Coach leaving my son out of the team

[Mousybrown]

I'm really not if I should say anything or not as I'm normally pretty easygoing about kids stuff but this has really got my back up.
my son has played for the same football team for the last 7 years, every training session and match, he is there no matter what the weather...even if he is just on the bench but following a text from the new coach ( who has just taken the team over)he has been left out of the squad for the first two matches of this coming season ( not even on the bench, he has been told not to come...unless he wants to each from the sidelines).......this would be fine (ish) was it not for the fact that the new coach has taken on severl new players over the summer, some who already play for other teams and theses 'new boys' have been included in the team in some capacity either as players or as subs.
My son is gutted ( he is 11) and he doesn't want to go at the weekend to watch with all the other boys asking him why he isn't playing or in the kit and I really want to tell the coach to shove it......I know he isn't their star player and they want to put a good team out but......the kids has been a loyal player for years and he has been overlooked for kids who are only just signed and I feel so sad for him.......so would I be unreasonable to speak to the coach or not??

The coach is living out his premier league fantasy at the expense of reliable and loyal club members.

Why don't you find her another team where she can play sunday matches budgiegirl? Is she fine with the fact that she's never chosen to play? Sounds really crap to me

It's not at all crap, and she is genuinely fine with it. She still gets to play 2 hours of cricket at training on a Friday, and loves it. The coach is a lovely, genuine man who spends hours organising youth cricket, because he believes all children should have the opportunity to play sport. Which my daughter is doing, just not competitively. But he chooses a strong team for matches. If she wants to make the grade, she'll just have to work hard at it. In the meantime, she's enjoying herself.

Barbarianmum The OP's ds has played for the team for years. The new coach brought in extra players. If the squad is now much bigger than the team, that situation has been deliberately caused by this coach.

Barbarian - why take so many children then? If the team is full, then it's full. Surely if children are massively dedicated and go every single week then they're the team. The coach shouldn't take on a load of extra kids unless there are spaces.

And if there are too many children for one team, have two.

I really don't understand how people justify the shitty way children are treated in football. It wouldn't be accepted in anything else.

Choir? Oh - you've been in it for 7 years ever since you were 6 but now we've got some new choristers, we don't have a space for you any more. Oh wait - we'd like you to come to rehearsals but we just don't want you showing up to performances.

Drama club? Not only do you not get a part, you can't even help out backstage. Please stay home and we'll call you when we need you.

Orchestra? Thanks for being a stalwart of the first violin section. Unfortunately, we've found some other children who play a bit better than you do so we don't need you to come along to any performances. We'd like you to come to rehearsals though in case someone injures a finger or is on holiday and then you can stand in.

Oh - and be sure to ask your mum and/or dad to fork out for you to come every week, just in case we decide we do need you. Make sure your phone's charged!

The OP's ds has played for the team for years. The new coach brought in extra players. If the squad is now much bigger than the team, that situation has been deliberately caused by this coach.

I doubt very much that the coach has deliberately brought in new players. He was probably approached by children who wanted to join the club and told them they could join.

And if there are too many children for one team, have two.

That only works if there is a parent or two willing to step up and run the second team. There's usually plenty of parents willing to moan about how the club is run, but not so many who are willing to do something practical to help the situation.

What if your DD doesn't ever make the grade budgiegirl? Will that be about her not working hard enough?

joni - all we actually know is that there are some extra players. Maybe they approached him. Maybe their team folded as the manager was fed up of being criticised all the time maybe they only just found they liked football. Should they not be allowed to enjoy training and 'have a go' at getting in to the team, just because OP is sulking that her ds has missed a couple of games? Not very inclusive or welcoming is it?

Budgie - my dd is like that - loves cricket training, hates it when she gets picked to play for the team It's because at training, they are doing stuff the whole time - batting, bowling, catching, throwing, whatever, but, in a match, 90% of the time is generally spent either waiting to bat, or hanging around on a boundary on the off chance that one ball might arrive at some point during the evening. Boring. She'd be more than happy never to be picked, but they don't have enough players some weeks.

My ds coach is constantly asked if boys can join our team. In fact he was telling me as much on Saturday. He knows that soon we will need extra players as the teams get bigger but wants to leave it as long as possible before doing so as more players means more boys subbed, and in his words that Ian' t fair. He's also been told by the club's chairman that the club don't want to take subs from boys who are only ever going to watch from the sidelines as subs. Hence, we still have a very small squad.
It isn't hard to anticipate the problems caused by letting more boys join the team.

What if your DD doesn't ever make the grade budgiegirl? Will that be about her not working hard enough?

She probably never will make the grade, to be honest she doesn't have much natural ability. But I encourage her to just enjoy the cricket she is playing. She still has lots of fun. What's wrong with that? It's better than her walking away and not doing sport because she can't make the team.

Backforgood The OP is very clear that these new boys have joined from existing teams and I think it's unfair to describe her as 'sulking'

There's nothing wrong with that at all Budgie. Unless you're feeding her ambition to make the Sunday team when you and the coach don't think she ever will. Which is a bit cruel.

I'd be quite surprised if the op knows the full history of each boy that has joined the squad tbh. However, even if they have all played for other teams in the past, they are entitled to move, for whatever reason they may have, just as the OP's ds is entitled to move.

I think it's unfair to describe her as 'sulking'

Well, obvs we are all entitled to our opinion, but life is a bit like that - there are only so many players can play at once. Same for most sports. Same as in a drama group there are only so many roles. Or in an election to your school council there are only so many posts. We all get "rejected" at some point. It's quite likely that he is being rested while they see what the others can do and may get a game the week after - but we don't know that and are just speculating. There comes a point in life when there are more people who want the 'spot' than there are places available. You then decide if you are happy to take turns, or if you want to try your hand at another club doing the same sport, or if you want to try something different altogether, or not do anything. If it went on for a month then I'd have a chat with the coach and see what the plan was, then take it from there.

