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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to go to any classes/groups and to avoid the HV?

174 replies

pinwheel · 09/09/2015 21:12

DH and I are planning to start a family...but I hate the idea of antenatal groups or classes or, tbh, anything with the word 'group' in the title; I don't want the HV popping in either so would be opting out of that quicksharp. I'm not really antisocial in the rest of my life, honest, but this stuff just has no appeal whatsoever... AIBU to hope I can get away with this approach??

OP posts:
RooibosTeaAgain · 10/09/2015 08:08

You are lucky to see a HV here. They never drop in, apart from visiting first time post birth if had a section. They have stopped the baby clinic in the very large village ( secondary school and 2 large primaries here) and have to drive to next one and can only go once a month as all it is on. Oh and unlikely to have same HV as "allocated". Apart from attending the few checks at certain times ( eg 4m, 1yr,2yr) never get to see one!

My baby died. My toddler struggled with this so I asked HV for help. Had one visit and told too busy! So if you do not want to waste HV time then other people would be thrilled to have access to a professional - as believe me when you really need it and do not have it then it is a different story.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/09/2015 08:12

So sorry to read that, Rooibos, that sounds terrible treatment from the HV service :( Sorry for your loss Thanks

LoveChickens · 10/09/2015 08:16

Just don't bother having one.

5Foot5 · 10/09/2015 08:26

When I had mine I attended the antenatal classes because:
a) I thought I had to
b) I was nervous and felt I might need all the advice I could get!

In fact in my case I think it was a Good Thing and I was pleasantly surprised. It wasn't an expensive NCT one it was just the one organized by the NHS.

We were all first time mothers and, whether by accident or design, the majority of us were all of a similar age and background and all working - although some opted not to go back to work afterwards.

The most useful part really was not so much what we did in the group but the fact that 8 or 9 of us really hit it off and decided to keep in touch after the birth. From a few weeks afterwards we fell in to an arrangement where we met up at each others houses for one afternoon a week. It was still going on several months later when I returned to work.

Don't underestimate the benefit of having a group of other friends with babies of a similar age. It is a fantastic support group and might also be one of the few opportunities you have to get out during the day and meet other adults.

RooibosTeaAgain · 10/09/2015 08:38

Thanks thumb - I just wanted to share the other side. If you do not want to use HV time, great - more for those who have needs, concerns or children with problems who need the time and cannot get it. Also not every child is born healthy and if OP's baby has health needs she may have a different view to seeing qualified NHS professionals who offer support without charge.

there is no obligation to use much of NHS maternity services either - can have private midwife and home birth also if want. Or can refuse extra midwife appointments if they offer them - but I imagine if a midwife offered an extra scan or check up due to concerns then perhaps pregnant people take them? if take those I see no difference between seeing NHS professionals post birth either.

Radegund · 10/09/2015 08:39

So sorry for your loss Rooibos Flowers

I don't think there's much risk of being strongarmed into Baby Sensory or Sing and Sign against your will. But for me the initial HV visits did have a value-to check my stitches and be bombarded by the list of questions we'd built up before every visit if for nothing else...

Mintyy · 10/09/2015 08:48

If you don't like the idea of living in a child-centric world for a couple of years, are you sure you actually want to have one? I fear you might find it horribly frustrating. There's no rule to say you have to you know!

mimimudpie · 10/09/2015 08:51

Op, many people on here say they have no friends with children or no experience with babies. I can see the appeal then, however the aren't my cup of tea. I have had 3 children and not seen the need for them. I decided that pre pregnancy too. I don't think it is at all naive if that is what you want to do then do it. Many areas don't even have antenatal classes anymore so far from essential.

KatieLatie · 10/09/2015 08:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Bunbaker · 10/09/2015 09:02

mimimudpie How did you manage to get the confidence on how to look after a baby? I just didn't have a clue (and no internet in those days).

Without ante natal classes, a midwife or health visitor I would have really struggled.

Stillunexpected · 10/09/2015 09:02

"Childcare thing"? Hmm I think the whole parenting "thing" may come as a shock to you.

Bunbaker · 10/09/2015 09:05

It sounds to me that the OP isn't ready for children yet.

I found the first few months of parenthood very boring and really missed the intellectual stimulation of talking to other adults. Because of DD's health difficulties going back to work was not an option.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 10/09/2015 09:12

To be honest you don't sound as though you really want to have a baby. So don't. It's not compulsory.

mimimudpie · 10/09/2015 09:14

We had looked after our friends babies. Dh and I were 23 when we had our first and a good percentage of our friends already had children. We were just used to them really. In rl that is the norm and I was really surprised when I first read on here theg were 30 year olds who had never changed nappies before their own!

