Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to go to any classes/groups and to avoid the HV?

174 replies

pinwheel · 09/09/2015 21:12

DH and I are planning to start a family...but I hate the idea of antenatal groups or classes or, tbh, anything with the word 'group' in the title; I don't want the HV popping in either so would be opting out of that quicksharp. I'm not really antisocial in the rest of my life, honest, but this stuff just has no appeal whatsoever... AIBU to hope I can get away with this approach??

OP posts:
Roomba · 10/09/2015 14:31

YANBU, it's not compulsory at all.

I went to baby groups with DS1 as I had few friends in the city I'd just moved to, certainly not with babies. I knew nothing about children and made a couple of good friends - I definitely got more out of them than DS did. He got a lot more from being at nursery later, babies don't need to socialise with other babies at such a young age. I only saw the HV for the first few weeks (DS was prem and jaundiced) then just for vaccinations. Never bothered with the weighing clinics etc. as he was clearly growing and developing fine.

With DS2, I didn't go to any baby groups at all. I don't enjoy them, I have friends with children and babies that we can socialise with, I was just too knackered to drag myself out for 9am to make uncomfortable conversation with strangers (I am an introvert much of the time, sorry) so I never bothered. DS2 is the most social, chatty, happy, friendly child I ever met and he gets on really well with the other kids now he is in nursery. I saw the HV once, she said she'd ring to make another appointment to come out again when he was a couple of weeks old, and that's the last I saw or heard of her! He's had all his vaccinations but they were done by a different team at the GPs. He is fine. If he wasn't I would make an appointment.

Sallystyle · 10/09/2015 14:56

I think I went to one antenatal class, just so I could have a tour of the delivery ward.

With my first three I did see my HV a lot. I had two wonderful ones who were amazing. I was 18 when I had my first and they picked up my depression on the first visit and when my son was ill it was them who got him rushed to a paediatrician and told the GP that it couldn't wait. They were my rock when I was in and out of hospital with him. I actually saw one of them the other month (my son is 16 now) and I got to thank her for what she did for us.

With my youngest two I saw an HV once. She wasn't very friendly, I didn't feel the need for her and I knew they were growing and developing as they should. Unlike my old HV's she didn't even make an effort to see me. I think I got a letter inviting me to clinic but she never came round after they birth like the first two did.

So HV's can be wonderful and they can be crap. If you don't need them then fine, but no point writing them off before you are even pregnant.

I don't like the whole group things and while I went to a few parent groups with my first I didn't bother with my second.

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 10/09/2015 15:01

I was about to post some long scredd, but my advice boils down to this: play it by ear.

You may or may not want support or need help. You may or may not have a good health visitor. You don't need to decide anything until there is actually a baby.

Caterina99 · 10/09/2015 15:12

Hahaha civilized countries like the US!! I'm in the US (Chicago area) and I have a 2 month old.

We went to birth classes. Not compulsory, but the hospital offered them. And judging by how far in advance you had to book and how many classes were on, they are v popular. I also go to baby groups, but it's for the social aspect for me. Staying at home with a newborn is dull!

We had to take the baby to the pediatricians to get checked. I was in hospital for several days with a c sec, but we had to make the appointment for the next morning on the day I was discharged or they wouldn't discharge ds. We took him in on day 5 and day 8 and then once a week for the first 6 weeks and now he gets a monthly check up as he's got a clean bill of health. Someone coming to the house instead would have been great!

AnMum · 10/09/2015 15:50

We had minimal contact with HV after both kids (didn't try to avoid them, they just don't come round that often). The contact we did have probably saved my eldest'a life by realising how badly he was feeding and how jaundiced he was. Turns out he was rapidly losing weight. These things might seem obvious but as exhausted new parents with no idea what babies skin colour are supposed to look like or how much they should be feeding, we hadn't realised he needed help.

JonSnowKnowsNowt · 10/09/2015 16:06

I think you are probably overestimating the HV's interest in you! Once you've been signed off shortly after coming home from hospital that's it, really. Round here, anyway.

If the thought of seeing an HV a couple of times, or meeting other people's babies is so horrific, maybe parenthood isn't your bag, yet anyway. Once you've got kids you have to give up a lot of control over what you'd prefer to be doing.

How much time you spend seeing health professionals is pretty dependent upon the health of your DC - no-one plans on having a DC with serious illness or disability, but when it happens, you just have to deal with it.

Ditto other people and their kids - your DC won't be a tiny baby forever and will become a child who has friends and wants to see them and make more.

If you're stressing at the thought of meeting an HV, or a few pregnant women, you might find the subsequent two decades a shock!

fishcake84 · 10/09/2015 16:06

I think the long and short of it is that YWNBU to not attend any classes or see the HV. Do what you want as long as you are happy and baby is healthy.

But YABU to write it all off before you've even got there.

Narp · 10/09/2015 16:15

I'm not sure how you know any of this ahead of time OP.

