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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be fucking beyond furious with my ten year old daughter

541 replies

ovaryhill · 07/09/2015 19:23

Had a call from fraud prevention at my bank today
Daughter has been playing Movistar Planet and has taken my bank acard nd spent £266 over the past couple of months!!!
I'm so upset I could cry

OP posts:
Youarentkiddingme · 07/09/2015 20:30

I'd be fuming too. However it seems a little dodgy that this has come about because her friends brother grassed on her. How did he know?

I'm a bit confused though because who contacted the bank to tell them and then they pick it up as fraud? Was that the brother?

BMW6 · 07/09/2015 20:35

Don't you keep a track of your outgoings via Internet banking? If not, I suggest you do for your future protection.......

Original poster
ovaryhill · 07/09/2015 20:39

Bank message said there had been
Online activity on my account and they wanted to check it wasn't fraudulent
The two girls she has fallen out with were outside when dd s thirteen year old brother went out to call for his friends and they told him what dd had done, presumably to get her into trouble as they had fallen out
It's just coincidence that it happened on same day

OP posts:
IguanaTail · 07/09/2015 20:45

He knew because he saw her with the card.

I'd be furious too.

Amethyst24 · 07/09/2015 20:47

To be fair to your DD, presumably she is devastated as much by her friends' perceived betrayal as by being caught. Were they egging her on, do you think?

SoapyBubblez · 07/09/2015 20:48

YANBU to be upset!! I don't blame you for feeling that way at all!
If you're selling her toys, you could always keep her favourite one back until you feel she's learnt her lesson?
I'm not a massive softy at all

Blush
DixieNormas · 07/09/2015 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CJCreggsmyhero · 07/09/2015 20:50

I was like this as a child and I got worse, I had NO respect for other people's possessions or money. Your DD sounds like she has been deceitful and tried to lie her way out. If she does this with other people (friends, shop lifting) the repercussions could be life changing.

IMO you need to cancel Christmas, the shock and shame of receiving no Christmas presents will resonate for years.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 07/09/2015 21:01

Cancel Christmas?!!! Going a bit far! The punishment needs to be much more immediate for her age. Unless you want her to hate her parents for ever Hmm

Goldenbear · 07/09/2015 21:01

That's a bit severe isn't it- cancel Christmas?

I wouldn't sell her stuff. I wouldn't seek 'revenge'.

Bettercallsaul1 · 07/09/2015 21:02

How much money do you think the dolls would raise, OP? Would it be anywhere near the amount you have lost?

Original poster
ovaryhill · 07/09/2015 21:05

Her brother did not see her with the card
She's done this when her friends have been in and they've been upstairs on the computer, egged on or not, she knew it was wrong

OP posts:
Bettercallsaul1 · 07/09/2015 21:07

I agree this behaviour definitely warrants a serious response - it is the deceitful and calculating nature of it that worries me. This was no impulsive "crime" but continuous, deliberate wrong-doing which would have continued longer had she not been told on.

Youarentkiddingme · 07/09/2015 21:10

Sorry ovary I didn't mean my post to sound harsh or accusationary (I just read it back to myself Blush) I was just confused!

Sounds like yes, your DD knows it's wrong but these girls have been quite happy to egg her on and reap the rewards too. I think I'd be telling their parents what's been going on.

I hope you get somewhere with the company tomorrow.

Original poster
ovaryhill · 07/09/2015 21:10

She has about twenty eight dolls mostly older style ones that she's collected for birthday and Xmas over the past three years, no idea what they would fetch but they are in new condition

OP posts:
Bettercallsaul1 · 07/09/2015 21:11

Having said that, I wouldn't sell anything that she had a strong emotional attachment to - I might confiscate the dolls for a time but I wouldn't sell them. But I would make sure that there were no outings, treats or presents for a good long time.

Madbengalmum · 07/09/2015 21:12

Yes OP i agree you need to take a harsh line on this, and selling the dolls if she will miss them is a good decision, and a much smaller xmas gift.

TenForward82 · 07/09/2015 21:16

All this "I wouldn't sell anything of hers" Hmm God forbid breaking the rules and wasting her parents' hard-earned money should have consequences ...

PurpleDaisies · 07/09/2015 21:17

I think you're right to implement a strong punishment now. Selling the dolls (or hiding them in the attic where she can't have them) is a good idea, and obviously no unsupervised computer time until you can trust her again.

I wouldn't drag it out until Christmas. Get a proper punishment over with now, let her be sad at the consequences of her actions and apologise, then put it behind you and move on. It sounds like you're doing a good job. I'd be livid too.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 07/09/2015 21:17

What I don't understand is that, if this has been going on for a couple of months, how you didn't notice the activity on your account sooner, and also the extent to which her gaming activity is supervised (or not) for her to have been able to do this. I have a 10yo and he and his brother share a laptop (we don't have consoles). I know what is on there and what he is playing when he has his screen time, and what possibilities he has (nothing on which he can spend any money). It's kept in a family area, not in bedrooms. I think 10 is too young to have relatively unsupervised access to a device which leaves these sorts of possibilities open to her. Their impulse control still isn't reliable and it is so seductively easy to do this sort of spending. Think how many grown adults run up huge bills this way.

You have every right to be angry, but I think in a way a degree of responsibility needs to be accepted by you. This means selling the dolls (never mind cancelling Christmas, good grief, she is TEN) would be OTT, unless she chooses to do so as a way of paying you back at least some of the money (which I would tell her she will have to do - perhaps half - and leave it open to her whether she pays in instalments out of her pocket money, sells some possessions, does chores or a combination of these). I would also keep her off the computer for a long time, as - this is the reason I would give her, so she is clear of the logical consequence of her actions - she is clearly not mature or sensible enough to be allowed to use it.

ScOffasDyke · 07/09/2015 21:18

Pity you didn't check your bank account though, you'd have noticed she was doing this a lot sooner, and she'd wouldn't have been able to spend £266.

CJCreggsmyhero · 07/09/2015 21:22

I find it hard to comprehend the shock over my 'cancel Christmas' suggestion.

The child has deliberately stolen a total of £266 through multiple thefts of her parents debit & credit cards.

A harsh punishment would be calling the police. No presents on the 25th December seems quite tame.

IguanaTail · 07/09/2015 21:22

I don't check my bank account that routinely.

And as for "emotional attachment to dolls" sorry that's discounted when it's effectively stolen property.

And cancelling Christmas?!! What?!?!

TenForward82 · 07/09/2015 21:23

I agree that it seems she wasn't supervised well, but at 10 you know stuff costs money and she TOOK HER MOTHER'S CARDS. She ran up the bill, she needs to pay for it. She didn't pay for any of the stuff she owns so she doesn't get to choose what goes (especially as what she chooses to go would be unlikely to cover the cost)

PurpleDaisies · 07/09/2015 21:24

Christmas is three months away. Isn't it better to give a punishment that the daughter will really feel now (like taking the dolls and selling them) than making her suffer for ages until this episode is over?