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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

3 DC in a box room, AIBU?

232 replies

Robinredtip · 06/09/2015 11:05

Ex and I get on fine, 4 years post divorce. He rents a house with 3 bedrooms and has done since we divorced.

He has been with his new partner for 2 years, kids like her and they all get on well.

He called last night to say that he and partner are moving in together and would be telling the DC today (was nice of him to call beforehand).

I presumed she would be moving in with him, but he said that he is moving into her house (2 bed, one of which is a box room). I asked how that was going to work with the DC, he said it will be fine we'll work something out. I asked how they were all going to fit in a double room and he then said, "no they are going in the box room" Hmm.

DC have stayed there a few times and two of them sleep in a single bed (top and tail) and 1 of them sleeps on the floor in a sleeping bag.

He said I couldn't expect him and partner to take the box room. I left the conversation at this point and said well you'll have to discuss it with the DC. He thinks there will only be a problem if I "put it into their heads there is a problem"

AIBU to think that it's not OK? They sleep at his 2 nights a week and 2 weeks in the holidays. DD has just started her periods and should have a space of her own and a bed of her own.

OP posts:
Dontlaugh · 06/09/2015 21:20

I don't think there are any princesses here. It is not 1985 - this is not a large family with no resources.
A poster above put it brilliantly - he is putting his dick before his children.
I have no objection to multiple children sharing beds/rooms etc. No royal notions here, believe me. I come from a large Catholic Irish family. Heard, done and seen all of that.
This is 2015 - the OP's ex DP is not destitute, a refugee nor homeless (that we have been told). He has resources. he has chosen to invest them in his penis. THAT is a bit shit, no matter where we all stand on the multiple sharing issue.
If I were the parent of those 3 children, their needs and welfare would dictate my choices in living arrangements until they were of an age where they could choose and provide for their own homes.
The clue is in the word "parent".
As opposed to "knob jockey".

Bambambini · 06/09/2015 21:24

Not 1985? As though that is poverty savage land time? 1985, the year of mind blowing poverty! Are you serious?

Dontlaugh · 06/09/2015 21:24

Bambambini - this is a group of children who have been in a 3 bed house and are now expected to share 3 to a box room for no reason other than Daddy needs a ride.
I think if there are any Princesses here, they are called Daddy.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 06/09/2015 21:26

Bambambini I'm not a princess thanks. As an anti-monarchy type I find it amusing though, so thanks for the giggle.

I stand by my opinion though. These children do not need to be subjected to overcrowding. There are only three of them and they are currently in a position of being able to sleep reasonably well. If their idiot of a father continues with his dick-centric plan he will make them uncomfortable for 2/7ths of their week and a hefty chunk of their holidays. They're being treated as second class subjects purely because their dad and his bit of fluff can't manage to house themselves satisfactorily, despite the fact we have been told there is no financial hardship at play here. That is not the fault of the children and they shouldn't be made to suffer.

I know that if it were my children I'd not see them in such a state. Oh, wait... My children don't sleep at their father's place. He and his wife didn't buy a place big enough for them to have overnight visits. So they don't go. So terribly simple.

Bambambini · 06/09/2015 21:28

No, i thonl some people here have absolutely no fucking idea how some people live. It's not ideal, but hopefully temporary and won't scar them for life.

Dontlaugh · 06/09/2015 21:29

Perhaps you live in Kensington, darling, but the rest of us were riding a recession in Ireland, at any rate, so yes, 1985 a good marker of poverty in this country at any rate. Bed sharing, no beds, depression, alcoholism, no food, addiction, were rife - the usual party starters! Not to mention the concealed pregnancies, the affairs with priests, the butter vouchers,the general unrelenting grinding humiliation of having not a bean.
Hope your own net worth didn't suffer too much around then. Poverty's a cunt!

Artandco · 06/09/2015 21:29

I actually don't see he problem with siblings of different sex sharing a double bed if they are happy to. I'm an adult and would happily still share a bed with my brother or father now if needed. Dh would happily share with his sisters or mother also.

Dontlaugh · 06/09/2015 21:31

i know exactly how very many people live.
i simply wouldn't choose to inflict it on my own children, if I had a choice.
Which the OP's ex DP is CHOOSING to do.
Why can't you understand this is not a thread commenting about the real need that exists, but is a thread about the CHOICES of a parent WHO DOESN'T NEED TO MAKE THESE CHOICES?

Bambambini · 06/09/2015 21:32

What is an anti monarchy type?fucking naval gazing edjits!

Anyone who describes themselves as such, never had to share with siblings.

StarlingMurmuration · 06/09/2015 21:33

I might do it as an adult, but just after I'd started my periods (aged 12), if I was concerned about leaking and smell and changing pads etc, I wouldn't have felt very comfortable. It can be a really awkward age.

