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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be fucking beyond furious with my ten year old daughter

541 replies

ovaryhill · 07/09/2015 19:23

Had a call from fraud prevention at my bank today
Daughter has been playing Movistar Planet and has taken my bank acard nd spent £266 over the past couple of months!!!
I'm so upset I could cry

OP posts:
NewLife4Me · 07/09/2015 21:57

I'd want to rip off her head and then come up with a sensible punishment.

I definitely agree about teaching actions having consequences with a punishment that is ongoing in some way like pocket money, no treats, definitely not Christmas.
Chances are she would have cost you that much money in bits and pieces like treats, eating out, etc. Just don't give her anything.
Everytime she asks, you say no until you have the money back.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 07/09/2015 21:57

I think she'll get over losing the dolls, it's not some horrendous childhood trauma
I guess this is where I feel differently about it. I collected dolls as a child and I would have been really, really upset if they were sold. 'Trauma' seems a strong word but if you put time and effort into a collection for it to be then taken away, well, actually I think that is pretty traumatic.

You're unlikely to start your collection over again so something that's been part of you for years is just gone . . .and there's been no right of passage of coming to terms with not wanting to collect dolls anymore.

NewLife4Me · 07/09/2015 21:58

I meant definitely don't threaten no xmas as that would be so hard to see through. Well it would for me.

TenForward82 · 07/09/2015 22:00

If you put time and effort into a collection that was given to you for free by living family members, some of whom you possibly just stole from?

TenForward82 · 07/09/2015 22:01

Loving, not living. Damn autocorrect.

mellicauli · 07/09/2015 22:02

Cancelling Christmas punishes everyone else too. She'll cry all day and look glum when everyone else opens your presents. How could you enjoy Christmas when that's going on?

Sell the dolls. Dock her pocket money/treats. Then she has to make up the rest in chores so she can understand what it takes to earn that kind of money. Hopefully she'll clear it before Xmas.

TenForward82 · 07/09/2015 22:03

Good idea re: chores

FunnysInLaJardin · 07/09/2015 22:09

I would be furious. Its one thing to mistakenly buy stuff during a game and quite another to use your card to do that. I have a nearly 10 yo DS and he would be paying me back for the next year! And I am a laid back kind of parent - but stealing is off limits

ijustwannadance · 07/09/2015 22:14

I think once you have both calmed down, you need to speak to your DD about what is going on with these 2 'friends'. Has she been trying to fit in, hence the showing off, being bullied, or something else. I'm all for punishing her but find out what else is happening too.

I for one wouldn't sell the dolls, they probably won't be worth much anyway, but put them in a box and ask a friend or relative to keep hold of them. If she makes amends and is genuinly sorry then give her them back for xmas.

ijustwannadance · 07/09/2015 22:15

But let her think you have sold them

IguanaTail · 07/09/2015 22:18

I wouldn't give them back to be honest.

I think the anger will subside to sadness soon on your part OP. Don't worry, she will remember this always and will be the better person for it.

MsTargaryen · 07/09/2015 22:20

I wouldn't sell the dolls. Peer pressure, wanting to fit in, addictive games and wanting to be the best at them can all be powerful things at times. She's only ten.

Also, trauma isn't too extreme of a word to use re removing the dolls. Lots of hoarders relate their condition to beginning when their parents removed their toys or collections from them. You can get emotionally connected to objecys especially when you are a child.

MsTargaryen · 07/09/2015 22:20

Objects*

BrideOfWankenstein · 07/09/2015 22:22

I would be selling the dolls and telling everyone not to buy her new ones. I think that just selling the dolls is too small punishment.
Adult who would steal the same amount could even end up in prison and still would have to pay back the amount+court fees. Why it should be different for a child?

I once stole large sum of money from my friend's mums purse when I was 7 or 8. My dad cancelled my birthday that year. And I don't blame him. I know that it was the only thing that could be done to make me understand what I've done.

wickedlazy · 07/09/2015 22:24

I would be livid! I agree with giving the dolls to someone for safe keeping and pretend you sold them. Santa could give them back to her on christmas day because (hopefully) she's been so good since. Chores are a good idea imo, and no treats, no take aways, ice cream, anything like that for her obviously, you work away as usual is there anything else you can take away? TV, playstation, ipad? Sounds harsh but £266 is a lot of money!

TenForward82 · 07/09/2015 22:26

Too much precious snowflake syndrome on this thread. Give her the dolls back? Great, no actual consequences for my actions! Taking the dolls away will turn her into a hoarder? WTAF.

This is why we have a generation of criminals, layabouts and scroungers who think the world owes them a living.

Bettercallsaul1 · 07/09/2015 22:30

The vast majority of criminals have had very deprived backgrounds, Ten - they are absolutely not the spoiled offspring of the middle classes!

VenusRising · 07/09/2015 22:30

I wonder if your dd is now so ashamed you're relationship with her will suffer. I wonder if in years to come if she'll remember how vindictive you were to sell all her toys. You need to calm down and accecpt that your dd is a child and you're and adult.

I think I agree with heteronormative hay bales, and punishment is inappropriate for unsupervised use of a non password protected, internet linked device.

I'm sorry but I feel you are being unreasonable to punish so harshly she's in hysterics.

You're the adult, suck it up, and parent properly in future. Limit time, and supervise time on devices, and password protect your cards, and keep an eye on your bank statements.

I wonder if your dd is showing addictive behaviour? Time for you to listen to her a bit more I think, and not just let her off in her bedroom doing God knows what on her internet linked device- she could be on MN and you wouldn't even know!!

TenForward82 · 07/09/2015 22:32

Yes, all those prosecuted for fraud in large professional organisations started off poor.

What's more likely, they will become a criminal or a hoarder? Take your pick.

TimeToMuskUp · 07/09/2015 22:33

I'd list the dolls on eBay and make her help parcel them up once they're sold. It's a harsh thing to do, admittedly, but I honestly believe that she needs a quick and stern response to this from you in order to really understand just how terrible her actions were; as an adult she'd be possibly jailed for doing the exact same thing.

However, I've just asked DH what he'd do if DS1 (almost 10) did the same and he disagrees with selling toys, saying he'd give a bollocking, remove pocket money and explain just how dreadful it was. And that is also why I'm considered the bad guy in our house, because the DCs know he'll give chance after chance.

TenForward82 · 07/09/2015 22:33

I really don't get how this punishment is "vindictive". Try growing up with REAL vindictive parents.

Topseyt · 07/09/2015 22:35

Bloody hell, I'd be utterly raging if one of mine had done this.

Just sell the dolls. All the talk about that turning her into a hoarder is ridiculous psychobabble.

She stole from you. She pays the consequences. It's that simple. Simple to us, and to her too, even if she shriek and throws a wobbly about it.

SavoyCabbage · 07/09/2015 22:36

What punishment does she think is suitable?

OwlinaTree · 07/09/2015 22:37

I think selling the dolls is very emotive. Does she have any savings she could pay you back with? Does she receive pocket money? Could you halve that until the debt is paid? That would give her a long term consequence without the emotion of losing the dolls.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 07/09/2015 22:38

VenusRising I see where you're coming from but what do you propose for discipline? Nothing at all?