Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to go to any classes/groups and to avoid the HV?

174 replies

pinwheel · 09/09/2015 21:12

DH and I are planning to start a family...but I hate the idea of antenatal groups or classes or, tbh, anything with the word 'group' in the title; I don't want the HV popping in either so would be opting out of that quicksharp. I'm not really antisocial in the rest of my life, honest, but this stuff just has no appeal whatsoever... AIBU to hope I can get away with this approach??

OP posts:
53rdAndBird · 09/09/2015 21:34

I know quite a few U.S. mothers from another discussion board, and they all had to take their babies to doctors' offices for checkups at days/weeks old and were seriously jealous of the idea of a HV service!

jobrum · 09/09/2015 21:34

I didn't go to any antenatal classes (I kept meaning to book them!) but found the labour information on babycentre.co.uk excellent. Goes into detail on each stage, options, problems etc and it made me feel very prepared. Did go to a bf class (v useful) and have a lovely hv but if you're doing well, you don't need to see them often at all. They do weigh your baby though. I go along, they tell me my baby is beautiful and I am doing great Grin weigh her and I ask any questions if I want to. Then I leave. Takes about five mins.

RiverTam · 09/09/2015 21:35

Of course these things aren't compulsory but you're daft to write them off when you have zero experience of them. And the U.S. is quite different from here in terms of childbirth, it is far more medicalised over there (I believe that midwives and home births are illegal in some States for example).

Try to keep an open mind. These people are experts in this, unlike you!

BertrandRussell · 09/09/2015 21:36

Yeah, yeah fine. Your're too cool for school.

Just do your own thing. You know best. Who needs support or advice or friends or help? And your baby won't need any friends to play with either. You'll never need anyone to have a cup of coffee with, or to watch your baby when you go to the loo or to go swimming with, or to reassure you that you baby's putting on weight properly or to give you advice if he isn't............

NicoleWatterson · 09/09/2015 21:36

I didn't see a health visitor (they never came or rang, I didn't have a contact or know where to go) and I didn't do any classes, they didn't have space in anti natal and I didn't like the ones after.

Thelushinthepub · 09/09/2015 21:38

I also meant to say it's really unusual for you to be thinking about this before you're even ttc? I can't think why a couple of HV visits to check over your baby would be bothering you at this stage

captainproton · 09/09/2015 21:40

Be aware though that if you refuse to see the health visitor in the early days this might be noted down. I understand from my safeguarding training that refusal to interact with health professionals is one of the things they look out for. I believe in the wake of baby P, and the fact babies under one are more likely to be abused than any other age group.

Of course no one is saying this is you but please be aware.

I don't know what family and friends you have locally but I found my HV team very supportive when my baby was sick in the early weeks. They are there to help not hinder. Some are better than others I grant you, perhaps it would be best to just let them in and have done with it. They don't stay long and are very busy.

RachelZoe · 09/09/2015 21:43

People go to antenatal classes all over the world Hmm

Why blanket refuse all of it before you're even pregnant? You have no idea how you'll feel when it happens. All very well saying this when you have no concept of the reality. I didn't do a lot of groups or things but I was open minded about them. When you're at home alone with a new baby and fretting like everyone does you might change your mind about the HV and groups. You may well look back at this and cringe, quite a lot.

But you know...you're clearly so above it all...so cool and independent Hmm

captainproton · 09/09/2015 21:43

Oh and you will soon realise as a mum your life suddenly revolves around the baby. I didn't much enjoy a lot of baby groups, I flipping hate pushing swings, creative play and toddler groups but you do it so your children don't get bored, learn about the world, socialise and don't drive you insane.

onthematleavecountdown · 09/09/2015 21:43

The HV does weigh ins and developmental checks. They aren't here solely to check you out.

Groups and activists are great for children. I find them tedious but my ds loves them so I take him. How do you plan to socialise him, expose him to different people so he doesn't become clingy and awkward, expose him to germs Etc

You sound very selfish. It won't be all about you when your baby is here. You need to get over it and do what is best whether or not you will enjoy it.

onthematleavecountdown · 09/09/2015 21:46

thanks guys - it is reassuring to know i'm not the only one who doesn't find these things appealing!

Doesn't matter if you don't find them appealing. It's about your child now.

ElizabethG81 · 09/09/2015 21:46

I think whether or not antenatal classes will be useful to you depends on your own experience/background. I've been surrounded by babies all my life and found the class I went to useless, yet I have a couple of friends who got some useful information as they'd never really had much to do with pregnancy/babies before.

YANBU at all to dodge the postnatal "mummy and baby" classes. They're hell on earth.

I also understand why you'd want to give the health visitor a wide berth. I haven't yet had one midwife or health visitor who was on the same page. They constantly give you conflicting advice. Having said that, I wouldn't avoid/cancel any appointments they make as it doesn't look good. Just smile, nod, say "I'll try that", then send them on their way. Other than weigh-ins, you won't need to see the health visitor much anyway - I met mine once after the midwife care ended, then at the 8 month and 2 year checks.

goawayalready · 09/09/2015 21:47

a good health visitor is worth there weight in gold they can be immensely supportive helpful and kind

a bad one is a knicker full of prickles

meet yours and decide if you want to opt out or not

VegasIsBest · 09/09/2015 21:48

My health visitor saved my baby's life (not exaggerating!) by identifying a problem and getting him readmitted to hospital.

