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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be faced with 'what did you do all day?' every day

327 replies

Iamatotalandutteridiot · 01/09/2015 19:17

just faced it again tonight

He is currently cleaning the glass 'because it is streaky' (Note: no finger prints, so I have obviously cleaned it... just streaky)

I have entertained 3 kids today - on the last week of their holidays. I have sorted uniform, made sure everything is name tagged, I have fed them, I have read to them, I have bathed them.

SOOOO sick of having to justify how I spend each minute when I have kids at home.

OP posts:
laundryeverywhere · 03/09/2015 07:53

You definitely need to hide this carefully, don't let him see it. Log out, delete history and change your user name. Don't think the opinions on here will change his mind or something. He would treat you very badly if he saw this.

laundryeverywhere · 03/09/2015 07:58

Also be careful about p.ms coming to your email account which he might see.

Verypissedoffwife · 03/09/2015 09:00

Jesus - he's hot time to check your messages to the bill? Sounds like he's got plenty of time to polish the windows then in that case!

He can't check emails or mumsnet posts to any bill though can he? I seriously would not want him seeing this. He's bad enough already without throwing the fact that pretty much everyone on this thread thinks he's abusive into the mix.

Original poster
Iamatotalandutteridiot · 03/09/2015 09:45

Ahh... he already thinks you're a bunch of nutters.

Seriously, what is there to hide. There is not a single thing I've written here that isn't the truth.

I've been accused of hiding so many things / flirting with guys / making stuff up. If I try to hide this, it's like I know that it's wrong. Isn't it? I've been accused of that too many times... If I have nothing to hide / nothing to worry about... then why would I hide it?

I haven't said anything here that I wouldn't say in RL.

Yes, there are lots of times I don't do as much housework as my DH would like. But, it's upsetting when I do try and then get told I do it wrong.

I've only just manned up enough to demand some wardrobe space.

I sleep at the side of my DD's bed (which she very much likes by the way)

If you met us in RL, you'd think I'm the fuck-up. Not him.

He checks my internet. my phone, what I spend. I am not going to even consider trying to hide anything because I have nothing to be ashamed of.

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 03/09/2015 09:53

The OP has a point. All's she's said is that she doesn't want to have to justify what she does in a day. And she doesn't want to be pulled up on housework not done to his exacting standard.

Everything else has been factual statements about their relationship.

While the collective response has been 'LTB', the OP has not expressed any agreement.

LaurieMarlow · 03/09/2015 09:57

The more you share with us OP the more worrying and controlling this relationship seems. Why is he accusing you of things you haven't done? What would motivate him to check your messages against the bill?

BabyGanoush · 03/09/2015 09:58

He sounds a bad partner, a bit dangerous even.

NicoleWatterson · 03/09/2015 09:59

It's not about having anything to hide. It's about having privacy, respect and overall trust.
I was with someone who checked my phone, my voicemail, stalked me on forums. It's not normal, even with nothing to hide.

Original poster
Iamatotalandutteridiot · 03/09/2015 10:01

Thanks Laurie - It's really difficult to express when people say 'leave' because it's not going to happen. Ever.

If he leaves me, then I guess I'll be OK but I am not going to leave.

And maybe I do want him to read that.

OP posts:
Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 03/09/2015 10:07

He must earn good money though OP, your kids are at private school. Have you thought about going to see a lawyer - he would have to give you quite a bit of money.

Surely he spends time with the children who are his and not yours, your step children, without you being there?

Original poster
Iamatotalandutteridiot · 03/09/2015 10:09

He earns very good money.

No, I've been about since the steps were very little - in fact, I've been on holiday with them (without DH) more than the other way around.

OP posts:
Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 03/09/2015 10:12

I can't understand your mentality at all. I do wonder why you've posted this - again - when you clearly don't plan to take control of your life in any way.

What do you want from the thread?

Jackie0 · 03/09/2015 10:55

I'm struggling to empathise too.
You seem passive to the point of being sedated.
Is this who you are or have you been so worn down you've given up?

MorrisZapp · 03/09/2015 11:07

Are you yourself very religious? Is this a belief thing that the man is the head of the house?

fabuLou · 03/09/2015 11:19

Right now it doesn,t seem we can do anything but listen and tell you how wrong what we think.

Olddear · 03/09/2015 11:39

Is this for real??

ENtertainmentAppreciated · 03/09/2015 11:50

If he leaves me, then I guess I'll be OK but I am not going to leave

And maybe I do want him to read that

That's pretty screwed up and it really doesn't correlate well with someone who's so downtrodden that they've been denied any storage space for their clothes in their own home etc. etc.

For the benefit of anyone reading this thread who may be in a similar situation to the OP, I'm in the same as her, I also have nothing to hide, I would be completely ok with him reading anything or looking through everything BUT my DH would never dream of checking my phone, post or internet, or going through my handbag.
He doesn't feel any need to check on anything because our relationship has mutual trust and respect and that's how it should be. Most people with a healthy relationship would say exactly the same.

I think he did once pass a remark about something in the house that needed a wipe. I passed him a cloth.

NerrSnerr · 03/09/2015 12:07

You seem to have ignored every question about how this fucked up relationship is impacting your children. Your poor daughter is going to go from having a controlled childhood to a controlling husband isn't she? Why wouldn't she? She doesn't know any better.

pictish · 03/09/2015 12:31

Your husband doesn't check up on you because he thinks you're hiding something. He does it because it robs you of your autonomy. Same for the accusations of infidelity - he knows you're faithful, but pretending you might not be keeps you in your place as his serf.

I agree with Nerr. Sticking your fingers in your ears and going, "Tralalalalaa it's all going to be fiiiiine" just doesn't even come close to cutting it.

Your daughter will end up in exactly same scenario as you going from controlling parents to controlling spouse, and your son will perpetrate the same to his own poor wife. It will be what they have been taught and all they know.
So that's nice isn't it? Tralalalalalaa.

Whatever. I wish you all the best, but stay in your marriage and you'll never see it and neither will your kids.

pictish · 03/09/2015 12:46

Abd btw - hypothetically, if he did read that you won't leave him ever, no matter what, it'll just give him the confidence and the green light to mistreat, diminish and abuse you to his heart's content with no fear of any recrimination worth bothering about.

pictish · 03/09/2015 12:48

P.p.s I'm sorry to come across as scathing...really I am. I am ultimately on your side.

ChickenTikkaMassala · 03/09/2015 12:51

This thread is making me so sad and angry, OP you do not need to live like this. I don't know what to suggest as you have made it clear that you won't leave him but please think about your children, they will think that relationships like this are normal.

sofato5miles · 03/09/2015 13:15

It makes me angry that this a life choice for someone. That there a still women who have to accept a fate like this in the UK.

HazleNutt · 03/09/2015 14:14

She doesn't really have to. There is help available - I don't think the only option in the UK for a woman, with kids, leaving an abusive husband is to end up homeless. Or am I naive to believe that?

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 03/09/2015 14:20

To be honest, given what she has said that her H will probably read this thread and she has take no measures to prevent that, saying anything but the party line she has already given could be extremely dangerous for the OP.

If you want to talk another time, with another name, come back. It takes many women years to be ready to leave abuse. You don't have to provide a narrative arc for us. BUT even if you have given up on yourself, think about your kids.