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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

3 DC in a box room, AIBU?

232 replies

Robinredtip · 06/09/2015 11:05

Ex and I get on fine, 4 years post divorce. He rents a house with 3 bedrooms and has done since we divorced.

He has been with his new partner for 2 years, kids like her and they all get on well.

He called last night to say that he and partner are moving in together and would be telling the DC today (was nice of him to call beforehand).

I presumed she would be moving in with him, but he said that he is moving into her house (2 bed, one of which is a box room). I asked how that was going to work with the DC, he said it will be fine we'll work something out. I asked how they were all going to fit in a double room and he then said, "no they are going in the box room" Hmm.

DC have stayed there a few times and two of them sleep in a single bed (top and tail) and 1 of them sleeps on the floor in a sleeping bag.

He said I couldn't expect him and partner to take the box room. I left the conversation at this point and said well you'll have to discuss it with the DC. He thinks there will only be a problem if I "put it into their heads there is a problem"

AIBU to think that it's not OK? They sleep at his 2 nights a week and 2 weeks in the holidays. DD has just started her periods and should have a space of her own and a bed of her own.

OP posts:
Dontlaugh · 06/09/2015 22:19

Periods in box rooms, check.
Periods in a room sharing with a sister, check.
Periods, in a bed, with a brother? No.

Flashbangandgone · 06/09/2015 22:19

An 11 yo menstruating sister sleeping in the same bed as a 8 to brother is not right if it can at all be avoided.... He can avoid it.... He doesn't have to move in.... Why can't she move to his 3 bed place? He's being very selfish!

lorelei9 · 06/09/2015 22:56

another thing about a doorway being blocked - as well the unnecessariness of the whole thing - the atmosphere in the room will be grim.

sorry for TMI but I used to have to get up and change sanitary protection a couple of times a night too. Not nice for the person involved and in this situation it will wake the others up too. I shared a room with my sis who had the same problem - unless you are on the same cycle there's a whole lot of interrupted sleep going on - I've been a terrible insomniac since I was about 13 so quite often if I'm woken up, I'm just awake. In those days it was a battle not to fall asleep at school (actually my sis did fall asleep a couple of times)!

Hopefully, OP, your ex will realise how unpleasant and unnecessary it all is. They don't have to buy a bigger house necessarily - there are other ways round it.

BlackeyedSusan · 06/09/2015 22:58

if he might be able to fit in a double, then he can get shorty bunk beds and a truckle bed. seriously there are masses of option sout there and places that will make matresses to fit.

(two children in one room that was built 3 inches too short to fit in two singles... , bastard architect)

ChickenTikkaMassala · 07/09/2015 06:46

The OP has said that her ex DH wants to get a mortgage and that moving into his partners two bedroom property is a short term plan until he can get a deposit together. There's a lot of hysteria here as usual.

onecurrantbun1 · 07/09/2015 07:01

I think the grown ups should have a double sofa bed / airbed for the two nights (as a child downstairs messes up the evening, no chance for watching tv once kids in bed etc), eldest alone in grown ups presumably double bed, bunk beds - you can get 2'7" and shorty bunks beds quite easily and cheaply if it is really a tiny room. Depends on what box room means too, hopefully room for a chest of drawers for clothes etc. It's a fairly easy and cheap solution surely?

Absolutely the kids should not need to share a bed if they don't want to, period or no period

sleeponeday · 07/09/2015 07:04

Two years isn't short term when you're 11, 8 and 5. It's a lifetime at that age.

Don't really get why DP can't rent the place she owns out, and move in with him? The saving from her contributions to the rent would let him save, too - I'm presuming he's paying his way in her place.

Really not fair at all on the kids. Manufacturing hardship when it's avoidable, and only for your kids and not yourself, is pretty selfish. Not very impressed with the partner, either.

ChickenTikkaMassala · 07/09/2015 08:33

It's the partners house, she can do what she likes as far as I'm concerned, she might like living there so who are you to judge her?

LilacRain · 07/09/2015 10:08

IMO the most important thing is that the kids like their dad's new partner and get on well with her. How much space they have is less important. I agree it's not ideal but it's only for 2 nights a week.

