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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not enjoy my children's childhoods?

217 replies

Maisieknew · 02/09/2015 08:38

It's the back to school inevitability that's prompted this.

My feelings here are really conflicted as I think if I could have my time over I'd still have children. But I don't enjoy them as children. I find the sort of family based activities for young (primary school aged and under) so tedious and largely pointless and I don't enjoy a lot of the things you're supposed to enjoy and take pride in (I hate school plays, parents evening bored me to tears, I just can't get excited about sports day.)

I don't know if I am alone and I do love them - I just don't find under 12s interest me much.

OP posts:

LondonZoo · 03/09/2015 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Maisieknew · 03/09/2015 08:08

I think fundamentally where we disagree London is that if and when my children discover my lack of enthusiasm for parks, plays and Disney, our relationship will shatter beyond repair.

I know my children and suspect they will find it funny rather than upsetting!

OP posts:

Ledkr · 03/09/2015 08:30

It depends on the child I think.
My babies were all a bit wingey but my toddlers have all been hilarious and good fun. I find tantrums and suchlike a challenge.
My youngest starts school Monday and I'm not looking forward to endless notes, reading disrys and school politics.
My 13yr old dd is currently cheeky, disorganised and hormonal and I'm not enjoying that one single bit!

Fadingmemory · 03/09/2015 08:35

I enjoyed sports days, school plays etc because at least then the children weren't at home fighting and shouting at one another. I loathed school holidays and did all I could to give them fun and interesting activities but whatever I did they fought. I so looked forward to having children and enjoyed so little of their childhoods. They are all grown now, one working and two in HE. I live on my own most of the time and the peace is amazing.

Siennasun · 03/09/2015 09:54

I wonder why you started this post OP. I suspect Londin was close to the mark when she asked if you want everyone to say you are a "role model mother" You don't seem interested and are very defensive about other peoples perspectives, unless they are in agreement with you.

Interestingly, a number of posters have said that they liked their babies and small children but struggled as the children grew - don't the same points still apply then?
Yes, they still apply. Why would you not try to enjoy every stage of your child's life? Why dismiss all of their childhood up to 12 as just not interesting to you? I don't think most people who struggle with older children do so because they have grown bored with them.
Most toddlers really want to play and spend time with their parents. That's not necessarily true with teenagers.
By the time you've decided your kids are interesting enough for you to enjoy them, they may have decided that you are tedious and largely pointless.

Dancergirl · 03/09/2015 09:58

I also wonder why you started this post OP. Are you looking for validation that it's 'ok' to feel like you do? Otherwise why not just accept your feelings without the need for strangers' approval?

Original poster

Maisieknew · 03/09/2015 10:02

'Why did you start this post' means 'I think you are wrong and a terrible person but you just won't accept it!'

OP posts:

SheGotAllDaMoves · 03/09/2015 10:08

I think it's all about balance.

Children do not need to believe that you find them and everything in their lives endlessly fascinating. Indeed, as children get older they should perfectly understand that their lives and interests are not the centre of the universe. Children who are brought up to believe this are often wildly unpleasant and end up as difficult teens.

However, children need to know that you do find some aspects interesting/fun/lovely, otherwise they can feel rejected.

But more importantly for you OP, as someone said upthread, you might as well find the positives, the genuine enjoyment, because you're going to have to do it anyway .

Dancergirl · 03/09/2015 10:55

'Why did you start this post' means 'I think you are wrong and a terrible person but you just won't accept it!'

Errrmm, no it doesn't, not in my case anyway, I can't speak for others. I meant it to say 'why did you start this post?'.

Original poster

Maisieknew · 03/09/2015 10:58

Oh, do you ask everybody then?

I mean, it is fairly obvious isn't it :) but I'll answer you anyway.

To see if anybody else was like me. As I said in my OP, many parents seem distressed at the thought of their children growing up whilst I don't.

To see what aspects of parenting small ones people did enjoy

To see what different ages and stages people do like (to have a chat/conversation in other words.)

I'm sure you've asked everybody that; after all, people really should explain themselves before they post. It's obviously very silly to come on a talk forum and talk, without distinctly explaining the reasons behind that.

OP posts:

Siennasun · 03/09/2015 11:12

Why are you getting so angry and calling everyone silly when they don't agree with you?

Original poster

Maisieknew · 03/09/2015 11:13

I'm not angry, I'm laughing!

OP posts:

Siennasun · 03/09/2015 11:15

And also Dancer said "I can't speak for others" so your "did you ask everyone" comment just makes no sense.

Siennasun · 03/09/2015 11:21

Fwiw I don't think you are wrong or a terrible person. Its not really a wrong or right type of issue. Not really sure why you are so defensive about it, or maybe you are joking again?

Original poster

Maisieknew · 03/09/2015 11:21

I'm wondering if every time you post on a thread you ask the person why they posted.

