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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my ex is being a selfish bastard for wanting to see less of his kids now he has remarried

271 replies

Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 15:04

My ex was always very hands-on with the kids and when we split up I promised him he could see the kids whenever he wanted (I am prime carer as he has the career). For the past 4 years he has seen my boys every weekend - he has now moved away from the family home so I've always had them Mon-Fri then they go to his for the weekend, which also works for me as I have to work every Saturday in order to make ends meet. A few months ago he remarried and reassured the boys that nothing would change. They adore their father and look forward to seeing him on a Friday and get very upset if there is any change in this arrangement, which happens from time to time.

So far this has worked well, I work six days a week and have Sunday to recharge, get jobs done, see friends etc. Works for me, works for him, works for the boys.

However having the new wife has changed this and he now wants to formally change things so that the kids come back a day early every other Saturday so the boys will only have 24 hours with him instead of 48 and he gets a day of "grown-up time" with his wife (what so the other five days are not enough...?).

From a purely selfish point of view I'm gutted as this means I lose my "day off" from work and kids, which means so much to me, especially having a boy with special needs, and have been having some behavioural problems with the other one also. I get no break otherwise as family are not around to help. Also I think the boys will react really badly - the new wife arrives, they get pushed out...

I've told him that the boys are going to feel really hurt and rejected but he is determined to go through with the change and "manage" their anger and sadness. He also proposes lying to them by not telling them outright that things are changing but just every other week saying oh this week you are going to be with mummy on a Sunday.

I do understand though that he needs some time for himself and for his new relationship. Tell me, am I being unreasonable, or is he?

OP posts:
Oswin · 04/09/2015 18:08

A very good deal. Wtaf. They are his children!
People going like he's doing the op a fucking favour. No he's being a parent. What kind of shit parent would choose to go from an already megre 8 nights a month to six?!
Six nights a fucking month! That is not parenting in my eyes. Fucking hell. "he needs a day off too". Does he fuck. He needs to parent a bit more.
Once again a nrp not actually being a parent. People would bleat he's an equal parent if it was a different situation. Then he should behave like that.

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/09/2015 18:08

MistressMerryWeather
"He has 5 child free nights."

The OP posted that the new wife has a daughter.

"I should add that she has a child but she is much younger than mine so would have an earlier bed-time, also she does see her father regularly so they do not have her all of the time. They are trying to time it so that they are kid-free every other sunday"

BoboChic · 04/09/2015 18:08

I'm not sure that the children should be spending every weekend with their father. Can they not spend some time with him during the week instead?

Oswin · 04/09/2015 18:09

No they cant bobochic, the father moved away.

Cloppysow · 04/09/2015 18:10

He is being selfish yes. But the reality is, you just have to lump it.

I have had this sort of thing so many times over the years, the more i fought it, the worse things were for me.

I know it's hard, and it's really bloody unfair, but it is what it is.

Oh. Don't lie to the kids. If they ask you for the truth, tell them.

Oswin · 04/09/2015 18:11

Why on earth should they not spend every weekend there bobo? Is he not an equal parent who should be doing equal parenting?

HeyDuggee · 04/09/2015 18:14

Hang on, the ex isn't child free 5 days a week, he's got a new step daughter. Or is he meant to be a shit step dad to the little girl who's moved in with him now? Is he meant to not share any parental responsibility during the week?

He cited the reason for lessening it by one day is to spend adult-only time with his new partner. I don't think it's unreasonable to have one day a week as a new couple. And no, a couple of hours on a weekday evening when you work full time and have a small child isn't quite the same.

Honestly, while I sympathise OP, it's not your ex's fault you haven't remarried and don't have any respite during the week. It's also not his fault you don't have a support network of friends and family.

Perhaps the answer is to get more financial support so you can afford a sitter once in a while. Or he uses his annual leave so you can take a few days off.

thehypocritesoaf · 04/09/2015 18:18

It's not his kids fault either!

He doesn't see them in the week and he wants them less.

Blimey, people really think men are sainted if they look after their kids, don't they?

Oswin · 04/09/2015 18:27

Yep thehypocritesoaf. Having your children 6 nights a month is somehow ok.
I wonder if the op wanted to make a decision to cut contact would the same people then bleat on that he's an equal parent!
Not in my world he ain't. Parents do actual parenting. He could have had them in the week as well but moved away.
Op cant move away, she doesn't have that option because she's a actual parent who realises that decision would have a massive impact on her son who has autism.
Oh well at least he sees them your lucky op apparently.
People really do have a shit opinion of men if this type of parenting is considered great.

