To think my ex is being a selfish bastard for wanting to see less of his kids now he has remarried

[Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy]

My ex was always very hands-on with the kids and when we split up I promised him he could see the kids whenever he wanted (I am prime carer as he has the career). For the past 4 years he has seen my boys every weekend - he has now moved away from the family home so I've always had them Mon-Fri then they go to his for the weekend, which also works for me as I have to work every Saturday in order to make ends meet. A few months ago he remarried and reassured the boys that nothing would change. They adore their father and look forward to seeing him on a Friday and get very upset if there is any change in this arrangement, which happens from time to time.

So far this has worked well, I work six days a week and have Sunday to recharge, get jobs done, see friends etc. Works for me, works for him, works for the boys.

However having the new wife has changed this and he now wants to formally change things so that the kids come back a day early every other Saturday so the boys will only have 24 hours with him instead of 48 and he gets a day of "grown-up time" with his wife (what so the other five days are not enough...?).

From a purely selfish point of view I'm gutted as this means I lose my "day off" from work and kids, which means so much to me, especially having a boy with special needs, and have been having some behavioural problems with the other one also. I get no break otherwise as family are not around to help. Also I think the boys will react really badly - the new wife arrives, they get pushed out...

I've told him that the boys are going to feel really hurt and rejected but he is determined to go through with the change and "manage" their anger and sadness. He also proposes lying to them by not telling them outright that things are changing but just every other week saying oh this week you are going to be with mummy on a Sunday.

I do understand though that he needs some time for himself and for his new relationship. Tell me, am I being unreasonable, or is he?

Bathtime because he has his DSD Sun-Thu.

Most married couples with children have already had child free time together pre-DC. Or are a stepfamily with the usual eow or week on/week off contact arrangement.

Most married couples with children have already had child free time together pre-DC

Yup.

And couples who already have children when they meet can't unhave them, they just have to get on with things with the children they've got.

The idea that their children should lose contact time to make up for the inconvenience of having been born before they met is really quite extraordinary.

But surely this is something he should have thought about before getting married to someone with a young child?

I'm not sure why OP and her sons should change their lives because of his choices.

They need to be the ones to sort things out, it's not up to the OP to improve their marriage. They need to sort out their own childcare.

Have you tried claiming disability benefits for your son?
My friend has a son with Autism and she went through the Autistic Society for help (he was about 9 at the time). They were brilliant and helped her fill in the claim form. She now gets and extra £400 a month tax free to help with the hidden costs of raising a child with special needs. This money is to help so you have more options, and it sounds as though its needed. I wish you all the best, its not an easy journey x

Like I said most stepfamiles will have the usual eow or week on/week off contact arrangement.

Why are people talking like the OP's sons wouldn't benefit from spending whole days with their mother more regularly than the every six weeks or so between school holidays? The solution to me would be eow on the proviso that he does his fair share of holidays too.

Why wouldn't the childcare solution work in your mind Wewere?

Be needs to have them one weeknight evening as well and pay you more maintenance for dropping two days a month.

And not lie to his kids.

Is he also intending to increase his maintenance payments to allow for the fact that you are taking on more of his share of the child-raising? Is there any hope (I know it's unlikely) that he would pay sufficiently more that you could stop working on a Saturday?

And have you recently looked at how much he should pay in child support now? You can't force him to want to parent his own kids, sad though it is, but you could negotiate for fair compensation for doing his job for him.

But seriously, he and his wife have 3 children between them, why would it cross their minds that they could get any adult time? Are they hard of thinking?

Why are people talking like the OP's sons wouldn't benefit from spending whole days with their mother more regularly than the every six weeks or so between school holidays?

Because we trust said mother to know what is best for her sons and believe her when she says they already see a lot of each other?

Because the boys are happy and want to keep seeing their Dad?

Because not of the boys has autism and changes to his routine are traumatic for him?

Because maybe it's a really good idea for children to see their father as much as possible if they don't live with him and it can be arranged?

Because maybe it is especially important for boys approaching their teenage years to have plenty of time with their father?

Bathtime- I am not judging them on different standards. They would both be having every other Sunday off. It's not too much to ask. She still gets completely free time Friday to Saturday too. He has a step daughter so he will only have every other Sunday free.
Why be difficult, things change?
I honestly don't know why op doesn't want to see her kids every other Sunday? They are at school all week. Does she not want to have quality time with them? I know she has them holidays but that is not all the time. Plus she mentioned he took them on holiday so he does have a share of holiday care too.she could increase that.

