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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my ex is being a selfish bastard for wanting to see less of his kids now he has remarried

271 replies

Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 15:04

My ex was always very hands-on with the kids and when we split up I promised him he could see the kids whenever he wanted (I am prime carer as he has the career). For the past 4 years he has seen my boys every weekend - he has now moved away from the family home so I've always had them Mon-Fri then they go to his for the weekend, which also works for me as I have to work every Saturday in order to make ends meet. A few months ago he remarried and reassured the boys that nothing would change. They adore their father and look forward to seeing him on a Friday and get very upset if there is any change in this arrangement, which happens from time to time.

So far this has worked well, I work six days a week and have Sunday to recharge, get jobs done, see friends etc. Works for me, works for him, works for the boys.

However having the new wife has changed this and he now wants to formally change things so that the kids come back a day early every other Saturday so the boys will only have 24 hours with him instead of 48 and he gets a day of "grown-up time" with his wife (what so the other five days are not enough...?).

From a purely selfish point of view I'm gutted as this means I lose my "day off" from work and kids, which means so much to me, especially having a boy with special needs, and have been having some behavioural problems with the other one also. I get no break otherwise as family are not around to help. Also I think the boys will react really badly - the new wife arrives, they get pushed out...

I've told him that the boys are going to feel really hurt and rejected but he is determined to go through with the change and "manage" their anger and sadness. He also proposes lying to them by not telling them outright that things are changing but just every other week saying oh this week you are going to be with mummy on a Sunday.

I do understand though that he needs some time for himself and for his new relationship. Tell me, am I being unreasonable, or is he?

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/09/2015 20:43

Or he could just arange childcare for the time he wants child free

lunar1 · 04/09/2015 20:53

There is a difference between being flexible and one person making decisions that effect everyone. He moved a long way away so can never be a dad in the week. He marries someone and then decides with no conversation to change a 4 year arrangement, it's not like he can compensate in the week due to the difference.

He is not asking the op to be flexible he is asking to dictate to the op.

lunar1 · 04/09/2015 20:54

Distance not difference!

PenelopeChipShop · 04/09/2015 20:55

No I am not ignorant. No my husband would not do either of those things because he is never ever here. And when he is he doesn't take care of the dc. dont assume that because someone is married they have any help with work or dc. A whole day off a week is unbelievable white frankly and in the OP's situation I'd want a weekend day with them personally.

Spotifymuse · 04/09/2015 20:56

Campervan your post is beyond patronising.
As long as the Op is 'reasonable' as just doing what is dictated. To hell with how it impacts on the kids. And the fact that the Ex wants to lie demonstrates clearly that even he knows he's being a selfish arse.

NatalieMc82 · 04/09/2015 20:56

I'm sorry if my earlier comment translated as anyone not loving their children, that was totally not what I meant..
As far as I see it the exh is NBU to want adult time with his wife - perhaps he wants this marriage to succeed where the previous one failed.. The OP is NBU to want time to herself.. HOWEVER weekend time with the children is precious and entirely different to the mad rush of school days.. I'm a single parent too and would HATE to lose my Sundays with my boys. But it still remains that neither parent seems to want to spend that time with those children. If I only had one day off from work a week I would be devastated not to spend it with my kids. You've done it this way for four years. Change is difficult. But maybe you can see this as two extra days quality time with your kids every single month. Lots of parents (resident or non-resident, male or female) would love that.
But genuine apologies if I caused offence.

MistressMerryWeather · 04/09/2015 20:58

Sorry, I should clarify when I said he has five child free nights I meant from his own sons.

The fact that he is now with someone with a young child who is taking up all his adult time during the week is just too bad.

His children shouldn't have to suffer for his choices nor should OP.

Original poster
Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 20:59

I've just had them for all six weeks of the summer holidays NatalieMc82, their dad did not even have them all of every weekend, he's asked to pick them up later or bring them back early all summer.

OP posts:
campervan67 · 04/09/2015 21:02

Erm... I didn't say the OP should do what is dictated, I suggested she use it as a starting point to negotiate other changes, such as the exH having the DC in the holidays, or increasing the maintenance payments so she doesn't have to work on Saturdays. And my comments about mudslinging were directed at all the other posters, not the OP! I am a single parent, there have been times my ex and I have not agreed on what is reasonable contact. But if I just threw my toys out of the pram and told him he was a bastard, as other posters seem to be suggesting the OP should do, it wouldn't have helped anyone.

MistressMerryWeather · 04/09/2015 21:04

Domore, have you ever said no when he asks to pick them up/bring them back?

