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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re DS and rent

305 replies

Weathergames · 07/09/2015 20:37

DS nearly 18. Against my wishes he has left college and got a full time job - fine.

I have told him he will have to pay his way as I will lose maintenance from his dad and child benefit. We have agreed a third of his wages. Today I told him he will have to put his mobile in his own name and pay it and yesterday I bought him a load of toiletries and to him that's the last lot I am buying.

Today he has asked to discuss money. His dad had agreed 1/3 was reasonable and has never wanted him living with him in his new wife's home as they have students and have never made DS feel particularly welcome - he does not get in with DSM as there are 1000s of rules and she's v controlling.

DS is now saying his dad has told him if I am going to "over charge" him then his dad has said he can go and live there for £25 a week - if this is true AIBU to be fucking furious?

OP posts:
MrsJorahMormont · 08/09/2015 17:02

Sorry, just saw he is nearly 18. But in our house, as soon as you left education you became a worker. And a payer. It was a powerful incentive to stay on at school / go to uni :o

TheRadiantAerynSun · 08/09/2015 17:05

My parents always said that we could live at home for nothing as long as we were at college or university, but once you get a job you pay. And you pay what you're told and if you don't like it you're welcome to try finding something cheaper.

I paid ??300 a month out of a ??500 salary almost 20yrs ago...which seems pretty steep, but it was half of what it cost me to live when I moved out two years later (was earning plenty more, but paying the same.)

Several of my freind paid ??10-??20 a week, if that, and boy did they get a shock when it came time to leave home.

With DS I plan to charge what it costs to keep him up to a maximum % of his wages (no more than a 1/3) Hopefully I'll be in a postion to save it and give it to him when he moves out.

Original poster
Weathergames · 08/09/2015 17:08

cookie I have fed him - for 18 years. Now (when he turns 18 v soon) he is an adult he will stand on his own two feet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weathergames · 08/09/2015 17:09

Also as for toiletries we have about 4 Home Bargains near us so I really don't think that will be too expensive for him.

OP posts:
comingintomyown · 08/09/2015 17:25

To me what would influence my thinking is what has gone before. He has messed about at college for a year and caused you stress and hassle in terms of visits to the college, doubtless arguments at home re weed etc.

Now he has dropped out in spite of your efforts to keep him there and taken a job instead. With that background I think you are being totally reasonable to lay down the house rules you have. The only bit I don't understand is why you are annoyed with his Dad , let him go there for ??25 and get on with it.

Inertia · 08/09/2015 17:38

I'd be tempted to email his Dad back and tell him that he's unlikely to be a burden on you at all, as son has told you that he is moving into his Dad's as it's only ??25 per week there.

Original poster
Weathergames · 08/09/2015 17:53

inertia Grin comingintomyown I am angry because he has stirred something that DS was perfectly happy with but has no intention of extending the offer to his house.

And he has form for this type of thing - standing in judgement and giving his ill advised opinions yet not getting involved practically (usually at the instruction of his wife in an attempt to wind me up).

OP posts:
LavenderRain · 08/09/2015 18:18

My DS is almost 18, and is doing an apprenticeship. He goes to college once a week,
We agreed we wouldn't take any 'rent' from him for the first year as we helped his sister through uni,
but he pays his own phone bill (??30) buys his own bloody expensive clothes and anything else that takes his fancy, ie takeaways, games etc
He saved enough money to pay for driving lessons and bought his own first car. We paid the insurance, which was as much as the car! And he is paying back monthly for that,
We are going to charge him ??100 a month when the time comes,
YANBU OP,

ElkeDagMeisje · 08/09/2015 18:30

cookie I have fed him - for 18 years

Well, its illegal not to. That's what being a parent is about. I got that same line from my father (who had himself stayed at home for free until age 25), who tried to charge me for board and lodgings over the summer when I was a full time university student. It only made me get a job with accommodation included for the summer and pretty much finished off our relationship. But I know parents can and do try to see their adult children as a handy revenue stream.

I'd still like to know if your DP is being asked to contribute as much as your 17 yo DS. Somehow I suspect not.

And whether you will be declaring the extra income for tax.

I think you would be far better setting a fixed amount per month of a more reasonable amount say ??200-??250, which is a figure just about every other poster on here has mentioned, so he has an incentive to work extra hours but not the disincentive not to bother paying more overtime because after tax, he will be lucky if he gets half of it.

