to be fucking beyond furious with my ten year old daughter

[ovaryhill]

Had a call from fraud prevention at my bank today
Daughter has been playing Movistar Planet and has taken my bank acard nd spent £266 over the past couple of months!!!
I'm so upset I could cry

It's not vindictive. If she was rude and her mum suddenly sold her dolls, that would be vindictive. This is different. She deliberately used her mum's credit card to buy herself some dolls and then lied. Selling them, and recouping (some of) the money seems pretty fair to me. They weren't her dolls in the first place. She's 10 not 5. And why shouldn't she get a bollocking?

Isn't emotion involved when you, as the parent, work your ass off to provide for your family and they steal from you, lie to you and fritter away your money? Why shouldn't she feel the emotional impact of this? Not that I would fixate on the dolls because they mean so much to her, but because they are (possibly) financially valuable. It's practical, not vindictive, but why should she lose something she doesn't care about losing? What does that teach her?

I wouldn't sell the dolls personally.

There would be consequences, a lot of them, but I wouldn't sell the dolls.

And cancel Xmas? FFS. She is 10 and while her behaviour was awful spoiling Xmas for not just her but the whole family is ridiculous.

The two girls she has fallen out with were outside when dd s thirteen year old brother went out to call for his friends and they told him what dd had done, presumably to get her into trouble as they had fallen out
It's just coincidence that it happened on same day

This would make me suspicious. It all started over 2 months ago yet you find out from two different sources on the same day? Any chance DS heard you talking about it then mentioned to the friends when he saw them and they decided to shit stir and say "oh we saw her doing that"?

Not sure about the dolls but she definitely needs to repay the money somehow and if thats her only assets then they should be sold to recoup the loss.

Cancelling christmas is OTT and as other said, punishes everyone.

Also Ten are you always so angry?

Erm, please note I didn't say it would turn her into a hoarder. I said trauma isn't an extreme word for the removal of things you are emotionally invested in. I also said removal of toys or collections by parents is a common theme among hoarders. Bit of a difference

BTW its pretty unlikely Dd knew how much she had spent. In her was it was probably a few games at a tenner a pop. She wont have totted it all up each time and kept a running total so while it is a massive amount, i very much doubt she will have been aware it was that much.

Surly, this is a debate board. I haven't called any posters a name, or sworn at anyone. Calling someone angry is a well - known way of trying to take validity out of people's arguments because "they're emotional". And what you call "angry", I call "no nonsense". Aside from that, I don't give a monkeys what you think, sorry.

Thinking about this, my DS is 10. If it was him i would ask him how he was going to repay me. I wouldnt just decide what i was taking to sell. I think she has an obligation to repay it but she doesnt have an obligation to sell her dolls to do it. She might have other suggestions that could work.

I wouldn't sell the dolls
Cancelling Christmas is just ridiculous
I'm sorry OP but this is your own fault, you should be supervising her screen time and you should have passwords and parental controls on things
Yes she should get in big trouble and had the device removed for a while of course but I really think you're putting too much responsibility on her for this
You weren't parenting, and this is what happens

I'd take the dolls and say that I was selling them to recoup the money. I'd then agree further punishment/ restrictions.
However, IF she stuck with whatever restrictions were put in place AND I could afford not to sell the dolls, I'd keep them and give them back at Christmas if she had learned her lesson. But I'm soft..

Actually ten it is your behaviour on pretty much every thread ive seen you on that prompted the question. Nothing to do with taking any validity out of your argument. You just always seem to be so angry on every thread. Its really alters the tone of threads.

SurlyCue good one! If I was OP I'd do that!

Oh, does it now? A little common sense can do that. But I'm delighted I seem to have so much power in your opinion.

I think it is vindictive to sell the dolls, and achieves nothing. She may be humbled but she won't be sorry, just angry.

There must be more constructive ways to get your children on your side. Remember there are many many ways she can go on "lying" and "cheating" if she chooses to - why would you want her to hate you so much that she becomes even more underhand?

