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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re DS and rent

305 replies

Weathergames · 07/09/2015 20:37

DS nearly 18. Against my wishes he has left college and got a full time job - fine.

I have told him he will have to pay his way as I will lose maintenance from his dad and child benefit. We have agreed a third of his wages. Today I told him he will have to put his mobile in his own name and pay it and yesterday I bought him a load of toiletries and to him that's the last lot I am buying.

Today he has asked to discuss money. His dad had agreed 1/3 was reasonable and has never wanted him living with him in his new wife's home as they have students and have never made DS feel particularly welcome - he does not get in with DSM as there are 1000s of rules and she's v controlling.

DS is now saying his dad has told him if I am going to "over charge" him then his dad has said he can go and live there for £25 a week - if this is true AIBU to be fucking furious?

OP posts:

BathtimeFunkster · 09/09/2015 17:22

Asking him to pay his way like an adult with a job isn't a punishment.

It's called good parenting to force an 18 year old who has just dropped out of school, and who has previous for thieving, to face the realities of the decisions they are making.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 09/09/2015 17:23

He isn't being punished, he's being treated like the adult he wants to be.

OctoberCupcake · 09/09/2015 17:27

Why do people keep referring to the OPs DS as a child? He's not a 9 year old she's sending up the nearest chimney, he's 18 years old, an Adult, and needs to learn about the real world!

My DM started charging rent when I dropped 3 of my A Levels in order to work 2 jobs. I believe it was about 1/3 which covered room & bills (not food). I moved out at 19 and have lived independently for the 13 years since; in fact I've lived 400 miles from family for 11 of those years. I don't own a house yet, but that's my own fault - I have travelled a lot & had a great time.

Meanwhile, friends of mine have been supported fully by their parents, lavished with holidays and 'pocket money' and now in their late 20s literally haven't got a CLUE how to manage their own lives, or have any concept of what it is to balance the bills & budget. That's a hell of a shock at 28.

I know which camp I'd rather be in, and which I'd rather my future DCs are in. YANBU OP.

Patchworkpatty · 09/09/2015 17:38

Cookie Wtaf ? You may be sitting on a plump financial cushion, sadly that is not the case for the OP. !! She has clearly stated that she needed child benefit and maintenance to make ends meet, not to build ds a trust fund for a rainy day. Honestly some people have no idea. If my ex stopped paying maintenance I would most definitely have a problem supporting dcs in the way they currently live. However, all that is meaningless as why the he'll shouldn't an ADULT who has chosen to go to work,why the hell shouldn't he pay his keep ! Or is she expected to bankroll him permanently whilst he spends his wages on weed. ?.

00100001 · 09/09/2015 17:47

"Cookie* at what point should the son have to contribute then if not now? Should OP be paying for her son's lifestyle when she's drawing a pension?? If she cannot afford to support an adult living under the same roof SHE CANT AFFORD IT.

And whyvthe fuck should she have to pay for him to live at hone when he's chosen to go out to work and is earning his own money??

00100001 · 09/09/2015 17:50

Maybe OP should set up a PayPal account for all these people who think she should pay for him.

If its really no bother, they won't mind paying, what? ??20 each? Every Friday?

I mean come on ... He just a kid....

Newlywed56 · 09/09/2015 17:52

Why are you making your son pay you to live in your house, something that 6 months ago was fine but now isn't? You would have lost your maintaince when he was 18 regardless if he was in college or not. It's not like he's lying in bed doing nothing he got himself a job, let him enjoy his money. He will have the rest of his life to pay bills

00100001 · 09/09/2015 17:52

A kid with a mother who beats him and sends him down t'mill at 6 am to work a 42 hour shift, and then feeds him scraps and stale water, and he has to sleep in the kitchen

00100001 · 09/09/2015 17:52

"Newly* feel free to take him in as a lodger, rent free!!!

UnbelievableBollocks · 09/09/2015 17:57

If you're not in education and working full time, you put your hand in your pocket and pay for your upkeep.

I'm amazed how many folks think this is unreasonable!

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 09/09/2015 17:58

Your mortgage would be the same regardless and if CB meant so much to the household then you are living beyond your means. It's not down to him to pay your mortgage, you chose the house and it's costs.

