3 DC in a box room, AIBU?

[Robinredtip]

Ex and I get on fine, 4 years post divorce. He rents a house with 3 bedrooms and has done since we divorced.

He has been with his new partner for 2 years, kids like her and they all get on well.

He called last night to say that he and partner are moving in together and would be telling the DC today (was nice of him to call beforehand).

I presumed she would be moving in with him, but he said that he is moving into her house (2 bed, one of which is a box room). I asked how that was going to work with the DC, he said it will be fine we'll work something out. I asked how they were all going to fit in a double room and he then said, "no they are going in the box room" .

DC have stayed there a few times and two of them sleep in a single bed (top and tail) and 1 of them sleeps on the floor in a sleeping bag.

He said I couldn't expect him and partner to take the box room. I left the conversation at this point and said well you'll have to discuss it with the DC. He thinks there will only be a problem if I "put it into their heads there is a problem"

AIBU to think that it's not OK? They sleep at his 2 nights a week and 2 weeks in the holidays. DD has just started her periods and should have a space of her own and a bed of her own.

[jacks365]

x posted. Hopefully they will quickly realize that it won't work long term and will either extend or move to a larger property.

[juneau]

Sorry, obv the 5-year-old is not on the cusp of puberty!

[Osolea]

My dc squash in to a tiny room when they stay with their dad. They take it in turns to sleep on a fold down bed or on a blow up mattress on the floor. It's not ideal but it doesn't do them any harm, and they genuinely don't mind.

Your ex could get a bunk bed and something that could go on the floor, because I don't think topping and tailing is a decent long term solution, but I think he's right that you can't expect him and his DP to sleep in a box room every night.

There is no law that says opposite sex children can't share the same room, that's only something that applies to people applying for social housing, the rest of us have to make do with what we can afford.

[WorzelsCornyBrows]

Well he's being a bit short sighted here. When each of your DC are old enough to make their own choice they simply won't want to visit if the sleeping arrangements are uncomfortable. I guess if he's considered that and isn't bothered then that's his choice.

Children sharing isn't a big deal, but 3 in a box room where you can't open the door if they're asleep sounds like a fire hazard to me.

[WildStallions]

It's not the law. It's what the councils use to decide if your house is overcrowded. But it most certainly isn't the law.

[slithytove]

The boys will have to have the lounge. Does xp's new partner have a sofa bed.

It's possible xp hasn't given this any thought from your daughters PoV. I have to say it doesn't sound like this house will feel like a home for them, more like an uncomfortable place to visit.

[OneDay103]

Lioness you're being daft, do you really think every person lives in houses according to that 'law'.

[AmyLouKin]

I also have no issue with sharing. It's fine, even in a box room for a few days every year or so, say staying with relatives on holiday! However....... They will be spending lots of time there! I don't think it's really suitable considering your eldest daughters age! As a child I shared a bedroom with my younger brother and sister. We had bunk beds and a single bed and while the room was small we all fitted in ok! However when I was about 11 my parents had an extension built which my brother moved in to. There wasn't a lot of room still but at least we were separate.
I think your ex is being unfair but it might be best to let your children tell him that! It sounds like he will resent it if you (rightfully) have a moan about it! If the children know his plans already can they talk to him and tell him how they feel, if they are unhappy about it, before he moves.
Sorry, bit rambling, rather tired.
Good luck OP.

[TheCraicDealer]

By the time I was eleven I couldn't get a wink if I had to top and tail in a single. Combined with the period thing then it's just a receipe for making her super uncomfortable. Is there another room, like a dining room or separate lounge, where you could have a fold away bed like this? The kids are getting to ages where they take up a lot of room and I don't think any "solution" in this set up is going to be anything other than temporary.

[ProcrastinatorGeneral]

I'd think any parent willing to squeeze three children into a space not fit for one person is a bit of a selfish dick. I'd also give the older child autonomy on whether or not she wants to go at all.

[DotaDay]

Its a bit of a squeeze and it will become more of a problem in a year or so.

I don't know if it's something that would work but how about the kids going at different times. Obviously this might not be practical. It might be nicer for your DD to go on her own and then the two younger ones go seperately.

My Dad lived in a caravan for a bit so we only visited him on our own. I used to love it. I escaped from my brothers and sister and had a great time with my Dad. My Mum didn't work and didn't seem to mind at all.

[UrbaneFox]

I have a son and a daughter and I nearly bought a two bed flat. I was talked out of it. Even though I was going to give the children the bigger room with en suite and put a kind of partition (book shelves? wardrobes) in the middle of the room between the bed.


