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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to tell friend to report her OH's behaviour with their 4wk old baby?

254 replies

WilsonPoppy · 07/09/2015 23:04

I've name changed for this. I don't have kids yet so I need help to judge this one.

My friend just had a baby 4 weeks ago and was struggling with recovery from caesarian at first but now she is settled and really happy although she has tendencies to be quite stressed and a bit low.

BUT she told me in conversation today that her OH can be quite rough with the baby and last night they were both sitting on the sofa with baby laying down in the bouncer in front of him. My friend couldn't pick baby up from that awkward angle because of her caesarian scar so she asked OH to pick her up and pass her over. She said he picked her up by the scruff of her neck (her baby grow) with one hand and handed her over to her like that across the sofa.

She said she went mad with him and he said he was busy with his other hand (doing something to his foot). I told her that he needs to know he can't handle a baby like that and she totally agreed it was ridiculous and said the baby should be a priority over his ankle.

She told me he is quite rough with the baby and shakes her around a bit too much sometimes when he is changing her/winding her. She then said that he walks around with her in one hand and she doesn't like it. She's told him to use two hands but she saw him with her tucked under his arm like a rugby ball and he went to the toilet and did the toilet with her like that a couple of times and she went mad with him.

After I took all this in I said 'You need to talk to him about this very seriously, he can't do that, it's really disrespectful, it's child abuse' and she said 'he won't do it again, i've told him'. She thinks he is just a bit naive about babies and it's early days and he has zero common sense. He is a big drinker but she tells me he has been behaving himself lately. When he drinks he gets so drunk he doesn't even know who she is or where he lives.

The day they came home from hospital he was swinging her very high up (above his head) quite fast and I thought 'that's too high, too fast' for a 4 day old baby'. I didn't say anything then and maybe i should have. Her neck was supported and she was tiny in his big hands.

I can't ignore it and I'm going to tell her to speak to her health visitor / GP / doctor about it.

AIBU to tell her she has got to tell her health visitor what her OH is doing?

OP posts:
Fatmomma99 · 07/09/2015 23:47

I feel I'm not going to be able to articulate this well, so I'm prob going to get flamed. Picking up by scruff of neck sounds terrible, but I wasn't there to see it.
Nothing else here sounds too bad to me.

My thought is that there is a trap that some mothers can fall into, which is because we carried and gave birth and (esp if we breast feed) we are the primary care-giver and as a consequence, we can be too controlling about how our OHs do their share and end up disempowering them. I was guilty of this. I spent to the most time with DD and thought I knew best and all things should be my way. So I was all "no, you don't hold her like this you hold her like that.
I do think you have to trust that our OHs will do things 'their' way and it won't be our way, but it will be from a place of love, and they deserve to be allowed to do it their way too.

I've seen sooooo many situations where new mums don't allow the dads "in" because they think they're doing it "wrong", so the dad ends up stepping back and it can damage their bonding with their child (at worst) and lead to mum (some way down the line) complaining that their OH does NO child care and leaves it all to them.

Prepared to be thoroughly told off for this, but I've seen it in RL over and over.

Sorry! Biscuit to myself, before anyone else does!

wickedlazy · 07/09/2015 23:47

This would really worry me. He could seriously hurt this child. Picking a 4 week old up by the scruff?!

When my friend had her dd (with her estranged bf) he wasn't supporting her neck properly when he was holding her, and she was a newborn. She tried to correct him and he went mental at her, he didn't need anyone telling him how to hold his own kid Hmm. Soon after she decided to not name him on birth certificate, and made sure he hasn't seen her since. Turns out it was the best thing she could have done (he ended up a complete deadbeat).

If he isn't taking in what your friend says about being careful, she needs to cut contact or report him.

AnyFucker · 07/09/2015 23:48

have two Biscuit fatmomma

you sound like a fucking handmaiden

Fatmomma99 · 07/09/2015 23:51

Thank you, Any

Original poster
WilsonPoppy · 07/09/2015 23:51

Yes it's the scruff of the neck thing that was frightening to hear.

Thanks I will call NSPCC for advice. My friend is also concerned and upset by it, telling me these things could have been a cry for help.

I don't mean to sound officious. I'm not judging, just needed help to know how to support her.

Sorry I didn't say I was going to tell her HV just that I was going to advise her to tell her HV. I think she needs support from them.

OP posts:
SilverNightFairy · 07/09/2015 23:52

Shaking a baby can severe consequences. My hackles are raised just reading this.

AnyFucker · 07/09/2015 23:53

Wilson, don't let these few bloody idiotic mimimisers put you off.

You were there and it sounds like you have assessed the situation calmly and fairly.

mellowheart · 07/09/2015 23:56

It's absolutely unacceptable to pick a baby up by the scruff of the neck. Even if it never actually harms the baby its symbolic of a total disregard for the child. Who know what he might do next. As someone said being unused to babies usually makes you the opposite way and would make you extra careful. I hope he is never left alone with this baby and your friend needs to be very very vigilant. Appalling behaviour but also very worrying IMO.

wickedlazy · 07/09/2015 23:56

Btw it's defo not a lack of common sense. My dp has no common sense (does stupid shit all the time) and he treated ds like he was made of china for the first few weeks because he was afraid of hurting him by mistake.

