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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling angry that my DH has sold my car to buy himself a new one.

260 replies

Deeznutz · 03/09/2015 14:53

I am probably BU but am feeling more upset today than I thought I would. My DH bought me my dream little car for a special birthday three years ago ( a second hand fiat but I loved it) .For the last year he has been going on about how much it costs to run two cars and how I could do all my shopping online. We have a comfortable income which we both contribute towards.

I have felt a bit pressured into it if I'm being honest. I am a carer and he is a top civil servant although I was working in a good career until my son was diagnosed with autism and other disabilities.

In the last few weeks he went out and bought a large car putting my car and his three year old car towards it plus some savings.I said I wanted to see it first because we are supposed to be sharing it and I have only driven small cars and feel unsure about driving something so big. He bought it when I was caring for the children saying it was such a good deal he couldn't wait. He registered my car in his name despite the fact it was supposed to be a gift for me and just went and traded it in.

I think today I have had a delayed reaction as I feel uncharacteristically furious. I never cry but just can't seem to stop bursting into tears. It takes forty minutes to walk to my nearest town and I have a dog to walk as well ( it needs an 1.5 hours) that he got and never walks himself so it has fallen to me to pick up the slack. I have never expressed a desire to own a dog and don't enjoy having one. I recognise that family life is about compromise but it seems as if I am the only one compromising.

He is currently trying to smooze me which is making me angrier and angrier.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 03/09/2015 18:20

He doesn't sound like the type to happily pay a grand a year + back on the ops behalf. He sounds too mean to give her the steam off his piss.

I'd give him sulking. I'd give him sulking right up his tight arse. he'd soon know about it.

Honestly OP this is appalling. Stand up to him. Show him your metal. There are 2 ways that could go. But both are better than this.

Flowers
0x530x610x750x630x79 · 03/09/2015 18:23

He sounds too mean to give her the steam off his piss.

This isn't meanness, it is keeping her too broke/ too stuck at home to do anything else but take his shit.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/09/2015 18:26

I agree with the approach suggested by 3 Little Frogs. Keep your powder dry and gather as much info as possible. The car is only a symptom of a much deeper problem with your marriage.

BlackeyedSusan · 03/09/2015 18:26

read more now (rtft) divorce sounds a ver y good option.

cite finacial abuse on the forms.

MillionToOneChances · 03/09/2015 18:30

You could not be LESS unreasonable. Flowers

CalmYourselfTubbs · 03/09/2015 18:32

he's very controlling, isn't he?
he is abusing you financially.
i would divorce him.
they tend to get worse in old age too so you have long life of penury ahead of you.
expect to be old and miserable in the future.
get out now and make sure you get all your entitlements.

pluck · 03/09/2015 18:32

The world is a horrible enough place without arseholes making it even shittier... and for no reason whatsoever, other than possibly that your caring is "showing up" his small soul!

Archfarchnad · 03/09/2015 18:39

"Keep very quiet until he goes away for work. Then find and photocopy every single piece of financial information you can and go and see a solicitor. Look for pay slips, statements, tax returns, whatever you can find. Hide everything in a safe place.
Then file for divorce.
Re-home the dog."

This is surely your only sensible option at this stage.

TheWernethWife · 03/09/2015 18:40

I've always had little Flats. How could a 500 cost a lot to run, you can park them in a tiny space and they run on a "teaspoon" of petrol

SouthWesterlyWinds · 03/09/2015 18:44

WellWhoKnew and TheFormidableMrsC is a fantastic example to read. Especially the last scene in court. She was a quiet force who slowly but surely gave STBXH a run for his presumption and money ????

But yes, YANBU and he should not have done that. The £1000 is a slap in the £5000 face and he's a cunt because he clearly did it all whilst you weren't there to object when he struck the deal.

YellowTulips · 03/09/2015 19:05

He knows he's fucked up because he is offering money to placate you.

Ask him outright for access to the savings. He probably has online banking so tell him to log in and see how much you BOTH have.

This is more than just the car - its financial abuse and you need to stop subsiding his ego.

That means equal access to money and equal decision making.

He needs to buy you a replacement car or fuck off.

JustMeAndHim · 03/09/2015 19:10

I'm so sorry this is just awful Flowers

If you do want to leave him I agree with what has been said about. I don't want to be presumptuous about his character but her could be squirrelling money away and if you don't find some kind of proof he may try and hide it. Forewarned is forearmed.

Find a good solicitor too. Most decent ones will offer first hour free. But do some real research and speak to others, you want one that will screw him to the wall.

And if you do sell the dog...keep the money!

JustMeAndHim · 03/09/2015 19:10

What has been said above that should say!

