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Original poster

Coach leaving my son out of the team

256 replies

Mousybrown · 08/09/2015 18:09

I'm really not if I should say anything or not as I'm normally pretty easygoing about kids stuff but this has really got my back up.
my son has played for the same football team for the last 7 years, every training session and match, he is there no matter what the weather...even if he is just on the bench but following a text from the new coach ( who has just taken the team over)he has been left out of the squad for the first two matches of this coming season ( not even on the bench, he has been told not to come...unless he wants to each from the sidelines).......this would be fine (ish) was it not for the fact that the new coach has taken on severl new players over the summer, some who already play for other teams and theses 'new boys' have been included in the team in some capacity either as players or as subs.
My son is gutted ( he is 11) and he doesn't want to go at the weekend to watch with all the other boys asking him why he isn't playing or in the kit and I really want to tell the coach to shove it......I know he isn't their star player and they want to put a good team out but......the kids has been a loyal player for years and he has been overlooked for kids who are only just signed and I feel so sad for him.......so would I be unreasonable to speak to the coach or not??

OP posts:
LyndaNotLinda · 09/09/2015 08:10

Can anyone explain to me why football suddenly becomes horribly competitive when children reach 11? Adults play in friendly leagues as far as I know. Why can't teenagers?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/09/2015 08:13

This man is a poor coach; I would look for a more inclusive football team.

Many such football coaches seem to think they are running a premier league team. Complain to the welfare officer and any coach organisation he is a part of.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 09/09/2015 08:13

See the reverse argument.
"My son has just changed teams because we moved, but the coach won't give him a chance because he always plays the same kids who have been there for years. My son never gets picked, even though he is better than some of the old crowd. He is so depressed he can't get a spot on his local team and isn't being given a chance to show what he can do."

MiddleAgedandConfused · 09/09/2015 08:16

LyndaNotLinda - because at this age everyone still thinks they have a shot at playing for united/city/county. Confused
By the time they have grown up a bit, most players have clocked it's not going to happen.

jonicomelately · 09/09/2015 08:16

It is no longer about participation - it is about winning

That is one of the most ridiculous things I've read on this thread. We are talking about 11 year old boys. It should still be about development and fun at this age. If you look at the game abroad and the academy system in the UK the focus is not on how good the boys and girls are at this age, but their development as players. Academies don't post their results for this reason. That's why the sight of stupid coaches and parents bellowing at kids who are essentially all trying their best, is pathetic. In my ds league I've seen the police called to resolve situations between parents. This is a world away from the football academy my ds2 attended where parents weren't allowed to utter a word while watching them play.
And Betrand I still don't believe football (a non contact sport) is dangerous. Coaches can use all the excuses they want to justify their decisions but I don't buy that one.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 09/09/2015 08:23

This is part of any sport - the coach has the final say and as a parent you have to live with the decision, even if it isn't what you want for your children.
My son was picked for a team but told he was third reserve - just for the subs. He trained all summer with the team, worked his butt off and then had to stand and watch as the other 20 boys went off on tour without him because there wasn't a slot. That took guts.
This is the nature of competitive sport - but there are no points for staying at home sulking. You just have to work harder to make sure you get picked next time.

budgiegirl · 09/09/2015 08:27

Can anyone explain to me why football suddenly becomes horribly competitive when children reach 11?

Because that's the age that the FA have decided leagues should be competitive rather than friendly. That's not down to the coaches.

Anotherusername1 · 09/09/2015 08:28

Laughing hysterically at the idea that the child welfare officer will do anything...they are there in the same way that HR is there in a company - to protect the company, likewise, the child welfare officer is a box-ticking exercise to ensure the club is protected.

Someone may come on here and prove me wrong, but I can't believe that a child welfare officer would ever tell a coach to include someone in the team that he didn't want to. Even though you've paid the same sub as the players who are in the team every week.

We had a very bad experience with a football club and the child welfare officer was utterly useless. I later did child welfare training myself for a different sport and was even more horrified by how useless she had been.

As for the competitiveness, that starts earlier than 11 years old. Even when the leagues are not competitive, there can still be a win at all costs mentality. Clubs should be able to offer levels of team, so the really good players can play to win, and the kids who just want to have a kick-around can have a laugh. It shouldn't be difficult, but it seems to be, I guess because of natural competitiveness.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 09/09/2015 08:31

jonicomelately

Lullington · 09/09/2015 08:39

I have lots of experience in elite kids sport (admittedly not football). At 11 the most important factor is determination and commitment. It isn't until around 13 that true ability shows itself and everything starts to even out. It should be about fun until they really need to start training around 12 or 13.

Lullington · 09/09/2015 08:40

Yes its about winning. But any coach who overlooks commitment and grit at this age has a very short sighted attitude!

minionmadness · 09/09/2015 08:41

Sadly where we live this goes on at my ds's level (U8's) which is still non-competitive. There are some teams who have super competitive coaches and are brutal to players on their squads. They have no problems poaching players from other teams and dropping weaker players. At tournaments over the summer I witnessed coaches screaming at players, players pushing and shoving and one coach drag his son off the pitch when he went to punch another player who fairly tackled him. These children are 7 years old FFS.

My dts's play for the same team and fortunately their coach is a good bloke who gives the weaker players time on the pitch win lose or draw. He has a squad of 12 and we only play 5 a side at this age so he only takes 8 to every match but he makes sure everyone gets a turn.

