To think my ex is being a selfish bastard for wanting to see less of his kids now he has remarried

[Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy]

My ex was always very hands-on with the kids and when we split up I promised him he could see the kids whenever he wanted (I am prime carer as he has the career). For the past 4 years he has seen my boys every weekend - he has now moved away from the family home so I've always had them Mon-Fri then they go to his for the weekend, which also works for me as I have to work every Saturday in order to make ends meet. A few months ago he remarried and reassured the boys that nothing would change. They adore their father and look forward to seeing him on a Friday and get very upset if there is any change in this arrangement, which happens from time to time.

So far this has worked well, I work six days a week and have Sunday to recharge, get jobs done, see friends etc. Works for me, works for him, works for the boys.

However having the new wife has changed this and he now wants to formally change things so that the kids come back a day early every other Saturday so the boys will only have 24 hours with him instead of 48 and he gets a day of "grown-up time" with his wife (what so the other five days are not enough...?).

From a purely selfish point of view I'm gutted as this means I lose my "day off" from work and kids, which means so much to me, especially having a boy with special needs, and have been having some behavioural problems with the other one also. I get no break otherwise as family are not around to help. Also I think the boys will react really badly - the new wife arrives, they get pushed out...

I've told him that the boys are going to feel really hurt and rejected but he is determined to go through with the change and "manage" their anger and sadness. He also proposes lying to them by not telling them outright that things are changing but just every other week saying oh this week you are going to be with mummy on a Sunday.

I do understand though that he needs some time for himself and for his new relationship. Tell me, am I being unreasonable, or is he?

The very fact that he wants you and him to lie to the boys about reducing contact, proves he knows damned bloody well he's in the wrong.

It's grim. He's planning to phase his own kids out, like people do to friends they have grown apart from. :(

Op yanbu

Bath time speaks sense.

You can't make a nrp see their dc.

You can't make a nrp do the decent thing. No matter how good a parent he was that has now changed.

Prepare for less contact. Prepare for him to put the burden on you. Prepare ypurself for the upset it will cause your dc.

In fact dong rely on your ex at all. Very hard and hurtful but there is nothing at all you can do to make hot ex see his kids.

When your dc are older they will rember who was there for them.

It is awful and unjust.

Your ex is one of many many twats.

Can people stop comparing single parents to couples.

It is not the same .
I speak from experience.

Your dc knowing your father is at work so won't see you today is not the same as your father has fucked off and is now living with another woman and doesn't want to see you .

I think some people on here are being unnecessarily harsh. The OP's ex hasn't "fucked off", he works full time and has seen the DC every single weekend for both days for the last 4 years! The arrangement the OP has had for the last 4 years is unusual. I am a single parent, I know lots of single parents. Most people do every other weekend, plus time in the holidays. Yes, it's not ideal, I would have preferred shared 50/50 custody with my ex, but the reality is this doesn't happen for most people. My DC still have a good relationship with their dad. It works for us.

Personally I think the biggest problem is the OP working on Saturdays. If she could find a way round that, either through increased tax credits, getting a different job, or ex paying more maintenance, then she wouldn't feel like she was losing her one day off a week.

Okay be in this instance but there are thousands of men who do leave their families for another woman.

I am making the point that being a single parent is not the same as being on a couple .
The two are not comparable.

Ahh, ok I see what you're saying now. You're right it's totally not the same thing.

Wow. I had no idea about this 'child free day every other weekend' thing. I must speak to DP about locking the DSs in the shed tomorrow so we can implement it immediately.

Living apart from your children shouldn't be seen as some sort of bonus situation in which you somehow get to revert to pre-child life every other week. You're still a parent and you still have 24/7 responsibility for those children, just as when you were living with them.

The OP is doing the vast majority of the care for the children and she's doing it single-handed, while working 6 days a week. Her ex should be asking what he can do to help her out, not whining about needing time off from his already part-time parenting.

I can't imagine he's the most hands-on stepfather to his wife's child, so he's probably not on his knees with exhaustion by the weekend. I would imagine the OP is.

He needs to grow up and remember that he didn't stop being a full-time parent when he moved away.

Onedirection I completely agree. Posters like Penelope really iritate me and having a lazy husband who won't help is not the same as being a single parent.

My ex quite often says 'I can't have the boys' on some of his eow as he is away, playing rugby, doing his own thing. I laugh at the suggestions the op can just say no.... My ex wouldn't get childcare he would just fail to collect them.

I do agree with telling them the truth though. I used to make excuses but I don't anymore....

campervan he did "fuck off". He moved far away so that he cannot see his dc in the week. Hence this situation

yabu op. some of mn has declared that you are being unreasonable working on a saturday, which you are, apparently, just doing for the hell of it. instead of trying to feed the children

Offer him once a month sunday free and increased time in the holidays along with the extra maintenance to make it work. I suspect that he will not play ball and quote having an extra child to support.

I can see both sides and initially thought he is not being unreasonable to want 2 free days per month and on the face of it I still think that. But then I factored in everyone else's needs and the impact it has on them and it seems less reasonable.

I would try to negotiate it to one Sunday per month but he makes the time up during the holidays. Then that Sunday a month instead of feeling hard done to about losing your child free time (I would so in your circumstances too) try to make it a special day with the kids so cheap days out or a pj and dvd day where housework is just the bare minimum and you just chill together for that one day. Real quality time. Make it something positive for the boys instead of being about their dad not wanting them. But be totally with them about whose choice it was.

Wow. I had no idea about this 'child free day every other weekend' thing. I must speak to DP about locking the DSs in the shed tomorrow so we can implement it immediately.

In know, what an eye opener this thread has been.

My brother has his son every single weekend. Id he wants a night out he gets a babysitter, normally me. He would not decide that because he fancies a night off the rp should be the one picking up the slack.
I don't fancy doing school runs anymore. I'm just gonna stop and my ex will have to do it. He's gotta be flexible right?

Deciding to see less of somebody and lying to them about it to make it seem like it's just a coincidence that you have less time for them is pretty much the definition of phasing somebody out.

To do that to your own kids is something only a cunt would suggest.

kungfupanda yy you're right. Single parents have it easy don't they. Swanning around without the kids

The acrimony between nrp and rps astounds me. I bet that is far more damaging to dc, than being at the nrps one less day a week. Dc pick up on all the vileness.

Of course - children will not notice or care about their Dad having less time for them.

If there is any acrimony at all, it will be their mother's fault. Obviously. Introducing "vileness" into the perfectly normal situation of a parent seeing 25% less of their children.

Why not be a good little woman and tell the lies and keep smiling and never blame the man for letting his childre down.

If they are sad, it must be your fault.

Because you are their proper parent.

Dad is an optional extra - nice to have if he can be arsed.

But Jesus, don't rely on it. He's got every right to lose interest.

Why does it have to be a competition between 1 and 2 parent families? To say single parents have it worse, have to struggle more. Everyone tries their hardest with the hand dealt to them. Whether it is on their own or with someone, working or not, with someone who is around alot or never there. Supportive or not.having friends and family or no help, financial difficulties or health issues.
I guess I am saying to the few posters who have commented about single parents to 'wind your neck in!'

My DH is more of a hinderance most of the time ;) x

This thread has gotten way more complicated then it needs to be.

The basics of the OP was that the mum doesn't want to lose her child free day and her ex wants to have a child free day.

Now, really, neither should feel entitled to a child free day. They have children.

But, if one gets a child (and work) free day then why shouldn't the other?

It just seems like a pointless argument really.

Holiday care is a totally separate discussion however and the ex should be doing more of that.