To think my ex is being a selfish bastard for wanting to see less of his kids now he has remarried

[Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy]

My ex was always very hands-on with the kids and when we split up I promised him he could see the kids whenever he wanted (I am prime carer as he has the career). For the past 4 years he has seen my boys every weekend - he has now moved away from the family home so I've always had them Mon-Fri then they go to his for the weekend, which also works for me as I have to work every Saturday in order to make ends meet. A few months ago he remarried and reassured the boys that nothing would change. They adore their father and look forward to seeing him on a Friday and get very upset if there is any change in this arrangement, which happens from time to time.

So far this has worked well, I work six days a week and have Sunday to recharge, get jobs done, see friends etc. Works for me, works for him, works for the boys.

However having the new wife has changed this and he now wants to formally change things so that the kids come back a day early every other Saturday so the boys will only have 24 hours with him instead of 48 and he gets a day of "grown-up time" with his wife (what so the other five days are not enough...?).

From a purely selfish point of view I'm gutted as this means I lose my "day off" from work and kids, which means so much to me, especially having a boy with special needs, and have been having some behavioural problems with the other one also. I get no break otherwise as family are not around to help. Also I think the boys will react really badly - the new wife arrives, they get pushed out...

I've told him that the boys are going to feel really hurt and rejected but he is determined to go through with the change and "manage" their anger and sadness. He also proposes lying to them by not telling them outright that things are changing but just every other week saying oh this week you are going to be with mummy on a Sunday.

I do understand though that he needs some time for himself and for his new relationship. Tell me, am I being unreasonable, or is he?

I can only imagine the posts if a father complained about access because he thought that the mother having one day off the children a week made her a selfish bitch.

If you think MN would support a NR mother cutting her time with her children so she could spend time alone with her new husband, you haven't been here very long.

Kanye, why shouldn't he make his own arrangements for the child free days like everyone else has to do?

I can only imagine the posts if a mother didn't see her kids all week then wanted a child free day at the weekend.
She would be pilloried. But hey this is a dad. Give him a medal.

I think he's a shit. He's complaining about not having enough "child free time" but he doesn't use any of his annual leave for childcare? I don't know any parents who have 4 weeks with no work and no kids where they can please themselves! His suggestion that nobody need bother to inform the kids that their whole routine is about to change is bonkers, especially as your DS has ASD.
If he is adamant about this change to your arrangent then I would be insisting that
a.) His maintenance increases to reflect the extra time you have the DC for
b.) If he can change the arrangement so can you, so from now on holidays are shared 50/50

What is interesting, though, is the number of people who think this is about a MAN's right to child free time/lie ins/night out, and not the right of TWO BOYS to keep seeing their Dad the same way they did before he got married and had better things to do with his time than be their Dad.

How old are the DC?

AcrossthePond55 if I did less hours then I would lose tax credits and basically end up being financially dependent on him which is exactly what neither of us wants.

BathtimeFunkster my point exactly!!!

Wewereneverbeingboring one is at primary school one at secondary

He basically wants to reduce his parenting responsibilities so he can have more shag time with his new wife. Not only that but he knows this will hurt the kids and he wants to you LIE to them to soften the blow.

YANBU, he sounds like a total prick.

So he's reducing contact already. My ex did the same now he spends about 7 days a year with his child. No sleep overs, no holidays. Actually, he hasn't spoke to him in three weeks. He lives ten minutes away. There are some prize men out there. Hope yours steps up Op. I suspect not sadly. I really feel for you.

So he'd like to reduce his personal parenting responsibilities by a quarter so he can have his 'me' time..... oh and you, who are raising and providing 24 hour care for the children he walked away from and have them 5 days a week doing the school run, laundry and all the rest of it, he's expecting you to pick up his slack because you're the default parent after all.

So you'll be doing more of the child raising and sacrificing your time in order to enable him to have more free time, more freedom, more escape from the commitments he created when he had these children...

Yes, he sounds pretty selfish to me. They're his responsibility that day, if he needs 'me' time then he needs to figure out childcare, like you have to on the massive majority of days you're responsible for them. Why are the children more your responsibility than his?

