Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my ex is being a selfish bastard for wanting to see less of his kids now he has remarried

271 replies

Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 15:04

My ex was always very hands-on with the kids and when we split up I promised him he could see the kids whenever he wanted (I am prime carer as he has the career). For the past 4 years he has seen my boys every weekend - he has now moved away from the family home so I've always had them Mon-Fri then they go to his for the weekend, which also works for me as I have to work every Saturday in order to make ends meet. A few months ago he remarried and reassured the boys that nothing would change. They adore their father and look forward to seeing him on a Friday and get very upset if there is any change in this arrangement, which happens from time to time.

So far this has worked well, I work six days a week and have Sunday to recharge, get jobs done, see friends etc. Works for me, works for him, works for the boys.

However having the new wife has changed this and he now wants to formally change things so that the kids come back a day early every other Saturday so the boys will only have 24 hours with him instead of 48 and he gets a day of "grown-up time" with his wife (what so the other five days are not enough...?).

From a purely selfish point of view I'm gutted as this means I lose my "day off" from work and kids, which means so much to me, especially having a boy with special needs, and have been having some behavioural problems with the other one also. I get no break otherwise as family are not around to help. Also I think the boys will react really badly - the new wife arrives, they get pushed out...

I've told him that the boys are going to feel really hurt and rejected but he is determined to go through with the change and "manage" their anger and sadness. He also proposes lying to them by not telling them outright that things are changing but just every other week saying oh this week you are going to be with mummy on a Sunday.

I do understand though that he needs some time for himself and for his new relationship. Tell me, am I being unreasonable, or is he?

OP posts:
fabuLou · 04/09/2015 16:35

The holiday situation isn'nt right

Original poster
Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 16:35

Not only that but when he told me he'd booked a holiday for them I thought woo-hoo and went out and booked a cheap break for myself with a friend. When I told him what I'd be doing with that week, so he'd know where I was in case of emergency, it turned out he'd intended to take the kids Monday-Friday not Saturday to Saturday...no sooner had the plane touched down on my return when I got a text from him asking when I'd be home...when I arrived home there they were waiting for me...my friend was gob-smacked.

OP posts:
Nabootique · 04/09/2015 16:36

Unbelievable. I would be livid about that alone. I work full time and I have my DD every weekend, and one night during the week. I also take time off during holidays. I will take days off just for me as well though, as having weekday evenings free really isn't the same as having a whole day, and I do eventually need a break, so I can see his point about the weekends (even though I don't do it myself), but he needs to really step up during the holidays. That is ridiculous.

Lightbulbon · 04/09/2015 16:40

Have you considered moving nearer him?

It sounds like where you live now is very limiting in terms of jobs.

Also as the DCs are getting older, if you live closer to each other you can be more flexible with contact as the DCs can make their own way between your houses.

Also I'm surprised they dont ever want to see their school friends at the weekends.

He absolutely shouldn't lie to them about the change. Tell him this is non negotiable.

He should also be doing half of the holidays.

fabuLou · 04/09/2015 16:40

I'd tell him to feck off in thatcase

Reubs15 · 04/09/2015 16:43

He should make up Saturday's wage for you then so you get a days rest.
Or do every other weekend or something

thehypocritesoaf · 04/09/2015 16:44

He wants to see less of his kids. He's decided every weekend is too much for him now. He wants you to cover up for him.

How is he not a twat?

goawayalready · 04/09/2015 16:45

so you're a single parent with no support who has the children 260 days of the year you work 312 days a year and you have 52 days to yourself (just a rough generalisation based on 52 weeks of the year)

he has the children 104 days of the year he wishes to change this to 69 and you will now have 26 days to yourself

he is in a two parent family and has another adult who can for example get him a drink or take over with the child and let him have some down time he can go out without having to arrange childcare as the mother is the childcare for her own child. he wishes you to take the blame for this change in arrangements too? he is the one who moved?

is fuck off a complete answer? if that's impolite the answer is no just no 69 days a year is nothing and who's to say it will be enough for him if you agree to this will he push it further? will he then say its not convenient to have them on a sunday at all? you are being treated like a doormat by them

Flowers sorry xx

Original poster
Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 16:45

Lightbulbon yes I did consider this and even got a valuation on my house but my son is autistic and went mental at the thought of moving so in the end we had to stay. At the time I was unemployed and at my wits end. Now I at least have work so things are better. Because of how he is he doesn't really have any friends :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 16:47

My other boy has his friends but he'd rather be with his dad on a weekend

OP posts:
campervan67 · 04/09/2015 16:47

To be honest I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want a child-free weekend day. I also work full time term time, and my ex has the DC every other weekend. I enjoy my weekends with the DC but I also enjoy my weekends off! If he works all week then has the kids every single weekend he never actually has an evening off where he doesn't need to get up the next day, or a lie in.

