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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not enjoy my children's childhoods?

217 replies

Maisieknew · 02/09/2015 08:38

It's the back to school inevitability that's prompted this.

My feelings here are really conflicted as I think if I could have my time over I'd still have children. But I don't enjoy them as children. I find the sort of family based activities for young (primary school aged and under) so tedious and largely pointless and I don't enjoy a lot of the things you're supposed to enjoy and take pride in (I hate school plays, parents evening bored me to tears, I just can't get excited about sports day.)

I don't know if I am alone and I do love them - I just don't find under 12s interest me much.

OP posts:
Savagebeauty · 02/09/2015 16:02

I loathed crafts with a vengeance. Glad when they went to nursery and the glittery shit could go.
I've never done baking with mine either.

The best thing about teenagers is they don't pester you and you rarely see them
And you can watch the Inbetweeners with them

musicmaiden · 02/09/2015 16:07

If the OP is a secondary school teacher I would merit she has a bit of experience in the 12+ age group so those who are saying 'teenagers might be harder than you think' are way off. Hmm

I see nothing wrong with saying you can envisage a time when you will enjoy your children's company much more, but that time is not now. I feel much the same. For me, it's not so much the activities, I don't mind most of them (although I would if I was a SAHM and doing it all day every day), it's the relentless NEED of small children I find so difficult. I am looking forward to when they express their needs without pointing in a vague direction going 'ah-ah-ah-ah-ah', don't follow me to the toilet, don't demand to sit on my knee halfway through mealtimes and cover me in sticky food, and don't throw a wobbly because they are not allowed a biscuit in each hand. I could go on.

YANBU, OP.

Original poster
Maisieknew · 02/09/2015 16:09

They might be awful as teens, I just don't know, but I do know I prefer older children to small ones. And as someone has said, they don't require such a constant presence.

OP posts:
shins · 02/09/2015 16:09

I have a good perspective on this at the moment as mine are 19, 8 and 5. It's fairly simple. I HATED the baby and toddler stage, hated the physical exhaustion and screaming and nappies and boredom of it. I also have found the teenage years with my eldest really miserable and joyless and soul-destroying - we've got off lightly compared to people I know but it hasn't been fun for six years and it really seems like it's been going on far too long and should be getting easier now. God I sound cranky.

But I do love the ages between about four and twelve so I'm enjoying that with the younger two, probably more so having been through the teens. They're really sweet and funny and good company.

Siennasun · 02/09/2015 16:17

do you lot really enjoy waving like a drowning man at a sixteen month old going round a roundabout Every Single Time it goes round? Does anybody honestly enjoy pushing their child on a swing endlessly shouting, 'Wheeee! Wheeeee!' Does anybody actually find it fascinating when their toddler shouts CA CA CA every time a cat walks past (we have four cats, so this happens a LOT!) and having to brightly say 'ooh yes, CAT!

No need to be so sneery, OP. Yes, I did enjoy all that. I love spending time with my DS and hope we will continue to enjoy spending time together as he grows up.
Of course you can still be a good parent without doing this stuff, but I don't understand how you can have good relationships with your kids if you don't enjoy doing anything with them.

JimmyGreavesMoustache · 02/09/2015 16:20

I'm not bothered about under threes, and small babies under 6 months are just rubbish - the best you can hope for is that they'll sleep so you can get some enjoyment and stimulation from some other avenue.

preschoolers are delightful though - I love their unworldly nuttiness and lack of self-consciousness. Mine are now 4 and 8, and are pretty good company TBH.

No-one I know particularly enjoys watching school plays or sports days. You go to support them, not because it's fun.

ToysDontWorkNoMore · 02/09/2015 16:20

Really, Goldenbear? DS dislikes walking (well, leaving the house in general), parks, trying anything new (anxious personality), playing with 98 % toys, playing alone, playing with friends on play dates, museums, galleries, zoos, most films, eating most things (including hot chocolate), going to restaurants (apart from pizza hut), etc.

His ideal day would be going on trams, underground, trains and then up and down on different lifts and finally pizza hut. Literally just that. He is nearly 6.

guineapigpie · 02/09/2015 16:21

Thinking children won't be interesting until they are post-12 seems a bit rigid to me, Maisieknew - you might find they become interesting before that (particularly if you start training them early to be interested in the things that interest you Wink). All you can fairly say is that your children are not particularly interesting yet. I don't see why you have to wait to share you love of Shakespeare with them until they are older than 12, for example. If you wait too long, they will be of an age when they will deliberately dislike the things you do! You need to catch them early. Grin

Original poster
Maisieknew · 02/09/2015 16:24

It wasn't being sneery, Sienna. It was lighthearted.

Thing is, I do love them and enjoy them in a way but I am conscious that I won't really miss their younger years when they grow. What's wrong with that?

OP posts:
SheGotAllDaMoves · 02/09/2015 16:27

I don't think it's wrong for adults not to particularly adore the baby/toddler stages. Soft play, Tweenies, glitter, the shallow end of the local pool...

And I don't think the average baby/toddler will discover your lack of sincerity Grin.

In fact, give me a parent who actively does all this stuff very regularly through gritted teeth over a parent who barely touches glitter-time but declares loudly and publicly how much they love it.

