to not want to go to any classes/groups and to avoid the HV?

[pinwheel]

DH and I are planning to start a family...but I hate the idea of antenatal groups or classes or, tbh, anything with the word 'group' in the title; I don't want the HV popping in either so would be opting out of that quicksharp. I'm not really antisocial in the rest of my life, honest, but this stuff just has no appeal whatsoever... AIBU to hope I can get away with this approach??

As long as you know that the groups are for the benefit of the baby, not you...

I never found any of the groups and classes appealing either. In fact I think I was so in denial when pregnant I didn't even read a book, and I knew basically nothing about babies.
I didn't go to any ante natal classes, but in my area the midwife team made home visits after the birth for up to two weeks.
They checked I was feeding ok, showed me how to swaddle, had a look at my stitches to make sure I was healing ok (I couldn't look!) and most importantly saw that ds had jaundice (unnoticed by the hospital ). He had been yellow since birth!
They were an absolute godsend.
Never went to a baby group either just because it was held at an awkward time, and I did get pnd and felt very isolated. If you have friends with children already you may be fine, but when I first started meeting other parents, when ds was 2, it really helped to just be around people who were as knackered as me.
Yes, the idea of mummy friends etc is twee and icky, but reality may be very different to your preconceptions.
It's a bit like declaring that you will only use washable nappies when pregnant...

A chat with a midwife sounds like a great idea, I can then ask the questions that I have and dispense with the tedious elements :D

Do you mean ask birth/labour questions? If so I think you'd be very pushed to get that in your 10 minute antenatal appointment - I know here the MW was so busy she'd do all her checks, ask you the questions needed and off you go. If I did ask a question about some weird bodily change, she'd answer v quickly and that'd be it. I certainly couldn't have asked anything in detail.

I never went to antenatal classes or groups. I couldn't be bothered, and they were all arranged for weekdays, when I was in university. DD has turned out fine, and I certainly don't feel DD or I have suffered from not going for coffee once a month with a group of strangers where our only bond is that we all had sex at around the same time.

Women who don't do NCT or antenatal groups aren't automatically isolated, nor are they isolating their children. Oh, and we somehow manage to give birth fine too, despite not having been to a class about it.

I was very much like the OP, in that I don't really like 'formal' entertainment (enthusiastic group singing makes me die a little inside) and I get a bit prickly when I feel like I'm being criticised by people outside my inner circle.

I had DD and (once discharged from my MW which did take a bit longer as I'd had preeclampsia) my HV came once to weigh her, had a chat with me about support I had in the local area, watched me feed her, checked I was doing ok... Then left me alone. I took DD to clinic for weighing twice and we were fine just toddling along.

But. And this is a big but. I had three local friends who had babies at around the same time as me, my DM was retired and local, and my DSis had just graduated. So I didn't need those extra social aspects in order not to feel isolated. As a PP said, days are very long when you have a newborn and not having anyone to speak to can drive you a bit nuts.

I didn't bother with AN classes. I had signed up for a hypnobirthing course that started at 35 weeks but as my daughter was born at 34 weeks by section that went out the window!

I think health visitors are pointless in many cases and don't have a single friend who found them helpful. I decided that I'd let them visit me at home once do I wasn't on the radar as someone wholly avoiding the service. In fact the one I got was a student hv and was really nice. She said in terms " I can see there are no issues here so I won't need to visit again", which suited me just fine. I went to weighing clinics a few times as my baby had been growth restricted in the womb. I tried not to get hung up on it.

However I did want to do some classes - to get me out of the house and so my daughter could interact with other babies. I didn't do loads (2 a week) but that was just right. The rest of the time I was quite happy seeing friends who weren't at work for whatever reason and pottering about by myself. I like my own company and was quite happy wandering round the park with the baby or watching box sets at home.

You can do whatever the heck you want!

But...

I thought antenatal classes were alright. Tour of the maternity unit was good, midwife doing the class gave some good advice (including parking and tea trolley tips!).

Health visitor has also been useful. Mine don't pop in but regular visits, along with drop in clinics are in offer. Some HVs are nutters but some are great, and have had some top advice.

And baby groups are brill in my opinion! Half an hour of having you baby entertained without you having to think of what to do, get you out of the house, I've met some lovely girls to drink coffee&scoff cake with (and it's lovely seeing the babies grow up with their lite friends), plus some of the classes are a hoot. Yes, art for babies is wanky but it's amusing seeing them painting...

the HV service is a optional service that it is perfectly legal and acceptable to opt out of.

You will still be able to use the health services.

Nobody HAS to use it

"it helped with my breathing and how to cope with pushing"

This is something that you really can't do just by reading a book or watching YouTube. You need a midwife to tell you if you are doing it right.

There are many aspects of an ante natal class that you just can't get from books/internet - a tour of the labour suite, tips on hospital parking, which entrance of the hospital to use at night, seeing and feeling all the instruments that might be used during labour, etc.

You won't get this information from a quick 10 minute slot with the midwife. You don't have to interact with the other expectant mums, I didn't.

In fact the only piece of advice I would give to any expectant mum is to go to all the ante natal appointments and go to ante natal classes. They are far more useful than you think.

Never attended antenatal classed, and I have had 3 natural births. First I did have a little gas and air so cheated a little.

I do think that there is a misconception that baby groups are full of middle class yummy mummies. None I have been to are, they're full of normal people who happen to have a baby. I have met some great friends, but for me the most helpful thing was it was great to break up the day, to somewhere it didn't matter if I flashed nipple or I leaked milk and find out whether everyone was experiencing the same things.

