AIBU to tell friend to report her OH's behaviour with their 4wk old baby?

[WilsonPoppy]

I've name changed for this. I don't have kids yet so I need help to judge this one.

My friend just had a baby 4 weeks ago and was struggling with recovery from caesarian at first but now she is settled and really happy although she has tendencies to be quite stressed and a bit low.

BUT she told me in conversation today that her OH can be quite rough with the baby and last night they were both sitting on the sofa with baby laying down in the bouncer in front of him. My friend couldn't pick baby up from that awkward angle because of her caesarian scar so she asked OH to pick her up and pass her over. She said he picked her up by the scruff of her neck (her baby grow) with one hand and handed her over to her like that across the sofa.

She said she went mad with him and he said he was busy with his other hand (doing something to his foot). I told her that he needs to know he can't handle a baby like that and she totally agreed it was ridiculous and said the baby should be a priority over his ankle.

She told me he is quite rough with the baby and shakes her around a bit too much sometimes when he is changing her/winding her. She then said that he walks around with her in one hand and she doesn't like it. She's told him to use two hands but she saw him with her tucked under his arm like a rugby ball and he went to the toilet and did the toilet with her like that a couple of times and she went mad with him.

After I took all this in I said 'You need to talk to him about this very seriously, he can't do that, it's really disrespectful, it's child abuse' and she said 'he won't do it again, i've told him'. She thinks he is just a bit naive about babies and it's early days and he has zero common sense. He is a big drinker but she tells me he has been behaving himself lately. When he drinks he gets so drunk he doesn't even know who she is or where he lives.

The day they came home from hospital he was swinging her very high up (above his head) quite fast and I thought 'that's too high, too fast' for a 4 day old baby'. I didn't say anything then and maybe i should have. Her neck was supported and she was tiny in his big hands.

I can't ignore it and I'm going to tell her to speak to her health visitor / GP / doctor about it.

AIBU to tell her she has got to tell her health visitor what her OH is doing?

not sure why we are talking the finer points of babygros strangling tiny babies though

Because I feel compelled to keep plugging away with it, as my contribution to the Big Society. I have considered just throwing my hands up in the air and screaming "what the everlasting zombie fuck", but I'm not at the point of just hiding the thread and going up to cuddle my sleeping, safely-carried-throughout-their-infancy-because-I-gave-a-fuck-and-so-did-their-dad kids.

OP - YANBU. Thank God there are people like you out there.

Id be reporting myself if friend didn't do it. The safety of a child is paramount. Its chilling that your friend as a mother cannot grasp that concept.

Op, please know you have done the right thing. As a social worker, I have been in hospital with babies who were made blind and/or brain damaged from being shaken by a parent or care giver. Babies and children have no voice of their own and must rely on others to look after their welfare.

Well done OP. Please make a full disclosure to the NSPCC now yourself. Though your friend may wish to be forewarned that if her partner is deemed to be a risk by SS, and she isn't willing to ask him to leave and have supervised contact, that her baby could be placed into foster care. She should be prepared to potentially choose between her partner and her baby...

Did you go ahead today and report, op?

Hope you got a sympathetic and active response when you reported it, OP.

Sadly I imagine your friendship with this lady is over; it may be upsetting for now but you will have a clear conscience having done the right thing.

"I'm absolutely sure he won't do something like that again."

Yes, you need to report him. Personally, I would phone SS or get back in touch with the NSPCC.

Op you must report this to your local social services asap. This man's handling of his baby is extremely concerning and dangerous, as is your friend's failure to recognise that her baby's safety is at risk. Social services will undertake an assessment and determine the way forward to ensure the baby is safe and free from risk of harm. The safeguarding of children is everyone's concern. You are obviously concerned and it is the reporting of such concerns that contributes to protecting the most vulnerable - children and babies who have no way of protecting themselves.

Hi OP, how did the reporting go yesterday? I hope you're ok - it can feel difficult but at least you can be reassured that it was the right thing to do for that little baby.

The HV's know. My friend reported it herself.

I was texted by her this morn and told that I'd caused stress and upset and everyone she has told thinks I totally over-reacted. She said she told the HV everything so I don't need to be concerned anymore. HV agreed with her that I had taken things too far by phoning the NSPCC (for advice) and telling a new family what to do. The HV as "Obvs not happy with the way picked ** up but not concerned whatsoever because he has said he won't ever do it again".

I told someone else what she said yesterday who told a senior HV in same service.