Why on earth can't the boy sleep on a sofa bed or air-bed in the lounge and the 2 girls share the box room? Why encourage the children to be fussy? They have their own rooms at home, their dad's house is not 'home' it's somewhere they stay a couple of nights a week. If the dad and GF can't afford a bigger house (or don't want to buy a new place yet) the kids need to make the best of it. They don't need a bed each or a whole wardrobe, they can just keep a few clothes, PJs and toys on a shelf, or bring a bag of things each time they visit. Provided the dad's GF is kind and they like her, the amount of 'personal space' the kids have shouldn't matter. No need for boys and girls to share one room when someone can sleep in the lounge, so periods are irrelevant. As long as they have a place to sleep and somewhere private to get changed (i.e. bathroom) I don't see a problem.

I actually feel sorry for the dad's new partner, who is trying to accommodate her partner's children in her tiny 2-bed house, has cleared out her spare bedroom yet is being made to feel it isn't good enough! It's bizarre to suggest she and the dad should sleep in the box-room/lounge and give up their own bedroom to the kids, who only visit 2 days a week.

What's wrong with bringing toys and clothes with them each time, instead of demanding more storage space? If OP makes a fuss about space or demands the children have more space to store toys etc, the GF is likely to end up resenting the children and regretting her decision to share her house. Likewise, the 5-year-old needs to be reminded not to touch glass ornaments. I think the best way forward is to remind the kids things have changed, yes the new house is very small, but they need to be respectful of this and adapt to it. Make it into something fun and exciting, emphasise the good parts and how nice the new GF is, rather than obsessing about lack of space.

19lottie82 · 07/09/2015 11:02

Don't really get why DP can't rent the place she owns out, and move in with him?

You can't always just *rent your place out". You need permission to let from your lender, and unless you have 25% equity in your property, a lot of them won't grant permission.

grapejuicerocks · 07/09/2015 11:04

They are not saying that it will be like this forever. Dad and gf are just starting out together. In 6 months time they will know whether living together works. They will know it is cramped and not a long term solution.

They can go with the flow for a few months and decide on the best way forward based on how it goes now. I'm sure the kids will make their opinions on it known.

Let it pan out and then start making a fuss if it seems to becoming a permanent thing.

nooka · 07/09/2015 17:32

Of course the children need a bed each! Their father's home should be their home, they are required to live there for almost 30% of their time and it's not unreasonable that they should be comfortable and feel welcome, not squeezed into their dad's life as some sort of after thought.

It's fair enough to have to be very careful when visiting a relative a couple of times a year, but if the dad's partner really wants his children to live with her in her house on a regular basis then she should pack away or relocate her easily breakable precious things, just like other parents do.

There may well be a solution that works, but it's not fair that the children should be expected to make all the compromises. I'm sure they didn't ask to have two homes and their father's love life isn't their responsibility.

LilacRain · 07/09/2015 18:55

Nooka I disagree. Why do they need a bed each in order to feel comfortable and welcome? Why are air-beds/camp-beds unwelcoming? Surely what matters is that dad and new partner are kind, attentive and spend quality time with them? If kids feel loved, cared for and have fun, the lack of space won't be an issue (unless OP encourages them to feel hard done by or keeps telling them they 'deserve' their own beds and the biggest room or makes the lack of space into a big thing).

There's nothing wrong with a camped/airbed in lounge for the boy. Sisters can then share the box-room. Or dad could get one of those 3-bunk-beds a PP suggested and all share the box-room, maybe put a screen up so girls have privacy to get changed. Plenty of children share rooms at home, it's a very western concept that every child must have personal space and privacy. When families re-shuffle, everyone needs to compromise and adapt to the space available. In this case, there isn't the space for all kids to have what they are used to.

if the dad's partner really wants his children to live with her in her house on a regular basis then she should pack away or relocate her easily breakable precious things
The children aren't toddlers. They need to respect other people's things! Why should the dad's partner have to put away anything breakable?? Her house, her rules, everyone needs to adapt and respect each other including the children. She has already compromised massively by adapting her home and converting her spare-room into a bedroom. It's not unreasonable to ask a child not to play with ornaments. It sounds as though the kids really like her and get on well... if I was OP I'd be grateful for this rather than complaining about lack of space or lack of beds.

PollysHoliday · 07/09/2015 19:25

It may be a western and even late 20th and 21st century concept that children have space, privacy and a bed each but as we live in the west in the 21st century I don't think it's too much to hope for really.