It makes me really sad to read about 11 year olds being left out of teams endlessly. Everyone has to deal with disappointment but 11 year old boys take their football so so seriously. The least he could do is have the whole squad there and swap them in for a bit. It's really pathetic of him to only select the star players at age 11. Those boys will have spent the whole week excited about the match and are desperate to take part.

I think the coach sounds like he might be defensive about his plans. I would try and speak to the person who oversees him about including them all. It's not hard. Give them all a shot surely. And especially those who have been so committed.

There's nothing wrong with that at all Budgie. Unless you're feeding her ambition to make the Sunday team when you and the coach don't think she ever will. Which is a bit cruel.

I agree, it would be cruel. That's why I encourage her to just have fun.

And I think that's the problem sometimes with football. If parents encouraged children to go to training to have fun, and making the team was a bonus, then maybe there wouldn't be so much angst when little Johnnie isn't picked this week. Sometimes it's the children who are upset, and I can understand that, but very often it's the parents who get the hump about it.

There are two sides to this coin budgie and I'm afraid I think some coaches need to put their own personal ambitions and desire to win to one side and remember that it's a kids game.

I agree joni

"And if there are too many children for one team, have two. "

Hollow laugh.

but 11 year old boys take their football so so seriously.

Exactly. They want to win and at this stage the leagues become competitive.. So the kids themselves will not take kindly to getting hammered weekend after weekend just so the 'triers' get their turn and aren't likely to think kindly to the kid with two left feet playing whilst better players kick their heels on the sideline, especially if they are subject to cricket score defeats all the time. The coach has a duty to all the kids to pick the best team he can.

op instead of complaining to the club or coach why not encourage him to practice his skills, give it hell for leather in training and win his place back on merit rather than through special pleading?

There are two sides to this coin budgie and I'm afraid I think some coaches need to put their own personal ambitions and desire to win to one side and remember that it's a kids game.

It's true that there are a few like that around, but the vast majority are just parents/volunteers trying to provide cheap or free sports opportunities for children.

However, in the leagues in which my DSs play, up until age 11 the leagues are non-competitive, with scores not being recorded. But from the age of 11 the leagues become competitive, with placings and league winners. There are 4 pools, and teams are moved up and down the pools according to their places from the previous season.

So I can certainly understand why a coach would want to enter a strong team. Not a 'win at all costs' mentality , but it makes sense to have a core of stronger players, and rotate the weaker players. And unfortunately there are occasionally players who just do not have the ability to play at a certain level. Against much stonger opposition it can, at best, be demoralising for a weak player , at worst, it can be dangerous as children get older and more physical.

It can be a difficult and thankless task for the coach to get the balance of competiveness and inclusion right. And, believe me, a coach can never please all the parents all the time.

I think it's a bit unfair that he has been left out but I don't see why new children can't join the team. Yes it's great that the OP's son has shown loyalty for so many years but a lot of children move around the country during childhood and have to join new teams etc but to miss out just because they are new whilst the less experienced players are kept on year after year.

Someone else made a great point earlier on, the brilliant players get bored and annoyed when the less experienced cock up all the time. I speak from bitter experience here as I never made the second X11 hockey team at school because I wasn't 'known' to the coach and got put in the social team where I ran around like a headless chicken trying to give us a decent chance of winning.

I think the situation the OP describes it not a case of a new child wanting to join a new team because they've moved to a new are, but rather a coach creaming off players from other teams in order to have a greater chance of winning in the future. Sadly existing players are no longer required in these circumstances. I think this is wrong.

I'll never agree with your viewpoint budgie that it's just a sad fact of life and that less able players should be sidelined. I also don't see how you could ever justify dropping a player from a football match because it's dangerous. I can see that argument would apply in rugby or cricket, but not in football.

I feel passionately that we are on the wrong path when it comes to children's sport in this country. It's all about winning these days and sport is becoming too serious too young. it should be about fun and development. The fact that it isn't is the reason why so many kids drop out of sport when they're 15/16. And for what it's worth, I've been very lucky with my ds. They are talented sportsmen. I'm speaking generally, rather than from any experience.

I am going to be the only one who says YABU!
By this age football is competitive, and is no longer about being fair, taking turns nicely or who has been there longest in the worst weather.
The coach may want to win, but I am also certain that the kids do too.
And as your son progresses through the club/league, this will only get even worse.
It is no longer about participation - it is about winning.
If your son cannot find the strength to go and support his team from the sideline if he is not playing, then he needs a good talking to. This is his TEAM - you don't stay at home crying if you haven't been picked, you get out there and cheer as loud as you can for them.
This transition happens in every team around this age - you son will either learn to cope with it or drop out, but the sport (and the coach) won't change from being competitive to be just about taking turns and being nice.

"I also don't see how you could ever justify dropping a player from a football match because it's dangerous."

My Dp does not pick some of his players against particular teams in the league because he knows that they will get targeted as the weaker link. They might easily get hurt. Or seriously upset. And he doesn't want to put them in that position- some of the other teams are horrible! He also does not pick particular players if he knows they are going to be badly beaten because they are not psychologically robust enough to deal with losing 12-0.

It really is more complicated than it looks from the touch line.

So there you have it OP - either you and your DS suck it up and you continue to pay subs week after week when he isn't going to play (no one's addressed my point that no other amateur 'fun' activity for kids works like this); you tell him that he just needs to try a bit harder if he wants to play; or (and this is what I'd do if I were you) you put two fingers up at the lot of them and find another sport for your DS to enjoy in his free time.

I hear people involved in kids' rugby are generally a lot twattish