To think you should go 'out out' less when you are a mum?

[Notimefortossers]

I've got two friends who still love to go out loads even though they've got kids. One is a single mum and whilst I can see where she might need the release it means she asks friends to have her DS A LOT, often overnight or even for a couple of days. The other has a DP, but told me tonight that her DD (4) still cries every single time she goes out . . . which by her own admission is A LOT! I can't help feeling sorry for the kids! They're only little for such a short time and they need there Mama's don't they?
My DH and I used to be quite the party animals, but it's mostly stopped since we've had kids. We still relish going out when we do (probably about 3 times a year and usually for something we feel we have to go to like a wedding, birthday work event etc or sometimes because we REALLY need it!) . . . AIBU to think that once you've had kids you ought to dial it down and do what's best for them? We've got years of going out still ahead of us when they're grown!
How often do others go out? Maybe I'm the weird one! x

There really is a happy medium to be had, and you seem to be missing it by a country mile, OP.

Our social life has been dialled down loads since the DC arrived, but going out only three times a year would leave me (and DH) feeling very isolated and unfulfilled.

You can judge that and say it makes us bad parents, but I would completely disagree with you. And with all kindness, say that your set-up seems exactly like the sort of - if not unhappy - then certainly just an 'existence' that we would do our utmost to avoid.

My parents had a big circle of friends. They certainly weren't out all the time - a lot of their group entertaining was done at home - but they absolutely nurtured their friendships, and those people are family friends to this day. I lost my Mum 13 years ago and my lovely Dad passed away last month. I can't tell you how much having all their friends around us at this time has meant to my brother and me.

"Years ago I would have said my DH was possibly controlling, but not now but maybe that's because my behaviour is more acceptable to him now?"

Or in other words you've caved in and accepted all his attempts to put you back into your box rules and you've woken up and realised your life is disappearing into the rearview mirror?

From everything you've said here, your DH is very controlling and you are transferring your irritation and resentment at this into judgement and envy of other women who you perceive to be having more fun/freedom than you are. I've done it myself.

There is no rule as to how often you or your DH should go out. As long as your children are not being harmed, you are not imposing on others and you are having regular quality time with them, it doesn't matter if its once a week or once every six months.

As others have said upthread, becoming a mummy martyr is a fast way to create entitled children who think the world revolves around them while you lose track of who you are.

Don't lose your life and your friendships just to become an idealised, Stepford Wife ideal that your husband has created in his head. It won't help you or your children.

My mum was a mummy martyr- she often made negative comments about mums who went out.

She took pride in never staying out past 7 when I was little.

God, she was a pain!

I felt like I should apologise for being born!

It's good for children's development to be cared for by more than 1/2 people regularly.

Ime DCs who are never out of their parents sight grow up to be anxious adults.

TheDowager. You post brought a tear to my eye. I hope you and your bro are OK and found your post very reassuring.

So because you have children who will be asleep when you are out and who are being left with another of their parents we should stay in and become mum only? Rather than ourselves (the parenting lark is only full on for a tiny portion of your life, what happens when they don't need you anymore?) do we have to be mummy martyrs ' won't somebody think of the children! '?
I think if the children are being cared for there is no issue, as for the 4 year old crying, it's because her mum is going out without her, which is allowed it, doesn't make her bad. I've kept going out regularly and go away with friends for a weekend every year. My dcs are absolutely fine. They are with their dad, who believe it or not is just as competent a parent as me. (probably because I didn't play the martyr and do it all myself)
If anyone used to watch Cold Feet I feel like Karen did when she exploded at her old friend who had gone from interesting human to someone obsessed with her kids and had no other conversation.

Goodness. I must be a horrible mother.

This makes me want to start going out. What do people do? I can't spend alot and get bored on my own. Parents at school only go out once a term ish. I don't do clubbing or getting drunk but would enjoy intelligent conversation etc. I miss having friends around for dinner. I couldn't invite a bunch of school couples as they wouldn't have babysitters.

We used to socialise as a couple with other couples but moved area etc and now most of my social contact is at the school gate, with kids.

I guess I'm in a similar position to op.

Dowager "I can't tell you how much having all their friends around us at this time has meant to my brother and me."

yes, I can imagine. My folks are not in the best of health. I can't be there all the time (obviously) but I feel very reassured that they chug along well with friends who are like family.

my friends are also family to me. It's good stuff.

Sorry I've been absent! Apparently MN had LOT's of reports about my thread and they suspended my account! Random! I find that all a bit odd. I was prepared to be told IWBU, but to report me? Have I said something that was overly offensive or broken any guidelines? I only joined yesterday and now I'm a bit scared to say anything at all. But never mind! If it happens again I'll just give it up as a bad job!

No I didn't come from Netmums. I've never been on there n dunno what you're all going on about with regards to 'them'.

Can't figure out how to put stuff in bold yet so . . .

I bet you went to the same suburban disco every time, with the same friends, danced to the same generic chart shit and had the same fucking conversation over and over again.

Ha! You could not be more wrong. I hate that shit.

But anyway.

I've been giving it a lot of thought and I think the way I've become has had a lot of contributing factors really. Not just kids and DH, but things that have happened within my friendship group, people letting me down etc. also finances . . . we were skint for quite a long time!

However, we're now in a position where I think I could go out more and you guys have made me realise that perhaps I would be happier and a more relaxed mummy if I did. So I thank you for that. I don't think I've lost myself by any means, there's still loads of stuff I do/like that is just me. And I'm still social, I just tend to socialize in the day either with the kids or while they're at school. There's plenty of people I could call on/things I could do in the evening if I made the effort.

I'm going to tell the DH what I've been thinking and how I'm feeling and say I'm going to start going out once a month with my friends and encourage him to do the same. And I'm also going to ask my mum if she could commit to having the kids overnight once a month so DH and I can go out together.

Thanks all for the replies, although as a new poster I think a lot of people could get their point across without being so rude about it.

Really glad to hear that, OP. By the way, I sometimes force myself to go out. I know it's good for me and I'll be happy once I'm there.

Nothing exciting is going to happen at home on on the couch.

Yeh whenever I do go out I usually feel like I can't be arsed before hand but then love it once I'm there!

"Ime DCs who are never out of their parents sight grow up to be anxious adults." So agree with this!!

"What do people do?" As I said upthread : cinema, theatre, hobbies, lectures, also museums, art galleries, gigs and concerts, sports, jeez even go for a swim or exercise class. OP there's a lot of free/subsidised stuff though I hope finances are better for you now. What does your dh do? Does he go down the pub for a pint? To the gym?

Hope I wasn't rude but I do think you need to be a little kinder in your views of others especially us single mum's who have enough judgement off politicians and media.

"Yeh whenever I do go out I usually feel like I can't be arsed before hand but then love it once I'm there!"

I think a lot of us feel that way, I do wrt some activities as I'm a bit anxious in crowds but yes once there enjoy it and am glad I've gone.

Finances are better for us now and hopefully should stay that way if our life plan pans out! Lol!

Gigs and concerts are my thing really, but I prefer to go with my DH because we have the same taste in music and I don't really have any friends that like the same stuff musically as we do. Also, cheesy as it sounds, he actually is my best friend. (Bleurgh! ;))

I think I would enjoy just catching up with the girls though, even just popping round for a couple of glasses and some uninterrupted conversation!

Thing is, after 7 years of kind of hermitting, it would be a bit random for me to just send a message saying 'Hey! Fancy catching up this week?' Plus, I also kinda feel like a lot of my friends dumped me when I had a baby (I was the first one in my friendship group to have one) and I'm not sure whether it's better to just cut my losses there and start building new friendships. I'm not only friends with that group, there's lot's of other Mum's I've met since having kids that I could spend more time with.

DH likes going to the pub. Just goes on his own, chats all night with everyone in there and usually comes home totally paralytic cos he can't handle his drink anymore! Ha!

I'm sorry too as I didn't realise my views were unkind.

OP, on the money front, I have to be careful too so most of my socialising is at my place or my friends' places. You don't have to be in a bar etc to enjoy the company of friends. You have DH so you can leave the children with him.

bringthenoise When I said less I meant less than you did before you were a mum. I currently go out about the same amount as you, but I'm making plans to change that.

bringthenoise No I don't get it either and what's worrying me is that they said they'd had LOT'S of reports?!?

Your right dcs are small for a short time so its probably a good idea to maintain friendships.

Yeh I can see that. But like you don't get why it was report worthy! What did they even put in there report? This person is judgemental? Sue me! Aren't we all sometimes! I do my very best not to be judgemental and do very much think to each their own in most cases, but we're human and I think sometimes you can't help it. I'm always open to other people's opinions.

I don't think reporting you was necessary I've seen much worse posts! And you've been gracious in accepting perhaps your initial views weren't quite reasonable and may be coloured by your own experience.

As for what to say to be existing/potential friends. Why not use new school year as an excuse? So kinda like a new years resolution? Make up an internet article? Also have a look at meetup? There's tons of groups on there. For all kinds of things Inc music interests, you can still go with dh too but it would widen the social circle for you both and you might be introduced to new bands you like and be able to take advantage of group discounts.

Thanks Baconyum. I've definitely seen worse posts on here too and comments that are borderline abuse! Never mind. Hopefully it's just a blip.

What's meetup? Have you got a link for me?

The school mums organise a night out every so often. I've never been as I previously felt I'd rather scratch my own eyeballs out, but maybe I ought to try it once! Lol!