Pleurepaslabouchepleine · 03/09/2015 19:21

I'm disgusted on your behalf Sad

TheWernethWife · 03/09/2015 19:23

If the car has only gone today, surely he can buy it back from the dealers!!!

partialderivative · 03/09/2015 20:02

Your OP does suggest that you had discussed this with him beforehand, and that your proviso was that you get to see the car beforehand.

So had you agreed to this in principle?

Topseyt · 03/09/2015 20:51

If you need to rehome the dog (and it sounds like you may need to) then please do so via the proper channels, like Dogs Trust etc., or a breed specific rescue.

You are in a shitty position, but it is your DH's fault, not the dog's. Basically, he got a dog without any thought at all as to how it was going to fit in with family life, and surprise surprise, it hasn't worked out. All because of how thoughtless your DH is regarding anyone or anything other than himself. I would bet that he didn't even think of the dog as a sentient being in its own right (they are). He just went blithely on ahead and lumbered you when you didn't want it.

Try to progress on other fronts, such as the finances and the car. This man is just not worth the hassle and grief he is giving you.

Topseyt · 03/09/2015 20:57

If I am honest here, I should add that I am a dog person and have two of my own.

In the dog world we might well decide to keep the dog and rehome the "D" H as the dog would be more supportive.

There's something in it, though I do understand you are not a dog person. Wink

The dog needs treated and rehomed properly. The DH twat can look out for and rehome himself.

LadyTmalia · 03/09/2015 21:07

I watch to many episodes of "cant pay ..." I dont think having a name on the legal document (v5?) is proof of ownership.

This car was a gift to you, you were the named driver/had your own insurance. You put fuel in it? Took it for its mot.

If you do get divorced, this is a big reason to state, he stole your birthday gift and sold it without your consent for his own purpose.

A registration document (V5) is not proof of ownership. The registered keeper should be the person who is actually using / keeping the vehicle and this is not necessarily the owner of the vehicle or the person who is paying for it.

Tiptops · 03/09/2015 21:18

Are you ok deez ? Or as ok as you can be in the circumstances?

Won't add to the chorus of his bad behaviour, but suffice to say YANBU. Driving is such a huge part of independence, not to mention the fact your car was a present.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/09/2015 22:23

OP, you said you were previously in a good career, but have stopped working to care for your disabled child. Has your H made you feel bad about yourself based on that choice? Is he at all supportive to you? Has he put you down because you are no longer 'contributing' to the family finances?

I think he sounds abusive. Emotionally and financially if not otherwise.

coffeeisnectar · 03/09/2015 22:39

What a,wanker. Fuming on your behalf.

I echo everyone who has suggested using his time away to sort out finances.

Original poster
Deeznutz · 03/09/2015 23:13

Yes I was in a good career- in education. After one of my children was diagnosed it became impossible to work and afford all the childcare so we made a joint decision that I would do it. This allowed him to climb the career ladder without having to do any of the childcare and domestic stuff and enabled him to work the varied hours he said were required of him in his role.

He makes snide comments at times- half in jest but with an edge. He has routinely complained about the cost of everything yet I recently discovered he has put away quite a cushion in his savings account. I have no savings.

I think I have been so busy doing everything that I have lost sight of how unfair this has become. Feeling really upset tonight.

OP posts:
BagelwithButter · 03/09/2015 23:28

It's really hard, I can only imagine, to be realising these things.

But I think others who are far more savvy than I, have shown you that you must be clever in what you do for your future.

It's SO important that you gather all information re. accounts, savings, bonds, shares etc so that you are armed and informed whatever you decide to do. It can't be right that he is accumulating savings and "allowing" you nothing.

What is his attitude to your children?

AcrossthePond55 · 03/09/2015 23:37

I think your feelings are natural and just. As you say, you giving up your career to 'man the home front' is what has enabled your H to climb the ladder. You should be treated as an equal partner in this marriage as your contribution is just as valuable as his. Instead you have been marginalized. It always amazes me that so many of these men who agree wholeheartedly that their wives should stay home seem to start off appreciative of her efforts then eventually feel she is not 'pulling her share' (whatever the hell that means) or that her 'work' has less value than his. I wonder where that 'disconnect' comes from in some men? Certainly my father always appreciated my mother and considered her his equal partner in decisions. My sister's DH is the same. Well, I guess I'm woolgathering, aren't I?

Do you think there's any point in talking to him? But I think first you need to decide if you even care enough to talk.

Even if you aren't decided, I think you should see a solicitor. Not to take action, just to get a realistic picture of where you stand as a SAHM and what you can expect given your H's financial situation. Gather what financial information you can, especially regarding his salary, and make an appointment.

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