To think you should go 'out out' less when you are a mum?

[Notimefortossers]

I've got two friends who still love to go out loads even though they've got kids. One is a single mum and whilst I can see where she might need the release it means she asks friends to have her DS A LOT, often overnight or even for a couple of days. The other has a DP, but told me tonight that her DD (4) still cries every single time she goes out . . . which by her own admission is A LOT! I can't help feeling sorry for the kids! They're only little for such a short time and they need there Mama's don't they?
My DH and I used to be quite the party animals, but it's mostly stopped since we've had kids. We still relish going out when we do (probably about 3 times a year and usually for something we feel we have to go to like a wedding, birthday work event etc or sometimes because we REALLY need it!) . . . AIBU to think that once you've had kids you ought to dial it down and do what's best for them? We've got years of going out still ahead of us when they're grown!
How often do others go out? Maybe I'm the weird one! x

www.meetup.com

But mainly works as an app.

Blimey, once a week seems reasonable to me. Imagine how clingy that child would be if the mum only went out a few times a year, they would be hysterical.

We don't necessarily go out once a week but sometimes we go twice, sometimes not at all. I go out to exercise 2 nights a week as does DH and the DCs stay at my mums on one of those nights. I feel it is so important to have your own life too, my DCs are settled and secure.

My DCs are always my priority but that doesn't mean I don't have a life, I would never neglect friendships either, they are an important part of my life too. We are not party animals but any stretch of the imagination but will go out for a drink/meal when we fancy it.

Theatre and gigs would be a good start for nights out for you, also the odd school mum night out can be ok. The trouble is with gigs is that my now 9 YO wants to tag along with us

Does no one ever feel they're putting on others though by asking them to have the DC so often? I've said before, but in case you've not read it all . . . my mum is fab and loves my kids to bits, but she has two businesses, a partner and a life of her own. I feel a bit guilty just asking her to commit to once a month!
It's different if you pay babysitters I guess, but we can't afford to do that weekly.
I guess it depends on how many people you have to ask. My DH's family are all overseas and my Dad in Scotland (plus I don't like him. Lol), so there's really only my mum.
And have recently found one friend who doesn't seem to mind and I have her DS too when she needs.

We swap baby sitting with friends so can go out as a couple once a month together which is really needed. We ask other friends sometimes if those friends (who work shifts) can't do a specific date that we want. We don't have any family close by to ask.

But we both go out ourselves as well, e.g. I had a yoga class tonight, DH meets up with friends from work (and trying to get him to join the local running club which I think he'd enjoy). And we both work and that's a really important time to be 'ourselves' as well.

It is easy to lose yourself into being a parent over everything. Take advantage of your Mum, I'm sure she loves babysitting the kids and once a month isn't much (my DB and SIL are currently on a 1 week trip abroad while Mum looks after their kids, I'm green with envy!).

No offence OP but it does sound like a social life issue. I'm childfree and I babysit occasionally to help out, but my friends do stuff for me so I don't feel put upon. Their main source of sitters is their other friends with children. The single mums wouldnt get out at all without those networks. I still think the most obvious thing for you is to leave them with DH while you get out and about again.

I notice you say your friends dropped you when you had a baby. I realise you've learned a lot since your opening post, but given that you did in fact start off with these ideas, are you sure they didn't feel you had abandoned them? Is it worth rekindling any of those friendships?

I have 3 DC though so it's a big ask for anyone to have them. Although they are good kids, but one is 7 months so at that age they're hard work on their own!
I do leave them with DH to go shopping or to work or whatever and have asked for favours from friends and even colleagues when I've needed to (like when my Grandad was dying and lived 2 hours away and I had to shoot up there). But it just feels a bit indulgent to ask just for the sake of me going out (not all the time, but if it was very often), especially when occasionally I do HAVE to ask, so people are already helping me out.
I'm happy with once a month for myself and once a month with DH. Anymore than that and I think I would be impacting on our time together as we only have three evenings and two full days a week together anyway.
I'm pretty much a full time mum. I go into the office once a week while the oldest two are at school and leave the baby with DH and do the rest of my hours from home (mostly in the evenings actually! :/) so I wouldn't feel guilty about the time I spend with my DC particularly if we/I are going out after they're in bed . . . but I would feel guilty about asking someone else to have them all the time.

I think part of it is I'd choose to socialise with my husband. He does funny hours and is often away so I really value the evenings we do have together. I'd love to make friends as a couple with other couples. Not sure how to start to make girlfriends of the sort I'd spend evenings with as most of my friends are daytime mummy friends who are like me!

Notime - I dont think we're massively unusual. Perhaps just unusual for mn.

No I don't think initially my friends felt I'd abandoned them. I still made the effort for a long time, but kept finding things happened like they'd all go on a group day out (drinking or whatever) and assumed I wouldn't be able to come so didn't invite me. It happened many times and many times I forgave it and continued to arrange group gatherings etc . . . but in the end I stopped bothering.

Yes it might be worth re-kindling some of those relationships, but I'd have to think on which ones! Lol!

I've become quite a different person as I've aged as well and I think we've kind of grown away from each other. Might be worth me finding new friends that have similar belief systems/ideals/interests etc.

How many friends is one supposed to have though?! Lol. I have a handful of close friends that I could probably see more, do more for, but we're still close nonetheless. Perhaps I should just nurture those relationships, spend more time with them and make more memories. Can't have too many! I've not got time for them all! Lol

Well your ivory tower sounds lovely OP. Long may it last. When DH was alive (DD1 was three when he died) we each used to go out 1-2 timea per week. Nothing wild - he had a hobby and I saw friends/popped to pub. We maintained our independent lives as individuals. DD was in bed most of the time we were out anyway.

And thank fuck I did spend that time on my friendships. Because when he died I needed my friends desperately and I needed the sense of self I had worked hard to preserve.

Nowadays I go out once a week, occasionally twice. I also work four days a week. I earn the money, I parent my kids and I maintain a social life otherwise I'd go batshit mental. My daughters are 5 and 1 (I was 36 weeks pregnant when he died). So yes - my girls need their 'mama' (are you on American TV??) but they also need me sane.

This weekend I am going on a date Saturday night and seeing friends Sunday night. Judge away and hope your rose tinted world never comes crashing down.

Bit harsh grobags but you've had a really shit hand dealt you, I can understand why you'd be angry and I can't imagine how awful things have been for you. You're living one of my worst nightmare's and sounds like you're doing amazing so only have respect for you

OP - to be honest I was so harsh because your posts worried me. All women MUST maintain social lives and friendships because you never know when you will need them. Fifty percent of ppl divorce and 1/28 children will lose a parent before the age of 18. So in the nicest possible way please get yourself a life! ;-) Your DC don't need you 7 nights a week, truly.

I dunno if you've read all the posts, but I do have a life. Just don't go out much in the evenings. But I plan to sort that out.
If I lost my DH or a parent or anything awful happened to me I do have people that would be there for me and I'm very thankful for them

did your friends really dump you because had a baby or did they dump you because they sensed your new superiority complex?

I get what u mean about worrying about putting on people. Re your mum I think she'd love em once a month plus change as good as a rest.

As for your having 3 kids my bff used to worry same as we had arrangement where she had mine once a week n I had hers a whole weekend a month she'd 2 I've only 1 but honestly its easier when they've someone to play with. My dd n hers would play n watch Disney

Her son is a bookworm and history buff like me and we'd have lovely talks and read together and google history nonsense I actually miss those weekends. She's moved away but we're all still really close. Dd and her dd call each other sisters.

Yes nurture the ones you do have but be open to making new ones.

I lost myself a little bit from having dc, partly by circumstance and becoming a lp and ex working funny shifts. My youngest is a crap sleeper so I hate asking people other than dad to look after them and can't afford babysitters. It's easy to fall into that funk and before you know it, that's your life. I detested sitting in every night, bored and lonely and found I had nothing to talk about to people when I ran into them. I have started to make changes, forcing myself at first but now enjoy it and feel refreshed after spending some time in the company of other adults.