What would happen if you did say 'Sorry, that doesn't work for me'?

Original poster
Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 21:11

MistressMerryWeather I have sometimes said sorry I've got plans if I genuinely have plans and have to go out/won't be back in time, but I'm too nice and I'm one of these people that stupidly thinks if you are helpful and accommodating with people they will return the favour. I'm such a mug. But assuming these changes go ahead it won't be happening any more.

OP posts:
NatalieMc82 · 04/09/2015 21:11

And if you read my previous comment I said that the holiday situation should definitely be revisited if the term time contact changed.
I would have adored to have had six weeks of the children over the summer, all to myself (I realise that would have been selfish and that the father son time they had was hugely beneficial, but it would have made me very happy though).
I am honestly not trying to upset you, I'm just saying look at this from another angle. Make your sons see those Sundays as special time with you, not the day that daddy didn't want them.

NatalieMc82 · 04/09/2015 21:14

Ps, one of the best pieces of advice I was given in the minefield of exes, contact, all that was "you can't change other people's actions, but you can change your own reactions".
And whoever is or isn't BU here, I sincerely hope you can work something out that you and your children are happy with. x

MistressMerryWeather · 04/09/2015 21:17

Just keep in mind these changes don't have to go ahead.

You can tell him it's not going to work for you and it wouldn't be best for the boys.

You both have an arrangement and you both need to agree to change it.

Notimefortossers · 04/09/2015 21:25

I feel for you OP. YANBU in my opinion. It doesn't really matter whether or not your initial arrangement was fair or not (I think it's fine) it's the arrangement that's been in place for years and he doesn't get to change it because he'd prefer it differently now . . . particularly not with an autistic son! I've worked with ASD for years and for anyone that doesn't know (which presumably you ex should!) one of ASD's key factors is that they find security in routine and can (depending on the severity of the disorder) go completely bat shit mental at the slightest change to that! (Forgive my highly unprofessional terminology ;) )

Just out of interest . . . how did you end up living so far away from your friends and family and in an area with no jobs or childcare? Seems a silly place to live to me! Screw moving closer to him, but what about moving closer to your family so you and the boys have some sort of support network? I know it will be difficult for your son, but you can get through it and you all probably would be better off for it in the long run.

DixieNormas · 04/09/2015 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notimefortossers · 04/09/2015 21:43

Yes I know. I did address that. I just think that potentially the benefits of being close to family and friends for all of them could outweigh the hardship of dealing with the move for her son. He will find it hard, but he will adapt eventually. I wouldn't put him through it in order to move closer to the selfish ex that might well move again .. . but for family, friends and a support network for them all? . . . Maybe?

lotsoffunandgames · 04/09/2015 21:54

Op, you get Friday night, saturday and sunday off each week. He works during the week and has the children all his spare time at the weekend from Friday night. It is reasonable for him to have one day a fortnight with his wife. You still get one day a fortnight off too. I don't see the problem.
You are annoyed he wants to change the arrangement but that happens.as time goes on and things change. I used to see my dad every Sunday when my parents split. Then it was eow after a while. I accepted it and didn't think he loved me less.
Perhaps work out how much 26 days is financially and get him to pay you more. You could take paid leave on your Saturday job sometimes?

Original poster
Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 21:54

I moved for the ex's job, Notimefortossers!!

OP posts:
Notimefortossers · 04/09/2015 21:57

Everyone seems to keep completely missing the fact that OP covers the entire 14 weeks school holidays a year by herself!

MistressMerryWeather · 04/09/2015 22:04

Or he could pay a babysitter.

lotsoffunandgames · 04/09/2015 22:06

School holidays are a completely different thing. That can be discussed as a separate issue regardless of weekend contact.op you just need to have a conversation with him.

DixieNormas · 04/09/2015 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BathtimeFunkster · 04/09/2015 22:21

Op, you get Friday night, saturday and sunday off each week. He works during the week and has the children all his spare time at the weekend from Friday night.

You seem to be judging them by different standards.

If he "works all week" and she "works 6 days including Saturday", then how is it that her Friday night off is worth a mention but his Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights off aren't?

Why is it so terrible that all his free time at the weekend is spent with his children at home? Isn't that just a normal situation for a parent?

Why doesn't it matter that all of her free time five days a week is spent with her children, if it's so terrible for him to have them in his home for two days?

It is reasonable for him to have one day a fortnight with his wife.

He has 14 days a fortnight with his wife. There are just children around. Like it is for most married couples with children.

MistressMerryWeather · 04/09/2015 22:28

Dixie and Bath you shall now be renamed Sense and Reason in my book.

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