I would keep an open mind. For me this last year would have been majorly lonely if I hadn't gone to groups.

OP. You are not pregnant.

Get pregnant. See how that feels. See if you need some support.

Get to the final trimester. Lot labour become a reality. See if there are complications. See if you need some support.

Have the baby. Let childbirth become a reality. See if there are complications. See if you need some support.

Feed your baby. See if there are any complications. See if you need some support.

Now is not the moment to need to make these decisions. You have neither the context, nor the experiences, nor the reason to make these calls. All you have is intention. Intention without real life experience is not entirely useful all of the time.

Just because they don't do it in the US doesn't mean it has no value. As I understand it, they have terrible child abuse and child murder rates in the US compared to here. The US doesn't have the NHS, doesn't mean we don't want or need it.

You don't need to go to any clubs or groups, but you need to get over yourself and see the HV once or twice. She'll come and do a heel prick test and make sure you and baby are ok, and then she'll bugger off and you don't have to see her again. They don't invite themselves round for impromptu tea and cake every 5 minutes you know! It's 10 minutes of your life being polite and talking about your baby, get over it.

OMG, I just realised you're not even pregnant yet! FFS

Don't want to see the HV? Good, you don't have to because you haven't got a baby!! Not even nearly!

Why are you even thinking about this? Go see a GP and talk about your anxiety issues (if in fact they are anxiety issues, and you're not just being a bit of a twat) before you think about getting pregnant. Sort your head out first.

I certainly don't feel DD or I have suffered from not going for coffee once a month with a group of strangers where our only bond is that we all had sex at around the same time

But how do you know that will be your only bond? I met a variety of people at antenatal classes, some of whom I didn't click with and some who have become best friends. Not because we had sex at the same time, but because we found we had lots of other things in common. They're just people, and like any other people you meet in any other setting they may become good friends and they may not.

I think health visitors are pointless in many cases and don't have a single friend that found them helpful
Health visitors do a lot more than the majority of women see. There are the routine visits yes but HV are heavily involved in child protection, supporting vulnerable parents, serious case reviews etc. If you're lucky enough to have adequate housing, be above the poverty line, have support from family and friends and not suffer from crippling pnd to the point that you can't recognise that you need help then great. But not everyone doesn't need their health visitor.

I think health visitors are pointless in many cases and don't have a single friend that found them helpful

Last time my HV was here she had to leave quickly because she had an urgent call from social services re a child. I'm sure that child found her services useful.

At one point I thought about training to be a hv, (as I'm a children's nurse). But reading mn totally put me off the idea as most people seem to find them pointless. And I have had some useless ones myself so I understand that but I have also seen some fabulous ones. I think the trouble is a lot of the older ones have outdated advice.

Some of my friends have recently qualified as hv and I wonder if they feel demoralised. I know I would.

whatthejeff I'm planning to train as a hv when youngest dc starts school. I know that some people find them pointless, and one of mine was, but I've been an A&E nurse for 10 years and had two dcs of my own (both totally different experiences) so I hope I can be useful to someone.

It is of course up to you whether you do groups/see the HV but I personally found both things useful.

The HV has never 'popped in' she made an appointment to come when DS was about 3 or 4 weeks old which I found good as she signed us up to a service where you get an automatic letter/appointment for vaccinations so you don't need to remember to make them (you can change the appointment if not convenient) plus information on loads of local groups/activities. They made another appointment to do the 9-12 month check. Nothing in between but I saw them when I got DS weighed at clinic.

I went to quite a few groups on a regular basis (mixture of 'organised' stuff like boom ting and more informal groups in church halls). I found these a life saver tbh. I live rurally so unless we went out, we would see literally nobody all day! They gave us somewhere to go and something to do.

I don't do groups anymore as I'm now back at work but long days at home with a baby can be very isolating so you might find you want to get out and about to things.

Much of the disagreement here seems to be down to a mixture of personality and family experience/background. For an introvert, ante natal classes, prodding medical professionals and baby classes are a nightmare. If you've got a lot of experience with babies and pregnancy then you also don't really need someone showing you how to change a nappy. On the other hand, if you're an extrovert, who needs the company of other people, and hasn't got any experience with babies, then the classes and interaction with others is probably a good idea.

As usual, the extrovert voices tend to overpower and it becomes compulsory to "get out and about" and "make new friends" in order to avoid you almost certainly getting post natal depression and your baby starving/dying/being deprived of that all important interaction with other newborns.

You don't need to be an extrovert to go to ante-natal classes. They were very useful for me. The parents to be at the ones I went to didn't interact much with each other.

Hmm. I'm an introvert, not really interested in being sociable or making new friends. However I liked going to various baby classes (not playgroups though, hated those) that I'd chosen. Things like baby sensory, baby massage and swimming. Interesting for me as an adult, and no need to interact with the other adults if I didn't want to, as you're busy getting on with the activity. Going to these sorts of things gave me a structure to the week, which I preferred.

I wasn't wild about the HV scheme, but the one who came to visit me was ok. It was useful to have the baby weighed and measured, but not necessary at all. After the home visits I went to the weighing drop ins a few times. None of the HV there ever interacted with me beyond the actual weighing. I stopped going to the drop ins once I was happy that my DS was roughly following a weight gain centile. I can't see the issue with allowing the initial home visit(s) then leaving it after that.

Didn't really do classes or groups and was back at work by the time HV turned up. She came once, saw DH was clearly fine and that was it. I think she had better things to do than monitor parents who clearly didn't need her help.