I do hope that makes sense now :) (said nicely, not angrily, in case you're wondering.)

OP posts:

workhorse · 03/09/2015 11:24

OP, you sound a lot like my mum (also a teacher), with whom my sister and I have always had a great relationship. However, DM made it quite clear from the start that she hates crafts and board games: occasionally she’d suffer a bit of Monopoly but then we’d let her off the hook! Likewise she didn’t do cooking or anything sporty together, although she loved reading to us and has always liked going out for a meal and a good chat. But we know she’s always been there for us, and she and dad gave us the most secure upbringing with unconditional love and support. I’m sure your children feel the same.

When our DSs were young I made sure the boring bits were interspersed with the activities I enjoyed the most: weekly trips to Kew Gardens, all swimming as a family on Sunday morning, going to a coffee shop in the park. I love the teenage years – the banter, the friends hanging out, finding out about different music, watching Breaking Bad together and so on. But at the same time it’s more anxiety inducing as my DSs are extremely social and like to be out late clubbing, drinking, at festivals etc… So a mixed bag, like all stages I guess.

Siennasun · 03/09/2015 11:28

I think that's an odd question. I don't ask the same questions on every thread. On most threads it's clear why they were started. you still sound a bit angry tbh

Original poster

Maisieknew · 03/09/2015 11:29

Thanks workhorse, that's a lovely post :)

Your DS's sound great. Teenage boys are fab

OP posts:

Dancergirl · 03/09/2015 11:42

Not just regarding to your relationship with your dc, but surely being in a relationship with anyone you love and care about means sometimes doing things you don't necessarily enjoy but that other person does? Just to say 'I don't 'do' arts and crafts, theme parks etc' seems a bit inflexible. Why not occasionally rather than never? And it's about more than just the activity. It teaches your child about being flexible and unselfish and sometimes putting up with stuff you'd rather not be doing.

Original poster

Maisieknew · 03/09/2015 11:48

I didn't say I didn't do theme parks :) I'm sure I've mentioned once or twice we are going to Peppa Pig World.

It's true I don't do arts and crafts, but my DDs are so little it would be entirely led by me and I am shocking so it is avoided. I do colour in and draw.

They do plenty, rest assured. Loads. Walks in the country, glamping, ice skating, skiing, swimming occasionally, soft play, museums, theme parks occasionally, the zoo, the park, the sea life centre.

Do I enjoy some of those things - absolutely - will I enjoy them MORE without a shrieky toddler - yep!

OP posts:

Savagebeauty · 03/09/2015 13:00

I'm the one who never did theme parks dancergirls
Ever.
My dcs took themselves when they were old enough.

LillianGish · 03/09/2015 14:26

I don't think taking them to Peppa Pig world is compulsory is it? I tended to steer mine towards things I was interested in - I taught them to play tennis for instance (obviously not as toddlers but once they were old enough!), saw some fantastic theatre with them, watched films I'd loved as a child, took them to galleries to see exhibitions I loved and managed to enthuse them too. And other stuff as well where, as a previous poster pointed out, the main joy was in seeing how they reacted - and often they would enthuse me in return, by knowing stuff I didn't know (and introduced me to some fantastic shows on CBBC). I don't think I ever took them to a theme park and I avoided soft play like the plague though they did go with friends sometimes. Now they are teens (well ds not quite but nearly) I still love doing things with them and I am so happy they still want to do stuff with me. They still love a bit of sight seeing (we live in Paris at the mo) and we have some great family games of tennis. I think it's just really important to enjoy them in the moment - because you never know what's round the corner. But agree with you about not getting people who want to turn back the clock - they are children the whole point is that they grow up! I also think it's quite telling that the OP is a secondary school teacher so hardly surprising she should prefer teenagers and just as well surely!

BoboChic · 03/09/2015 14:46

You really don't have to indulge your DC in all the dire low grade entertainment that has been dreamt up by the marketing men in order to part you from your hard-earned cash but I think it is only the mean-spirited and selfish who never enjoy school plays/choir concerts/sports days etc (though these things can be so badly executed that they are embarrassing, of course). Seeing your DC learn and grow, with their peers, is a fantastic thing. If you really aren't interested - well, your poor DC!

JugglingFromHereToThere · 03/09/2015 14:53

We went to a theme park once as DS really wanted to go - and had even collected some tokens from somewhere. It was a memorable and good day - nice to do together. But it also had interminable queues and terrifying rides. Once was enough!
We also did a water park in Mallorca once and I'd do that again. Much more fun!

LillianGish · 03/09/2015 15:10

I think the OP's enthusiasm for all things school possibly stems from the fact that she works in one. Going to the dcs' school has always been a bit of a novelty for me - I'm quite intrigued to a glimpse into the place where they spend so much of their time and which plays such a large role in shaping them (especially as it bears no relation to the schools I went to). I think if you work in a school it's probably less of a mystery and a bit of a busman's holiday.

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