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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling angry that my DH has sold my car to buy himself a new one.

260 replies

Deeznutz · 03/09/2015 14:53

I am probably BU but am feeling more upset today than I thought I would. My DH bought me my dream little car for a special birthday three years ago ( a second hand fiat but I loved it) .For the last year he has been going on about how much it costs to run two cars and how I could do all my shopping online. We have a comfortable income which we both contribute towards.

I have felt a bit pressured into it if I'm being honest. I am a carer and he is a top civil servant although I was working in a good career until my son was diagnosed with autism and other disabilities.

In the last few weeks he went out and bought a large car putting my car and his three year old car towards it plus some savings.I said I wanted to see it first because we are supposed to be sharing it and I have only driven small cars and feel unsure about driving something so big. He bought it when I was caring for the children saying it was such a good deal he couldn't wait. He registered my car in his name despite the fact it was supposed to be a gift for me and just went and traded it in.

I think today I have had a delayed reaction as I feel uncharacteristically furious. I never cry but just can't seem to stop bursting into tears. It takes forty minutes to walk to my nearest town and I have a dog to walk as well ( it needs an 1.5 hours) that he got and never walks himself so it has fallen to me to pick up the slack. I have never expressed a desire to own a dog and don't enjoy having one. I recognise that family life is about compromise but it seems as if I am the only one compromising.

He is currently trying to smooze me which is making me angrier and angrier.

AIBU?

OP posts:
redexpat · 04/09/2015 12:41

Oh that is a good turn around!

pictish · 04/09/2015 12:43

Fantastic! Let's hope this has been a wake up call for him and he makes good on his promises.

I was so open mouthed at his actions I read it out to my dh AND my pal who was in for coffee this morning, citing, "How's a bout this for a brass fucking neck?"

So pleased to read a good outcome.

Duckdeamon · 04/09/2015 12:44

Good start but be wary.

the decision to buy an expensive car for him wasn't a joint one: that money was spent. what's he going to do about that?

I would dig out or demand to see the paperwork for the car he bought you then returned: suspect a PP's suggestion that he actually only leased it merits investigation. In which case he lied.

supersop60 · 04/09/2015 13:19
Star
AcrossthePond55 · 04/09/2015 13:58

Wonderful. But actions speak louder than words.

I agree that a car should be purchased for you and THEN the savings should be split. Or the value of his car should be deducted from his half.

I hate to be an old cynic, but be very suspicious and be sure that he has disclosed ALL accounts.

JessInTheBox · 04/09/2015 14:02

Bloody good on you OP

I hope he isn't just using words as a sticking plaster to stop you proceeding. Be cautious. I would also reason whether or not he should give you the worth of your car on top of your half of the savings, as itt was yours to sell so effectively your money.

MmeGuillotine · 04/09/2015 14:08

Well done OP!

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/09/2015 14:22

Make sure he does it quickly so there's no chance of him weaseling out of it.

Good for you! Flowers

Pleurepaslabouchepleine · 04/09/2015 14:22

Great news !

InimitableJeeves · 04/09/2015 14:36

He really needs to give you back the £5K, buy the replacement car, then do the split of what remains of the savings. Otherwise you will have paid for more than half his car (given that your previous car has gone into the mix) and you will be paying 100% for your car and losing the value of the previous car.

OTheHugeManatee · 04/09/2015 14:45

Well done OP.

SquinkiesRule · 04/09/2015 16:19

What a wonderful outcome. I really looks like he had no idea that what he was doing was so wrong. All he needed was a little MN education. Well done OP I hope this is a huge leap in the right direction.
We have joint money, all in one pot and then save whats left also in a joint account. It has worked well for us for 30 years. I'm now the main earner Dh was the earner all the years I was at home with children and it hasn't changed anything money wise.

rumbleinthrjungle · 04/09/2015 16:46

Bravo OP! Brew

OnGoldenPond · 04/09/2015 16:50

Sell the dog. See how he likes it. Angry

Branleuse · 04/09/2015 16:58

what a great outcome OP. Go you!!

MummaGiles · 04/09/2015 16:58

I really hope he sticks to his word. Well done for standing up for yourself. Inspiring!

MythicalKings · 04/09/2015 17:10

Well done for handling it so well, OP. Ranting wouldn't have worked but cold hard logic showed him what an arse he was being.

Make sure he sticks to it.

RockingStones · 04/09/2015 18:11

Well done for calmly explaining how you felt to him. I agree with IJ though - the money should be split AFTER you both get your cars. You also need your own account so you have some money separate from the 'family' money in the joint acc. Sorry to be cynical but it'd give you a safety net if he reneges on his plan to share more.
I hope it goes well for you, OP.

PuntasticUsername · 04/09/2015 18:17

Hmm.

Can't help but be slightly suspicious of this instant Damascene conversion, myself. Keep a close eye on him until you're quite sure he's sincere.

gladistopped · 04/09/2015 19:13

Yes hurrah! But ...HE can bloomin well buy the new car from his share of the half savings! AND reinburse you the full amount for taking your car out of HIS half as well! , ie you get half, he gets half of the savings and THEN he repays you for the car he took, and then buys HIS car ...

He should have a lot less of the savings than you, by the time this has all been fairly worked out :)

YellowTulips · 04/09/2015 19:48

Well done OP Smile

You sound as if you were pretty formidable!!

Now just remember to ensure he follows through with his promise, which to be fair on face value does suggest that he has recognised that he needs to make some big changes.

ENtertainmentAppreciated · 04/09/2015 20:34

Anyone reading this who sees similarities with their own relationship should take note and while the control issues are small should stand up for themselves before it gets any worse.

No one, man or woman should be beholden and subdued and controlled by financial means.

Good luck OP.

Pilgit · 04/09/2015 21:13

Good to hear. I hope he follows through. Hopefully this is a case of the behaviour creeping up on you both and when the behaviour is pointed out he has recognised how his behaviour has made you feel and agreed to do something about it.

springydaffs · 04/09/2015 21:42

Well, yes, but make sure you see this savings account, the exact amount in it, this very minute. Ie exactly how much he's going to be sharing 50:50.

Don't trust him, basically, until you SEE he's following through over a period of time. All very well to say it, you have to SEE it.

Well done, though. I hope it works out.

PunkrockerGirl · 04/09/2015 22:12

Great news, make sure he follows through.

Your next project must be the dog. Either he takes responsibility for feeding, walking, taking to the vet etc. or it's re homed. He got the dog and expected you to look after it. I hope you added these duties to your list, OP. His dog, his problem.