He has a step daughter so he will only have every other Sunday free.

If you think the important thing here is fair allocation of time away from children, you know nothing about being a parent.

Lots off its she doesn't have those days free she is working.
Why aren't you asking why doesn't the father want his children more than 6 nights a month?

mistress because childcare still wouldn't give them a child free day during the weekend.

bathtime my DH and I had a similar scenario with his DC and their mum, we had the DC every single week Thu-Sun. DCs mum wanted this arrangement because her own DP struggled with having the kids around. In the end we went to Thu-Fri one week followed by Thu-Sun the next, the DC were originally resistant because they don't like change but now really appreciate having regular quality time with their mum and everyone on all sides is happier now.

Oswin-I can read.she has Friday night and before and after work on Saturday, plus alternate Sundays.
Op said he lives too far to have them week nights?
Bathtime-they both have alternate Sundays off.why are you being weirdly defensive with me? Op was posting about wanting Sundays free.I was pointing out that she still would have free time.does the dad not deserve free time either? Free of work or kids or step kids?
Questioning my parenting skills too is a little strange as you have nothing to base this opinion on.

If he hadn't chose to move away he could have had more equal shared care. He chose to move though so the least he could do Is every weekend.
Why does it not puzzle you that a parent would choose to move away so could only see there children 8 nights a week, and then move that Down to 6 nights.
Op didn't post here for criticism she wanted a moan.
She does the parenting single handedly all week. The hard bits. She deserves the break.
Ah but she's a woman she should obv want to be with her kids every weekend. Sorry but not all parents feel that way.

Op can moan.all I said was it was fair to alternate the Sundays.the arrangement was made 4 years ago. Things change.he probably didn't move away deliberately to reduce contact! She said she lives in the middle of nowhere so he moved where he could? I don't know. As for her being a women and having to spend every weekend with her kids......I never said that. She doesn't spend any of the weekend with her kids. She works hard, yes, I am not disputing that but I never said a women must do xyz....

The OP has already said that she lives where she does because her dh got a job there, and so moved the family. Then after they broke up he moved away. It was his choice to move, leaving his ex to look after their children all week, and presumably his choice to leave her in a position where she has to work an extra job in order to support their children, so that she only has one day off a weekend.

The OP has one day a week respite with no other support. Cutting that down to every other week is a very big deal for her, but a nice to have for her ex . It's also a very big deal for her boys, especially given that they will apparently react so badly to the change that the ex wants to pretend it's not happening. So likely the 'nice Sunday with mum' will actually be very stressful and unhappy all round.

I find it very hard to understand why anyone thinks EOW is an OK arrangement for children. To go from living with a parent every day to seeing them for 2 days out of every 14, how is that a good outcome for a child or being a good parent? It's very very part time.

Anyone who thinks that the OP refusing to accommodate these changes means they won't happen is living in dreamland. :(

I have a friend who has one DS with SN. His father has moved in with the OW and manages somehow to fuck up almost every single access time he has with his son, ending up with him coming home early, being too anxious to go to his father's new place, refusing to stay overnight or something else - almost every time. He was supposed to go to his grandmother's for a week over the holidays - he was back after a couple of days because of things that weren't done to accommodate his SN issues.

It's very easy for the NRP to dump their children back on to the RP when it suits them. Less easy for the RP to refuse.

No, there is no point in refusing to accommodate these changes.

The only things the OP can do are

1 be very clear with her ex that in choosing his new wife ahead of his sons, he is being a shit parent

2 demand more maintenance and holiday time, possibly up to asking for mediation to work out a new fair deal

3 be completely honest with her sons about what is happening, and why (should they ask)

4 prepare for further reductions in contact and maintenance as he continues to prioritise his new family over his children

If there is one thing that grinds my gears on MN it's posters in relationships with the father of their children saying they are "just like single parents " and know what it's like because their oh works long hours or whatever. You don't know.

DoMoreOf The very fact that he wants you and him to lie to the boys about reducing contact, proves he knows damned bloody well he's in the wrong. What a cunt...

As a PP mentioned, it might be harder to be the parent who is always there for the boys no matter what, but they will get older and realise just who was the constant parent and will appreciate it in years to come and that is absolutely priceless.

It's probably hollow consolation right now, but you are giving them a precious grounding that they will come to realise he didn't want to or couldn't be bothered to do. It is indeed a huge thing. You keep being you OP.