To think my ex is being a selfish bastard for wanting to see less of his kids now he has remarried

[Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy]

My ex was always very hands-on with the kids and when we split up I promised him he could see the kids whenever he wanted (I am prime carer as he has the career). For the past 4 years he has seen my boys every weekend - he has now moved away from the family home so I've always had them Mon-Fri then they go to his for the weekend, which also works for me as I have to work every Saturday in order to make ends meet. A few months ago he remarried and reassured the boys that nothing would change. They adore their father and look forward to seeing him on a Friday and get very upset if there is any change in this arrangement, which happens from time to time.

So far this has worked well, I work six days a week and have Sunday to recharge, get jobs done, see friends etc. Works for me, works for him, works for the boys.

However having the new wife has changed this and he now wants to formally change things so that the kids come back a day early every other Saturday so the boys will only have 24 hours with him instead of 48 and he gets a day of "grown-up time" with his wife (what so the other five days are not enough...?).

From a purely selfish point of view I'm gutted as this means I lose my "day off" from work and kids, which means so much to me, especially having a boy with special needs, and have been having some behavioural problems with the other one also. I get no break otherwise as family are not around to help. Also I think the boys will react really badly - the new wife arrives, they get pushed out...

I've told him that the boys are going to feel really hurt and rejected but he is determined to go through with the change and "manage" their anger and sadness. He also proposes lying to them by not telling them outright that things are changing but just every other week saying oh this week you are going to be with mummy on a Sunday.

I do understand though that he needs some time for himself and for his new relationship. Tell me, am I being unreasonable, or is he?

YANBU OP.

campervan what about what the OP's children want eh? They like and know this arrangement. They haven't asked for it to be changed. Plus, the OP works at the weekend anyway so wouldn't be with them anyway

lunar1 no change in maintenance but he's had many work promotions since he left so an additional child prob won't make much difference

of course you love your children you say first "the boys adore their dad" then go on to say "that means the boys only get to see there dad 24 hours instead of 48" finally you claim to be selfish wanting adult time of your own you put yourself last i suspect you do that a lot

I can't believe people are making excuses for him. HE made the decision to move far away from his kids, HE can't have them in the week because of his career, HE chose to marry a women who also has a young child.

OP on the other hand can't move closer to family who could potentially support her because someone has to take into consideration that DS has ASD and couldn't manage the change. OP is working 6 days a week and still struggling financially. Maybe OP would like to move house or have a "career" rather than just a job? Maybe OP would like to use her annual leave for "grown up time" rather than exclusively for childcare? Except she doesn't have the choices he has because she's the Mum and he's the Dad.

Good deal my arse

always goawayalready! But what other choice do I have, I'm a single parent

On the surface it seems fair as it means you both get a 'free' Sunday EOW. And their weekdays aren't 'child free' as she has a child living with them, right? Even if she does 'go to bed early', it's still not the same as 'Ahhh, there's no child in the house tonight'. There's still supper, homework, bath time, story time, etc, etc

So why do they not contact that childs father and offer him extra time during the week?

The ideal is to work out a solution that works best for the kids.

In this case, after four years, the dad has unilaterally decided he wants to parent much less- he needs child free time and his ex needs to suck it up.

How is that putting his kids first?

campervan67 thats how YOU feel. I am a single mum (dating however) with a SEN/SN child and Its bloody hard. I wouldn't feel I was missing out if my DS spent any time with his father (he doesn't his dad did a runner) even if it was all weekend! It is valuable time spent with his other parent.

So stop giving the OP a hard time because she doesn't spend 104 out of 365 days a year with them but instead spends entire holidays alone with them and every single night after school.

To put that in perspective she is spending every night after school, eating dinner with them, asking them how their day has been, managing the autistic boy's behaviour, attending to any meltdowns, school problems etc. Where is the father for parents evening? school meetings? doctors appointments for ASD child? therapy appointments if ASD child has them? Sports matches for the older child or other clubs he attends? school plays?

The OP is absolutely entitled to time out when she is clearly doing all of that when the father is barely scratching the surface when it comes to his parental responsibility.

Also - Both the Father and his new wife knew of the childcare arrangement. it has been in place for 4 years FOUR YEARS. It is not something that has sprung up all of a sudden. There is nothing to stop them booking a holiday day off midweek to get alone time. One day here and there. That's what me and the OH have to do to spend any time alone away from my DS. WE also arrange childcare for the odd bank holiday alone. DS goes to a creative camp (holiday club type thing) he cant do it during the holidays because it is too much with his SEN/SN and he needs slow days. That's how you have to do it when you have kids. You cannot just decide to change things or not see your children.

So do people really think that when a couple split up the ideal is for the mum to have them in the week and the dad to have them every single weekend? I know on other threads I've been told I'm 'lucky' because my ex has them every other weekend! Personally I wouldn't like not having weekend time with my DC

I personally wouldn't like my kids to have every weekend contact because it limits the opourtunities I have to visit extended family and go on holiday. But it was working for these children. These children value it are happy with it and feel it means they have been enjoying their legal right to have an equal relationship with both parents.

I don't like 50/50 but if it worked for my kids and they had more of a benefit from it than EOW I would do it. Because that is what you are meant to do when you make decisions about child contact, prioritise what is in the childs best interests.

