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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell friend to report her OH's behaviour with their 4wk old baby?

254 replies

WilsonPoppy · 07/09/2015 23:04

I've name changed for this. I don't have kids yet so I need help to judge this one.

My friend just had a baby 4 weeks ago and was struggling with recovery from caesarian at first but now she is settled and really happy although she has tendencies to be quite stressed and a bit low.

BUT she told me in conversation today that her OH can be quite rough with the baby and last night they were both sitting on the sofa with baby laying down in the bouncer in front of him. My friend couldn't pick baby up from that awkward angle because of her caesarian scar so she asked OH to pick her up and pass her over. She said he picked her up by the scruff of her neck (her baby grow) with one hand and handed her over to her like that across the sofa.

She said she went mad with him and he said he was busy with his other hand (doing something to his foot). I told her that he needs to know he can't handle a baby like that and she totally agreed it was ridiculous and said the baby should be a priority over his ankle.

She told me he is quite rough with the baby and shakes her around a bit too much sometimes when he is changing her/winding her. She then said that he walks around with her in one hand and she doesn't like it. She's told him to use two hands but she saw him with her tucked under his arm like a rugby ball and he went to the toilet and did the toilet with her like that a couple of times and she went mad with him.

After I took all this in I said 'You need to talk to him about this very seriously, he can't do that, it's really disrespectful, it's child abuse' and she said 'he won't do it again, i've told him'. She thinks he is just a bit naive about babies and it's early days and he has zero common sense. He is a big drinker but she tells me he has been behaving himself lately. When he drinks he gets so drunk he doesn't even know who she is or where he lives.

The day they came home from hospital he was swinging her very high up (above his head) quite fast and I thought 'that's too high, too fast' for a 4 day old baby'. I didn't say anything then and maybe i should have. Her neck was supported and she was tiny in his big hands.

I can't ignore it and I'm going to tell her to speak to her health visitor / GP / doctor about it.

AIBU to tell her she has got to tell her health visitor what her OH is doing?

OP posts:

CrystalButterfly · 08/09/2015 00:44

She needs to stand up to him and I mean properly. These things are not okay, especially throwing her around when she was 4days old, wtf he could seriously hurt her.

multivac · 08/09/2015 00:47

Am reading the OP again. Baby is in the bouncer in front of the sofa; is picked up by the father and handed to the mother with one hand. It's described as being grabbed 'by the scruff of the neck' - but actually, is it not more likely to be a kitten hold manoeuvre? Why would he reach round to the back?

I held my kids 'like rugby balls'.

I was also very paranoid when my babies were tiny.

wickedlazy · 08/09/2015 00:48

What's a handmaiden?

NanaNina · 08/09/2015 00:48

I am amazed at the way some posters are minimising this worrying situation. My hunch is that the OP's friend is only telling her half the story. Shaking a baby of that age is highly dangerous and can cause a bleed in the brain and brain damage or even death.

The scruff of the neck thing is also worrying - did he reach around the back and grab the back of the baby grow (they don't have collars by the way) as OP think he might have grabbed the collar, or did he grab the front of the babygrow - either way it's really worrying.

If I were you OP I would see your friend again and ask her if she's worried about anything else - the drinking is a worry also, and if he handles the baby like this when he's sober, how might he handle her when he's drunk. And you do not hold a 4 day old baby up in the air - ridiculous and dangerous.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 08/09/2015 00:50

Forgive me for still commenting.

But - this bloke doesn't have multiple babies, does he?

He has a partner with a recent C-section who cannot lift her own baby some of the time, and who is getting stressed and upset. Which, we can surely admit, is not unusual.

He could pick the baby up differently if he wanted to. The fact he doesn't is worrying and I don't blame the OP for feeling bothered by it all. I don't know what the right thing to do is, but I think we can agree this isn't good, right?

wickedlazy · 08/09/2015 00:52

Surely it's far more dangerous to pick baby up by by the front of the babygro, as head would tip back? Compared to head tipping forward so chin on chest which isn't good either but not just as fucking stupid

multivac · 08/09/2015 00:55

The kitten hold isn't "fucking stupid". Have you ever tried to breastfeed twins?

