3 DC in a box room, AIBU?

[Robinredtip]

Ex and I get on fine, 4 years post divorce. He rents a house with 3 bedrooms and has done since we divorced.

He has been with his new partner for 2 years, kids like her and they all get on well.

He called last night to say that he and partner are moving in together and would be telling the DC today (was nice of him to call beforehand).

I presumed she would be moving in with him, but he said that he is moving into her house (2 bed, one of which is a box room). I asked how that was going to work with the DC, he said it will be fine we'll work something out. I asked how they were all going to fit in a double room and he then said, "no they are going in the box room" .

DC have stayed there a few times and two of them sleep in a single bed (top and tail) and 1 of them sleeps on the floor in a sleeping bag.

He said I couldn't expect him and partner to take the box room. I left the conversation at this point and said well you'll have to discuss it with the DC. He thinks there will only be a problem if I "put it into their heads there is a problem"

AIBU to think that it's not OK? They sleep at his 2 nights a week and 2 weeks in the holidays. DD has just started her periods and should have a space of her own and a bed of her own.

[nooka]

Plus an eleven year old isn't necessarily that small. Mine were both fairly close to adult height by then.

[DowntownFunk]

I like the way you cut the rest of my sentence off, about sharing the bed

Ah, point taken. Though I wasn't meaning to warp what you were saying and apologies if it looked like that. The OP said that up til now things were good in that her kids like dad's partner etc. My point was the sleeping arrangements aren't the be all and end all.

Blow up beds no, but a crappy little room that is theirs but in an otherwise good set up, might work.

It's not up to OP though and that's the thing. She may not have any say in the matter.

[LilacRain]

I agree with Downtown. It's not the space that matters, it's how dad and partner treat the kids. If they are loving, fun and welcoming, the space and sleeping arrangements are insignificant.

I think people are projecting an adults' perspective onto it. To an adult the room may well feel 'claustrophobic' and 'not good enough' but it is perfectly adequate for 3 kids. It's not their primary home, it's dad's home where they visit 2 nights a week. Dad and partner live there 7days a week so yes, priority for biggest room should go to the adults! Surely kids can cope with bunk beds or airbeds a couple of nights a week? They can keep most of their possessions in their primary home, where they have space.

would you be truly happy with having to sleep on an airbed twice a week every week
When I left my XH I rented a tiny flat and slept on an air-bed every night for 6months. It wasn't ideal... but it was comfortable and I slept well on it. I got used to it quickly. It also meant I could deflate it during the day to make more space. When you have a tiny living space you have to adapt to it. Kids are good at adapting. They will learn to organise their own stuff (which they should be doing anyway!) And it's not full-time or daily life it's 2 nights a week and occasional holidays!

OP hasn't said the kids must 'live out of a suitcase' but it's fairly obvious they will have less room for toys and clothes than in their dad's previous 3-bed. So it would make sense they choose a few toys/clothes they want to keep at dad's and bring the rest home to mum's, rather than fill new house with clutter. A drawer each is enough space for Pjs, toys and a spare outfit. Presumably dad and partner want to use the box-room as a dressing-room the other 5days a week, why should they empty it completely just so it can be used for kids' storage when kids are not even there?

Their schools will expect them to turn up properly rested, in clean tidy uniform with all the right equipment and homework done
How will any of the above be affected by sleeping in box-room/lounge? Presumably dad/partner will still wash/iron uniforms and provide hangers. Kids can do homework at kitchen table, they can get a good night's sleep (provided they have bedtimes and aren't allowed to mess around in night). Sleeping in bunk beds or an airbed in lounge isn't equivalent to sleeping in the garden! A warm, quiet room with something soft to sleep on and adequate bedding should enable a good night's sleep, regardless of how big the room is or whether it's used as a lounge during the day!

IMO the adults' attitude is the biggest issue here... if OP makes the lack of space into an emotional thing e.g. 'daddy doesn't care about you, he's shoved you in the box-room, you're an obligation' etc the kids will pick up on this and feel unwelcome. They will start to see lack of space as dad not caring, because that's how mum's presenting it to them. However, if she makes light of it and explains it's temporary and doesn't reflect how dad feels about them, that it's just a room, kids will accept it and adapt to less space. Why make it into an issue for them when it doesn't need to be?

