To think my ex is being a selfish bastard for wanting to see less of his kids now he has remarried

[Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy]

My ex was always very hands-on with the kids and when we split up I promised him he could see the kids whenever he wanted (I am prime carer as he has the career). For the past 4 years he has seen my boys every weekend - he has now moved away from the family home so I've always had them Mon-Fri then they go to his for the weekend, which also works for me as I have to work every Saturday in order to make ends meet. A few months ago he remarried and reassured the boys that nothing would change. They adore their father and look forward to seeing him on a Friday and get very upset if there is any change in this arrangement, which happens from time to time.

So far this has worked well, I work six days a week and have Sunday to recharge, get jobs done, see friends etc. Works for me, works for him, works for the boys.

However having the new wife has changed this and he now wants to formally change things so that the kids come back a day early every other Saturday so the boys will only have 24 hours with him instead of 48 and he gets a day of "grown-up time" with his wife (what so the other five days are not enough...?).

From a purely selfish point of view I'm gutted as this means I lose my "day off" from work and kids, which means so much to me, especially having a boy with special needs, and have been having some behavioural problems with the other one also. I get no break otherwise as family are not around to help. Also I think the boys will react really badly - the new wife arrives, they get pushed out...

I've told him that the boys are going to feel really hurt and rejected but he is determined to go through with the change and "manage" their anger and sadness. He also proposes lying to them by not telling them outright that things are changing but just every other week saying oh this week you are going to be with mummy on a Sunday.

I do understand though that he needs some time for himself and for his new relationship. Tell me, am I being unreasonable, or is he?

Os I am a rp, my ex had an affair, moved 200 miles away and sees the DC every other weekend. It has been tough, but the arrangement we have now works for everyone and the DC do have a relationship with their dad.

I do think there are some nrps who are complete shits. But, going on what has been said on this thread, I don't think the OP's ex is one of them. He does see his DC. What he has requested is not, on the face of it, that bad. Yes, it's not ideal, but to be honest 50/50 care doesn't happen very often, and arguably it's not always the best thing for DC anyway. So, someone has to be the rp and someone has to be the nrp. It sucks, but that's the way it is.

Oh, and I think I get the best deal by the way. I get my beautiful children with me for 12 days, then get a whole weekend to myself. In my opinion my ex is the one who loses out.

Yeah I get that campervan but I cant accept that a good parent would choose to reduce the amount they see there children to 6 nights a month.
My mind cant fathom It.
Now of course op will be the one to just accept the situation. Se has no other choice being the rp. She will probably make the best of it so the kids don't have a clue. Like parents do. But she can still find the situation wrong, and inwardly can think he's a bit off a dick.

Yes its not that bad. Not as bad as some parenting. But still its not good. Why is it accepted that nrps only want to see there children so little. It puzzles me massively that its fine and ok to see so little of your children.

Oswin, I don't think anyone thinks it's fine and OK. Maybe even the ex here doesn't either.

Oswin it's not fair. It's not good. In an ideal world people would stay in love and stay married and all DC would grow up in perfect family units. But that isn't real life, sadly.

I offered my ex 50/50 custody. I honestly thought he would want to stay close to his DC and it broke their hearts when he moved away. However, we made the best of it. And, in all honesty, he probably has better quality time with them now than he did when we were together.

BitOutOfPractice Sat 05-Sep-15 12:13:08
kungfupanda yy you're right. Single parents have it easy don't they. Swanning around without the kids hmm

I'm not talking about single parents. The OP's the single parent in this scenario and she's doing the lion's share while working 6 days a week. The fact that she gets a break is an inevitable product of the separation and not something she stamped her feet and demanded.

I'm talking about people who are trying their hardest to be a parent as little as possible, to the extent of demanding a child-free day at the expense of their time with their children and the needs of their no-doubt-exhausted ex-partner.

People who are living with their children don't generally get to decide they don't want to be parents for the day, although they do have the back-up of another adult in the house.