AnyFucker · 08/09/2015 00:59

This bloke isn't trying to bf twins. He has two free hands, is able bodied (presumably) and is not in possession of a cesarean scar

Any justifications or explanations made by other people who may have such situations applied are not relevant here

Iggly · 08/09/2015 06:27

I never picked up my four year old babies by the scruff of their neck. And they were big babies (8lb and 9lb plus)

And I wouldn't feel confident holding my first baby with one arm when I went for a week. I used a baby bouncer.

Have other posters missed the shaking things?

Ffs people.

Vixxfacee · 08/09/2015 06:52

I agree with af. No fucking wonder so many children are abused and treated badly for so long if people think being rough and picking up a newborn by scruff of its neck is ok! Genuinely shocked.

twojumpingbeans · 08/09/2015 07:00

Definitely report, it is NOT ok to handle a newborn in this way. Am also surprised at the minimising going on here. You need to tell someone and make it their responsibility to decide whether it's alright or not, that's their job, that's what they have trained for years to to. If it's just ignorance then they'll sort that out too - win win. Imagine if something does happen to the baby and you did nothing?

00100001 · 08/09/2015 07:03

erm, i'm more worried about this part " He is a big drinker but she tells me he has been behaving himself lately. When he drinks he gets so drunk he doesn't even know who she is or where he lives."

He won't give up the drinking if he's been drinking to excess like that before and one day he'll be pissed as a fart and hurt that baby. If he can't treat it well sober, what the FUCK will he be like drunk?

goblinhat · 08/09/2015 07:04

I would report.
Without hesitation.

FayKorgasm · 08/09/2015 07:06

Something about your tone of this man disturbs me. He appears to disregard the safety and wellbeing of a tiny baby in a dangerous way. In my unprofessional opinion now that he has had to curb his drinking he is looking to punish the cause of it,the new mother and baby. He is scaring her therefore ensuring he is not left in sole charge of the baby and if for whatever reason he is she will be anxious and panicky. He is not a good person.

Most of us are a bit green having our PFBs but no,this man,no its not right.

WanderingTrolley1 · 08/09/2015 07:07

"Scruff of the neck" really doesn't sound good.

I'd be concerned, too, OP.

sleepyelectricsheep · 08/09/2015 07:19

I wonder if he's secretly drinking. The recklessness of his actions could fit with being drunk.

Either way something is very wrong here.

TheIncomparableDejahThoris · 08/09/2015 07:24

multivac For fuxk's sake, cut out on the defensiveness. Mmmkay?

TheIncomparableDejahThoris · 08/09/2015 07:26

Does developing an expert knack of juggling multiple babies soundremotelylike what this bloke is doing ?

Absolutely fucking not.

Bunbaker · 08/09/2015 07:27

"also, i often carried them under one arm whilst feeding them on the go"

But the baby's head would have been supported and it would have been latched on as well. I know how strong a baby's latch is.

multivac · 08/09/2015 07:34

I don't think any of us, including the OP, knows what this father is doing. If the OP is concerned, then absolutely she is NBU to speak to a professional about it. This couple is four weeks into parenthood, and if nothing else it sound like they could do with some intervention to get them both on the same page when it comes to raising their child together.

Calling 'child abuse'; and even diagnosing a subconscious attempt to 'punish' his partner and their child because he's had to stop drinking and is "not a good person", on the other hand, seems just a tad U to me.

The one-handed hold issue is something of a side-alley - apologies. I responded to the 'in what universe' question when, as has been pointed out, my answer was not relevant to this situation.

00100001 · 08/09/2015 07:39

it's OK to hold a baby one handed. millions of adults do.

but it sounds like this man possibly isn't holding the baby properly, and the mum is concerned because of all the other behaviour.

Mistigri · 08/09/2015 07:39

It might be fine for an experienced mum of multiples to pick up babies with one hand, but anyone who thinks it is safe for an inexperienced parent who is a heavy drinker with no common sense to do the same thing needs their head examined. This situation sounds like an accident waiting to happen (intent is largely irrelevant).

FayKorgasm · 08/09/2015 07:42

I don't think it's subconscious multivac I think he is very aware of his actions. I stand by my opinion. You may call it unreasonable but I think being rough with an infant is a big bright flashing red flag.

00100001 · 08/09/2015 07:42

indeed

multivac · 08/09/2015 07:43

"You may call it unreasonable"

Thank you.

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