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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be faced with 'what did you do all day?' every day

327 replies

Iamatotalandutteridiot · 01/09/2015 19:17

just faced it again tonight

He is currently cleaning the glass 'because it is streaky' (Note: no finger prints, so I have obviously cleaned it... just streaky)

I have entertained 3 kids today - on the last week of their holidays. I have sorted uniform, made sure everything is name tagged, I have fed them, I have read to them, I have bathed them.

SOOOO sick of having to justify how I spend each minute when I have kids at home.

OP posts:
YANAgurl1973 · 01/09/2015 21:09

So what if the kids had a day of eating pizza,playing on the ipad and not brushing their teeth? ONE DAY OF THIS WILL NOT KILL THEM!!! and your OH needs to have a day in your shoes. You seem to be making too many excuses for him.

TattyDevine · 01/09/2015 21:10

My god. This started out innocuous enough but I'm not sure you realise, OP, that this is not normal or acceptable behaviour from your husband. Are you happy? I really wouldn't be. I would be wanting to leave a situation like this as do many others. Have you thought about leaving or is this your new normal?

xxyummymummy28xx · 01/09/2015 21:10

Lol I love that too Claudia x

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 01/09/2015 21:11

My husband would complain about the house, so id ask him to tell me what part of the mess was mine? Not one book, no plates or cups, all kids stuff, go moan at them cos im not listening! He go bored of asking! Hed have to wade through the toys to see streaks ... lifes too short something needs to change. You need a day off.

Purplepoodle · 01/09/2015 21:12

wow he won't 'let' you do exercise classes. If all your kids are school age why on earth can't you go to the gym. do you get a say on how money is spent?

Bogeyface · 01/09/2015 21:13

This isnt about housework. Its about control.

You are not allowed to be anywhere on your own, because then he is not in control, so he makes sure that the kids are with you at all times.

He complains about your housekeeping, not because it isnt good enough, but because he needs you to be constantly questioning yourself and trying to keep him happy.

Your posts have saddened me greatly, but also worried me.

I agree that you need Womens Aid help, if you try to extracate from this man without their help, I am worried about what he will do. Please please be careful and wipe your MN history. Use in private browsing, change your password for MN and dont store it on your device. Use a phone/tab where possible as he may have a keylogger on your PC.

Original poster
Iamatotalandutteridiot · 01/09/2015 21:13

it's not quite as easy for me as DS is autistic and it's quite difficult for me to leave him with people (as in, people don't want him to stay or look after him)

he is hard work, I don't disagree... but he is hard work.

DH is not used to looking after them all together so me leaving them is just not acceptable.

He's stomping around the house now doing the things he feels I should have done today (or should be doing while I'm on MN) but I'm tired. DS has been really hard work and I just want to sit and veg.

We've had a nice day, all in all, but when DS is feeling stressed, it's a 24/7 job until we are in the house (he calms down in the house - and please don't anyone tell me I should just let him stay in the house as it's simply not good for his mental health or his socialisation) so when we ot in, yeah, I did the minimum and then relaxed.

I'm done in with it all.

OP posts:
DotForShort · 01/09/2015 21:13

The more you write, the worse the situation sounds. FGS, don't put up with it a day longer. If you want to stay with him, then you need to have a very serious "come to Jesus" meeting (which of course has nothing to do with religion!).

If you don't want to stay with him (and frankly, I couldn't imagine staying with someone like that), then don't. I know that may sound flippant, especially as there are children involved. But you deserve more than this sort of miserable existence.

Bogeyface · 01/09/2015 21:14

Tell us about your finances.

Do you have any money of your own? Do you have any say in how money is spent? Do you have any control over money at all?

RandomMess · 01/09/2015 21:14

It's really sad to read your position op, that the state of the house is more important to him than the welfare of his dc Sad let alone he is abusive towards you and that you believe you're trapped.

hookedonamoonagedaydream · 01/09/2015 21:15

I can't think of what reason me going out on my own would be acceptable. Sad

Make sure you keep your MN habit hidden and your browser history deleted when you've posted.

Could you ever imagine living on your own with your DCs OP? What did you do for work before you had DCs, could you go back to it? Once you lose the fear of being on your own (with your DCs) things can change, either in your relationship or else you have the strength to leave. Sometimes you have to remember the person you used to be.