[StarlingMurmuration]

FWIW I did all my homework, every night, kneeling up at the coffee table in front of the TV with family life goings around me. I had a large bedroom with a desk upstairs, but I felt isolated up there.

For me, it's not sharing the room that's the problem, it's not having separate beds. If they can fit a three decker bunk in there, that should be fine for a couple of nights a week, if the rest of the home life their father is providing is adequate.

[differentnameforthis]

I'd think any parent willing to squeeze three children into a space not fit for one person is a bit of a selfish dick. Yup. Only on MN would a man who makes a effort to see his kids be called selfish dick! Please. They sleep in the room, they don't live in it. People need to stop over reacting. Plenty of larger families share bedrooms/turn lounge into bedroom with sofa bed etc.

Bunk bed 2 dc in room, and a sofa bed in the lounge for other dc or the adults when the kids stay. I used to do my homework lying on the lounge floor..

Because we moved into my mum's boyfriend's place, I shared with my 10yo brother when I was 13. It was suffocating I am assuming that was full time, which is very different from a few weeks here & there.

I would say the dp and exh doesn't want them overnight anymore and he is hoping they say they don't want to go making him not the bad guy.

It doesn't really sound like he wants them staying anymore

YES!! He obviously hooked up with someone who has a two bed house in order to put into action his long term plan of never having his kids stay over again. Even though he could have just said from the outset that he didn't want them overnight...no....he rents a house large enough for them all, he has them over regularly, over a 4yr period, then seeks out a woman with a small house, to later move in with after two years, in order to kick his kids to the kurb. God, he put a lot of thought & effort into that, didn't he!! [eyeroll]

are now expected to share 3 to a box room for no reason other than Daddy needs a ride. Fuck me, we really need to make him the villain here, don't we!! I think if the op was asking how to fit her three children into a 2bed, because she had to downsize/was moving in with her partner NOT ONE poster would call her what her ex has been called. And people say that MN isn't man hating? When you accuse a father of the things he has been accused of on this thread, it's comes pretty bloody close.

I'm sure many menstruating sisters have shared bedrooms until adulthood without being traumatised or humiliated. I know...it's odd. I have managed to share a bed with my dh now for over 25yrs while having periods. Not to mention with my daughters at various points too. I am pretty sure that I have also shared beds with (mainly female) friends while on my period. She isn't going to be changing pads in bed, or keeping them there. It's just blood, isn't that what we write here when others "ewww" at using a mooncup/reusable protection??

Why can't she move to his 3 bed place? He's being very selfish!* His rental is running out & she owns. RTFT

It's not the space that matters, it's how dad and partner treat the kids. If they are loving, fun and welcoming, the space and sleeping arrangements are insignificant YY! And they will see if it works or not, my 2 of similar age would have NO problem pointing out to me what needed to change if they didn't like something. I am sure that op's dcs will do the same.

[StarlingMurmuration]

Oh come now, differentname. Sharing a room with your brother when menstruating is slightly different to sharing a bed! And it's hardly comparable to sharing with your husband! Saying "It's only blood" is fine when it's your blood on your fingers as an adult - it's very different if you're little more than a child, you've just started menstruating, you leak in bed and your brother starts running around shouting "Ew ew ew, Louise just BLED on me!"

[differentnameforthis]

I think you are exaggerating for effect. She doesn't need to share a bed, and sharing a room isn't going to mean she starts dripping blood on everyone.

[CalmYourselfTubbs]

YANBU.
mind you, i had to manage my periods while sharing a tiny bedroom with an exceptionally and drastically nosey sister (the kind who opens people's bathroom cabinets when she's at their houses).
i was also living a very small house where there was absolutely no privacy whatsoever.
that aside, i suspect that your kids will vote with their feet and eventually stop going to their dads once puberty and privacy become paramount for them.