Is he still drinking himself into oblivion with a child that age at home? That's worrying too.

SilverNightFairy · 07/09/2015 23:57

Please remember this tiny little girl cannot speak for herself. I would rather err on the side of caution and be wrong than have a defenseless baby be hurt or killed.

Griphook · 07/09/2015 23:57

Do her a favour and report him.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 08/09/2015 00:00

Do you mean by the collar of her babygro rather than the actual skin of her neck yes? So her windpipe was pushed against the poppers?
He sounds like a thoughtless idiot rather than abusive. No real weighing up of injury to a relatively delicate human. Maybe the HV needs a chat with them about safe handling because the chucking in the air thing sounds like something men do with older babies.

DioneTheDiabolist · 08/09/2015 00:03

OP, I too think it was a cry for help from your friend.Sad I think she may need you to report this to her HV.

WorraLiberty · 08/09/2015 00:04

He sounds alarmingly unattached to be honest. Almost as though he sees the baby as a 'thing' rather than a tiny human being.

Verbena37 · 08/09/2015 00:10

Most new dads though, would be really over cautious when holding their few days old baby. Why risk holding them in a weird or dangerous position when you really don't have to.

To me, the DH sounds jealous. Also, the drinking thing sounds worrying. If he doesn't even know who his wife is when he drinks....that's a lot of drink and with a small baby in the house, I'm not sure this sounds that good.

I'm not saying we can judge without seeing how he acts but I agree about phoning or speaking to someone to get advice. Speak to your friend again and she her that he doesn't need to behave like this. But it really does sounds like he is jealous of the baby and being rough to make a statement/get attention/show off.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 08/09/2015 00:11

Yes, I agree with worra and AF.

If he really is picking up a newborn by the back of her babygrow, he needs to know not to. I don't have children either, wilson, but to me that sounds terrifying and I know every other childless person I've spoken to for more than five minutes would know that's wrong.

It's a tiny baby.

Original poster
WilsonPoppy · 08/09/2015 00:17

She said "scruff of her neck" but I don't think it was her actual skin, I think that the baby would have been in her babygrow so he grabbed the back collar to lift her over with his free hand.

I don't think there is intent to harm.

worraliberty I think you've hit the nail on the head. I think he is detached and is seeing the baby as a thing.

OP posts:
NobodyLivesHere · 08/09/2015 00:21

probably shouldn't mention picking up dc3 by the scruff as a baby often. i had major surgery when she was 2 weeks old and wasn't able to lean over etc and so it was that or leave her to cry. she survived. also, i often carried them under one arm whilst feeding them on the go.

colley · 08/09/2015 00:21

Ring the NSPCC for advice. They are really good at advising you.
When I started working with severely disabled children, I was shocked by how many were disabled as a result of their treatment as babies.
And I totally agree that if people have no experience of babies, they tend to be over careful.

multivac · 08/09/2015 00:22

"in what world is it ok to even consider holding a neonate with one hand"

In the world of multiple births. Obviously, you don't do it by the scruff of the neck - you use the kitten hold, scrunching the babygrow over the chest - but all this 'cradling it in one arm with the other holding the head' is not an option when you have two of 'em needing you all at once.

It's really hard to tell here, whether the mother is over-anxious, or the father under-educated, frankly.

AbbyCadabra · 08/09/2015 00:26

Picking a baby up by the scruff of her babygro - wouldn't that make the baby's head tip forward (heads are heavy) and pop open the babygro poppers? She could tip out of the babygro head first on to the floor.

(I used to frighten myself when dc were little by imagining horrible 'what if' scenarios. This may not be entirely normal.)

Fatmomma99 · 08/09/2015 00:27

Abby - I have imagined my DD's demise over and over and over! They started when I was pregnant and fell down the stairs!

NobodyLivesHere · 08/09/2015 00:31

I used to have vivid flashes of falling down the stairs holding them etc. but as i say, when i was in hospital with dc3 and couldn't move it was the only way to lift her and feed her without calling a nurse. she was normally in a vest rather than a babygro with poppers. but she was fine. its all about intent and context. its hard to tell from the OP. i was massively over protective when i had dc1 and had pnd.

TheIncomparableDejahThoris · 08/09/2015 00:37

I also come from the land of multiple births. I am a mistress of carrying two babies one-handed, but nothing like the OP describes.

OP and others, "intent" is pretty irrelevant, unless we're talking about sentencing in a criminal court. The severity of Shaken Baby Syndrome isn't affected by whether you meant it.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2015 00:41

Stop mimimising and excusing, people

Does developing an expert knack of juggling multiple babies sound remotely like what this bloke is doing ?

Only in handmaiden world, I guess

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