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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Coach leaving my son out of the team

256 replies

Mousybrown · 08/09/2015 18:09

I'm really not if I should say anything or not as I'm normally pretty easygoing about kids stuff but this has really got my back up.
my son has played for the same football team for the last 7 years, every training session and match, he is there no matter what the weather...even if he is just on the bench but following a text from the new coach ( who has just taken the team over)he has been left out of the squad for the first two matches of this coming season ( not even on the bench, he has been told not to come...unless he wants to each from the sidelines).......this would be fine (ish) was it not for the fact that the new coach has taken on severl new players over the summer, some who already play for other teams and theses 'new boys' have been included in the team in some capacity either as players or as subs.
My son is gutted ( he is 11) and he doesn't want to go at the weekend to watch with all the other boys asking him why he isn't playing or in the kit and I really want to tell the coach to shove it......I know he isn't their star player and they want to put a good team out but......the kids has been a loyal player for years and he has been overlooked for kids who are only just signed and I feel so sad for him.......so would I be unreasonable to speak to the coach or not??

OP posts:
EponasWildDaughter · 08/09/2015 18:11

Yes, i would speak to him. Say what you've said here, more or less. I know nothing about football, but this seems a shitty way to treat a child.

NellysKnickers · 08/09/2015 18:12

The coach sounds like a twat. Might be worth asking for a word, not unreasonable at all. But be prepared he may not be interested. Poor ds.

OneDay103 · 08/09/2015 18:14

Yanbu, your ds has showed commitment and dedication and should be recognized for that. Even if he isn't a great player, surely his coach should encourage him rather than just leave him on the sidelines. Definitely speak to him.

Hellocampers · 08/09/2015 18:17

Yes agree and feel bloody sorry for your ds. That's harsh op. Sounds like the coach is only interested in results and that's a bit harsh for 11 year olds.

However going forward am afraid it gets cut throat and my dss have been right there too.

travellinglighter · 08/09/2015 18:20

I'm afraid he sounds like a fairly common type of coach. I've met several and they treat schoolboy football like the premier league. He'll have targeted the new comers to get them to come and they will only stay if the team is successful.

My DS's coach is a lovely guy and gives every kid a chance even if it's only ten minutes at the end. I have met some horrible foul mouthed arseholes though.

JammyDodger1 · 08/09/2015 18:23

Disgusting behaviour by the coach, and bear in mind you've paid your subs just like everyone else, people like that give everyone who give up time and effort a bad name,

If this coach has taken on extra players over the summer, then he shouldn't have, he obviously has too many to start with, take it you play 9v9?

I am involved in a football club and if one of our coaches treated a player like that, well he wouldn't be there for long!

Complain to the Club, they will have a Welfare Officer and a group of Executive who oversee these things,

cuntycowfacemonkey · 08/09/2015 18:30

Sounds familiar you can mention it but I doubt it will make a difference Sad

Original poster
Mousybrown · 08/09/2015 18:35

I don't want to be one of 'those' mothers but it's feel like a really shitty thing to do and I'm not sure how best to word it without sounding like a pfb parent...which I def am not!! I am aware he's not amazing but I would have thought he would be in the squad somewhere above the new comers....just need to word it right. But thanks everyone.

OP posts:
UntilTheCowsComeHome · 08/09/2015 18:37

Agree with talking to your club's welfare officer. This is the sort of thing that they should be dealing with.

madmotherof2 · 08/09/2015 18:43

Oh I know this feeling! My DS is also 11, has played for the same team since he was 6. He's one of the original 6 And the team is now 2 teams of 10 ( so there's been lots of new players over the years). DS has been totally over looked over the last couple of years,he's not the best player but is very commited. He's been put into the weaker team as he can only make every other match as he spends every other week at his Dad's. It's not his fault but due to this his coach believes he doesn't deserve a place in the A team ( his words!). I actually find it sadder as the coaches son is one of my sons best friends. So whilst I don't expect special treatment he does know the whole situation.

I would email the coach OP

CocktailQueen · 08/09/2015 18:49

Oh, ouch. Coaches, ime, either want to win at all costs (play the best players all the time) or they're more info fair play (everyone has an equal turn, you lose some matches).

Most coaches will rewards players for loyalty and good behaviour and coming every week though.

Sounds harsh to drop your ds so suddenly.

I'd have a word with the coach first. Not sure if it's a welfare officer thing, yet. Have any other players been dropped too? Have there been any behaviour issues with your ds?

He's lucky he's got to the age of 11 before experiencing this, tbh Hmm but I do sympathise.

JammyDodger1 · 08/09/2015 18:51

Mousy you're not one of "those Mothers" at all, and you must say something, this is completely unacceptable, and the coach told you by text, chickens way out he sounds like a right idiot!

Please be assured the club will not look kindly on this kind of behaviour, or the league ds plays in,

I am thinking about a well worded email for you, someone will do better soon I hope but this stuff makes me cross!!