Monday to Friday the kids are at school and all parents are working. Yes, there's after school care needed during the week but like you said, it's not possible for the children to go to their dads during the week.
So then there is the weekend.
Both parents have 4 days off every fortnight. The OP chooses to work one of the days, out of necessity maybe but that has nothing to do with the father, they are sepperated.
Of the 4 days off from their Monday to friday jobs it would be fair for them to have the kids 2 days each. The dad currently has them all the days and would like you to have them just one instead but you don't want to because your personal time is more important. And he's selfish?

The op is still responsible for her children when they are at school.

Unless of course dad would be the one dealing with any school runs or issues

She doesn't "choose" to work one of those days. She does it to feed and clothe her children.

Their father was the one with choices. To move away. Work full time. Remarry. Become a step father.

And now, it seems to reduce by a quarter the time he spends with his kids.

That is the most ridiculous justification for dropping contact that I have ever read KissingFish

Kissingfish school lasts 9-3 the OP is responsible for them for the rest of the time. And full time in every holiday. Nowhere near fair.

I really do sympathise with the OP. I too am a singe parent, I have no family support nearby, I work full time term time and my ex lives 200 miles away. It is really hard. I get it. betty I am not giving the OP a hard time. I too have my DC day in day out apart from 2 days every other week. I do all the meals, all the appointments, all the parents evenings.You do not have to 'put it in perspective' for me. I get it. That is my life too.

However, I think the idea of the dad having the Sunday off every other week is not unreasonable! Sorry, that's just what I think. He is asking for one day a fortnight less.

OP, I think the solution would be to suggest that in return he agrees to have them for 2 weeks of the school holidays. And also, I don't know your personal situation, but if there is any way you could find a job that does not involve working Saturdays that would make your life a lot easier. Or speak to your exH, explain how hard working Saturdays is, and ask him to make up the difference in maintenance payments.

The best thing is to try to remain amicable if you can, and find a solution that suits everyone. None of this is easy.

I can't believe some of the responses on this thread.
The OP has THEIR children during the week and throughout the school holidays and some posters are berating OP because she wants free time. Well fuck that.
This belief that a 'father' is doing a great job because he happens to look after HIS own children really pisses me off.
Then to add fuel to the fire, he wants to lie to his dcs, who will then blame OP for not allowing them to see their father.
OP, I would not allow your ex to lie to the dc's, let him be up front about his wishes.
Also , insist that he take the children for at least 10 days during the Summer holidays

I'm a bit baffled by this assumption that your day of 'time off' is only your due. Do you realise parents who are still together don't get anything close to that, every month let alone every week?

I don't think you realise how good you've had it so far. I work and look after my DS - alone, for 90% of the time - for every day of the week that I don't work, despite being married. That's life with kids! If you ask me a day off work and kids every week is an unbelievable luxury. I get why you don't want to give it up, but if you think about it you have more time off than your ex at the mo. He just wants one extra day of what you've had for 4 years....

However I do agree he shouldn't lie to them about what's happening. Would insult their intelligence anyway.

Penelope please do not compare yourself to a single parent. Fgs. Why don't you direct your post to the parent who wants his kids 6 nights a month?!
He's a parent is he not.
She does not have it lucky for gods sake.
How is it lucky to have a parent being a parent ffs.
I get it. Women you have to be with your children all the time and what time they aren't with you, well you have to miss them. Fuck that.

More time off? From what? Being a parent?

Penelope when you climb into a relaxing bath in the evening after a tough day and one of your children calls out, do you get out of the bath or does your husband see to the child?
If your 8 year old drops and spills the milk at 8pm when your other child is already asleep, do you have to wake your sleeping child and take both of them to the shop to get more milk? Because your youngest still has milk first thing in the morning.Or does your husband nip out instead?
When the boiler breaks down do you sort it out entirely by yourself? Or do you discuss it with your husband and decide who will ring the plumber, stay home from work ( unpaid) to wait for them, decide which account you'll use to pay for the repairs.

Your post is ignorant. And before I was a single parent I was ignorant as well. But even then I wouldn't have been so ignorant to assume that the EX in this scenario is being anything other than a selfish ass.

The children not losing 1/4 of the time they have with their father is only their due.

This is a parent trying to cut by a quarter the time he spends with his own children.

And he's not trying to cut that time by arranging clubs, or childcare, or time with family.

His plan is to just dump them on their default (real) parent, so he can have child free time with his new bride.

Who knew all about the two sons he saw every weekend when she married him.

Everyone is being very emotive. The parents split up, it's very sad. But it happens.The OP hasn't said why/whether it was mutual. He moved away and married a woman who also has a child. He now requests to slightly alter the access arrangements by one day every other week. And everyone jumps on the "what a bastard" bandwagon.

When parents split up, sometimes arrangements change. Sometimes people have to be flexible. The best way forward, rather than mudslinging, is to talk amicably and come to a reasonable solution.

Well campervan its always the women and the children who have to be flexible for some reason. He could have stayed near and had hos children a weekend day then in the week too. He chose to move away. The least he could do is spend weekends with them.
Come on if a mother who was nrp posted here saying she has her children, who she moved away from, 8 nights a month and wanted to lower that? She would be torn apart.