Bambambini · 06/09/2015 21:34

This reply has been deleted

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Dontlaugh · 06/09/2015 21:37

That UN Peace Envoy post you got must be working out well, Bambambini? The one in Syria?
Oh wait......

Bambambini · 06/09/2015 21:39

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Bambambini · 06/09/2015 21:40

Oh , being reported by precious princess types!

Flashbangandgone · 06/09/2015 21:42

I'm an adult and would happily still share a bed with my brother or father now if needed.

Eeek... I'm sorry - call me a princess but I'd not be comfortable with this AT ALL!!!

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 06/09/2015 21:44

So from my republican leanings you think you can deduce my past Bambambini? How odd.

No, not odd, fucking stupid.

I've shared with a sibling, I've shared with my children. I just don't think that three children should be made to share a room when there is no need to. You, on the other hand, seem to think that everyone should be fifteen to a mat in a communal house just because somewhere it happened once at some point in history.

Either that, or you're the father or the girlfriend?

Dontlaugh · 06/09/2015 21:45

Nothing would please me more than to be a Princess. Sadly, being Irish, christened Catholic and not knowing one end of a hockey stick from another, I have accepted it will never happen.
I still have my own bed though. And can voice my own opinion. Reckon I won.

riverboat1 · 06/09/2015 21:46

It sounds pretty squashed and cumbersome, but not something to get as worked up about as some of these posts, IMO. OP has said that the children like their dad's DP, and she hasn't suggested he is a bad father in any other way.

OP I think maybe you should let it simmer down for now, and then try to talk to your ex about the eldest DD needing some modicum of manouevrability and privacy and how that could be achieved. There are lots of innovative bedding solutions available, or maybe there are other rooms in the house that could fit a sofa bed or something? I agree with you that they need to be able to keep some stuff there as well.

I think the 'suck it and see' approach is probably going to be the best one, and hopefully if it makes any of the DC really miserable he will try to push forward with buying a permanent, bigger place ASAP.

TenQuidProQuo · 06/09/2015 21:46

Bambini Calm down, you'll do yourself a mischief getting so het up.

I don't think the OP knows her ex's financial situation. He might be skint for all she knows.

NoMoreRenting · 06/09/2015 21:49

In an emergency situation? Sure? As a regular occurrence just because Daddy hasn't thought about the logistics of 3 growing children squashing into a box room? No thanks

Flashbangandgone · 06/09/2015 22:00

Of course people in some parts of the world have to live in very cramped conditions... That's not right though, any more than it's not right for 3 children to sleep in a box room when one of them is coming into puberty, and in a couple of sort years the son will be too.... So what might be at the very bounds of acceptability now must surely be unacceptable in 2+ years.... If they aren't thinking in this timeframe, they are highly irresponsible.

Haffdonga · 06/09/2015 22:06

Not sure I understand the obsession with periods on this thread. Confused
I'm sure many menstruating sisters have shared bedrooms until adulthood without being traumatised or humiliated.

Can't you have a period in a box room?

Louise43210 · 06/09/2015 22:06

I think OP that you will not have to do much here. Your ex and partner will either realise that they have to find a sensible way to make this work and they will eventually do it, if a bit slower than you. Or your children will fuss about it and then they will. Or they will chat away all night and then they will alter things. Personally I would have the girls in a bunk bed in the box room. And then the boy in with his dad and dp or in the lounge on a fold up bed. Then it will give the youngest girl and 8 year old boy chance to go asleep before the 11 year old and adults go to bed (like in my house - split up the little ones!). However you may, as I can tell you realise, want to withhold from giving advise unless asked for! As I say, they'll probably realise in the end that their plans (especially blocking a doorway!) are chaotic! And like you I'M certainly not criticising 3 sharing as I too have done this, but in a box room ... hmm, no!

nooka · 06/09/2015 22:14

Haffdonga the suggestion here is that the 'menstruating sister' would be sharing a bed not just a room, and with a brother, not just a sister.

Not exactly ideal. It really doesn't sound as if the children's needs are being put first.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 06/09/2015 22:17

Ignoring the hysteria....

OP sounds very sensible, letting her kids make their own opinions on the situation. And acknowledges that their reporting isn't always spot on (eg dd2 and the glass ornaments).

There isn't much you can do, short of banning the visits which benefits no one. If DD1 is anxious about her period coming while sharing the bed, help her come up with a plan of what to do if it happens, to reassure her. If she isn't snxious about it then don't bring it up as an issue.

I do think it's a bit off that they can't leave stuff there. I know it's his partners house, but if he's living there it's also his kids house part of the time. It's not a home if you can't leave stuff there (toys, books, clothes).

I hope it's a temporary thing while they see how things work and save for a bigger house.