WeAllHaveWings · 08/09/2015 18:57

Ds moves into 11s next year and I'm dreading it, he lives and breathes footie but is an average player. Next year they merge 2 teams to one, as they don't have coaches for two teams at that level, and not everyone will get a place. Not sure what you can do if they have better players, but we will very likely be in the same situation next year.

jonicomelately · 08/09/2015 19:05

There is a special place in hell reserved for coaches like this. Children should be able to play sport for the fun of it but sadly lots of people are too keen to treat them like they are professional players.
I would speak to the Welfare Officer and possibly the Chair of the Club. You could speak to your local FA too. They may be able to advise. I think that I would seriously consider moving your ds to another team. I know this seems unfair but you are on a hiding to nothing with this man. My ds football coach always includes the weakest players, often to the detriment of the result but it's kids' football so that's how it should be. My ds both play another sport, and their coaches are a different kettle of fish altogether. It's a nightmare.

OneHandFlapping · 08/09/2015 19:06

This is how it is when they get to 11 a side, sadly. There is no such thing as club loyalty, only winning your league/the cup. The best thing to do is to find another local team which is a slightly lower standard, where your son can shine and be sure of a game. He may have to play his way in though, so may still have a term on the bench.

TenQuidProQuo · 08/09/2015 19:07

What type of league do they play? Is it a super competitive one or a friendly one? If the team mandate is to play the best team then the coach isn't necessarily being a twat.

I don't necessarily think the long term players should get preference over newer members. That wouldn't be right either.

However the coach picks his teams then he should let everyone know how he is doing it. He needs to be upfront.

BTW My eldest has always loved sports but has never, umm, had any talent excelled so I've experienced similar things happening with him. It's difficult with kids as you really want them to enjoy sports.

OP, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask the coach what he is planning to do with the team and whether you think your son has a place in it.

sandgrown · 08/09/2015 19:07

This happened to my DGS who turned up rain and shine for practices. It broke my heart to see him silently crying on the sidelines when they reached a cup final and he did not get on the pitch at all! The coach made sure his child always played though. A number of parents complained but nothing happened. DGS has left the team after 6 years which is sad because he loves his football

jonicomelately · 08/09/2015 19:07

I don't agree Onehandflapping that this is 'how it is' everywhere.

Lweji · 08/09/2015 19:11

Personally, I'd probably be looking for a less competitive team and one that focus more on developing the children and the team, not just winning games.

But, if he mainly enjoys playing but is not that good, maybe just take it as a sport and not a competition and just keep practicing.
If he was doing judo, for example, some kids would go to black belts while others will just enjoy training and the physical activity.

I do think that having a B team would be a good idea, to ensure that everyone plays, but not expected to get great results.

OurBlanche · 08/09/2015 19:14

Sadly, at 11, the competition ramps up and becomes more 'meaningful'. This means some 'win at all costs' style coaches get carried away with their competitive selves.

You could write to him, and to the club committee, and ask what their aim is for the team. If your son is simply not good enough could they have the guts to put that info out there so all the other motivated Not Wayne Rooney players out there can take their membership fees elsewhere. If they want an inclusive, fun club, could they get the coach to rethink his current strategey.

The FA will be happy to send them the relevant bumf should they need a reminder of what grassroots football is supposed to be about!

OneHandFlapping · 08/09/2015 19:16

You're right - I can only speak from my personal experience. My DSs changed teams several times for this and other reasons. Some of the are very competitive, and the patents are the worst. They forget its not premier league, and just little boys playing football.

One way if always ensuring your son gets a game is for you or your dh to become a coach Confused

Want2bSupermum · 08/09/2015 19:21

I would reply to the coach and tell him that he needs to speak to your son about this as it's not something you should be telling him. As the coach it is his job to reach out to the player and tell them face to face or over the phone. You are not there to do his dirty work.

I would be speaking to other parents to find a team where the coach is more inclusive.

jonicomelately · 08/09/2015 19:22

I completely agree with everything you say Onehandflapping As I've said we've been really lucky with our football coach but I have experience in another sport which is exactly how you describe. I wonder whether the sons of these coaches ever realise they are in the team by virtue of their dad being the coach?

BonnieF · 08/09/2015 19:24

Poor little lad, that must be hard for him to take.

In my experience kids teams often become more 'serious' and competitive when they get to 11. This can be driven by the coaches, but also the boys themselves. The boys who are good players will want to play together, they will want the team to be as strong as possible, they will want to compete hard and they will want to win.

Perhaps the answer is for OP's son to move to a team which is more social and inclusive and where he is much more likely to play.

Original poster
Mousybrown · 08/09/2015 19:25

It wasn't a mega competative team under the old manager, all the kids got a bit of time on the pitch even if it was 5 mins......I think we will perhaps have to have a rethink about hobbies, but thanks everyone, and I do appriciate he isn't the only one to face stuff like this

OP posts:
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