Keep an open mind

MiaowTheCat · 10/09/2015 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DisappointedOne · 10/09/2015 22:02

I didn't do the NHS antenatal classes. DD was delivered by forceps (and I had the spinal too). I've still never seen forceps.

Bunbaker · 10/09/2015 22:28

"Most of your life is preparing to be a mum/dad."

Have we gone back to the 1950s here?

"Some people are just not into babies/children. I find it all very bizzare"

What's so bizarre about not being into babies and children? I love DD to bits, but I am not interested in other people's children. Not everyone is maternal like you.

shiteforbrains · 10/09/2015 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mimimudpie · 11/09/2015 07:23

I do find it bizarre not being interested in babies related to you.

mimimudpie · 11/09/2015 07:29

I also might be biased my both sets of our parents say that to us 'that they love us but just don't like children'. Neither of us believe them tbh. I think both could take or leave having us exist. They aren't maternal either. I think that is why I make sure I associate with people who like their children, grandchildren and other children.

HellKitty · 11/09/2015 07:39

I didn't go to any classes so the birth was a bit of a shock. My HV was amazing though and helped me feel like I was doing a great job - something my then H and my brain didn't tell me. She also, eventually, picked up on PND. I did go to playgroups as I felt I needed to socialise and it was a relief talking about fears to other new mums. I expected it to be a bit showoffy and one upmanship but it was great - for me. I did go to one class when pregnant with DC2, it helped with my breathing and how to cope with pushing, I wished I'd gone to one with my first.

HamaTime · 11/09/2015 07:42

Another one whose HV saved the babies life. Not going the the HV because you don't like groups is like not going for a smear test because you don't enjoy sitting in waiting rooms for a few minute. HVs aren't to enjoy. It's complete bollocks that people have survived for millennia without a HV service. Only some people survived, the ones who died didn't. If you refuse to see a HV at all it will be flagged up.

I don't think anyone will give any fucks if you go to groups are not. loads of people don't. I'm an introvert who prefers reading to talking too but 'groups' were a lifesaver to escape the intensity on the one to one relationship with ds1. I needed to be able to sit somewhere with adult company while he played with someone who wasn't me. The baby sleeping peacefully while I catch up on my reading fantasy didn't really pan out for me.

shiteforbrains · 11/09/2015 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mimimudpie · 11/09/2015 07:55

That was to bunbaker on why I found it bizarre

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 11/09/2015 07:59

minimudpie I've never really had any babies related to me before having my own, just one second cousin. My brother died at 27 so no nieces or nephews, DH's sister has no children, I'm the youngest of the cousins and only one of them has had a child. First of my friends to have a baby.

birdsdestiny · 11/09/2015 07:59

Go to groups or don't, the health visitor will take five mins of your time, unless there is a problem and then as many posters have shown, they can be invaluable. I spent my first few weeks worrying about breastfeeding, getting very stressed about not being able to make a coffee in peace, no sleep, worrying about baby's health, etc etc. The health visitor took up exactly zero of my head space. I suspect you will find there are other things to worry about.

shiteforbrains · 11/09/2015 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mimimudpie · 11/09/2015 08:02

My comments about being bizarre were relating to my mum, dhs mum and my best friends mum all not liking their own relations (grandchildren). I do think it is very bizarre.

Loftslag · 11/09/2015 08:10

My baby was born prematurely and disabled. Once we were home from hospital, the HV was an absolute godsend, dealing with all my questions and anxieties, and making it clear I could always call her if I was worried about anything. When DD was in hospital for open heart surgery, a week-old baby was brought in in a terrible state with heart failure - because a clued-up HV had realised that something wasn't right. The parents had had no idea.
I found the NCT classes really helpful as I was totally ignorant of the mechanics of childbirth. Of course you can get the basics from books but it's not the same as being able to interrogate an expert with "what if"s! And, btw, I'm also someone who gets a bit irritated by slooowww explanations/reiterations.

My NCT group has drifted a bit since some of us went back to work, but it was lovely to have a reason to leave the house in the early weeks.

NerrSnerr · 11/09/2015 08:10

You don't have to do antenatal classes or groups that's up to you. I did both and found them really useful. The groups when my baby was tiny were great because she was a monster breast feeder so having a change of scenery was great as it was constant. I have used the h/v on and off. My baby has allergies so she has helped with that, advised about her bad skin, we have got her weighed regularly. It has been on my terms though, we have gone to her when we want help.

lurkinginthenorth · 11/09/2015 08:16

Coming into this late but to say 'trying for a family' and then saying you don't want to do this and that is fine BUT you will find you may very quickly change your mind when baby comes along!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not seeing your HV and not wanting to go to classes etc BUT you may find life as a SAHM or on maternity leave incredibly stressful and lonely so don't knock it on the head ENTIRELY!

Make a decision once your baby is here. Babies really do change our mindset and rule the roost so to speak!

Swipe left for the next trending thread