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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling angry that my DH has sold my car to buy himself a new one.

260 replies

Deeznutz · 03/09/2015 14:53

I am probably BU but am feeling more upset today than I thought I would. My DH bought me my dream little car for a special birthday three years ago ( a second hand fiat but I loved it) .For the last year he has been going on about how much it costs to run two cars and how I could do all my shopping online. We have a comfortable income which we both contribute towards.

I have felt a bit pressured into it if I'm being honest. I am a carer and he is a top civil servant although I was working in a good career until my son was diagnosed with autism and other disabilities.

In the last few weeks he went out and bought a large car putting my car and his three year old car towards it plus some savings.I said I wanted to see it first because we are supposed to be sharing it and I have only driven small cars and feel unsure about driving something so big. He bought it when I was caring for the children saying it was such a good deal he couldn't wait. He registered my car in his name despite the fact it was supposed to be a gift for me and just went and traded it in.

I think today I have had a delayed reaction as I feel uncharacteristically furious. I never cry but just can't seem to stop bursting into tears. It takes forty minutes to walk to my nearest town and I have a dog to walk as well ( it needs an 1.5 hours) that he got and never walks himself so it has fallen to me to pick up the slack. I have never expressed a desire to own a dog and don't enjoy having one. I recognise that family life is about compromise but it seems as if I am the only one compromising.

He is currently trying to smooze me which is making me angrier and angrier.

AIBU?

OP posts:
overthemill · 03/09/2015 23:43

If you divorced, all the money in savings/ accounts anywhere would be counted as half yours. You've been looking after his children and had to stop a career to care for a child with extra needs. His money isn't 'his' it's shared. I can't believe the gall of men like this

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/09/2015 23:44

So sorry Deez - but I think that the advice to see a solicitor now is good - he sounds appallingly selfish, by the way. :(

slugseatlettuce · 04/09/2015 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ijustwannadance · 04/09/2015 00:11

So why the fuck couldn't he use those savings instead of trading in your car? Oh yeah, because its the one thing of value that you had/gave you some freedom. What a prize nob.

Mid life crisis anyone? Trying to impress with his nice new flashy car.

I reckon he would try to hide his true financial situation if you divorced him.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/09/2015 00:19

Just a word to the wise. If you are indeed thinking of splitting, or even just seeing a solicitor, you need to keep this all under your hat. Not a hint to him, not a single word. Don't get angry and blurt out that you are thinking of divorce. Because I guarantee that will start him hiding assets faster than you can say Jack Robinson. It's not dishonest to do this, it's self preservations.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/09/2015 00:19

I mean it's not dishonest to keep your plans quiet. It is EXTREMELY dishonest to hide assets!

amarmai · 04/09/2015 00:36

and take the 1000 he is offering - you'll need it to start the bank account in your name only.

ouryve · 04/09/2015 00:42

Deez - I'm in a similar situation to you - gave up a well paid career to care for kids with SN. The difference is that we organise our finances so that I can be fully independent. My non taxpayer status means that it makes sense to have quick access savings in my name, which DH appreciates. Since I don't drive, we do have one good car - sizeable, reliable and practical, rather than particularly flash. We chose it together. DH doesn't question me when I spend money and trusts that even if I make a big purchase, I've thought it through.

Your situation is so far from how it should be when you've had to make sacrifices to care for a child with AN without jeopardising both of your careers that I could cry for you. Your H is such a selfish arsehole.

trackrBird · 04/09/2015 00:51

That's financial abuse, with likely verbal abuse as well.

....What IS it with these men and their cars? It's such a clear marker.

Anyway - Don't minimise this once you're over the shock, Deez. It is a problem. He is treating you with total contempt. Even if he says sorry, he didn't realise, or brings you flowers, or tries any other 'nice' trick which is in character for him, hold onto your anger, because you might need to take further steps.

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 04/09/2015 01:04

OP, I think you should take a look at the relationships board and then perhaps post there for some practical advice. There are some very wise posters there who have been where you are now and are now free.

You do not have to live like this.
He is financially abusive and emotionally abusive.
He is isolating you.
He is not a good man, husband or father.

You would be financially much better off as a single parent without the worry of your twat of a husband arbitrarily deciding to sell your primary means of transport and contact with the world.

sleeponeday · 04/09/2015 01:48

Please start a thread on Relationships. He is being awful. Flowers

Have you contact with any other mums with kids on the spectrum? It can help a lot.

sleeponeday · 04/09/2015 01:51

He is squandering family savings, not his, on a big mechanical penis, by the way. It's irrelevant whose name the savings are in when you are married - same as the house. They are marital assets.

