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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be faced with 'what did you do all day?' every day

327 replies

Iamatotalandutteridiot · 01/09/2015 19:17

just faced it again tonight

He is currently cleaning the glass 'because it is streaky' (Note: no finger prints, so I have obviously cleaned it... just streaky)

I have entertained 3 kids today - on the last week of their holidays. I have sorted uniform, made sure everything is name tagged, I have fed them, I have read to them, I have bathed them.

SOOOO sick of having to justify how I spend each minute when I have kids at home.

OP posts:
marriednotdead · 02/09/2015 21:23

I didn't think mine would move out but he has. The divorce lawyer told him that if it was taken to court, I would almost certainly be awarded the tenancy of our HA rented home as I could not afford to rent privately whereas he could.

Do you have any savings? I suspect you relying on him financially suits him down to the ground, it's part of the plan to keep you dependent. I don't miss the old lifestyle, the price was too high.

Would you be prepared to look into what benefits you'd get as a single parent with a child who has additional needs? You might be surprised, I was.

Original poster
Iamatotalandutteridiot · 02/09/2015 21:23

clam - if I am totally truthful because the alternative was going home. It was UTTERLY clear that it was DH or parents. (No kids at this point) No 'go it alone' was allowed.

I chose DH.

And, I know - to the point where some people will think 'this can't be true' it sounds mental but I won't leave. I just have to work out how to live like this.

OP posts:
HazleNutt · 02/09/2015 21:24

how will he "make" you? tell you to? Shout and swear? What happens if you refuse?

Original poster
Iamatotalandutteridiot · 02/09/2015 21:27

Yes, very religious and no, not UK.

OP posts:
WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 02/09/2015 21:27

A friend of mine was in an abusive relationship until recently. She didn't have a job and he wouldn't move out, she had no money.

She went and talked to CAB and also the housing officer at the council.

They helped her secretly apply for a council house. They were really good at promising not to write to her or leave messages on her mobile incase he found out.

After five months she got a council house. She was worried it would be a shit hole of a flat in a dodgy area but she's got a beautiful small house in a lovely area. She got housing benefit, income support, etc.

She now works part time waitressing and is earning more than enough to get by. She's not loaded but she's not struggling as long as she's careful. Most importantly she's so happy.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 02/09/2015 21:28

Do you live in the UK now?

Verypissedoffwife · 02/09/2015 21:34

Because his opinion isn't worth more than yours. It just sounds like sheer spite for him to forbid you from having a wardrobe. Are you allowed a bed? Are there other things that people take for granted that he forbids you from owning?

Verypissedoffwife · 02/09/2015 21:36

Are you in a place where women have equal rights? Sorry - I assumed you were in UK.

Original poster
Iamatotalandutteridiot · 02/09/2015 21:40

Yes, I am in the Uk and would identify as British.

I sleep in my DD's bed. (that would be the side where my clothes generally reside)

I know - I know - how it sounds.

But, if I won't leave, then I have to stand up for myself. I have a wardrobe now. Maybe it's time to think about reclaiming a bed.

OP posts:
LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 02/09/2015 21:41

If you are in the UK, are you scared he would try to take the children to his country of origin (if that isn't the UK)?

Verypissedoffwife · 02/09/2015 21:50

I just knew you wouldn't have your own bed! Even my pets have a bed. He is seriously abusive. You MUST read those books. I know the Lundy Bancroft one can be downloaded if you're worried about him seeing it.

It's good that you're in the UK. At least he can't take your children from you.

FusionChefGeoff · 02/09/2015 21:59

Oh OP - I have no experience of this but cannot believe that you are happy to live like this - it is wrong on so many levels.

I'm sure i saw somewhere that the most serious red flag in social services looking at neglected children is checking they have their own bed.

Please read the books, phone Women's Aid and arm yourself with knowledge that might turn into motivation to leave.

Notimefortossers · 02/09/2015 22:05

How many DC do you have? Why do you sleep in DD's bed? His choice or yours? And what's the reasoning behind it?

This sounds like THE most bizarre situation.

So sorry for you OP

Fairenuff · 02/09/2015 22:06

Just out of interest OP, what will your dd's choice be when she is an adult. Will she be 'allowed' to live an independant life, or will she also go from controlling parents to controlling husband?

ijustwannadance · 02/09/2015 22:15

I'm actually surprised he even allows you to use the ipad (or whatever you access mn on)

ENtertainmentAppreciated · 02/09/2015 22:27

I had already assumed a very strong cultural influence in your background OP or a religious one, or both, which adds restrictions a lot of posters won't identify with.

