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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell friend to report her OH's behaviour with their 4wk old baby?

254 replies

WilsonPoppy · 07/09/2015 23:04

I've name changed for this. I don't have kids yet so I need help to judge this one.

My friend just had a baby 4 weeks ago and was struggling with recovery from caesarian at first but now she is settled and really happy although she has tendencies to be quite stressed and a bit low.

BUT she told me in conversation today that her OH can be quite rough with the baby and last night they were both sitting on the sofa with baby laying down in the bouncer in front of him. My friend couldn't pick baby up from that awkward angle because of her caesarian scar so she asked OH to pick her up and pass her over. She said he picked her up by the scruff of her neck (her baby grow) with one hand and handed her over to her like that across the sofa.

She said she went mad with him and he said he was busy with his other hand (doing something to his foot). I told her that he needs to know he can't handle a baby like that and she totally agreed it was ridiculous and said the baby should be a priority over his ankle.

She told me he is quite rough with the baby and shakes her around a bit too much sometimes when he is changing her/winding her. She then said that he walks around with her in one hand and she doesn't like it. She's told him to use two hands but she saw him with her tucked under his arm like a rugby ball and he went to the toilet and did the toilet with her like that a couple of times and she went mad with him.

After I took all this in I said 'You need to talk to him about this very seriously, he can't do that, it's really disrespectful, it's child abuse' and she said 'he won't do it again, i've told him'. She thinks he is just a bit naive about babies and it's early days and he has zero common sense. He is a big drinker but she tells me he has been behaving himself lately. When he drinks he gets so drunk he doesn't even know who she is or where he lives.

The day they came home from hospital he was swinging her very high up (above his head) quite fast and I thought 'that's too high, too fast' for a 4 day old baby'. I didn't say anything then and maybe i should have. Her neck was supported and she was tiny in his big hands.

I can't ignore it and I'm going to tell her to speak to her health visitor / GP / doctor about it.

AIBU to tell her she has got to tell her health visitor what her OH is doing?

OP posts:

Hellocampers · 07/09/2015 23:15

Very hard to judge from
Your post to be honest. I think it's all about intent really.

MissFitt68 · 07/09/2015 23:17

It doesn't sound good though

Cornwalldoula · 07/09/2015 23:17

Call the NSPCC for advice. Being rough with a baby is not normal and his judgement sounds out of kilter. She should be prepared to be asked to take steps to ensure that her baby remains safe...

GreenPetal94 · 07/09/2015 23:22

Don't rush in. Nothing you have said is clearly abuse. The last thing she needs is social workers at her door when in fact it is just her husband trying to work out how to pick up the baby with one hand. Talking about reporting your own partner is serious stuff.

New parents don't necessarily pick up babies in the best of ways but they are resilient little things. She herself should just clearly suggest a better way to pick up the baby or point out any risk.

SolidGoldBrass · 07/09/2015 23:23

Some people think that tucking a baby under your arm is one of the safest ways to carry it as long as the head is supported. And going to the toilet while holding a baby is not remotely uncommon.
You do sound a bit officious and interfering.

AnyFucker · 07/09/2015 23:25

Err what ?

if this is true, handling a 4 week old baby by the "scruff of the neck" is very concerning

it's not a baby rabbit, ffs

I would be reporting this myself, officious busybody or not

HopeClearwater · 07/09/2015 23:28

Christ, you don't sound 'officious or interfering' at all, OP. You sound worried and rightly so. Why the hell is this guy so rough with a newborn? Most people err the other way if they're not used to a baby, precisely because they are not used to a baby! As a PP said, call the NSPCC for advice.

Forflipssake2 · 07/09/2015 23:29

SolidGoldBrass if you think holding a baby while going to the toilet is normal you are not!
Op you obviously feel that he isn't holding her appropriately. Talk to your friend again and make her realise how vulnerable her baby is and if you don't think she is listening to you ring social services.

fusspot66 · 07/09/2015 23:35

You're a great friend to her to be prepared to act on your concerns. This is definitely not good.

AnyFucker · 07/09/2015 23:36

in what world is it ok to even consider holding a neonate with one hand ?

fiddling with a foot, having a piss, passing the baby over by the scruff of the neck

no, no, no

you people minimising it...did you all treat your newborns like beanbags then ?

KanyeWestPresidentForLife · 07/09/2015 23:37

The scruff of the neck thing sounds pretty unpleasant. Going to the toilet holding a baby is pretty normal. Otherwise I don't think some mothers could wee for six months!

BrideOfWankenstein · 07/09/2015 23:38

Fucking hell. Tell her she needs to report him and kick him out. If she won't do it, report him yourself.

Mermaidhair · 07/09/2015 23:39

If this is true I am fucking horrified! Call social services now.

TheRealAmyLee · 07/09/2015 23:39

Trust me bad things can happen if babies are shaken. She needs to get help to make him realise how dangerous it is. I would suggest she speaks to a health visitor/midwife. She csn just say she is concerned her dh doesnt know how to handle the baby. They will support her.

KanyeWestPresidentForLife · 07/09/2015 23:39

I've also seen loads of Dad's do the one hand thing, like a little seat with their bum in their palm and their body against their arm.

TheRealAmyLee · 07/09/2015 23:40

If its all fine they will reassure her and if it isnt they shod be able to help him understand. It honestly could be either. Without seeing it Ive no idea.

KanyeWestPresidentForLife · 07/09/2015 23:41

And one arm, body on arm, bum in hand, head in crook of arm. Everybody holds newborns like that.

Thelushinthepub · 07/09/2015 23:42

You're going to speak to her HV/ GP about it? You're not though are you? How would that even happen? They don't talk to random mates - even if they did what would you then expect them to do?
I don't think you know as much about this situation as you seem to think. Anyway you can't "tell" her to do anything- she's not a dog. It sounds like she's had a rough time and needs a friendly ear.

DriverSurpriseMe · 07/09/2015 23:43

He sounds dangerous. He either doesn't have a clue about how to handle a baby gently and safely, or he DOES, and he doesn't give a shit.

What loving new father would handle a newborn baby roughly, pick up by the scruff of the neck, shake her, swing her high above his head?

It doesn't take much to shake a baby to death.

FattyNinjaOwl · 07/09/2015 23:44

Mist of that I would report myself, but I have had a wee with my baby in my arms numerous times. They can be quite clingy and when you don't want them screaming the house down in the middle of the night, needs must and all that.
The rest of it though sounds awful. Who picks a baby uo by the scruff of their neck?

AnyFucker · 07/09/2015 23:45

lush anybody can report a safeguarding issue...why would you even try and put someone off from doing such a thing if it was in the child's best interests ?

Thelushinthepub · 07/09/2015 23:45

Just re read and saw you're not going to talk to the HV you're going to "tell" her to. Yanbu to suggest it but you can't tell her to do anything

Thelushinthepub · 07/09/2015 23:47

Anybody can report a safeguarding issue to SS or the NSPCC. Anyone could try talking to my GP about me but they won't get anywhere. Which is what I thought originally OP was intending to do

PerspicaciaTick · 07/09/2015 23:47

TBH this sounds like something which could be resolved by a lesson in holding babies from the HV, which should be something you friend could arrange. I'm not sure that referring to SS would be my first port of call.

UterusUterusGhali · 07/09/2015 23:47

Good lord no.

If this is true report now. And tell her it's not on.

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