS went a tiny tiny bit yellow and generally saved my sanity. DS is 8 months now and when I go every now and again to HV weighing clinic to say hello to her she always gives me a little knowing wink of "told you it'd work out alright, didn't I?".

As for the forgiving NCT group, we are all good friends. Most of us see each other once a week. I go to Rhyme Time, Baby Sensory and previously went to Waterbabies and Monkey Music. Of course it isn't fun for me well, Waterbabies was I suppose, but it isn't about me. Frankly, whilst classes haven't been running over the summer I have been going round the bend with boredom. DS just isn't that interactive yet. The days are so, so long if you have nothing to go out and do.

So, as PP have said, don't write anything off. You may think you know it all, as I did. You are in for an almighty shock when you do have a little one, just as I was.

'You have to accept people have different experiences than you'

That goes the other way round. The op has been questioned as being naive, doesn't know anything, shouldn't have children, is clueless, you wait etc. How do those people know it will be like that for op?

I never said you didn't, minipie! Just that my experience, and thousands of others, is different. It's not in the least bit unusual to not have baby experience when you have your own, or for a social circle all to have babies at a later stage together so they don't have any experience with each other's offspring.

It also isn't the least bit unusual to not go to antenatal classes, baby groups or have the health visitor around much. I have never met anyone in rl that has attended a NCT group.

I didn't go to antenatal classes, and I hardly attended baby groups with DD1, might consider it with DD2 though whilst 1 is at Pre-School. The HV came round two or three times and now I only see them if/when I go to baby clinic for a weigh in, it's really not that much of a bother. I don't really use the service, but I don't feel the need to opt out either. Who knows, It may come in handy to me in the future.

' How do those people know it will be like that for op?"

They don't. But they are just suggesting that she opens her mind to the idea it might be.

You were clearly knowledgeable, relaxed and happy around babies, and had a good network of parent friends before you even got pregnant, which must have been very helpful.

However, the OPs comments would suggest that is not the case for her, and so her experience is already very different from yours.

Of course OP will come back now and tell us she's a nursery nurse who's been changing dozens of nappies a day since she was 16

I have chosen not to go to classes. I don't think I'm a big know-it-all, but I watched some taster sessions online, and it all looked cringeworthingly awful. I'm not anti-social, but never had a need to be around people either, so really didn't feel the need to go out and make some 'mummy friends'. I think I'm luckier than some though. My partner mostly works from home, and a couple of friends are due with their first around the same time as me. Yes, I'll probably be more overwhelmed that I thought I'd be, but I'm not too worried - panicking and trying to control it all would be a far worse thing to do. I can't plan too much for the birth or the following months, because who knows what will actually happen?

As for the HV, I did have one plan to visit but had to cancel that appointed. Unfortunately, things have gotten away from me since, and they haven't contacted me either. Perhaps I should call them, though with only a couple of weeks to go, the SPD is making tidying up a nightmare. Hate the thought of getting some awful judgy mare because I have a pile of washing that hasn't been put away, or haven't hoovered for a while....

With terms like 'you think you know it but you don't' and 'you are in for a shock' that is n't being open.

Well, if OP has no baby experience, she almost certainly is in for a shock

Dogmatism doesn't help though. And to be fair, if some one has said to me before I'd had the baby that I knew nothing; was in for a terrible shock, would be desperate for support etc. I would have politely nodded and moved away! Sometimes nothing but personal experience will do.

With terms like 'you think you know it but you don't' and 'you are in for a shock' that is n't being open.

Maybe not the shock part, but the "you think you know it but you don't" is pretty factual, mudpie. Until you are a parent, you literally don't know.

I'm scared of heights so don't think I'd enjoy a parachute jump. But I've never don't one, so I don't know. That's all people are saying.

don't = done, sorry

I think sometimes people project their experiences on to others. 'You wait until you have 2, 3, 4 children' or 'you don't know anything yet wait until you have whatever aged children'.

Well, that's all we can do, really. As long as its presented in a helpful, "you might want to be prepared for....!" Sort of way.

Saying "my experience was X so yours will be too!" Isn't helpful either way. But learning what helped others in similar situations can be.

"Most of your life is preparing to be a mum or dad"

Mine certainly wasn't. Didn't even think about it until I was 28 and was the first of my social group to have a baby at 29. My life until then had been about getting qualifications and a career. I had certainly never changed a nappy!
I don't know anyone who didn't go to some form of antenatal class.
Of course you don't have to go to baby groups OP. Not sure why you've chosen now to ask this on mumsnet if you're not even TTC?
Do what you want, just keep an open mind.

Didn't do any classes (antenatal or baby groups) although did have the HV round and the lactation consultant and the MW. HV just turned up one morning [as the MW do!] and it was fine.

You may be able to swing it so you see HV at baby clinic.

One thing you can't avoid in my area are seeing the MW - to be discharged - at baby clinic. The first 3 visits are at home but the last one now has to be a clinic.

Another unavoidable thing is 6 week check (although they do it at 8 weeks here 5o coincide with first jabs)

Other than that I have had no obligation or pressure to go anywhere or see anyone and it was the same for my first baby.

I have a good support network. Have relatives and friends with kids of similar ages to mine so baby groups never appealed to me. I have nothing against them but felt I had enough support / daily activities.

