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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my ex is being a selfish bastard for wanting to see less of his kids now he has remarried

271 replies

Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 15:04

My ex was always very hands-on with the kids and when we split up I promised him he could see the kids whenever he wanted (I am prime carer as he has the career). For the past 4 years he has seen my boys every weekend - he has now moved away from the family home so I've always had them Mon-Fri then they go to his for the weekend, which also works for me as I have to work every Saturday in order to make ends meet. A few months ago he remarried and reassured the boys that nothing would change. They adore their father and look forward to seeing him on a Friday and get very upset if there is any change in this arrangement, which happens from time to time.

So far this has worked well, I work six days a week and have Sunday to recharge, get jobs done, see friends etc. Works for me, works for him, works for the boys.

However having the new wife has changed this and he now wants to formally change things so that the kids come back a day early every other Saturday so the boys will only have 24 hours with him instead of 48 and he gets a day of "grown-up time" with his wife (what so the other five days are not enough...?).

From a purely selfish point of view I'm gutted as this means I lose my "day off" from work and kids, which means so much to me, especially having a boy with special needs, and have been having some behavioural problems with the other one also. I get no break otherwise as family are not around to help. Also I think the boys will react really badly - the new wife arrives, they get pushed out...

I've told him that the boys are going to feel really hurt and rejected but he is determined to go through with the change and "manage" their anger and sadness. He also proposes lying to them by not telling them outright that things are changing but just every other week saying oh this week you are going to be with mummy on a Sunday.

I do understand though that he needs some time for himself and for his new relationship. Tell me, am I being unreasonable, or is he?

OP posts:
Lucked · 04/09/2015 15:58

could he pick them up on a Saturday morning rather than Friday night eow so he gets some Friday nights off?

NewMrsX · 04/09/2015 15:59

Surely the ops grown up time is every other weekend on a Sunday, same as ex?

Original poster
Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 15:59

BarbarianMum, what I want/need is irrelevant as far as he is concerned, I have told him though that he must in no way explain the change to the kids as it coming from me as I don't want them blaming me for less time with their dad as I would never take their time away from him

OP posts:
mysteryfairy · 04/09/2015 16:02

Do your DC mind never being in their home area at weekends? They must miss out on a lot of parties, sleepovers etc

I think of your DH is insisting you have no choice but to make the best of it so I would
Tell your boys the new arrangement - why should you deal with ongoing fallout of confusion, disappointment, uncertainty when he ships them off home early
Ask for any appropriate maintenance increase
Consider whether this changes school holidays arrangements. He must have annual leave so perhaps he needs to take it then and step up with the boys
Look into any activities they could do locally (e.g. Football on a Sunday am)
Take heart - not sure which boy has SN and what it is but otherwise as they go through the teen years the amount of input your DC you give your DC at weekends will decrease as they lay in bed half the day, don't want family outings etc
Do your best to ensure the arrangement never coincides with when the step daughter is with her other parent (this last might be a bit evil)

Original poster
Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 16:02

NewMrsX - yes, however, my point is that I work six days, have the kids the rest of the time, apart from the Sunday, plus all the school holidays, the only time I get to myself is the Sunday. He can go out any evening he chooses, or if he has annual leave he can do as he pleases, I can't. I've just had six weeks of kids full-time and much as I love them it has just about done my head in!

OP posts:
Original poster
Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 16:05

Lol mysteryfairy - they are timing it carefully so that all kids are gone on the same day!

OP posts:
Original poster
Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 16:06

I am looking for work that I could do on a Friday night - retail, catering, service stations, I don't really care, anything to free up my Saturday, but work opportunities are few and far between where I live, also it seems it is cheaper to pay a 16-24 year old these days so they get chosen over me!

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 04/09/2015 16:08

Yes, except she has them 11 days out of 14 and he has them 3. Which is pretty shit unbalanced.

Original poster
Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 16:10

Someone suggested childminding and I look into it this but because of my special needs child this wasn't possible

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 04/09/2015 16:10

Why doesn't he use his annual leave to have some time with them in school holidays?

NewMrsX · 04/09/2015 16:10

I still can't see that what he is proposing is that unfair though. You get a Friday and Saturday evening to yourself as well as all day Sunday whereas he works 5 days then has the boys the other 2. To me being able to go out on a weekday eve is not as valuable as a weekend night or a day off.

I agree he should step up during holidays though so you both get some free weeks. I can see the change is going to be hard though for you and the boys so I wish you luck with finding a compromise

MistressMerryWeather · 04/09/2015 16:14

The weekends are his time with the children.

If he wants 'grown up time' he needs to arrange somewhere for them to go.

It's not your problem, make that totally clear.

no73 · 04/09/2015 16:14

Yes he is being a selfish prick and all these people saying he is entitled to kid free time WTF!!! He had children, he's responsible for them as much as the OP. He chose to move away so it can't be 50/50 the least he can do is look after his children at the weekends.

I feel for you OP. My DS has no contact with his selfish prick of a father as it would mean his social life/time with his wife would be disrupted.

fabuLou · 04/09/2015 16:15

It seems more than fair to me. Confused Don't youwant to spend a day with your dcs?

Original poster
Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 16:18

fabuLou - I look after my kids after school and all the holidays, I just spent six weeks with them, I see plenty of them :)

OP posts:
fabuLou · 04/09/2015 16:21

Most of the year the dcs are at school during the week. Does he have them at all in holidays?

Original poster
Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 16:22

He had them for a week earlier this year!

OP posts:
Wewereneverbeingboring · 04/09/2015 16:22

I don't think it's unreasonable for your ex to want eow as that's the standard pattern for contact, but part of that standard pattern is that he has them half the holidays. Maybe put that to him? He can't just cherry pick the bits he wants (well actually he can legally, that's the problem).

Fwiw having the evenings free is not the same as having weekends, otherwise surely we wouldn't need weekends at all - we'd just work shorter hours 7 days a week.

Nabootique · 04/09/2015 16:22

I'm assuming he has around 4 weeks holiday a year? How can he not take ANY time off during the 6 week break to spend time with them?? Shock

fabuLou · 04/09/2015 16:22

That great that you feel happy with the amount of time you see them, I personally wouldn't be. You seem to have had it good so far, time to bend a bit.

NatalieMc82 · 04/09/2015 16:22

Why don't you try what he is suggesting for a period of say six months and agree that at the end of that you will sit down and discuss how it has worked for all the adults and dcs? He may find that he has missed his time with his boys, or you may find that you have loved your family Sundays. I do agree though with pps who have said that you need to be clear with the children about what the new plans are - the not knowing what to expect would definitely cause anxiety.

fabuLou · 04/09/2015 16:25

what nabootique said

BathtimeFunkster · 04/09/2015 16:27

So his plan is to change his contact arrangement permanently so that he sees less of his sons, but to lie to them and just pretend "something came up" every fortnight? Hmm

Wow, he's Dad of the year, isn't he?

He's actually going to put his new wife (who knew all about his contact arrangements with his sons) ahead of what is best for his kids, and is going to lie to them about their lives so they don't realise what a shit he his.

I don't think there's a lot you can do other than insist on more maintenance and cushion your children from the future heartbreak coming down the line for them from this pair of selfish shits.

Original poster
Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 16:31

Nabootique he is too busy holidaying with his new family it seems :(

OP posts:
MistressMerryWeather · 04/09/2015 16:35

Why is the onus of this on the OP?

If DH and I want to spend some alone time together we get a sitter. Presumably OP would have to do the same if she had to do something during the week.

There is an arrangement in place and he should stick to it.

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