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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re DS and rent

305 replies

Weathergames · 07/09/2015 20:37

DS nearly 18. Against my wishes he has left college and got a full time job - fine.

I have told him he will have to pay his way as I will lose maintenance from his dad and child benefit. We have agreed a third of his wages. Today I told him he will have to put his mobile in his own name and pay it and yesterday I bought him a load of toiletries and to him that's the last lot I am buying.

Today he has asked to discuss money. His dad had agreed 1/3 was reasonable and has never wanted him living with him in his new wife's home as they have students and have never made DS feel particularly welcome - he does not get in with DSM as there are 1000s of rules and she's v controlling.

DS is now saying his dad has told him if I am going to "over charge" him then his dad has said he can go and live there for £25 a week - if this is true AIBU to be fucking furious?

OP posts:

LieselVonTwat · 09/09/2015 20:39

He isn't quite 18 yet cupcake, so still a child as opposed to an adult for a little while. That said, I don't think that's a particularly important point. OP could decide not to charge him rent until he's legally an adult, but that just means this conversation happening in a few weeks or whenever instead of now. The issues will still be the same.

Bakingaddict, while this isn't highly paid work, it's well over NMW. He's on ??6.99 an hour, and minimum wage for a 17 year old at the moment is ??3.89. He's on not far off double that.

Original poster

Weathergames · 09/09/2015 20:41

He is on 3.99 PH ATM as 17 but is a
18 in the next few days and will go up to 6.99 PH.

OP posts:

LieselVonTwat · 09/09/2015 20:42

Looks like the pound signs and question marks are still effed up!

Whocansay · 09/09/2015 20:51

Has DS come to any conclusions yet OP?

bakingaddict · 09/09/2015 21:03

Of course you're legally defined as an adult at 18 but it doesn't mean that you actually are

Nobody wants to infantilise grown adults but I still think having your first car and going on holiday with friends is an important right of passage for young people on the cusp of adulthood

Original poster

Weathergames · 09/09/2015 21:09

He could have had free driving lessons the last year but hasn't bothered.

OP posts:

LieselVonTwat · 09/09/2015 21:20

That is exactly what it means baking. I've nothing against wanting to cushion one's young adult DC from the real world for a bit, it's tough out there, but of course turning 18 means you're an adult.

00100001 · 09/09/2015 22:20

well when are you an adult, if not at 18???

overthemill · 09/09/2015 22:24

Quitelikely - you don't know how much his wages are so how can you judge? If the OP has worked out costs and knows that her son is now earning money and wants to be an adult her judgement is that 1/3 of his wages will make the correct contribution to her household costs. I used to pay my mum a 1/3 of my wages when I worked at school in holidays for any week I worked 5 days or more. It was ??10 in the mid 70s and I didn't begrudge a penny.

OP I suggest you call his bluff

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/09/2015 22:43

00100001
"well when are you an adult, if not at 18???"

According to MN it varies depending on the topic.

Original poster

Weathergames · 10/09/2015 00:01

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 10/09/2015 00:24

Wow OP, respect for you for patiently keeping trying to explain yourself to the few naysayers who are determined that you are the devil incarnate for teaching an adult son financial responsibility!

You are still being entirely reasonable and I think you are a great mum.

anklebitersmum · 10/09/2015 03:31

He looked a bit surprised as if he felt sure I would change my mind at the threat of him going to his dad's.....

Oh, I laughed

Weathergames you're a star.

toastyarmadillo · 10/09/2015 04:21

Just wanted to add YANBU! he chose to leave full time education, he has to accept the costs that come with the adult world and working full time. 1/3 is really fair as it reflects what he has actually earn as oppose to a set figure a month he may not have actually earn enough to even pay. No mobile phone, I wouldn't be including lunches on work days (I would ensure he had both cupboard space and a fridge shelf though, incase he chose to save funds doing a packed lunch) or doing his washing either (he could use washing machine etc but needs to take responsibility for actually doing it himself). It needs to reflect what life is like when your an adult and move out. At the end of the day, it won't be anywhere near what you recieved in CM and CB when he was in education but he needs to understand life costs. Don't pay your way in a rented flat you end up chucked out, somehow I doubt you would chuck him out .