His promise to his children that nothing would change when he married hasn't lasted long, has it? Does he seriously think the children won't notice?

The one boy has autism. OP has said how much a move would affect him. Has no one else thought how much a change to an already working schedule would affect that boy?

The father has the luxury of getting up everyday to go to work stress free, not having to worry about kids and all that frustration. Gawd that is luxury here in my house!

The father DOESN'T use his annual leave to care for the children in the holidays. The OP does it all. its unfair.

My suggestion. Negotiate it to once a month that they come back early. The father also needs to spend time with his sons without the step daughter who is much younger and If I'm clear goes away every other weekend. meaning the boys will have to share 'dad time' with step sister which isn't fair especially when the step daughter gets 5 days alone with him. They need the dad time without her. Esp with the oldest getting to that important stage in life and needing his dad a bit more. That is important. So so important. The boys cannot and should not be pushed out for new wife and step daughter.

I'd Offer the one child free weekend a month. If he doesn't like it tough shit.
he cannot lie to his children. Thats just going to set himself up poorly and they wont trust him. If the father and new wife want more time out they hire a baby sitter.

Out of curiosity whay would new wife and the father do if they had a child together? what alone time would they get then? Zip. They'd have to steal the moments they could and make time just like any other family.

He is being selfish, and Bathtime's 17:10 post sums up why.

Unfortunately, as I understand it, you can't force a non-resident parent to have the children more often (legally, I mean).

So, I don't know what the answer is.

I absolutely agree with you that he must not allow you to take any part of the blame for his decision, as far as the children are concerned.

bettyberry that's a really good point, I'd not even thought of that

I think if he wants a child free day he needs to sort childcare himself. The more I think about this, the more it takes the piss.

Can you not do the usual thing of every other weekend? He's been having them for 4 days a fortnight and wants to halve it to 2 days a fortnight. Why not make it every other w/e which is 2 days a fortnight - what he wants - but gives you every other Sunday to yourself. At least that would be better than what he is proposing. It halves the travel time for the children too. You would have to work out childcare for the Saturday you have them, but that's the only obvious downside, but the amount of cm he's supposed to pay would increase.

You have to get holidays sorted formally, though. Just leaving them to you for almost the whole break is not on.

Jux no childcare exists where I live, esp not on a Saturday, I am miles away from family

I think it is a shame not to be able to spend one day a week with your kids when you're not working. I get that you have them in the holidays, but there's a lot of weeks between those times when they aren't getting to do "fun" stuff with their mum

Absolute rubbish. The x works full time. He probably has no meaningful time to himself during the week. After working and the commute a couple of hours in the evening is down time to relax. And the OP will also get down time when they're in bed. And the holidays are irrelevant, the OP has the children during the week then because it's convenient for her as her free childcare (school) is no longer available and she's not working. He still has them at the weekends.

I don't know how anybody can compare one full child free day a week to a couple of hours in the evening after work when you're too knackered to do anything. One child free day a week each is fair. I think the OP has had a very good deal for a long time. He will still be having the children for 3 weekend days out of every 4.

I think it's normal to want time on your own as a couple. Most couples get years of that before adding children to the mix, but of course that isn't possible for couples where one/both already have children. Also the pressures and tensions of having children around tend to be more when the children are step to one parent, so again I think it is normal to want child free time in this context even if you wouldn't have it in a traditional full time family set up.

Of course it is one thing to, quite reasonably IMO, want that time and another thing to work out a good and fair way to get it. I don't think what your ex is asking is that outrageous, but it seems like bad timing (ie like rejection) to instigate it now right after the wedding, and it does seem unfair to you given you need to work at the weekends.

If try to talk to him rationally about it and find a compromise solution like him arranging childcare or only doing it around your work hours.

I am flabbergasted that anyone thinks the exH is being reasonable! He sees so much less of the kids anyway and is now cutting his contact time by a quarter because he has a new wife. I don't think that it is right to lie to the children (at least the older one will surely realise what's going on pretty quickly anyway). I agree that if he needs more 'me' time at the weekend he should be paying for childcare, not getting his ex-wife to do it for free!

He should pay for a nanny for that day he cannot do in that case like the rest of us have to do!