AIBU to tell friend to report her OH's behaviour with their 4wk old baby?

[WilsonPoppy]

I've name changed for this. I don't have kids yet so I need help to judge this one.

My friend just had a baby 4 weeks ago and was struggling with recovery from caesarian at first but now she is settled and really happy although she has tendencies to be quite stressed and a bit low.

BUT she told me in conversation today that her OH can be quite rough with the baby and last night they were both sitting on the sofa with baby laying down in the bouncer in front of him. My friend couldn't pick baby up from that awkward angle because of her caesarian scar so she asked OH to pick her up and pass her over. She said he picked her up by the scruff of her neck (her baby grow) with one hand and handed her over to her like that across the sofa.

She said she went mad with him and he said he was busy with his other hand (doing something to his foot). I told her that he needs to know he can't handle a baby like that and she totally agreed it was ridiculous and said the baby should be a priority over his ankle.

She told me he is quite rough with the baby and shakes her around a bit too much sometimes when he is changing her/winding her. She then said that he walks around with her in one hand and she doesn't like it. She's told him to use two hands but she saw him with her tucked under his arm like a rugby ball and he went to the toilet and did the toilet with her like that a couple of times and she went mad with him.

After I took all this in I said 'You need to talk to him about this very seriously, he can't do that, it's really disrespectful, it's child abuse' and she said 'he won't do it again, i've told him'. She thinks he is just a bit naive about babies and it's early days and he has zero common sense. He is a big drinker but she tells me he has been behaving himself lately. When he drinks he gets so drunk he doesn't even know who she is or where he lives.

The day they came home from hospital he was swinging her very high up (above his head) quite fast and I thought 'that's too high, too fast' for a 4 day old baby'. I didn't say anything then and maybe i should have. Her neck was supported and she was tiny in his big hands.

I can't ignore it and I'm going to tell her to speak to her health visitor / GP / doctor about it.

AIBU to tell her she has got to tell her health visitor what her OH is doing?

I think there are a lot of people getting carried away on this thread. The OP certainly seems capable and happy to do all the things advised/ demanded (call NSPCC, speak to HV) so not sure what the point of the constant demands for action are about.

There is also quite a lot of narrow mindedness- what do you expect the HV to do? Swop in and commandere the baby? I would expect a "thanks for letting us know we will come and visit for more details/ would your DH like to attend a baby class/ session/ we'll keep a closer eye on you" None of which sound dramatic enough for the braying pack on here but they do not mean nothing is happening. CP is about the long game.

And I completely understand why he would threaten to leave. He's humiliated. My first reaction would be to run away too. Just because yours wouldn't be doesn't Mean everyone is like you

No HV would EVER say that you over-reacted and wrong to phone the NSPCC for advice.

I have a deep fear that your friend is lying to you to push all of this to one side and to make you 'back off'.

Please, please phone the HV yourself and check.

You don't want a 'What If' situation to occur.

Whether the man is a child abuser (intentional) or not, he is putting the baby at immense risk and consider how you would feel WHEN the baby is harmed and you find out that your friend lied to you?

Sorry to be emotional but sometimes a need musts!

I know she has minimised it to the HV and other friends (not local friends) in an attempt to usurp anything I say. One of the friends she told about "what I did" is a health professional who I know and it doesn't ring true that she would dismiss it as an over reaction. I hope her telling people about my "massive over reaction" is working to send red flags to them. I don't care if they think I was wrong and I told her that yesterday.

I told a very trustworthy mutual friend everything on Tuesday and she took it v seriously and has raised concerns about his behaviour with me before. Mostly about his drinking and disrespect.

In a reaction to shutting me off, my friend immediately went to this same friend asking her to come round to see her because of "stress and drama this week" which is good because she can listen and hear it for herself or the minimised version she has given the HV. This friend's close friend is the senior HV. I have no doubt she has asked the senior HV for advice and has told her about it but of course she can't say that.

This means that all I know is that the hv's have the minimised version so I still have to tell my words to the HV and I absolutely will but it's sensitive timing because mutual friend said to leave it until she's spoken to our friend today.

I won't let anyone derail me from telling the HV exactly what my friend told me before saying she was exaggerating to me because she is frustrated with him.

I've been told by the trustworthy mutual friend not to worry anymore "it's in HV hands now" but of course I can't rest until I know they have my record. I wanted to give her a chance to be honest with the HV and get the support she needs but now that I know she is protecting him I have no choice other than to report it. I am sick about all this. I'll find out later what's been said today.

Thank you all so much for your support. It's very useful to see all perspectives.

I am sure you have made a big difference OP.
I dont think there is any more you can do and at least it is in the open now.