If his DD will take him for less, let him go, I give it maximum 2 months and he will be back, don't be massively surprised if he changes his mind and wants to go back to college too in a few months, life is always greener on the other side, and he doesn't know how good he had it until it's gone!

toastyarmadillo · 10/09/2015 04:27

Oh one other thing, no loaning him money, once his wages are spent, drank, smoked, passed up the wall they are gone, welcome to the real world son. Seriously These are essential life lessons he has to learn. I went to uni with people that blew their grants within a month and whose parents spent the rest of term having to bail out, they still managed to socialise lots, but now many years on, they still can't make their wages cover their life style and bounce from loans to credit cards and back again.

00100001 · 10/09/2015 08:55

Only in MN would someone say that an 18 year old is not an adult

No, I shouldn't be trued as an adult, I'm only 18 and that's more of a transitional stage isn't it Judge? I mean his can I possibly be responsible for my own actions at such a young innocent age? I HAVEN'T EVEN GOT MY FIRST CAR! So all in all, I shouldn't have to be punished for this crime. As clearly because I'm mum's little cupcake, the law should be rewritten to make a legal adult as someone who is 18 or older, who has exited a woolly transition stage marked by some random "rite of passage". Only the will a person be considered and adult.

Wow, I hope when bakingaddict's (or any other PP who thinks the same,) child turns 18 they get denied any adult rights!! Then I think they'd be shouting about how they're an adult and have rights to x, y and z!

TheWernethWife · 10/09/2015 09:19

FFS - the OP is not sending him up chimneys, she is merely asking for money towards household expenses, absolutely correct in my opinion. I took 1/3 from my children when they started work, that was over 25 years ago.

Stormtreader · 10/09/2015 10:03

I do wonder if the posters saying "18 is just a number, hes still just a child!" will be saying the same if he was still living at his mums house, rent free, spending all his wages on drinking and partying when he is 21,22,23....

If he gets to be supported like a child for ever then where is the push to ever get more than a part-time job?

00100001 · 10/09/2015 10:25

no-one who thinks charging rent is unreasonable, likes to answer the question of when does financial support end

grapejuicerocks · 10/09/2015 10:47

So it's ok for the op to lose money and have to sub the ds. That's what the ex is suggesting, whilst he sits pretty, now making a saving every month as he's not paying maintenance for him.

Why doesn't ex give the ds the maintenance money that's he's saving every month so that he can save up for a deposit etc. in effect he wants the op to fund ds's savings, but won't do it himself.

DixieNormas · 10/09/2015 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

grapejuicerocks · 10/09/2015 11:24

Its simple.

The op needs more money to come into the house, covering the current shortfall.

Option1
Ds pays one third of his wages etc.

Option 2
She gets a student to pay for the room.

Ds gets to choose which option the op goes for.

BlackeyedSusan · 10/09/2015 11:35

My dad charged me board for christmas, easter and summer holidays when I was at uni, plus any extras. did not finish my relationship off with him at all. why would it? As an adult that cost money to house, feed, pay bils for, (paid own phone, though it was my part of the land line costs then) I needed to take responsibility and pay. I was lucky I did not get charged rent. living anywhere else would have meant paying rent. I learned to save in the good times and live on them in the lean times, such that the job centre were incredulous that I had enough saving to not be eligible for income based jsa. Learning to live with in my means has been a valuable life lesson that has stood me in good stead through bad times and good. shame they did not do such a good job with housework

Certainly did not finish my relationship with him. Why would it?

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 10/09/2015 12:48

Boney I am wondering whether any of the people saying 'he's still a child, how can you charge him rent', are the same ones who when an OP expresses concern about their teenage offspring's sex life say 'oh you can't tell them that the GF/BF has to sleep in a different room, at 16 they are nearly adults'.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 10/09/2015 16:24

I wonder which he will choose?

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