Can I also ask if there's much of an age difference between you and your DH?

I feel as though there are a lot of important details to your situation that you're not sharing. Details which, if they were known would alter the answers you're likely to receive.

LaurieMarlow · 02/09/2015 22:38

OP, I'm guessing that the strength of opinion on here has overwhelmed you somewhat - and you don't feel ready yet to LTB.

And that's ok for the moment.

Just be assured that what you are describing is not normal. Marriage should be an equal partnership - equal rights, equal say in how money is spent, respect for each other. You seem very far away from this vision.

You sound like an amazing mum. Take heart from that

Read the books that have been recommended, that's a great first step, mad start thinking about what kind if life you'd like to have -and how you might achieve that. You are stronger than you know.

mathanxiety · 03/09/2015 03:52

'I won't leave. I just have to work out how to live like this.'

Have you any idea what you are going to have to do in order to live 'like this', OP?
Will this make you happy?
Does your happiness factor into your equation at all?
Or are you living in fear, obligation and guilt ('FOG'), hemmed in on all sides by people whose judgement of you you fear more than walking away from the pain of being a grown woman made to live like a child, and into freedom.

How about your children?
How will you feel when they start treating you like dirt too, and trying to become Daddy's favourites by mimicking him or picking on each other in hopes of currying his favour?
How will you feel when he turns on one or all of them, which he is guaranteed to do at some point?
How are you planning on protecting them from this man?

I wish you courage. Your parents have done a job on you.

You have options, and they do not consist of living with your horrified and embarrassed (idiot) parents or living with your abuser. Please ponder this.

mathanxiety · 03/09/2015 03:55

I want to point out in light of FusionChefGeoff's post that social services are your potential friends, and that there is a difference between a child not having his or her own bed and your situation.

mathanxiety · 03/09/2015 04:12

I see in your posts on what might happen if you were to go out for a day all by yourself DCs all fed junk, allowed to have unlimited screen time, gifts bought for them, etc an impulse to control.

Please don't get me wrong here -- I am not saying you are a controlling person. What I am saying is that you are very invested in the idea that you can control how your children's day might be spent and that this is important.

You are also in a sort of roundabout way invested in controlling your family's feelings about you. This is all very upside down and inside out, but you will not shatter their image of what is going on by seeking an end to this because right now you feel you are in control of how they see you and how they feel. If you were to change anything then their feelings and perceptions of you might change in unpredictable ways. Losing control of how others see you is unthinkable when you are being abused. There is a lot of humiliation involved in letting others see how you are being treated.

Abuse victims pour a huge amount of energy into attempts to control the feelings of others about them. I sense that this is where you are right now -- afraid of your life of rocking the boat and setting in motion any uncontrollable responses in other people just as the thought of a day off to yourself would result in a day not controlled by you for the children.

In general, the deeper the abuse, the stronger the desire to keep the semblance of a lid on things becomes. The alternative is to give up and admit your life is not your own, and find yourself half way through the only existence you will ever have, living as if your home was at the bottom of a well, unseen, unheard, un-cared-for. Not a nice feeling. Your impulse is to plaster over the realities just to allow you to get through each day. Hence I won't leave. I just have to work out how to live like this. But our impulses can often lead us astray.

Self pride is your own worst enemy here. So is the optimism that tells you that you can manage to walk all the fine lines and somehow get through. Likewise the idea that may be lurking in some dark corner of your soul that you are special enough to make a difference in the end to this man.

Original poster
Iamatotalandutteridiot · 03/09/2015 06:47

Oh, I don't know.

what would scare me most? That he would alienate the kids. Do I try and control the situation so that doesn't happen? Absolutely.

Do I think e kids would hear 'we don't need nasty mummy' yes, I do.

Do I think he will read this? Probably.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/09/2015 07:32

You and your children deserve better. Your daughter is on track for a similarly dysfunctional relationship when she grows up. Your son is on track to learn to be an abusive bully.

I think mathanxiety's posts make a lot of sense.

bedraggledmumoftwo · 03/09/2015 07:34

If you think he will read this then make sure you delete your browsing history and log out/ change your password.

bedraggledmumoftwo · 03/09/2015 07:36

Why do you sleep in your daughters bed, op?

Original poster
Iamatotalandutteridiot · 03/09/2015 07:51

No bed I don't bother name hanging or changing passwords.

I've been in the situation where DH has checked my messages and then checked the bill to see if I'd deleted any.... Trying to delete or hide anything just seems like I have something to hide, which I don't.

OP posts: