to be fucking beyond furious with my ten year old daughter

[ovaryhill]

Had a call from fraud prevention at my bank today
Daughter has been playing Movistar Planet and has taken my bank acard nd spent £266 over the past couple of months!!!
I'm so upset I could cry

[TenForward82]

Not sure I'd be cancelling xmas but it would be a lot more restrained this year, that's for damn sure.

Agree that delaying isn't good enough, punishment (and bill-paying) needs to happen sooner.

First world kids who don't appreciate what they have wind me RIGHT up.

[Mistigri]

I agree with the PP that at 10, impulse control isn't yet great and money in a credit card probably doesn't seem that "real" especially for kids who've grown up with "fake" money that you spend in FB games.

That's not to say it isn't really naughty, but I can understand how it might happen. Of course she should have been better supervised - but it's always easy to say that with hindsight, so don't beat yourself up too much.

My DD at 9/10 did lots of really naughty and even dangerous things - for eg she got hold of the cortisone tablets I sometimes take for asthma and ate them (they are sweet). It's all very well saying that they shouldn't have been accessible (they were in my handbag) but they're for emergencies and not much use if they're not in my handbag. And often 10 year old girls can seem quite mature, so you start to let your parenting defences down - until you find outthe hard way that they are really not mature at all :-/

If it helps, we survived this and many other incidents and near misses, and she is now a mature, sensible and considerate 14 year old!

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

The involvement of her friends would make me really uncomfortable with this . . . they're obviously not 'good' friends if they encouraged her to do this, benefited from it and then told on her.

So now, assuming part of her motivation was to curry favour with these 'friends', she has been dropped by the friends, got into massive trouble and is going to lose dolls that she has collected for years. If her so-called friends are manipulative little girls then they'll be delighted at how much they have fucked up her life in such a short time.

Of course she shouldn't have done it but you should have had restrictions in place so it wasn't possible for her to do it. I wouldn't be selling her doll collection.

[Jw35]

That's a lot of money and I'd be upset too. I think the disipline is fair. I also think it's important to have a really big chat about what happened and why and how you feel about it.
Try to be annoyed by the behaviour rather than her.

[Bettercallsaul1]

I think the punishment should fit the crime in that the OP's daughter has deliberately and continuously spent money that was not hers and therefore should not have any money spent on her for a good long time. I think that is completely fair in terms of the OP actually getting some of her money back (in terms of saving expenditure) and is also a punishment for her daughter in terms of less enjoyment of life for a while - plus, of course, she has forfeited her right to use the computer unsupervised.

I think it would be wrong to sell anything which a ten-year-old is emotionally attached to and which she owns. It would be wrong to deprive her of her property just as it was wrong for the girl to take her mother's money.

[TenForward82]

I think she'll get over losing the dolls, it's not some horrendous childhood trauma. I think she'll be more traumatised over how badly she fucked up and let her mother down.

And no, it's not "as wrong", her mother isn't stealing from her, she's taking back property SHE paid for.

[ovaryhill]

Iguana I don't check mind that regularly either, I know roughly what Igoes in and out each month and only have the odd check at the end of the month
I hold my hands to the point about unsupervised computer access and that will definitely be changing
Also I would never carry on a punishment for months or over Xmas
However she needs to learn that her actions have consequences
She can't steal and expect to be treated with kid gloves or I will just be storing up a whole host of trouble for the future

[LynetteScavo]

Christmas is nearly 4 months away....a VERY long time in the life of a 10yo so cancelling it forwould just be mean. Peace and good will and all that.

She knew using the card was wrong, but did she have any concept of how much money she was spending. I think you need to get through to her how much of your money she's taken.

[specialsubject]

sell the dolls - consequences are good. Lesson to be learned.
speak to the other parents.

[CassieBearRawr]

While she needs to shoulder some reaponsibility for her actions - she clearly knew what she was doing and that it was wrong - you also need to shoulder some responsibility op. She's clearly had a lot of unsupervised access to your laptop and the internet, I suggest reigning that in as a minimum.

[InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream]

CJ- the child is ten years old. For heavens sake. She has been stupid, as children are wont to be, she needs punishment now, not in 3 months.

[LieselVonTwat]

Cancelling Christmas isn't going to work because it's ages away. It needs to be something more immediate. I'm another who'd also look to sell something she isn't emotionally attached to. Wouldn't make chores a part of the punishment either, because she should be learning that housework is a normal part of life we all do every day regardless of how we've behaved, not something she has to do as a sanction.

I would also want to get more information about exactly what role these 'friends' played.