QuiteLikely5 · 04/09/2015 18:30

Yes darling he is being very selfish indeed. Those children are his too. I would tell him in no uncertain circumstances that those children will be with him as previously agreed. Tell him once a month you will relent.

Discussion is not an option otherwise you will hand them over to him full time and collect them a few weekends a month.

End of. Do t try to reason with armholes.

NatalieMc82 · 04/09/2015 18:32

I agree with pps that the holiday situation needs to be revisited.. Perhaps a session or two with a mediator would be helpful to get a mutually agreed contact arrangement in place? Also if the OP is struggling financially despite working 6 days a week she should check she is getting all the help she is entitled to for low income parents (working tax credits, free school meals, rent or council tax reduction etc) and use the online child maintenance calculator to make sure her exh is paying the right amount.

But ultimately I feel really sorry for these kids.. The weekend comes around and there's dad saying "I don't want them" and mum saying "well I don't want them either" that's sad.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/09/2015 18:41

"Blimey, people really think men are sainted if they look after their kids, don't they?"

I totally 100% agree.

This is all about what he wants. What he needs. Not what his DC want and need.

goawayalready · 04/09/2015 18:45

Honestly, while I sympathise OP, it's not your ex's fault you haven't remarried and don't have any respite during the week. It's also not his fault you don't have a support network of friends and family.

and just how is she supposed to get anywhere when she is a, always working and b, he has just cut what little time she has to catch up with her friends and have an adult life off by deciding his needs come first

he moved not her

she is struggling with work wages and her two sons one who has special needs and one who is giving her some behaviour difficulties at the moment he should be working with her not dumping all over her because she is single

when does she get a chance not to be single? who can she meet in two days a month? surely you're not advocating she takes the kids on dates with her?

op yanbu only here would you be seen to be lucky to be in such a place

QuiteLikely5 · 04/09/2015 18:46

It is not that the mother doesn't want them! Yes she gave birth to them but it takes two to tango.

She shoulders most of the responsibility and she is wanting him to bear some of the weight.

How the hell is that wrong? Why feel for the boys?

The boys are loved.

Original poster
Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 18:47

Thank you so much goawayalready, crying now

OP posts:
goawayalready · 04/09/2015 18:50

Blimey, people really think men are sainted if they look after their kids, don't they?

^^ this totally agree everyone has sympathy for the single dad but the single mom must get on with it ive seen it for myself single dad on benefits aahhh look at him offers of babysitting help with getting the children to school single mom she needs to keep her legs closed how many kids does she have? do they even have the same dad?

BitOutOfPractice · 04/09/2015 18:51

"it's not your ex's fault you haven't remarried"

No, and it's not the OP's fault that he has

He didn't stop being a dad when he remarried - though it seems he'd like to try

OP it sounds like you are doing your 100% best for those boys under difficult circumstances. They are lucky to have you as their mom. Pity they only have one parent that's any use to them Thanks

campervan67 · 04/09/2015 18:51

So do people really think that when a couple split up the ideal is for the mum to have them in the week and the dad to have them every single weekend? I know on other threads I've been told I'm 'lucky' because my ex has them every other weekend! Personally I wouldn't like not having weekend time with my DC.

goawayalready · 04/09/2015 18:52

oooh bad tears! sorry! i just feel you deserve more Sad i didnt want to make you feel bad

WeirdCatLadySaysFuckOffJeffrey · 04/09/2015 18:54

If it helps, OP, keep in mind that your dc are getting older now and they will always remember that their dad was a bit useless and that you weren't.

When they are grown men they will know the right way to treat women and will aspire to be a parent as good as you are.

I know that doesn't help you with your social life right now but in the long run its a big thing x

DixieNormas · 04/09/2015 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 18:57

well said DixieNormas

OP posts:
lunar1 · 04/09/2015 18:58

I can't believe some of the posts on here! He moved so the op should follow!!! What if he moves again?

Your ex is being a cunt, if he wants an evening out he should arrange a babysitter for a couple of hours. Given that he is only newly remarried and done this I'd keep an eye on things for more changes. Has he dropped the maintenance yes because he lives with someone else's child?

Original poster
Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 18:58

its ok goawayalready just can't believe people on here can I say I don't love or want my kids, nothing could be further from the truth

OP posts:
SouthWesterlyWinds · 04/09/2015 18:58

So let's get this right

His new place has family nearby who can help out with childcare? So how about this for a solution? One Saturday a month in one of his offs week ends, a family member helps look after his step daughter for an afternoon so he can have quality time with the new wife. No? Too simple? Probably because once again a child loses out in parent time. And that's what it boils down to really. None of the children are winners. He's a dad. He needs to strap on a pair, man up and suck it up. That's what it means to be a good dad.

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