[Katie2001]

In the one bed flat I live in, a woman used to live there with her partner and her 2 sons, kids in the bedroom, adults on a sofabed in the living room. Sometimes her partner's 3 children would also come. I think they will adapt to the situation, but I am not convinced about a brother and sister sharing a bed at that age.

[nooka]

differentname I think we are all in agreement that the older DD indeed does not need to (and should not) share a bed with her brother. However that is what their father is proposing, so no one is 'exaggerating for effect'

[StarlingMurmuration]

Have you actually read any of the OP's posts, differentname? The father is proposing that the eleven year old girl share a bed with the eight year old boy. She's recently started having periods - it's not out of the bounds of possibility that she might leak when they're in bed together. I think you're being a bit obtuse to suggest this is the same as sharing with your husband.

[LadySheherazade]

Two kid sharing a bed is not on.

Three kids in a box room will work so long as the adults are not precious about sharing other room space.

We have two in a box room, so narrow we had to buy 2 ft 6 bunks, but we had no choice. 4 kids and 3 bedrooms doesn't go, we don't have the money to move. Kids have plenty of space elsewhere.

There's a lot of projecting and making up background stories on this thread.

[sproketmx]

Let him. It's not you that's going to have the headache when they're all fighting and kicking the living shit out of each other crammed in one little room. He is there father and will have to deal with it. It won't take long for him to realise

[differentnameforthis]

StarlingMurmuration No I haven't, I thought I'd just open a thread & start posting...

I am not advocating that she share with her brother, just saying that if she had to, a period would be no barrier to that!

[StarlingMurmuration]

Ah, that's what I thought. Otherwise your posts would have been addressing the OP's actual issue.

[CluckingBelle]

They sleep in the room, they don't live in it. People need to stop over reacting

This! OK so it will be a bit cramped, but it's hardly the end of the world. Isn't quality time with their father more important than ideal sleeping arrangements?

My own experiences include being part of a couple living in a one bedroom flat with one child and one on the way, being in temporary accommodation for for months, myself and three children all in one room with a bathroom and kitchen shared with other families. My 3 children visit their father in his one bedroom flat.

The father says it's not permanent, just while they save up for a Morgan on somewhere bigger. The children will survive. They may even find it fun, and become closer as a result.

[Bambambini]

not perfect but another who grew up with overcrowding. I shared a room with my brother and sister into our teens. The family next to us had 7 kids in a two bed house so all together in one room I'd imagine. Brothers and sisters sharing a room as adults was fairly common. It's not ideal but it didn't kill us and these kids are still young - it probably won't be long term.

[SmugairleRoin]

Agree - maybe this is short term, though not perfect. He can always get bunk beds, after all. Me and my brother shared a room when we were kids - did us no harm.

They won't be spending all day in the room, anyway.

[ChickenTikkaMassala]

I agree with differentnameforthis, some people really want to make the ex DH out to be a bastard.

[differentnameforthis]

starlingMurmuration No I haven't, I thought I'd just open a thread & start posting...

Sorry, I forgot that people can't read sarcasm.

[Hannahfftl]

I used to have bunk beds with a pull out single underneath the bottom bunk, a real space saver and each child gets their own space. Would that be an option?

[Hannahfftl]

www.very.co.uk/kidspace-georgie-solid-pine-bunk-bed-frame-with-storage-and-guest-bed/742273535.prd?gclid=Cj0KEQjwvdSvBRDahavi3KPGrvUBEiQATZ9v0B7q6aik5FFb8d_nKcsSQYfJiLTLftln6SHpVTh1fsgaAtvZ8P8HAQ&kpid=13604743#sku=sku13604743?aff=google&affsrc=acquisition&cm_mmc=google--PLA+-+Generic--All+Products-_-_85148810338&k_clickid=kenshoo_clickid something like this?

[VimFuego101]

Lots of people have no choice but to have their kids sleep in one room. Fair enough. The thing I can't quite get my head around is that the dad has a good sized house and is choosing to give it up and squash the kids into a box room. I know it's not always easy to rent out a mortgaged property but if that's an option I think it would make more sense for her to move in with him.