The OP's being screwed both ways - no support during the 5 days a week she has the kids, and now the one day a week she has to recover from more than full time work, and childcare, is being halved so that the ex can have even more time when he doesn't have to bother with his children. It doesn't sound like he has it exactly hard at the moment.

One less day every other week?

That would have been fine for me and I would have happily agreed with it.

My ex had ours every weekend but we were always flexible. If he wanted a night out they would stay here and if I wanted them on a weekend day to take them out he would be fine with that too.

I don't think what he is suggesting is completely unreasonable. Things do change and yes, my children had to get used to the fact that contact wouldn't always be set in stone. I think as long as he is still seeing them every weekend it's not too big of an ask. Especially if it is just one day every other week that is changing.

That said, if he is proposing this change he should be doing much more in the holidays. He should be anyway but I would expect it even more now and I would make that very clear.

I read this post when OP first put it up and didn't respond as I thought it was so cut and dry. Apparently not given some of these frankly offensive responses. Of course YANBU OP - he is being a selfish prick.

Does anyone not remember the recent thread where the OP had moved with her children and DH to another town to do a master's degree, and as a result contact time with the DH's son from a previous relationship was slashed. The OP got a complete pasting for it - everyone said she was insanely selfish.

The OP got a complete pasting for it - everyone said she was insanely selfish.

That's because, apparently, NRP contact is both optional AND unbelievably important, should the NRP want it.

It's fine for the NRP to slash time with their children by choice because "things change", but not OK for things in anyone else's life to change.

RPs exist, it would appear, to make parenting as fun and stress free as possible for the NRP.

Bath I agree with you completely, hence why I don't understand some of the responses on this thread.

I think the OP has had a very good deal for a long time.

Had to laugh out loud at this.

I wouldn't change these arrangements. If ex wanted a child free Sunday, he would be welcome to organise it himself.

I wouldn't change these arrangements. If ex wanted a child free Sunday, he would be welcome to organise it himself.

Right. And if a mother asked a father to have his children on one of his two child free days per fortnight and his response was 'Get a sitter' you wouldn't be saying he was an irresponsible selfish bastard?

Well I think this thread is an inspiration!

If I leave dh with the kids, move far enough away so I don't have to deal with schools or weekday shit, just get the weekends, and then when I marry again, I will further reduce contact despite my kids issues, many people will think I'm a wonderful parent! They will also call ex dh selfish and suggest he gives up work!

Who knew?!!

Permanently reducing the time you can be arsed to spend with your children by a quarter most certainly is slashing contact time.

I think I'm going to tell DH that from now on it won't suit me to see my children in Spring time.

Things have changed, I've got stuff to do.

I can still be a wonderful parent.

We will just lie and pretend that things keep coming up if they ask why they see me far less than they used to.

Anyway, if they are in any way affected, it wil be his fault for not selling it to them right.

Right. And if a mother asked a father to have his children on one of his two child free days per fortnight and his response was 'Get a sitter' you wouldn't be saying he was an irresponsible selfish bastard?

Not if he already had them 10 out of 14 days/nights - and she wanted to make that 11 out of 14 - no. Of course not.

Seems like a no brainer to me.

To be honest I wouldn't want to spend Mon-Fri without my children and then be in sole charge of them on Sat and Sun every single weekend. Neither would I want to have them all week and never have a weekend day with them!

So many posters have said that the OP could use this as a negotiating point to get the ex to have the DC more over the holidays. Or to increase his maintenance so she does not have to work Saturdays. Both sensible advice imo. Both things she wants- noone has called her selfish!

I need to step away from this thread now- as the OP clearly has!

Yes bathtime I too think I will have things to do rather than be a parent to my dc.

Oh hang on I do have 'things to do' but being the rp have to organise everything around my dc.

Today would have been a good time for my ex h to parent his dcs but you know he is one of those men who have 'things to do' which unfortunately for our dcs means they have to moan about how crap it is to me. I have to grin and bare it because if I tell it like it is then according to some posters I am being spiteful towards my dc.

Luckily I can moan to my friends about my ex and get it off my chest!