BarbarianMum · 10/09/2015 09:15
InimitableJeeves · 10/09/2015 09:19

People managed perfectly well for centuries without these services that the government now decide we all must use.

No, they didn't. For centuries there were horrendous postnatal mortality rates, people routinely expected only a few of their children to make it past childhood, children were left with undetected serious conditions that were perfectly remediable. Sure, the fact that things have changed is due to a lot of services working together, not just the HV one, but everything contributes.

Bunbaker · 10/09/2015 09:26

"I was really surprised when I first read on here theg were 30 year olds who had never changed nappies before their own!"

Nearly everyone I know who has had children had never changed nappies before they had their own children. I had looked after my nephew and niece, but they were much older when DD was born so it had been several years since I had last looked after a baby. I didn't have DD until I was 41 so any of our friends who had children had had them many years before, and I had never looked after them.

SaucyJack · 10/09/2015 09:27

I did all the weighing clinics/HV thing with my first two.

It was nice to have somewhere to go to get out of the house, but in reality the usefulness of the service is vastly over-stated unless you have genuine issues that need specialised advice. My HV had a very non-committal "Whatever you think is best" approach.

I haven't bothered this time round. None of us have died as of yet.

ToastyFingers · 10/09/2015 09:31

That 'childcare thing' will take up virtually every minute of your spare time for many years, whenever you choose to go back to work.

I hated the antenatal classes, they were aimed at the lowest common denominator, and having actually seen a baby before they weren't much use.

The first few health visitor visits were handy, although the health visitor herself was useless (the one I have now is great, so they do exist!).

Do or don't go really, that's up to you, I find your attitude towards having a child quite concerning though, you still have to actively raise your children whether you work, stay at home, socialize or not.

mimimudpie · 10/09/2015 09:33

I had many of my friends babies sleep over. My sis in law (not actually married yet) is 19 and she takes my 3 overnight including the baby. She can't do it all the time because of work but I trust her completely. She is from a big family and my brother and her have her little siblings sleeping over whilst her mum is at work. It is just how it is so by the time you have 1 you know what it is like as you have been preparing for having babies your whole life. Dh is the same and he currently stays at home in day and works in evenings. He looks after our 3 and my friends baby on his own all the time.

80% of my friendship group have worked with children at some point. Most of your life is preparing to be a mum/dad.

mimimudpie · 10/09/2015 09:36

My mum was a bit like that though. She didn't have babies until she was 30. Never had any experience of them and still doesnt really get them now. She cant do totally natural things like sing, arts and crafts or swim. When she looks after them now (which is rare) she holds them like a bomb about to go off. Some people are just not into babies/children. I find it all very bizzare!

florentina1 · 10/09/2015 09:39

These things are in place for those who need them.

I never had any support with my 3, plus a husband who worked away a lot. I have a strong independent mind and hate groups.

But, and it is a very big but, I was lucky enough to have easy pregnancies and 3 healthy babies and no Pnd.

OhMrBadger · 10/09/2015 09:48

I think many posters who already have children will have read your OP with a wry smile: I admit I thought I knew exactly how to parent before I became one. Attending classes, groups, clinics is such a minuscule part of the whole process that it is shortsighted to fixate on these. Simply wait and see how you feel when, or if, you have a child.

Also, you say you are thinking about starting a family. What will you do if you struggle to conceive? Or suffer miscarriage? You might find that accepting help and support is invaluable then.

PatriciaHolm · 10/09/2015 10:20

"Most of your life is preparing to be a mum or dad"

No, for many people that's simply not the case. I don't have any friends who have worked professionally with babies/toddlers, and had had little interaction with small babies until I had my own at 31 and that's by no means unusual. If you go to university, focus on having a career, mix with similar people and don't happen to have siblings who have babies, it's entirely normal to have very little interaction with babies. My NCT group entirely consisted of women of the same age with little or no baby experience, and our teacher said this was the norm in her experience.

Just because it's the norm in your friendship group doesn't mean it's the norm for everyone, or even the majority of people. Nothing wrong with either approach, but you have to accept that many other people have different experiences to you, and might have a different viewpoint on things like support networks etc. OP definitely sounds as if she falls into the "holding a baby like an unexploded bomb" category rather than the "totally experienced and natural" category!

mimimudpie · 10/09/2015 10:25

I have been to university, and have always worked full time. Just because you are experienced with babies/children does not mean you have no aspirations Hmm