I was similar to OP before I had my first baby. Determined not to go to any classes or attend any groups. I was resigned to putting up with HV visits, though, although I was quite happy to be signed off and left to my own devices fairly quickly.

I didn't attend a single group despite my Mum nagging me to and was quite happy for my whole maternity leave, pottering about and doing my own thing. I guess I??m an introvert by nature and knew I??d be returning to full-time work after 6 months of maternity leave so didn??t feel the need to build up a network of ??friends?? for DD1 or myself. I really do think that the majority of groups you attend in the first 6-9 months of the baby??s life are primarily for the mother.

Then when I had DD2, I decided to have a go at attending some groups. This was nearly five years later and I was much more confident in myself by then so felt obligated to at least give it a go. I went to a baby massage group and to a baby signing group. They were OK ?? a bit awkward but not too painful. Again, it was obvious to me that the main beneficiaries of both were the mothers who were keen to make friends and socialise with other adults. Again, I was going back to full-time work at the end of my maternity leave while others weren??t so didn??t see the opportunity of ??networking?? as important in the long term for myself or DD2.

Now I??m pregnant with DC3 and I know for a fact I??ll be reverting back to Plan A. These sorts of groups simply aren??t for everyone. They didn??t appeal to me at all and despite having given it a go I am now certain they were never for me. I was much happier doing my own thing with my baby and seeing my existing friends rather than embarking on new social adventures whilst on maternity leave.

I don??t know if it makes a difference, but I??m very close to my parents and have a group of good friends who I mainly saw at weekends due to the fact they work and don??t live nearby. My DH was also very involved with the DCs from the start so I never felt alone or isolated and loved my days at home with no plan, no obligations ?? just myself and my baby.

I'd also never changed a nappy or even held a baby before I had DD1 so was no baby expert!

I think your existing network makes a difference. We moved back to the UK from abroad when I wa 28 weeks pregnant and moved to an area where we didn't know anyone, 200 miles from my parents/friends in the UK. My NCT friends were an absolute lifeline for me as we had no other support whatsoever. Also I'm very sociable so pottering at home really isn't for me, we saw friends/went to groups etc pretty much every day or I would have gone insane.

The US may be "perfectly civilised" but it has a worse maternal outcome rate than the UK. Most US mums would love to have midwives and health visitors. Mine were all lovely and not intrusive, and quick to sign you off and only see you when necessary at the clinic.
Visiting at home (which can be a bit chaotic) is supposed to help you and baby be more relaxed. It does occasionally help them remember something eg. we have a wood burner - they might remind us to look at fire guards, which is totally unnecessary for people with just central heating.
But do ask do just see them at clinic if that makes you happier.

Classes: I didn't do NCS. The hospital ones were useful for actually seeing where baby was going to be born, and meeting keep people, including the anaesthetist. The Physio gave great advice too
I found it was nice to meet other mothers at the same stage.

Most of your life is preparing to be a mum/dad.

Eh....what? Nope. I have a 7 wk.old son. I'm 38. I had never changed a nappy before his and had held about 2 babies. I starting preparing to be a mum when i got pregnant. Everyone is different.

For what its worth OP I felt exactly as you did before my DD was born and was especially phobic of NCT as I suspected it would be full of smug, Boden-clad yummy mums scaring the beejezus out of one another about epidurals etc. I went to a handful of antenatal classes and saw the HV but avoided baby groups.

I now kind of regret it because a lot of my contemporaries made really strong friendship networks via NCT/mummy groups which have stood the test of time.

Don't know how old you are and how many of your friends also have kids but its really really helpful to have a network of people going through roughly the same thing you are.

You may have very solid friendships and feel you don't need to be mates with people just because they are also having kids. But don't underestimate the impact that pregnancy, birth and having a newborn has on you, your hormones, your life, your opinions and your ability to cope. It can throw a real curveball and setting yourself up with a ready-made group of peers who are in exactly the same boat as you is not to be sneezed at....

"Most of your life is preparing to be a mum/dad.

You could be right. I spent a lot of years working for Government Ministers. Excellent preparation for capricious, egomaniacal, unreasonable, demanding toddlers....

I just had one HV visit. She took a look at my stitches, was suitably impressed by my bruising, and left me too it. I was curious about what her role is, and I gathered that she is there to offer support to families who need it (whether they know it or not, exactly). As DH & I were pretty sorted (as in, stable, happy, clean etc), she was happy to sign us off at my request, and never darkened our door again. It was nice to have somebody come to me though, and I ended up having a post-natal doula for both babies (my Mum is dead, so I had nobody to fulfil that sort of role). Post-natal doulas are great, and it's well worth researching some before the baby comes.

Hated baby groups. DD1 had colic and my life was a misery for the first few months. Having to get her and me out of the house for a baby group at a certain time was DEATH. Never really got into them, nor did DH, who was a SAHD for nearly 2 years when DD2 was tiny.

It's not a case of getting away with this approach, OP, it's a case of doing what works for you, even if it's something you wouldn't have even dreamt of doing before.

Most of your life is preparing to be a mum/dad.

Nonsense.

I spent a lot of years working for Government Ministers. Excellent preparation for capricious, egomaniacal, unreasonable, demanding toddlers....

I sincerely hope it didn't involve any nappy changing or breast feeding though

Government ministers though, they're like nappies, aren't they. Need changing regularly and usually full of shit.