[IguanaTail]

Selling the dolls is fine.

[TenForward82]

She can't steal and expect to be treated with kid gloves or I will just be storing up a whole host of trouble for the future

I think a some posters on this thread will be finding that with their DCs further down the line ...

When we moved to this country we were dirt poor and living with relatives, and my mum kept going on about being poor. To stave off the poverty I started stealing 1p and 2p coins from extended family. I must have stolen about 50p altogether. My mum went absolutely mental when she found out, and I felt horrible, and I never did it again. Grown up to be a model citizen too

[sonjadog]

Sell the dolls. There has to be a reaction here that will make a definite impression. Sell them and then move on. Don't drag it out to Christmas.

[IguanaTail]

Why does she care what the friends did? That's for their parents to sort out.

[Osolea]

I'm in a similar position with my slightly older ds, who spent my money through a game. He didn't specifically take my cards, but he did know exactly what he was doing, and it wasn't cheap! I haven't gone with no presents, but he did get a significantly less valuable birthday present, has had pocket money docked, and unless he chooses to some serious chores (which isn't looking likely) then he will get less than he would have done for Christmas. He knows how much would have been spent and how much I've put towards paying off his debt, and he will be paying back every single penny.

It's going to take a while, but then that's real life and he has to learn. I'd rather be harsh on him now and get the message through that debt has to be paid in full than have him make the same mistake as an adult.

[jacks11]

I would be furious too. And yes, I agree there has to be a punishment which will resonate. She needs to understand what she did was very wrong and must never be repeated, and also that actions have consequences. That said, I think the punishment should be immediate- such as selling her dolls- not dragged out for months (so I don't agree with cancelling christmas, for instance).

I also agree that she should not have unsupervised access to laptop/internet etc (and my DD doesn't anyway, as I feel she is too young) until she is much older. Obviously, it would have been better if you had a closer idea of what she was doing on the laptop before now and also better password protection etc and but then hindsight is a wonderful thing. Nevertheless, I think you need to take a lesson from this too.

I echo some of whatAPlace though- maybe need to look into the "friends" who were aware of what was happening and then "grassed" on her when the fell out. I wonder if she was trying to curry favour/impress these friends- and while not an excuse for her very bad behaviour, I wonder if they contributed to the problem too. I would be having a chat about responsible behaviour and friendships in that vein, just in case.

[Excited101]

Absolutely sell the dolls!

[Theydontknowweknowtheyknow]

I would say that's a pretty severe crime. Apart from anything else it's a lot of money that I'm sure you really need so it's not simply a matter of inconvenience.

[Bettercallsaul1]

Well, we don't actually know that, Ten - the OP has said that the dolls were given as birthday and Christmas presents but they may not all have been from the parents. Some could have been given by grandparents or other relatives, so the OP might not be "reclaiming" her own money if she sells them all.

My problem with selling the dolls is that they were given as gifts on significant occasions such as Christmas and birthdays and were a token of love. I think there is a world of difference between say, taking money from the girl's savings account (if she had one) and selling cherished possessions.
There is also a world of difference between a ten-year-old thief and a grown up one. If this incident is taken too seriously (as opposed to being met with a very serious telling-off and a complete curtailment of any unnecessary spending on her for a couple of months), this incident may scar the OP's daughter's life in a long-term way which I'm sure the OP wouldn't want at all.

[TattyDevine]

Flogging the dolls is a good idea because you should recoup a good bit of the cost. Cancelling Christmas is a slow burner, its 4 months away, this is more instant and she's getting something "taken away" in the same way you have rather than "just not getting something in the future"

Sorry to hear this OP, it sounds shit.

[MrsGentlyBenevolent]

Haven't read the whole thread. However, I feel for you. One Christmas I was visiting home, one of my siblings took my card details and spent nearly £200 in a week on Minecraft. Lucky the bank understood, paid most of it back. Made sure the little shit didn't have the Xbox for a good while either (if it had been my choice, it would have been sold). You need to stand firm on this, otherwise believe me, it will likely happen again.

[TenForward82]

I take your point about the gifts, but by selling them the OP will be getting money anyway so where they came from is still invalid IMO.

Re the scarring, yeah, no. In my day the most you could steal was a tenner from someone's wallet. Now you spend hundreds at the click of a button. Kid needs to realise that's serious.

[IonaNE]

YANBU for selling the dolls.
It was theft (and I disagree with the posters who are talking about "impulse control" - entering various card numbers at different times has nothing to do with "impulse").
I would not cancel Christmas, that would be unfair to the rest of the family - but I would not give her a present.