LavenderRain · 08/09/2015 18:33

Don't know why the ????'s came out as ???

Original poster
Weathergames · 08/09/2015 18:36

You seem to have an axe to grind elke.

My OH and I own the house - why is it relevant how much he pays? Hmm

OP posts:
dotdotdotmustdash · 08/09/2015 18:37

I'd pay ??200 or a little more but you can get a room fully catered in some university halls of residence for that ??300 a month, and that gives you 3 meals a day, shared entertaining and leisure facilities and quite likely en suite.

Please, please, please tell me where these halls are? My Dd and I are looking at Unis and halls for next year and catered, ensuite accommodation is at least twice that! We've looked at several Universities so far and the cheapest halls option is shared rooms, self-catered and no ensuite for ??90 per week.

dotdotdotmustdash · 08/09/2015 18:38

??90

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 08/09/2015 18:38

Elke you have no idea what the situation is with the OP's DP.

You also have little idea of the tax laws - you can 'earn' up to ??4,250 a year, soon rising to ??7,500 a year by renting out a room before you have to declare it for tax.

Also, again limited grasp of maths 'he will be lucky to get half of it'. He will be getting 2/3 of it, as the OP has repeatedly stated.

dotdotdotmustdash · 08/09/2015 18:38

Oops redo fail!

ElkeDagMeisje · 08/09/2015 18:47

Bradford, DotDotDot.

Alibab the OP's son will have to pay tax, as well as her 1/3. She hasn't specified whether she is taking her cut off before or after tax.

I do very much have plenty of idea about the tax laws and how much the rent a room exemption is. And the OP is sailing close to the wind on it if she is indeed charging him 1/3 of 37 x ??6.99 x 52.

ElkeDagMeisje · 08/09/2015 18:47

I think we can all accept that pound signs are inexplicably coming out as question marks today.

Original poster
Weathergames · 08/09/2015 18:48

After tax Hmm

OP posts:
ChunkyPickle · 08/09/2015 18:49

Elke - I was paying more than 300/term for self-catered halls 20 years ago.... I think you might be pulling figures out of your arse there.

ChunkyPickle · 08/09/2015 18:49

Ah, /month not /term - then yes, that's exactly what it cost.. 20 years ago..

00100001 · 08/09/2015 18:49

elke tou r relationship with your dad must have been pretty rocky before the asking for rent. So stop fucking projecting your own family issues on to the OP.

dotdotdotmustdash · 08/09/2015 18:57

Bradford, DotDotDot

Bradford Uni? I've had a look and their cheapest ensuite room is ??93pw and is self-catering.

To the Op, I think that 1/3 is perfectly reasonable, and if his Father wants to subsidise that, then your Ds should ask him to.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/09/2015 20:03

And whether you will be declaring the extra income for tax

Nice try, Elke Hmm www.gov.uk/government/publications/rent-a-room-relief-increase

As for "sailing close to the wind" - this is based on your own figures which you repeat endlessly. Since OP (quite understandably) hasn't chosen to share exact details with us, isn't it a bit unwise to make assumptions like this?

CassieBearRawr · 08/09/2015 20:07

YANBU in the slightest OP. You are in fact being very fair by basing it off a percentage rather than a set amount, given his insecure work contract.

goawayalready · 08/09/2015 20:23

i claimed income support many years ago and as soon as i got my first giro my mom had her hand out for half she told me i had to buy my own clothing from what i had left as she would no longer be providing that plus there was a suggestion i should pay for my own driving lessons (would have left me with less than a fiver a week) she also expected me to continue do all her washing cooking cleaning ironing for her and my older sister plus chop wood take care of her dogs making sure they were walked regularly and do any top up shopping as needed (on foot) (i did this while i went through school and college to earn my pocket money(which was a tenner) i lasted a couple of weeks before i moved out i was actually better off she on the other hand went to work moaning her arse off that there was no meal to go home to and she actually had to do her own hoovering her co workers were like Confused Hmm

i did get a job and i did pay a lot for my bedsit but it was mine and i was able to cope fine

op your ds does not sound like he could cope in the real world he is actually moaning when you're giving him a gift really 1/3 is brilliant you can save any extra he pays when he is having a good week and if he ever decides to move out you have a nice start up for him

your ex is being a wee dick all he had to say to his son is your mother's house your mother's rules and step out of it my dad did he disagreed with how she was with the money but did not overrule her it was her house!

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