ShebaShimmyShake · 01/09/2015 21:16

Next time, do none of it. Don't wash or dress the kids, don't clean anything, don't do any laundry or washing up, don't prepare a meal for him. When he comes home to a dirty, messy house with unwashed kids in their pyjamas and asks what's going on, you say, "You know how you always ask me what I did all day? Today I didn't fucking do it."

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 01/09/2015 21:16

Your H is an abusive controlling shit.

You may not be ready to ear that. Or you may not be ready to act on it
BUT.
If you ever are, wonderful women on here will help you.

xxyummymummy28xx · 01/09/2015 21:16

Is there anything good about your relationship? x

fabuLou · 01/09/2015 21:18

Grin at pretending to do a masters.

I have 4 dcs from 13 to 2. My dh has been at work, left before 7, got in at 7. I am not feeling well so I have taken myself off to bed. The dcs were eating dinner a la Dominos. Does he bat an eyelid? Nope. I have'nt even fully unloaded the dw never mind loaded it and the washing he put on yesterday is still in washer. That's life and as for cleaning the windows, its been weeks.

xxyummymummy28xx · 01/09/2015 21:18

Lol I like Sheba's suggestion x

ICanSeeForMiles · 01/09/2015 21:18

Oh dear OP. Do you drive? Book yourself into a gym class, have your gym bag packed for him coming home, and walk out before he closes the door behind him.
You must have some time for yourself, this is massively unhealthy for your mental wellbeing.

WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere · 01/09/2015 21:20

OP, you're married to an arsehole and this relationship is abusive. This is not normal!

My DH had the kids for 12 hours today as I've been at work. He takes them to nursery and does bed times. It's just normal parent stuff.

If I go out without them it's not even an issue. It shouldn't be an issue. I hope your eyes are opening, this is not normal.

fabuLou · 01/09/2015 21:21

Oh and when I popped down earlier, the washing was still there. Am I bothered? Nope. It will get a quick re-wash.

scallopsrgreat · 01/09/2015 21:24

What are you getting out of this relationship? Where is the support? Where is the joy?

Why can't you tell him to fuck off?

Where do you want to be in 2, 5, 10 years? Where do you want your children to be?

No need to answer. Just think. And perhaps ring Women's Aid.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 01/09/2015 21:25

The very first poster suggested you tell him to fuck off. This would be absolutely a normal response by a normal partner to his behaviour.

You said that telling him to fuck off would not be possible, with a smiley face Grin

What would happen if you did tell him to fuck off when he is being a total cunt badger towards you?

xxyummymummy28xx · 01/09/2015 21:28

Cunt badger!!! Lol! x

sleeponeday · 01/09/2015 21:28

My DS is autistic. I honestly do not know how the hell you are managing with zero support. And to be undermined by the absolute fuckwit who exploits you in this way... oh my God.

You do know he's abusive, I take it? I mean, you had realised this?

I appreciate working is very tricky in this situation. Is your ASD DS school age?

SheepishWoolf · 01/09/2015 21:29

If he won't allow you to leave him with the children, sit down with him and ask his 'advice'. Ask him to list the household tasks he feels are essential, each with the amount of time he feels it would be reasonable to allocate to each one. Then produce the list you have compiled of the tasks you undertake each day over and above the housework - eg caring for your children - and how long that takes. I mean itemise your day, down to the last detail - keep an hour to hour journal if you need to - and see how that fits into any 24 hour stretch. I take it you are on night duty every night, as your 'D' H has to get up in the morning for 'work'? So that's a shift in itself - what time you get into bed until what time you get up, you're 'on call' - add it in!Smile The reason he can be so 'nice' is that he's got no idea what hard work is. Good luck! xx

BubblyChocolate · 01/09/2015 21:34

OP I feel so sad for you reading this.

Any decent DH/DP would not treat his DW/DP like this.

I appreciate its easier said than done, telling you to just go out. But you really shouldn't need an excuse to go out, or permission for that matter.

I'm not a SAHM but am currently home on maternity. Some evenings when DH comes home, I just go out for an hour for a little wander around the supermarket. Not to get anything in particular, just for a nosey and to get some headspace. My DH completely understands I sometimes need this, he doesn't question it, he actively encourages me to go have an hour to myself whilst he gets the two DC ready for bed. I don't need his permission, just his support as my DH.

What would he say if you just told him you were going to the supermarket?