He's still a child in the eyes of the law and just starting out in the world of work. At least he didn't quit and just stay home all day.

You really sound like you resent his costs despite him being your child. If he moved out all you would save is a bit of food and the odd batch of clothes.

I agree children need to learn to become responsible adults but telling him CB and child support has stopped so he'll have to pay to live with you still seems very wrong. What if the government removed all CB, would you not feed the others?

Newlywed56 · 09/09/2015 17:58

001 doesn't even make sense. Why would you suggest some randomer takes him in Lol. Such a stupid comment I find it quite funny

Patchworkpatty · 09/09/2015 18:05

Newlywed you obviously have no idea how people on tight budgets live. I'll explain. Whilst a child is at home and in full time non advances education, a parent can receive child benefit until they leave that non university level course until the child is 20yrs old (if they are still on the course ) this means that they are also entitled to an amount for tax credits and if renting , an additional child amount of housing benefit. Regardless of maintenance, a young person who leaves full time education, creates a hole of at least ??20pw in the family income and more than likely, in the case of a rented home on low income, it's more like 70 per week. So yes, before he left college she could afford to support him. Now he has left he has cost her money she doesn't have. His decision to work, she is quite right in charging him. For some families it's simply not 'optional' but financial reality .

BathtimeFunkster · 09/09/2015 18:30

he got himself a job, let him enjoy his money.

I've got myself a job.

Who's going to let me enjoy my money?

Why am I being punished?

Libitina · 09/09/2015 18:38

I thought the 'rule of thumb' was 1/3 rent, 1/3 save and 1/3 spend?

budgiegirl · 09/09/2015 18:42

Those things are bloody irrelevant anyway - why the hell should he NOT contribute?

Exactly Weathergames. Of course he should. I can't believe what a hard time some people are giving you.

I think it's fine that he blew his first wages on a playstation - I expect most people have done something similar. But now it's time to be treated as the adult that he want to be. I would think that you are still charging him well under what it would cost him to move out.

Original poster

Weathergames · 09/09/2015 18:45

I don't actually want him to move out - I quite like him.....,

OP posts:

bakingaddict · 09/09/2015 19:36

I don't think turning 18 magically qualifies you as being an adult to me it's a transitory period when you can be a bit more carefree and enjoy life before being a proper adult with kids and a mortgage.

I do think making out that because you've lost CB and maintenance and so he has to make up the shortfall does come across as quite mercenary but I'm not in your shoes. I would charge my own children rent but I wouldn't take a 1/3rd especially when it's a nmw job as id still want them to have a bit of fun as a young single carefree adult

Original poster

Weathergames · 09/09/2015 19:40

He had fun as a carefree adult for the last year pretending to go to college whilst he just used the bus pass I paid for to go and hang out with his mates and spending his lunch money on crap

OP posts:

ssd · 09/09/2015 19:55

you said upthread you and him are close and you talk to him about everything so why dont you explain money to him then?

"Also had the cheek to quibble with me over how much it "costs" for him to live here (like he would know?) and said his dad doesn't give me that much - to which I replied that's irrelevant and none of his business "

you sound like you tell him on a need to know basis, as in what you want to tell him, not what he needs to know, and you're dressing it up as you doing him a favour

Original poster

Weathergames · 09/09/2015 20:05

In May his dad was urging me to kick him out because he was going through a bit of a "teenage rebellion" stage. Which I would never do.

His dad is a twat.

OP posts:

00100001 · 09/09/2015 20:13

"I don't think turning 18 magically qualifies you as being an adult"

Errr at 18 in you're definitely a legal adult. You might still actvlike a kid and hope tobstay at your mums rent free. But at 18 you're an adult and responsible for your actions.

00100001 · 09/09/2015 20:14

The day you turn 18 is the magical transformation.

Whether you're still an immature fit at this point has no bearing on your adult status

Whocansay · 09/09/2015 20:16

I think his dad is trying to cause a wedge between the 2 of you and is a shit stirring bastard!

OP, YANBU treating your son like an adult and making him pay is way. I don't understand some of the posts on here. Why try and infantilise an adult child?

Original poster

Weathergames · 09/09/2015 20:19

He is he missed DDs 16th bday this year and will miss DSs 18th because he's busy - so I get to take him for his first legal drink

OP posts:

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