I think if children are living in their father's home for two days a week every week and for a fortnight during school holidays then he should aim to have decent sleeping arrangements and he should aim to accommodate their clothes, books and toys, ideally in their room/s.

nooka · 07/09/2015 20:26

It's not just 'her house' when she decided to have her partner move in, knowing that means his three children too. It then becomes their house too. Effectively she will become their step-mother, and that involves compromises. If she's not comfortable with all that means then she should say to her DP that they should go on living in separate houses, at least for now, or they should look for a bigger place for the five of them.

LilacRain would you truly be happy with having to sleep on an airbed twice a week every week? Or not having a room/space of your own. Not being able to have any of your familiar things around you, living out of a suitcase because there is nowhere to put your things?

I have no issue with children having to share a room, my two did very happily for many years. But they had enough room for a bed each and space for their toys and clothes. When dh and I separated and he had to find a flat for the three of them he only chose places with enough room for the children, I think that's a fairly basic requirement really, and one that this dad hasn't had a previous problem with.

balletgirlmum · 07/09/2015 20:28

Their schools will expect them to turn up on those two days properly rested, in clean tidy uniform with all the right equipment & homework done.

It's not like a one off sleepover of weekend away. It's daily life.

Thelushinthepub · 07/09/2015 20:39

Pmsl at how are camp beds unwelcoming? How many people do you know who sleep on one full
Time?
I think the suggestions here are great, buts what's the point? The girlfriend isn't asking for advice, OP can hardly suggest it

balletgirlmum · 07/09/2015 21:02

For what it's worth we are decorating ds's bedroom & for two nights he had to sleep on a camp bed on the floor of dd's room.

They both had an awful nights sleep (& dd is used to sharing a room in a school boarding house) & they both found it difficult to organise their stuff.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/09/2015 21:29

It's all very well to say 'it's only two nights a week', but FFS it is two nights a week EVERY week. A hearty chunk of their childhood. Squeezed into a boxroom with cramped sleeping space, no place for their stuff, daddy says just to bring what they need for the two days, so living out of their bags, feeling like a fucking afterthought. It pretty much screams to the children 'THIS IS NOT YOUR HOME' Sad.

Gileswithachainsaw · 07/09/2015 21:30

Their schools will expect them to turn up on those two days properly rested, in clean tidy uniform with all the right equipment & homework done

exactly

MsTargaryen · 07/09/2015 21:36

Would you feel loved and welcome shoved away in a tiny box room, piled in the same bed as your siblings? I wouldn't feel cared for either. I'd feel put up with. An obligation.

It's just another example of a selfish parent putting their wants before what their children need. Who cares as long as he's happy?

But it's a moot point anyway for OP because it's pretty obvious what type of person the dad is.

DowntownFunk · 07/09/2015 22:00

Would you feel loved and welcome shoved away in a tiny box room

My brother and I spent every weekend and lots of the holidays at my dad's tiny, tiny house. Our bedroom at his was 50% bunk beds and 50% my dad's work stuff...he genuinely had no other place to store it.

At our mum's place we had a large bedroom each, with all our possessions, TVs, stereos etc.

At our dad's we just slept in the bedroom. It was the other stuff we did that mattered, cooking together, eating together, playing together, watching telly, days out etc. My dad was a much better more imaginative parent than my mother and still is .

Our limited amount of toys and books were stored in the lounge.

As long as they're happy with the rest of the set up, and it sounds as if they are, and the children are well cared for, the size of the room itself really doesn't matter.

MsTargaryen · 07/09/2015 22:12

I like the way you cut the rest of my sentence off, about sharing the bed.

And there's a difference between doing something because you have to and because you fancy living with your new girlfriend and your tenancy is due to end so why not.

CarpetBagger · 07/09/2015 22:19

I would be surprised why he would choose to go from the house he has to a house unfit for his families needs

^ this.

sounds odd and if box room isnt good enough for him and his partner how on earth is it ok for three small dc?

I would feel claustrophobic in it

CarpetBagger · 07/09/2015 22:21

It's all very well to say 'it's only two nights a week', but FFS it is two nights a week EVERY week. A hearty chunk of their childhood. Squeezed into a boxroom with cramped sleeping space, no place for their stuff, daddy says just to bring what they need for the two days, so living out of their bags, feeling like a fucking afterthought. It pretty much screams to the children 'THIS IS NOT YOUR HOME

^ this.