Having said that it works the other way too, we only joined the team around a 8 months ago and had some hostility from the other parents when either of mine got picked over theirs.

Lullington · 09/09/2015 08:42

And to the boy who trained hard all summer then wasn't picked - yes that takes guts but I can promise you he will do that once maybe twice before becoming completely demoralised.

BertrandRussell · 09/09/2015 08:44

"And Betrand I still don't believe football (a non contact sport) is dangerous. Coaches can use all the excuses they want to justify their decisions but I don't buy that one."

You obviously didn't read my post. I mostly wasn't talking about physical damage. However, have also never seen what happens if an aggressive opponent "studs" someone as they tackle. Yes, one hopes the ref would see and intervene. But it's already happened by then. My dp and many other coaches (not all- some are bastards) pick their teams very carefully.bthey want to win- who doesn't?- but they also want to kids to have a good experience. Not to be hurt or upset. Not to feel they've let their team down. Not to be frightened- we have one player who freezes on the pitch if the opposition is too fierce for him. Not to be in a team that loses 15-0 and to deal with the ribbing at school the next day if they aren't robust enough
In many cases, it's more complicated than it looks from the touch line.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 09/09/2015 08:51

All over the country, every weekend there are thousands of kids who have not been picked that week for their team. That's how it works.
It is insane for the OP to believe that her son is a special case and that he should get to play every weekend. And to those posters who suggest she should have a go at the coach, pull her son from the team, and generally be a PITA, they are being equally unreasonable.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 09/09/2015 08:53

This is a "my son is a special snowflake" post.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/09/2015 08:58

It seems that, like show biz, football is utterly brutal with regards to dropping people who don't make the grade. It happens right the way up, even through professional ranks. It stings like hell but it's the nature of the beast

BertrandRussell · 09/09/2015 09:03

Would people expect everyone to have equal turns in an orchestra that was entering a music festival? Are people opposed to auditions for choirs and plays?

How about Maths? Should everyone have a go in those maths olympiad things my kids have never got withIn a million miles of?

TantrumsAndBalloons · 09/09/2015 09:08

You can speak to the coach. Who will no doubt explain either he now has a larger squad and needs to rotate players or that your ds is not at the required standard.
I've been involved in kids football since ds1 was 6, he is 17 now.

When he started, only the u7/8 were in a "friendly" league- from u9 you were in a competitive league with the results posted up online.

In my experience, there are 2 types of coaches.
There are the coaches who are inclusive and rotate everyone, no matter what. Ds2 started at a club like this, players were rotated every 12.5 minutes, no matter what. (He hated every minute of that)

Or you have the other extreme. Best team plays no matter what.

Different clubs suit different kids. The ones that want to have fun and just play and aren't worried too much about losing would suit a club with the same ethos and there are a lot of those clubs.

Kids that actually eat sleep and breathe football suit a more competitive club. Being at a competitive club motivated ds2 to train hard and earn his spot in the team.

LyndaNotLinda · 09/09/2015 09:12

Bertrand, that's precisely my point. If you've auditioned for an orchestra and have got a place and turn up for rehearsals and practice every week, you don't get dropped because a better violinist has moved into the area. They get told that the orchestra is full.

And similarly with amateur dramatics, while not everyone can have a part all the time, most amateur directors choose productions which can have big choruses or there are always lots of backstage roles to be filled.

The OP's kid isn't being told he can sit on the bench. He's being told to stay home. Why any parent would pay for other children to play is beyond me.

If the coach is going to change the rules (or they're being changed) once children reach a certain age, then that should be communicated to the parents and the children. It doesn't seem like it has been.

kylesmybaby · 09/09/2015 09:12

Totally agree with budgie girl and Middle Ages. Budgie your DP sounds like a wonderful coach.

Over the years DS has been subbed in his eyes unfairly but it's made him work harder for the next game. We've had parents March onto the pitch and demand and the coach plays their son.

One sure way of OP breaking down their relationship is going above his head and complain to the people above him. It really is something that's not done.

Ds13 has been involved in his team since U6. For years we had a team that lost most games and everyone got to play. It was utterly demoralising week after week. The parents and more importantly the boys didn't enjoy it.

Last season we got a new coach. he has now brought in some fantastic new players. We have now been promoted two seasons in a row and won the Cup Final. Having more players the boys know to even get selected to travel the game they must be at every training session, behave, help, reply to messages, pay subs on time. All stuff that helps him become more organised anyway.

We are heading now into the most exciting season we've ever had. We are going to have lots of boys not played or picked. The coach has spoke to them about this. Our team is about winning going forward and he will pick the best team fairly or not.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 09/09/2015 09:17

If the coach is going to change the rules (or they're being changed) once children reach a certain age, then that should be communicated to the parents and the children. It doesn't seem like it has been

To be fair most people in junior football know that the rules change at 11

MiddleAgedandConfused · 09/09/2015 09:20

And most people in junior football know that their son won't be picked for every match.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 09/09/2015 09:36

But they don't seem to though middle :)

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 09/09/2015 09:44

It all hinges on how these new kids have come into the team. A new coach will obviously do things differently, and that might be unsettling. But bringing in a load of new players with him to replace existing players isn't right. He's been brought in to coach the existing team, not mould it in his image.