Do you have to work Saturdays? As, if you didn't, then you would get both the time to yourself and some weekend time with the kids. Do you get tax credits?

He should definitely look after them.in the holidays though. My ex has them one half term and one week in the summer, which is half of his annual leave.

Original poster
Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 16:50

campervan67 yes I have no choice but to work saturdays

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 04/09/2015 16:50

If he works all week then has the kids every single weekend he never actually has an evening off where he doesn't need to get up the next day, or a lie in.

That's been my life for 7 years.

Where do I dump my children to avail of this child free time parents are apparently entitled to?

You learn something new every day on Mumsnet!

Nabootique · 04/09/2015 16:53
thehypocritesoaf · 04/09/2015 16:53

Yeah, so you don't see your kids for five days, the first thing you think is - ooh I need some child free time- I will get the ex to sort it.

MistressMerryWeather · 04/09/2015 16:54

Oh haven't you heard of Magic Land Bathtime?

It's where everyone else sends their kids when they want a lie in and don't have an ex. :o

InimitableJeeves · 04/09/2015 16:57

Any chance of negotiating an increase in maintenance so you don't have to work 6 days a week?

BathtimeFunkster · 04/09/2015 16:57
Grin

No!!!! Why did nobody tell me about Magic Land? Angry

campervan67 · 04/09/2015 16:57

Bathtime the OP has a child free day. And couples who live together usually take it in turns to get up with the kids or have a weekend night out if they want to. I am the last one to defend absent fathers, but every other weekend is pretty standard in my experience.

MistressMerryWeather · 04/09/2015 17:01

He has 5 child free nights.

BathtimeFunkster · 04/09/2015 17:02

And couples who live together usually take it in turns to get up with the kids or have a weekend night out if they want to.

Weird how this couple can't manage to do that.

every other weekend is pretty standard in my experience.

It's not standard in the experience of these boys, though, who are used to (and apparently enjoy) seeing their father every weekend.

EOW is standard because it is the "fairest" solution to two parents who both want weekend time with their children.

This couple sorted out another way.

You don't duck out of time with your own kids because you got a better offer.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/09/2015 17:02

So it would be

Week 1, he has them Friday night - Sunday evening
Week 2, he has them Friday night - Saturday evening

On the surface it seems fair as it means you both get a 'free' Sunday EOW. And their weekdays aren't 'child free' as she has a child living with them, right? Even if she does 'go to bed early', it's still not the same as 'Ahhh, there's no child in the house tonight'. There's still supper, homework, bath time, story time, etc, etc.

Would he be willing to up maintenance to allow you (if possible) to give up working Saturday on the weekend that they'd be home on that evening?

I agree the holiday thing is not on. I think if the two of you are going to 'revisit' the schedule, something needs to be done about him having the children for a week (or two or more) during school holidays. If things are going to change, make it work for you, too. And BS to telling the children that 'something came up'. They aren't stupid. They'll realize pretty quickly that 'something's coming up' every other weekend.

thehypocritesoaf · 04/09/2015 17:03

You don't have to get up early with kids this age.

He wants to reduce contact- he's no hands on, active dad. Really slack parenting.

mumcantmakeadecision · 04/09/2015 17:04

could you say to him, thats fine, every other weekend is good for me but you need to do your share on the holidays?

KanyeWestPresidentForLife · 04/09/2015 17:04

One child free day a fortnight is absolutely fine. I can only imagine the posts if a father complained about access because he thought that the mother having one day off the children a week made her a selfish bitch.

You know there are times I read this forum and I wonder why on earth people were so surprised it was hacked when there's shit like this on it.