Teenagers however, do need you to find common ground with them and your sincerity is far more important at this age. But it's much easier for an adult to do this.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 02/09/2015 16:30

Babies I don't mind; they are dull but can also be carted around with you smile
But then they grow and you have to listen to things like 'mum, mum, mum, guess what?' 'What?' 'I - erm - I ran a race and it was up a hill!'

Is anyone else strongly reminder reminded of Leonard Hofstaders mother...?!
I agree that being with young children has its tedious bits, but in general I have always enjoyed my child immensely, but the he is extremely funny and always has been. I never did much baking/crafts but am excellent at imaginary and chasing games.
I am sure your children are not exactly worthy of pity, but you don't half sound cold.

Original poster
Maisieknew · 02/09/2015 16:31

I'm not cold. I do think there's some projection (I don't know who Leonard whoever is i'm afraid.) I know my children are very loved and well cared for and that's what matters.

OP posts:
scarlets · 02/09/2015 16:32

I am like you. I prefer age 9+. I love babies but find small children hard work. The school plays are better when they're older (there are some genuinely beautiful singers in my kids' classes) and sport is more interesting when they're proficient, and past the everyone-wins-a-prize at the sack race stuff. Parties are drop-off-and-collect affairs in the older years (although I made some great friends amongst the parents at Reception and Y1 parties, I have to say).

Siennasun · 02/09/2015 16:34

It's difficult to read tone on here Smile

Thing is, I do love them and enjoy them in a way but I am conscious that I won't really miss their younger years when they grow. What's wrong with that?

There's nothing at all wrong with that but that seems a bit different to what you've said in your OP and earlier posts.

Original poster
Maisieknew · 02/09/2015 16:43

No it isn't. I said from the start I wouldn't change anything - would still have had them. I just don't find small children interesting or easy. This is not personal to mine, by the way Grin

OP posts:
morningtoncrescent62 · 02/09/2015 16:43

Coo, I'm surprised at some of the responses you've had, OP. My two DDs are now in their mid-20s and I can honestly say I found a lot of the stuff we had to do in their childhood very tedious indeed. I was mostly OK with the baby stage, but trying to play toddler games did my head in. I recognise a lot of what you said about not enjoying family-based activities for primary school-aged children. I remember sitting though school plays and concerts with gritted teeth, reminding myself that I was there for my kids and not for myself, but wishing I could genuinely enjoy them in the way that a lot of others seemed to. As they got to the top of primary school things got easier - on the one hand they got more independent so didn't need me to entertain them, but also they developed interests that I found much more engaging. DD1 was very into music so in secondary school there were still concerts and plays, but the musicals the school did were brilliant and it wasn't a case of sitting through other people's children mumbling their way through whatever they were doing and pretending to find it sweet. They also developed a sense of humour (sometimes, when they weren't flouncing about!) and got interested in current affairs which we all genuinely enjoyed discussing. DD2 also went through a very philosophical stage and the questions she asked were brilliant. And although I miss them now they're not home any more, I absolutely adore having a very special adult relationship with them, quite unlike anything else.

I wouldn't worry about not enjoying children stuff. Not all of us do and it sounds quite possible that (for you) the best part is still to come.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 02/09/2015 16:46

Typo city!

Original poster
Maisieknew · 02/09/2015 16:48

Yes, in fairness to DC1, I imagine his music will soon be at a level where concerts are a pleasure rather than a chore.

School assemblies are the worst.

OP posts:
DingbatsFur · 02/09/2015 16:56

I don't understand why the people here don't just show their children what they are interested in as well. As a parent you are meant to show your kids the good things in life and the little marvels, like there is a star in an apple if you cut it the other way and the weird little buttons that go round and round on the boxes for pedestrian crossings when the green man appears. If you enjoy mocking the models in the H&M catalogue then do that.
There is no craft or dressing up police.

Original poster
Maisieknew · 02/09/2015 16:57

I do dingbats.

But Mumsnet isn't interesting to young kids ... Grin

OP posts:
DingbatsFur · 02/09/2015 16:58

Mind you if there was a dressing up and craft police I'd like to see their uniform...

Siennasun · 02/09/2015 16:58

In your OP you say you "don't enjoy them as children", and then reinforce that in other posts.
That's completely different to saying you "enjoy them in a way"

Whichever it is, how you feel, so YANBU but I don't understand or empathise with it.

Original poster
Maisieknew · 02/09/2015 16:59

Sienna - I love them, I think I have been consistently saying that throughout my posts.

But as I've tried to explain, I don't enjoy the visits to Peppa Pig World, the swimming, the pushing on a swing, the endless exclamations over random shit Grin

You don't have to understand it; I don't understand people who love that stuff Grin

OP posts:
IfNotNowThenWhenever · 02/09/2015 17:00

Well, yeah, ks1 assemblies are notoriously, laughably bad. And nativity plays are too. That's why I enjoy them, they are funny! I'm not going to sit there expecting acting proficiency and believable characters.
Also, I find young kids do ask interesting questions; How far would you have to walk before you fall off the world? Does it rain on the moon? How do you become homeless?
Admittedly children age 3 or so can be relentless, but surely 7,8, 9, 10 year olds are really quite entertaining sometimes?

ToysDontWorkNoMore · 02/09/2015 17:00

What if they don't let let you show them or complain loudly the whole way through- taking any ounce of joy out of it? Maybe I have got an extraordinary grumpy child, though. I like painting and clay, but he makes them both completely unenjoyable to me.