In your xh's situation I think he could either put the girls in the box room when they're with him and put his step son on a zed bed in the landing or in the sitting room or on the sofa. It's only for two nights a week.

[Lurkedforever1]

Yanbu. If it was the only option financially, then whilst not ideal for older dd it would be better than not staying over at all, and in my mind would involve giving her a sofa bed or similar downstairs, or a high sleeper. And would still not be feasible once 8yr old hits puberty. As he's been renting a 3 bed though I assume it's not unavoidable, therefore he is bu. Possibly because he's not thought through the fact his little girl isn't so little anymore and deserves privacy given it's not unaffordable.

[Sillybillybonker]

I'd think any parent willing to squeeze three children into a space not fit for one person is a bit of a selfish dick. I'd also give the older child autonomy on whether or not she wants to go at all.

Here here!!! Sadly, he has the control here and it could be that he can't be arsed whether they come or not.

[AgentProvocateur]

"UK law". Quite apart from the fact that the "law" is bollocks, there also no such thing as "UK law". I wish people wouldn't post utter crap as fact.

[DepecheNO]

If I were his kids, I would feel like an afterthought. Because we moved into my mum's boyfriend's place, I shared with my 10yo brother when I was 13. It was suffocating. When I got my "own" room at 14, it was still full of stepdad's junk which I wasn't allowed to touch. Couldn't decorate, even though he owned the house, and he seemed to feel that he had the right to enter my room any time with little warning because really it was "his". This was the arrangement with DM and stepdad sleeping on a pull-out sofa bed in the living room! All in all, wasn't much better, particularly because he was rubbing it in that giving me my own space was such an effort. (For other reasons, dealing with puberty in that household was utterly indiscreet and made me paranoid as hell.) Meanwhile, we had our own rooms at my dad's (the old family home), which had been renovated specifically to provide this when we were younger. If your ex has a perfectly good house of his own / can afford to rent somewhere else when his lease is up, personally I think he's being an ass towards your DC, especially the 11yo. 11yo and 8yo will soon be 13 and 10, at which point son may well be uncomfortable too.

[UrbaneFox]

It may not be a broken law but it's the kind of thing that wouldn't look good in a social services report.

[SaucyJack]

No, it's not ok.

Would he be prepared to sleep on a sofa bed in the lounge? The boys could have his bed, and your DD could sleep in the smaller room.

[SoupDragon]

It is completely inappropriate for your DD to share a cramped room with her brothers when she has started her periods. I doubt he has given this aspect any thought at all.

I remember sharing with an older brother on rare occasions, in a good sized double room, and even that was uncomfortable.

[DepecheNO]

Will add that a friend from school would go to her dad's on opposite weekends to her older brothers, sleeping in the same room but not together IYSWIM. She said they were all using the same unwashed bedsheets, but "at least" they weren't there at the same time. This kind of thing can and does happen, and it may be nice for the kids to have the NRP to themselves, but it's still stingy as heck if you can afford separate bedrooms.

[ChickenTikkaMassala]

It's his partners house so I doubt he'll get far if he asks her to sleep on a sofa bed in the living room.

[NoMoreRenting]

Can you possibly meet up with your ex and his DP to discuss this. Does he know dd1 has started her periods? It may be that his DP is more empathetic to that and understands the implications. When I was 11 my periods were very heavy and I leaked a lot and needed to get up to clean up in the night. She cannot be expected to share a bed with a sibling when she is having her period esp if she cannot open the door to access the bathroom regularly. Is your ex and his DP aware of this? Can you explain that it's going to put dd1 off coming?

2yrs down the line there is no way your 13yr old dd will want to share a box room with her 10yr old brother let alone share a bed with her 7yr old sister for 2 straight wks in the summer and probably not even for 2nights each wk.
I think you need to talk to him about it again.

[colley]

The two girls sharing a room is no big deal. But the eldest needs her own bed. I would say to ex partner that with periods girls sometimes leak in the night, and he needs to think how this will work practically with sleeping arrangements.
It sounds such an uncomfortable set up for everyone, that I can't see it lasting long once they have moved into hos new partners house. The DCs stuff is going to be all over the living room and all the DCs will be there all the time as well. So I don't see this arrangement lasting long anyway.

[Toffeelatteplease]

I would say the dp and exh doesn't want them overnight anymore and he is hoping they say they don't want to go making him not the bad guy.