I wouldn't be so quick to write off health care professional who are there to help you and your baby.

Personally I also found NCT a great way to make new friends who were on maternity leave at the same time. A really nice group of professional women that I had loads of fun with.

Hoppipolar · 09/09/2015 21:49

Nobody has to go to classes. But the hv will have to come see you. They need to check you and the baby are ok. Not everyone feels comfortable asking for help and you have no idea how you'll feel. They schedule a time with you.

53rdAndBird · 09/09/2015 21:50

Also... look, I don't say this as any kind of criticism, but some women (myself included!) feel like we're being pushed into a kind of frustrating stupefying mummy identity the minute we think about having children. So we push back against it by making big declarations about how we aren't interested in getting involved in all this stuff about babies, ugh baby groups sound just horrendous, I can't imagine anything more awful than antenatal classes, I'm sure I'll be itching to get back to work after two days of mat leave, etc etc.

That was me pre-pregnancy. If it's you as well, then I would gently suggest you ease up a bit on planning ahead on how you'll feel about issues that don't yet directly affect you. I promise, you will not get recruited into a zombie army of mindless mothers with no other interests in life. Many of us are normal, interesting, ambitious and intelligent women, honestly! Including lots of those other women who would be at antenatal classes...

Thelushinthepub · 09/09/2015 21:57

Lol that was me too 53! Now I'm a regular at the children's centre. , I got a hold of myself and found the other mums generally sweet and friendly, and what's more important is DD LOVES the classes. So many toys she activities. The people who run the groups know LOADS about brain development etc. you may think you know lots from forums and books and nct but you don't, and Youllbe surprised the simple things no one ever mentions

HorseyCool · 09/09/2015 22:05

I didn't do NCT but actually I got an awful lot out of the NHS midwife lead one day ante natal class. Not to do with actual birth (I got that from a book) but caring for baby, tips or a contented baby and genuinely I still use and recall snippets daily three years on. I Really really recommend that one dayer

FrancesHaHa · 09/09/2015 22:11

I hated the idea of NCT classes (not to mention the cost), but found the NHS ones really useful. For one thing they are run by midwives, so can be honest about what will really happen when you give birth, what midwives are likely to do during labour etc. Also, they had more time to answer questions than at the midwife appointments, which were pretty much a very quick check up. There was no socialising, or tea at the class, but I found some quite valuable information.

blibblobblub · 09/09/2015 22:20

I didn't do NCT or any antenatal classes.

My HV, luckily, is lovely. She's only been to our house twice and I've seen her once at weigh-in clinic. Her visits have been as much to check that I'm ok as to check on the baby. I know a lot of HVs get a bit of a bad rep if they're stuck in the past, but honestly, I think it's an amazing service to have access to.

Oh, and re baby groups - I've been to a couple - one was ok, made small talk, was a good excuse to get out the house. The other is full of people who are very similar to me and I really look forward to it. I've always been shit at putting myself "out there" and socialising but I've found I have to now or I'd go mad. Don't write off all groups as being the same - some will be cliquey and awful, sure, but others you might find your people!

janethegirl2 · 09/09/2015 22:22

One HV was great, the other a waste of time.

You can weigh your baby at home if you have scales with a suitable range.

I tended to avoid HV in general, midwives were great, and saw the GP for any issues.

Never took dcs to group vaccination sessions but had them done individually by either nurse or GP at the local practice.

Ultimately it's your choice and don't get pushed into the 'easy' slot by HCPs.

Welshmaenad · 09/09/2015 22:25

I didn't do antenatal or nct classes. I didn't like baby groups. I did go to monthly meetings with dd who was a very poorly neonate and in nicu for a month, they were organised and run by nicu nurses, I didn't really 'socialise' but went for the specific talks and info specific to nicu babies.

Didn't see much of my HV with either baby, with ds the HV cane a few times after midwife handover so she could bring students to meet me - I was the only mum on her books who was breastfeeding and using cloth. Didn't go to baby clinic. Only had him weighed at jabs-does it matter whatvtheyvweughed? I never felt the need to know. Dd was weighed at appointments at the hospital with the neonatologist.

I basically did my own thing, no groups, minimal HV involvement even though they were perfectly nice. Suited me, so if it suits you, crack on!

UnderTheF1oorboards · 09/09/2015 22:26

Classes; go or don't go. Whatever.

Another one here whose HV saved my baby's life. Twice. I was so exhausted and distressed after his birth that I started hallucinating that there were 3 of him when we got home. I didn't know he wasn't feeding enough. He was very close to death when she got him readmitted to hospital and he stayed for over a week.

I didn't know what level of jaundice was ok to ride out and when it needed medical attention. The HV did.

I did ante-natal classes. I read the sites. I have lots of family support. I'm a post-grad qualified professional.

I didn't know shit when it came to looking after a newborn who had been discharged from hospital with a clean bill of health but got very sick very quickly.

But of course you've already decided your baby will be fine...

WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere · 09/09/2015 22:27

Good to see you've made these decisions before you've even got pregnant.

Babies don't follow books. They tend to do their own thing.

MaxieMouse · 09/09/2015 22:39

How about waiting until you actually have a baby and then decide whether you want to go to baby groups or not? There are plenty of other baby related things to plan in advance, that actually matter, if you need to plan something.