I think this is a horrible thread...so many parents remind me of the adults in the opening scenes of Jane Eyre.

Why not ban use of the computer and electronic media for a while. And get her to help you do the shopping for food etc for a week so she can see what things in RL cost; I mean that in a constructive way not a vengeful way. Chores helpful ones, not just breaking stones sort of punishment.

I think many many mumsnetters have had this issue with their children getting so addicted that they spend too much. She is only 10. Haven't you ever in your whole life ended up making an extravagant purchase. It's not YOUR money, it is money for the whole family - I think it is weird to say she is stealing, no if anything she is stealing from herself/her family not you personally.

My neighbour's daughter died recently - she was 11. I should think her mother in your position would have looked back and thought what a unhappy memory I created, and how little that 266 £ (or whatever it was) really mattered compared to her relationship with her precious irreplaceable child.

and please find a bit of peace here and don't listen to these harpies.

I simply cannot see how any good can come from punishing this 10 year old in such a massive way. There are some horribly vindictive suggestions on this thread.

How can she possibly grasp the enormity of what she has done? I bet she has no concept of the value of the amount she has taken. I would be very angry if my child did this, but would be more worried about the extent of their gaming addiction.

more or less cross posted with knitting.

You can have common sense without being angry about it

My neighbour's daughter died recently - she was 11. I should think her mother in your position would have looked back and thought what a unhappy memory I created, and how little that 266 £ (or whatever it was) really mattered compared to her relationship with her precious irreplaceable child.

yes never tell your child off in case they die.

I also wouldn't sell the dolls; I'd not give pocket money until it was paid off. When several months have passed she'll hopefully realise what a significant sum it was.

I feel sorry for both of you. My DC are much older now but this sort of thing was going amongst DS's school friends years ago. DS did £25 on his father's credit card for a game of War Hammer but got found out very very quickly. Lots of conversations here about not even thinking about it because as DS found out, it shows up on statements and you get found out. Lots and lots of those conversations. DD has my credit details for Amazon and knows that she always has to ask.

I can't help thinking this coincides with the end of the long summer holidays and wondering how bored she might have been especially if you have a new job and might not have been around so much.

It was very very wrong but did she really perceive the enormity of it. I think at 10 mine thought money in the bank was fairly surreal. At nearly 21 one of mine still thinks it grows on trees to an extent.

I think you need to deal with it with understanding. By all means explain what £266 means; explain about criminal records and enhanced CRBs and how she could have trouble being a teacher or a nurse if anything like this happens again and she gets caught beyond the family, take her to the supermarket with her and make a point of having some really boring dinners over the next few weeks because the money has to be recouped somehow.

I couldn't sell her dolls or cancel Christmas - not at 10 for a first "offence". If she continued and carried doing things like it then the consequences would be far greater but in those circumstances I think I'd also be working with school/psychiatric/camhs referral to establish any underlying problem if generally she has been a good girl and has had firm boundaries thus far.

I'm not angry. Your perception of me is being angry. Doesn't mean you're right.

Again, this is a debate board. People tend to debate about stuff they feel passionate about or interested in. That doesn't equal anger.

I'm not interested in you trying to police how I post. Soz, kid.

yes never tell your child off in case they die.

or become a hoarder

knittingwithnettles you speak very wise words and I totally agree with you.

Very, very mean to sell the dolls, how does anyone really know how much they mean to her....? And getting her to help list them and pack them up is just unbelievably cruel.

Yes she did wrong, but she is ten years old. A child who made a mistake.

Sorry OP but this is why I don't let my children have electronic devices and unsupervised internet access till they're much older.

ok granma

I wouldn't sell the dolls. I would go for confiscation until debt is repaid (bit like pawning?) if she gets pocket money she can repay from that but if not I would set up a chore chart with prices and for each she does she gets that price off it.