I agree you need to try to establish where the savings etc are, but as it sounds like his department is one that demands financial probity at all costs, you're in a stronger position than many if you do divorce. He couldn't afford to fuck you around in declaring income and assets... and the pension is excellent, which he would have to split.

HelenaDove · 04/09/2015 01:52

t" became impossible to work and afford all the childcare "

You were paying for ALL the childcare wernt you

JanetBlyton · 04/09/2015 06:45

Well the childc are could have been a joint expense and you could be a super head on £100k a year by now whilst he rushes home to let the nanny leave etc. Anyway you are where you are. As you are married as people have said you would be if you parted entitled to at least half his cushion of savings and equity in the house.

It sounds like you need a car. Is there any way you could return to some part time work which would enable you to save up say £2k so you could buy a car for cash and run it? It sounds like you were a teacher and there are some current teacher shortages.

lavenderhoney · 04/09/2015 06:55

I should imagine he is now wondering what will happen next. What you will do. What he will do next. What would you usually do when he does this kind of stuff? Does he know you are on here?

It doesn't matter what is in his name only, it's a shared asset. And yes, you will be entitled to half his pension. Although it sounds as though now he will completely de value your contribution to the marriage and his career, and say he worked for it whilst you stayed at home and didn't have to work.

All that doesn't matter in divorce and splitting assets. No one cares why you left or why he left or whatever. You won't have to justify yourself and certainly not to him, which brings a special sort of freedom:) he doesn't help you at all anyway does he? You probably won't notice he's not there. Is he a hands on dad?

Start squirrelling away cash, take out cash back all the time and open an account without telling him, with no posted statements. Or keep the cash in a safe place. And take the £1000.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 04/09/2015 07:16

Do you really want to be in a relationship where you are treated with such contempt? I would start gathering all the data I could, is the house in your name? Savings accounts etc?

ohtheholidays · 04/09/2015 08:14

What an arsehole he is OP.

What you've described is financial abuse,I went through the same for 9 years it was bloody soul destroying!

I'm not surprised you want a divorce,you sound like a really nice person and I'm sure your husband knows he fell on his feet with you.

Before you speak to him,change your bank account,make sure he can't touch any money that is yours!
Start setting money aside for yourself and your son.
Keep records of all the shit he's put you through,selling your car without your permission,holding onto all the money in the relationship ect.
Any messages,emails,texts anything that can prove that you put your life and career on hold for the sake of the family which enabled him to climb the career ladder and make much more money.

Original poster
Deeznutz · 04/09/2015 11:46

Hello everyone.
I just wanted to thank you all for helping me stand up for myself. This morning I told him that as things stand at the moment constitutes financial abuse. I went onto say that his actions were demeaning and that he wouldn't have achieved what he has today without my solid support in the background keeping everything going. Last night I made a list of all the things I have done/continue to do and costed them as if we had outsourced them,which I presented to him. Let's just say he has had a bargain.

I explained that unless I was treated as an equal I would be walking out of the marriage and taking what is legally mine. He was shocked but he knew I meant it.

An hour ago he came to me and apologised. He said that there will be no more talk of 'his' money and that would I agree to having a joint bank account? He suggested that whatever was left at the end of the month would be split evenly and would be mine to do with what I wished or if there was a big project we could then equally contribute towards it. He also said that he was going to transfer half the savings across to me today so I can buy a replacement car of my choice. He said this evening we can go through all the accounts and do it every month to get a sense of where we are at.

So again, thank-you everyone. I feel cautious given his previous efforts but am going to let him try and put things right.

OP posts:
RandomSocks · 04/09/2015 11:53

What a brilliant outcome! I am thrilled for you, OP.

I hope you like your new car. Oh, and there is no need to keep the dog unless you want to.

JanetBlyton · 04/09/2015 11:55

Interesting that your car has to come out of your half of the savings. I hope his new car similarly comes out of his half of the savings then.

Good luck with it all.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/09/2015 11:57

I hope that he manages to keep up his new plan, Deez - make sure he does or kick him to the kerb.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/09/2015 11:57

That's more like it. See if he's as good as his word starting with tonight's talk about finances. You must have sounded seriously pissed off well done.

RandomSocks · 04/09/2015 11:57

Yes, OP should get her car and half of what is left from the savings. But it does sound like the DH got a wake-up call and responded well.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 04/09/2015 12:01

Bloody well done OP.

Make sure you keep that resolve.

LovelyFriend · 04/09/2015 12:02

Good on you Deez - bloody well done.
Yes tread cautiously, and see how things go, but that is a really good result - I hope he sticks with what he is saying.

I do agree you should get the £5k proceeds from the SALE OF YOUR CAR and then half the savings. Are you up for pushing him on this? It might be a good way to find out if he is actually prepared to walk the walk.

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