Making sure I meet up every few weeks with the friends I do have.

I check the listings on our culture and arts venue and go to events that pique my interest. Usually there's lots of people by themselves to a talk to.

Meetups that someone linked to upthread is fab. I joined it a few months ago and have met some lovely people through that. Done all sorts - coffees, cinema, sports, concert. A few of us are now talking about meeting outside of the planned group events some night we all get free.

If I had half a chance I would do a night class but can't.

It is achievable to regain some sort of social life again but it is up to you to do it.

The school mums organise a night out every so often. I've never been as I previously felt I'd rather scratch my own eyeballs out

See, to me, that seems unnecessarily, over-the-top hyperbole.

Why would you rather 'scratch your own eyeballs out' than go out and have a laugh and some down time with nice people? School mums aren't a separate species of sub-humans.

I've made friends with the Mums of some of my DCs' classmates. Not because they're Mums of their classmates, but because they're nice, fun to be around, shared sense of humor, and we get on well. You know, normal people.

Not sure what's going on, but me think the lady doth protest way too much.

My parents are happy to have the DCs overnight once a week, my dad still works full time and my mum has her own business. She has them Mon 6ish, takes them to school Tues, collects them then I pick them up by 6pm. She also has my nephew for a full day on a Friday. Between my two and my nephew she probably has them on an additional night at the weekend about once a fortnight.

My grandparents did the same and I hope I feel the same when I have grandchildren.

We occasionally pay a babysitter or my brother will pop over but my mum always says to ask first as she can always say no if she can't/doesn't want too. We also have SIL and my best friend who has them overnight. We return the favours of course.

DH dj's once a fortnight and although it's work he gets to drink socialise with his friends whilst he's out, I therefore go out once a fortnight with my friends to equal it out. Normally once a month one of our mums will have DD for the night so we can go out. This month being the exception as its DH's birthday, we have a wedding to go to(which DD is invited to but will not be staying for the whole evening, I may come home with her) and a gig in London that's been planned since long before DD was born. So this month I am having guilty mum syndrome for leaving my DD with DM or MIL a few times but it's important to have a social life to keep your identity and not be defined by being a mum.

TheDowagerCuntess I think maybe because the mum that ALWAYS organises all the mum's nights out AND the weekly play dates throughout the summer holidays IS a separate species of sub-human ;)

But I'm sure there are people that go that aren't. Next time they have one. I'll go

My two year old DD is asleep by 7.30. Sometimes both her parents are in the house, sometimes one, sometimes grandma.
She is completely unfazed by this and it means DH and I have time together and time to pursue hobbies.

So erm yes YABU

Me and Mrs Bough quite often we do most of our socialising together and meals with select friends, and separate nights out maybe 2-3 times a yr...

Sometimes friendships grow in the same direction and sometimes they grow apart, having children and being a family man is much, much more satisfying than any night out with friends... There does seem to be a cultish obsession for parents to continue to behave as they did whilst single and for some of you it will ultimately cost you your relationships..

I agree with that Frank. A PP said that 50% of people get divorced. Why? Are they giving enough to their marriages?

I think it's downright weird that some people think that once you have a child, you should spend 24 hours a day with them (even when they are asleep). You don't stop having your own personality and interests because you've given birth. And I don't think many men feel guilty for pursuing their hobbies once they become fathers. And I'm sure your kids don't care whether you go out once a week for a run, or for a drink with friends, or to learn a new language. Whatever floats your boat.

I didn't go out much when my ds was small but I still don't. But it's not particularly because of him, I didn't go out much before he was born because we lived in an area where we had to drive to go out, and of course then you can't drink (and didn't want to pay extortionate taxi fares) so we stayed at home with a bottle of wine. Now when we get the opportunity we can walk to restaurants in less than ten minutes so we can enjoy a nice meal with a bottle of wine.