My friend said I hope we can draw a line under this and invited me round for coffee. I just need to suck it up and be there for her and the baby.

He is angry about what I did and threatened to leave my friend because of it.

I know HV are onto it and it's in their hands now.

Sounds like a really positive outcome that your friend has invited you round for coffee and you've been able to be honest with her and with the HV.

Obviously as you've passed on your version yourself you can just smile and nod when she tells you how her version was reacted to.

Yes exactly, she is scared of losing face and she's wishing she had never told me. She is also scared of losing my friendship so I had to reassure her that I'm not going anywhere. HV will support her and be extra vigilant now and that is good.

Well done, you're a good friend, even if she doesn't recognise it right now

You have absolutely done the right thing- as has your friend by reporting it and seeking help.

The father is angry and threatening to leave because he knows he cannot bully a team of health care professionals into submission. I'd be very surprised at a HV taking 'he says he won't do it again ' as any kind of guarantee , or reason to drop all concerns.

It's not over-reacting. Anyone who has ever done any safeguarding training hears the desperate stories of children who died because nobody reacted strongly enough.

Poor baby having a binge drinking alcoholic as a father who loses the ability to know where he is when drunk. What a fabulous role model

He is angry about what I did and threatened to leave my friend because of it

This is so wrong on so many levels. But not unexpected, glad it's in hv's hands, even if hv seems like a daft bint, it's on the record now. I think this is why he's so angry, now she has a professional with clout she can confide in. The "big reveal", the scary part, is over. Reporting things like this for the first time is the biggest hurdle. For her to confide in you, makes me think this could have been really worrying her. Well done for giving her the push to speak to hv. For you both.

Also, what you did was ask a professional for advice which you told friend. Did he not think "oh shit nspcc said that might actually be dangerous, what if my girlfriend was right?" You didn't report yourself, your friend did the actual reporting. How much is she blaming you? Does he know she confided in you that she had spoken to him about it and he'd ignored her? That you told her what nspcc said? She could be more afraid of him than she's been letting on.

Are you absolutely sure she reported it? If her 'd'p threatened to leave her, is it possible that she's just telling you she did?

Are you sure she actually told the HV? Sounds like an extremely daft attitude by the HV to think you'd taken things too far and to be of the exact opinion as your friend.

At least you've separately told the HV yourself also.

Her partner sounds like an abusive twat.

To add, I sincerely doubt she told the HV anything. The reaction of the HV to how that man treats a newborn is just shocking, and pretty careless. Which makes me wonder if she's just lying about telling the HV.

From what you've said I'd be very doubtful that she's told the HV anything, rather than telling you she has to get you to back off the subject. "It's okay, I told the HV and conveniently she agrees with me about how serious it is and how unlikely it is to happen again!"

Sounds a lot more likely that she told her partner you were concerned enough to report it, he got angry with her and you but also agreed to handle the baby better in future, and now she's grabbing on to the hope of "he said he won't do it again so there's nothing to worry about."

But, honestly? Men who are genuinely concerned about their baby's welfare would be horrified to hear they might be hurting or endangering their baby. They wouldn't sulk or rage or threaten to leave about being called on it.

No she didn't tell the HV I'm afraid.

HV agreed with her that I had taken things too far by phoning the NSPCC (for advice)

HV as "Obvs not happy with the way picked up but not concerned whatsoever because he has said he won't ever do it again".

Serioulsy?

And He is angry about what I did and threatened to leave my friend because of it WTF!!!

OP, please PLEASE speak to her HV or SS yourself. I seriously doubt that she's said anything to the HV at all, but if she has, it will be a very different version of events from what she told you.

She's in a difficult relationship (huge understatement) and is minimising because she doesn't want there to be a problem. she hopes it will all just go away and her partner will turn into a wonderful father.

For the sake of her baby, you MUST speak to someone official yourself.

I very much doubt she's spoken to the HV. If she has, I bet she's minimised it hugely. I also doubt they know of the extent of his drinking. I cannot imagine any HV in the world saying you'd gone too far by ringing NSPCC for advice . Neither would they look at this situation and say 'nothing to see here, walk on! He said he wouldn't do it again.'

You need to report this to them in your own words, like you have here (which was very factual and unhysterical.)

Your friend is very much in thrall to this man - he's a heavy blackout drinker with a temper who is handling a tiny baby like its a rag doll. Huge red flags here. This will not end well.

Please report - directly and in your own words

I doubt she told the hv and I don't even think a hv would say that.

No one is going to say, you promise not to do it again? Oh alright then.