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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be faced with 'what did you do all day?' every day

327 replies

Iamatotalandutteridiot · 01/09/2015 19:17

just faced it again tonight

He is currently cleaning the glass 'because it is streaky' (Note: no finger prints, so I have obviously cleaned it... just streaky)

I have entertained 3 kids today - on the last week of their holidays. I have sorted uniform, made sure everything is name tagged, I have fed them, I have read to them, I have bathed them.

SOOOO sick of having to justify how I spend each minute when I have kids at home.

OP posts:
Lucked · 01/09/2015 19:29

I couldn't live like this. I agree go out and leave him for the day on Saturday then come home and huff at the cushions not being fluffy.

Original poster
Iamatotalandutteridiot · 01/09/2015 19:32

He'd go mental if I went out all day and left him with the kids.

He just would.

Won't let me get a cleaner so that's out of the question.

It just bugs me when he says I haven't cleaned well enough. I could deal with it if it was inky fingers, but it's not. Aparently I leave streaks.

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 01/09/2015 19:32

If looking after the kids AND keeping an immaculate house is so easy, well, he can do it for a day at the weekend.

The very fact that he clearly refuses to have the kids is him admitting it's actually so hard, that he can't cope.

What does he say to that suggestion?

Christ, threads like their remind me to appreciate my lovely DH more.

Bumbledumb · 01/09/2015 19:32

One thing which maddens me is how every job you do is minimized i.e. takes five minutes or less.

BreeVDKamp · 01/09/2015 19:33

Errrrm this sounds very wrong indeed. Poor excuse for a man if he can't even look after his own kids!!

NewLife4Me · 01/09/2015 19:33

Why does he come home and check your housework and not bath kids or read to them?
I could understand if it was late but it was still early when you first posted.
How old are your dc?
Ask him why he isn't stepping up as a father and start your own check list for suitable father, sod the housework.
God I'm Angry for you.

DoreenLethal · 01/09/2015 19:33

He'd go mental if I went out all day and left him with the kids.

That's the point.

sleeponeday · 01/09/2015 19:34

Arrange a weekend away on your own. Leave him with the kids. Then inspect when you get home.

DH had the kids today and has exhaustedly asked if I can bathe and feed and put them to bed because he is just sooooo shattered.

He also freely admits he finds a day with the kids massively harder work than his paid job, and he couldn't do it. He also helps with the housework (I say "helps" because as a primarily SAHM with only a few hours working I think it's my contribution to do most of it, and that's fine, and I appreciate what he does on that score in consequence. But he has no right to grumble about my standards, and he doesn't).

BrandNewAndImproved · 01/09/2015 19:34

Urgh so what if he goes mental. What's the worst he's actually likely to do. If he's abusive you leave. If your scared he will hurt you he's a shit husband anyway.

I'd let him go mental then do it again and again till he got the msg.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 01/09/2015 19:34

For tomorrow, bake him a cake, with a big 'fuck off' on it. That will explain a good couple of hours, and keep the kids entertained with baking Smile.

Original poster
Iamatotalandutteridiot · 01/09/2015 19:34

No, his reasoning is he has a FT job (Im SAHM) and therefore requires a break at weekends.

SAHM don't work and therefore require no break

OP posts:
Trebushay · 01/09/2015 19:34

How can you live with someone who is not prepared to look after his own children? Really stop and think about that question for your own sanity please ?

sleeponeday · 01/09/2015 19:35

Are you actually married, OP? Or unmarried partners?

Original poster
Iamatotalandutteridiot · 01/09/2015 19:36

we're married and he's dad to the kids.

OP posts:
DisappointedOne · 01/09/2015 19:37

How on earth did you end up with 3 children with this man?

DisappointedOne · 01/09/2015 19:37

You know you owe it to yourself to take yourself off for a week day and leave him to it, don't you?

NerrSnerr · 01/09/2015 19:37

Why on earth are you with him? He had no right to speak to you like that. What do you get out of the relationship?

Cloppysow · 01/09/2015 19:39

Which is exactly why you should fuck off out and leave him with the kids all day at the weekend. So he can see that you do work.

Fairenuff · 01/09/2015 19:39

How the hell do you live like this OP? It's depressing and miserable just reading about it Sad

I honestly completely forget that there are people like you living a shell of a life until I come onto mn and find yet another thread like this.

Still, you'd better get off mn and back to his Lordship in case he requires more attention and explanation.

LooksLikeImStuckHere · 01/09/2015 19:41

I'm sorry, but he sounds like a bit of a tool. He's not your boss, he doesn't get to inspect your 'work' at the end of his working day.

As for not leaving the children with him, what would he do if you were ill? Does he know their routines?

You've asked if YABU to not want to hear 'what did you do all day'. Of course YANBU but only you and he can do something about this. I doubt anyone here is going to say that you should be putting up with this, but ultimately none of us can change it.

I like the idea of a blow by blow account in the hope that he becomes fed up but that then gives the impression that you should be accountable to him.

You have to stand up to him. He is belittling your role and minimising everything that you do.

Oswin · 01/09/2015 19:41

Op that's really really shit. I couldn't live like this. Would you like things to change?

Want2bSupermum · 01/09/2015 19:41

OP - The best thing I ever did was leave DH on his own with DD when I went back to work. DD was about 6 months old and I had to go to a client for 2 weeks. No joke, by day 3 of the first week DH called my Dad and asked him to fly over to help out. Never again did I ever hear the words 'So what was it you did today because the house is a disaster' from DH.

I suggest you try it. Worked a treat for me. Also start working and paying for childcare. He clearly doesn't value you at all. You need to look after yourself and it starts with having your own income.

sleeponeday · 01/09/2015 19:42

Good, marriage gives you a far better hand. An unmarried SAHM has zero rights and no power at all. Married, and if you left your contributions as SAHM would equal his, and you could even have the right to a greater share of the assets if necessary to house and care for the kids.

The current situation suits him. You are under the thumb. Of course he'll go - mental if you make him do what you do - as has been said, that is the whole point. Then you can say, "but I thought what I do isn't working, so why do you mind doing it?" Unless you think he would actually become violent - is his temper so scary it's worth accepting this crap over? And does he scare the kids, too - is this their model for a relationship?

Your relationship sounds abusive. My kids don't sleep (eldest diagnosed with ASD, jury still out on toddler but sleep doesn't happen with her either) so my DH needs to sleep in weekdays so he can work effectively. On Saturdays, I wake him at 7 or 8, depending on my exhaustion, then go back to bed while he deals with the kids until noon. My mother gives us both a lie-in once a week, too.

Agressive, lazy, belittling and controlling... what are his actual good points? Has he any?

LooksLikeImStuckHere · 01/09/2015 19:42

I like MrsGently's suggestion.

RockinHippy · 01/09/2015 19:43

Please DO go out & leave this poor excuse of a DF & part time member of the workforce to look after HIS kids for a day

better still do make it an overnight, it's the only way he is going to learn that your job is 24/7, so he is a part timer in comparison & you deserve more respect!

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